The Poison in Your Blood

I’ve been at Madison’s house for a couple days. Anna and I are sharing the guest room and Piggy sleeps with us. I’ve been trying to seem like I’m okay but both Anna and Madison know I’m not and it’s not all that comfortable. Annalise has been trying to get me to talk about it each night. She’s always a little upset that most of her clothes are still at Austin’s place and I don’t want to go and get them right now. I just can’t stand to be in that house.

I make my way into the kitchen around 10 am. It’s Tuesday so Annalise has already been at school for a few hours. I find that I spend a lot of my time sleeping or lying around in our room. The house is empty and there is a note stuck on the fridge for me.

Hey babe,
I have a meeting today for the business. I left some food in the fridge for you; see you when I get home.
-Madison

I take a breath and open the refrigerator and find a plate of food. I stick it in the microwave and make myself a pot of coffee and sit in the kitchen and eat and feel sorry for myself. After a few minutes I get up and open up the cupboard above her refrigerator and get out of bottle of vodka and pour a little bit into the coffee. If I’m going to feel sorry for myself I’m going to do it right.

About an hour later I’m feeling a little buzzed and the bottle is noticeably lower in content. I should never drink, because drinking clouds my thought process and within another hour I’m sitting on the floor in my bedroom, pretty drunk, thinking I should go out and buy another bottle of vodka for Madison since I drank the majority of this one.

I find my cell phone in my purse and go through my contacts and before I know it I’m dialing a number I know I’m going to regret.

“Hello,” he answers.

I take a minute to appreciate his voice, and his accent, and all the stupid reasons I have for calling him.

“Are you in L.A.?” I ask. I try hard to keep my words straight, and for a second the voice in my head surfaces and asks me what I’m doing but she’s soon pushed back under the fuzzy feeling in my head.

“Lana,” he says, “I thought you were in a relationship?”

“I just want to see you,” I say. I might as well. My relationship is fucking over anyways. Austin hasn’t even called me.

“I can meet you somewhere?” he asks.

“No, I think you should pick me up,” I say. “I’m not feeling well to drive.” I give him directions and I hang up before getting up off the floor. I stumble into some clothes and put on some sloppy make up and throw my hair up in its pony tail.

I scribble a note for Madison in case she gets back before me.

Hey,
Going out with a friend. See you later
-Lana

It’s pretty sloppy but I was sure if I tried to text her it would have just been a mess. The door bell rings and Zoe goes bezerk in the back yard. I take a deep breath through my nose and pull my purse over my shoulder and I make a great effort to walk in a straight line to the front door. I open it and see Jonathan standing on the other side. He seems a little reserved and I immediately don’t like it.

“Hi!” I say enthusiastically.

“Hello,” he says and gives me a little smile. I take a step forward to give him a hug and I trip. He catches me and I hold my breath and hope he can’t smell the alcohol on me. “Are you alright?” he asks.

“Just clumsy, you know me,” I say as I regain my composure.

There is a tense moment as I slowly make my way out the door and shut it and lock it. I do wonder why I’m doing this. This is stupid, but I can’t seem to stop this train wreck. I should never drink.

I walk slowly to his car while holding onto his arm and I can tell he knows there is something up with me and I don’t know how I feel about it. I get into the car and I smell the new car smell and I’m surprised that a rental would smell this good. He gets into the driver’s side and takes a breath.

“So what happened with your relationship?” he asks as he pulls the car out of the drive way.

“He’s a jerk,” I say. I really need another drink right about now. “We had a stupid fight and I left.”

“Do you think it’s a good idea for us to be together?” he asks.

“I think it’s a fine idea,” I say with irritation.

“I think you need something to eat,” he says. The ride to some restaurant is pretty quiet and we walk in together and I’m starting to feel like the alcohol is wearing off. We are seated in the very back dark corner of the restaurant to avoid getting too much attention because of his you know, celebrity or whatever.

The waiter comes and I immediately order a drink. Jon gives me a look and I try and give him a little bit of a smile. The waiter leaves.

“Lana,” he says.

