The Poison in Your Blood

I’m sitting on the edge of my bed with my phone against my ear. I’ve been home for two days and I have been putting off this phone call. I’m listening to the phone ring and I’m feeling like maybe I fucked up more than I thought.

Finally after what seems like forever he answers. “Hello, Lana,” he says.

“Jon,” I say. “I’ve been meaning to call you and say I’m sorry for my behavior the other day.”

“It’s okay, Lana,” he says. “I’ve been there a couple of times, and you were always there when I needed somebody.”

“No, it was wrong of me to call you and embarrass you like that, I’m so sorry,” I say.

“Really, I understand,” he says. “Are you busy this afternoon? I’m going to be in Los Angeles for a couple of months and thought I’d like to see you. I promise, no strings attached,” he adds.

I bite my lip a little and look over my shoulder at Austin. I told him I needed to call Jon and apologize and he thought it was a good idea if I felt like I really needed to. He’s basically supportive of my desire to maybe maintain a friendship with Jonathan so long as it’s only friendship. But I’m not sure how he’s going to feel about me going out with Jon two days after we’ve made up.

He looks at me and gives me a little smile. “You can go if you want, you don’t need my permission,” he says.

“I see you’ve worked things out with your relationship,” Jon says.

“Yea, the day after I saw you he came and we talked and decided to work it out,” I say. “I’d love to see you. Maybe we can have lunch and this time I won’t become a sloppy drunk.”

He laughs. “That sounds like a good idea,” he says.

“Alright, I can meet you somewhere?” I ask.

“Of course,” he says.

We set up a place and time and I tell him I’ll see him then and I hang up the phone before turning over and crawling over Austin and lying across his chest. He groans a little bit at the suddenness of my weight on his chest and he looks at me. “I love you,” he says.

“I love you, too,” I say and draw imaginary circles on his chest with my dark purple fingernails. He isn’t wearing a shirt, and his skin is warm. I close my eyes for a second and breathe in his intoxicating scent and enjoy the feeling. I really should be getting ready to go out with Jon but this is nice too.

I feel his hand on my back and it slides down to my ass. He gives a little squeeze but it feels surprisingly nonsexual. I appreciate that we don’t have to base our relationship only on sex. It’s good to have a relationship that has its share of romance in it. So maybe he’s a little different, I still love him.

“I’ve been looking at wedding dresses,” I say.

“Yea?” he asks. “What kind of dress are you thinking about?”

“A great big one! A dress that makes me feel like Scarlett O’Hara,” I say and trace a circle around his nipple.

“You know you’re only 5’6” right?” he asks.

“So?”

“A dress like that will swallow you whole,” he says.

“I could find a good one,” I protest.

“Well, when you find the one you want let me know and I’ll pay for it,” he says. His hand has moved down to my thigh now and he’s rubbing my skin a little. It feels amazing.

“Oh did I tell you! Blair is starting to be able to talk a little bit again! The doctors think she’s making good progress,” I say excitedly. I haven’t been to see Blair in a couple days. I feel like a bad daughter but I’ve had so much going on and I haven’t had the chance to see her. I make a note to go and visit tomorrow, and maybe I’ll even drag Austin along with me.

“That’s great, babe,” he says. His eyes get a faraway look for a second. “I’m glad she’s going to be okay. I remember watching you try and pull her out of that bathtub.”

“She almost died,” I say and let my memories come up to the surface for a second. I can’t say how thankful I am that Austin was there with me that day. I’d been so panicked and upset that Blair likely would have died had I been left in charge of it. I couldn’t even get her out of the bathtub.

“Hey,” he says and brings me out of my thoughts. “Don’t go away like that, it never brings anything good.”

“I was thinking about how much of a blessing it is to have you in my life,” I say. “You’ve done so many amazing things for me.”

“You give me too much credit, Lana,” he says.

I wave it off and turn my attention back to drawing circles and squiggly lines on his chest with my finger nails. I kiss his chest and finally I decide I better get up and take care of my business. I start to lift myself off him but he pulls me back down.