“I’m fine,” I snap.

The waiter brings my drink and I drink the whole martini in two swallows and order another. I also order a chicken sandwich and wait while Jon orders something and the waiter leaves. I feel better now that I got my buzz back.

I’m only 5’6” and I weigh about 135 pounds. Alcohol and I have the kind of relationship where it doesn’t take much and I’ve had way more than I need to be drunk. The waiter returns with my martini and leaves. I make an effort to just have a sip of this one. Really I’d like to just slam it down and move onto the next.

“I’m worried about you,” Jon says.

I wave his comment off. “I’m fine, how about you? How are you doing?” I ask. My words are starting to slur a little bit.

“I’d be better if you’d tell me what this is about, Lana,” he says.

“I wanted to see you! It’s been a while and I missed you,” I say.

“I have a feeling there is more to it,” he says.

I shake my head slightly and then realize that that is going to make me sick so I make a mental note of not making the room spin on purpose. Our food comes and I ask for another drink. The food is looking like I’d rather puke than actually eat it, but I nibble on a couple fries and take a bite out of my sandwich.

I’ve had four drinks when I get the urge to pee. I fidget in my seat a little bit and then I finally can’t stand it anymore and I stand up. “I’m going to use the restroom,” I say and I stagger away in my heels. I don’t know why I put these things on.

In the restroom I splash some water on my face and I do what I need to before taking a breath and steady myself. I catch a glimpse of my left hand and see where my engagement ring had been and I feel like hell. Tears well up in my eyes and I feel like my heart is breaking. We were only engaged for a couple weeks but it just sucks. Why hasn’t he come to get me?

When I get back to the table there is another drink waiting for me. I sit down and reach to pick it up but Jon takes it out of my reach and I frown at him. “What the hell?”

“You’ve had enough to drink, Lana,” he says.

“I’m an adult I should get to decide that for myself,” I say and reach across the table.

He kind of blocks my reach and it pisses me off. “Why did you call me to watch you do this to yourself?” he asks. Only now does it occur to me that he’s been in and out of rehab for alcohol abuse and this was kind of selfish of me. But damn it I want my drink.

“Give me my fucking drink, Jon,” I snap. I try to stand up and get it, but I lose my balance and he stands instantly to catch me before I hit the ground.

“Alright, it’s time to get you home,” he says and tries to steady me.

I attempt to pull out of his grasp but he’s stronger than me, and considerably more coordinated. “Let me go!” I cry and squirm. The few people near our table are staring at us and the waiter is standing in the corner watching. Jon finally gets me on my feet and holds onto my arm while he fishes some money out of his wallet for the bill. I reach across and pick up the martini and drink it in one gulp. He lets off a sigh and throws a hundred dollar bill on the table.

“Let’s go, Lana,” he says.

“Oh, where are you taking me?” I ask in a sloppy voice. I was going for sexy or seductive but it didn’t work out quite right.

“To bed,” he says. “Your bed, so you can get some sleep,” he adds before I have a chance to say anything obnoxious.

“Couldn’t it be yours?” I ask.

“No, I don’t think so,” he says as he tries to usher me to his car.

“But why not? You used to think I was pretty good…” I say.

“Lana, you are very drunk,” he says. “And you’d only hate me in the morning.” He finally gets me to the car and drops me in.

I cross my arms over my chest and pout the whole way to Madison’s house. Her car still isn’t back so at least that’s good. Now the drinks at lunch have really hit me and Jon literally has to lift me out of the car.

It takes me four tries to get the door unlocked and I fall through the door. If Madison found out I had Jon in her house she’d probably kill me, but at this point I think I need him to help me get to my bed. He helps me off the floor and gets me back on my feet.

“Where is your room?” he asks.

“This way,” I say in a slurred voice and point down the hall way. I’m a little surprised when he lifts me up into a threshold and carries me down the hall way to my room. He sets me on my feet and I take hold of his shirt and without thinking I press my lips against his in a totally drunken sloppy fashion.

He pushes me off gently. “Lana, not right now,” he says.

“You told me you loved me,” I cry.

“I do, and that’s why I’m not going to do this,” he says. He gets me to the bed and I fall onto it and he gets me out of my shoes. The whole room is spinning and I suddenly don’t feel well. He picks up the empty vodka bottle and I curse for forgetting to get a new one. “Jesus Christ, Lana, how much have you had to drink?”

“I don’t know,” I say and take a breath. Then all of the sudden I pass out.

I wake up a few hours later to the sound of Madison yelling. I groan as I sit up and see that I’m alone in the room. There are two Advil and a bottle of water sitting on the table next to me and I see that I’m completely dressed. I pop the Advil and stagger out of the room and see that Jon is still here and Madison is yelling at him. She looks pretty pissed off.

“Madison,” I say. “It’s not his fault.” I might need to throw up in a second but I force it down.

“Why is he even here?” she asks with irritation. “You’ve been separated from your fiancé for like two days and you’re already going down this road again?”

“Lana, I need to go,” Jon says then. “I only stayed to be sure you were alright.”

“I’m fine, Jon,” I say. “Thank you for taking care of me.” I give him a hug despite Madison looking beyond pissed off and watch him leave. My head is pounding against my skull and my stomach is doing gymnastics.

“What the fuck, Lana?” Madison asks.

“I don’t know! I was lonely and feeling bad and I got really drunk and I called Jon. I didn’t know what else to do,” I say. “I didn’t sleep with him, and he didn’t try to take advantage of me. He got me put to bed and made sure I didn’t die.”

She takes a breath and looks at me. “You should have talked to me and your sister, we’ve been trying to help.”

“I don’t want help, I want Austin to come get me,” I say honestly. “I want to be at his house, with our relationship working out again.”

“But you aren’t, Lana, and calling Jon isn’t going to make Austin come get you,” she says. “It’s only going to take you back down that road and you don’t need to go there.”

I don’t say anything. She’s right, and I made a fool out of myself at the restaurant and not only that but I totally ignored Jon’s sobriety and probably embarrassed him. Hopefully there were no photographers around, I can’t remember if I saw any or not.

I spend a while literally crying on Madison’s lap and she rubs my hair and tries to make me feel better. This fucking sucks. I cry until I puke and then I lay on the couch with my head on her lap and feel like hell. I just want him to come and get me. I just need him to come and get me.

The next day I wake up feeling a little bit better. I get out of bed and head to the kitchen and pour some coffee and have breakfast with Madison.

“How are you feeling today?” she asks.

“Better,” I say. “But still not great.”

She gives a little nod.

The door bell rings and she sighs before getting up from the table and she goes to get the door. I finish my coffee and take a breath. I don’t feel good still from all the drinking I did yesterday. I hear Zoe growling in the living room and I wonder what the hell her problem is.

“Lana!” Madison calls. “It’s for you,” she says as she comes into the kitchen again.

“Ok,” I say. I’m not really sure I want to see anybody today but okay. I go to the living room and my heart skips a couple beats when I see Austin standing by the door. Zoe is crouched down growling and barking but he doesn’t seem to notice her.

“Lana,” he says.

“What are you doing here?” I ask in a casual tone even though I desperately want to throw myself around him and cry and all that.

“I’ve been thinking about the things you said,” he says and looks down. “Fuck can we get the fucking dog out of here, she’s distracting as shit.”

“Madison, can you get Zoe please?” I call to the kitchen. A few seconds later she comes in and drags Zoe out of the room by her collar. “What is the point here, Austin?”

“I want you to come home, Lana,” he says. “I’ve been a mess without you, I miss you. I love you and I need you to come home. You were right, everything you said and it took me a couple days to see it, and I’m sorry. I was an asshole, and I wouldn’t blame you for not coming home. But I hope you will.”

“Austin…” I say and look away.

“I know, I was a dick. It isn’t your fault, it has never been your fault and I’m so sorry I acted the way I did. If I could take it back I would.” He goes into his jacket pocket and comes out with the engagement ring. “I love you, please believe me when I tell you I’m sorry.”