“You have a little bit longer,” he says.

“I have to get ready,” I say. “It takes time you know.”

“Only for women,” he says. “He’ll probably get dressed ten minutes before you are supposed to meet him.”

“But I’m a woman,” I say.

“Stay with me a little longer,” he insists.

I roll my eyes and playfully bite his nipple.

“That doesn’t hurt,” he says and gives me a grin.

“Does anything hurt you?”

“Not really,” he says and shrugs.

“What if you were like, stabbed or something?”

“That would probably hurt,” he says. “I was shot by one guy. That was pretty painful.”

“What?!” I ask with widened eyes.

He laughs at me. “It was when I first started going out to feed around here, and I wasn’t all that good at hiding out and shit. It was in a park or something, in the dark. And this guy was walking by, and he looked like a pretty bad person and smelled like one too. I can always tell by how somebody smells if they are bad people. I stepped out behind him from some bushes or whatever, and he heard me and turned around and shot me. Of course, at the moment that only pissed me off, and it hit me in the chest, so he at that point decided maybe he should run since I didn’t fall over and bleed to death.”

“Christ, you have the best stories,” I say and roll my eyes.

“It was the only time somebody really tried to fight back. Although, there was this one woman, I didn’t kill her, she was being attacked by some guy in an alley way, and after I saved her life you threw holy water on me and started praying. I found that pretty comical.”

“Holy water?” I ask.

“Yea, you know, to clear the demons or something,” he says.

“So did it burn?” I ask in a teasing voice.

He laughs out loud. “Being shot hurt worse than the holy water. Mostly I found the holy water annoying.”

“Did you at least get the guy that shot you?”

“Yea,” he says. “He took off, full speed, like a bat out of hell. But, you know, even at his fastest he wasn’t much of a match for me.”

“Well that’s fun,” I say.

“My wife freaked out. I came home and I usually always tried to steer clear of her until I’d showered or something. But she was on her way out when I came in, and I had blood all over, that guy really made an effort to fight back. And I’d taken off my shirt before, so I had a bullet hole in my chest and she literally passed out. Went down in a heap on the floor.”

“I probably would have too,” I say. “I passed out when you tore that one guy’s heart out.”

“Well, that was pretty dramatic,” he says and laughs. “Jami wanted to take me to the hospital when she woke up. She was screaming and freaking out about how I’d been shot and needed to go to the hospital and whatever. And I was like ‘Babe, I can’t go to the hospital. The doctors would have a hard time figuring out why I had no blood pressure or heart beat.’ It took me two hours to convince her that it wasn’t going to be a good idea to go to the hospital. She got the bullet out of my chest. It hadn’t gone in very deep and she was able to kind of squeeze it out enough to get a hold on it and pull it out. The wound heeled surprisingly quickly and left no scar.”

“I’m not going to squeeze any bullets out of your chest,” I say then.

“You want to know about painful, having her get that thing out hurt worse than it being put in there. And of course she was disgusted and panicking and a couple times when she was squeezing it up I had to force myself not to scream. Last thing I wanted to do was scream and scare her anymore.”

“Gross,” I say.

He laughs. “Alright, you better get ready to see your ex,” he says.

“Are you sure you’re alright with it?”

“It’s fine, baby,” he says. “I trust you.”

“I’m glad you trust me,” I say and kiss him on his mouth.

I get off him and go to our bathroom and turn on the shower. I sigh when I see the bruises on my collar bone where he bit me. It’s totally only sexual bite marks and none of them broke skin but the left little bruises. I have a couple on my breasts and I have one really big hand shaped bruise on my thigh. He has a tendency to grab too tight when we are in the middle of it.

I sigh again and decide maybe I should lose five pounds and then I get in the shower. I wash my hair and all the important parts and continue thinking about how maybe I should lose ten instead of five. I’ve gotten pretty soft since I’ve been living with Austin. He gives me stress with his…you know…condition, and sometimes stress translates to pints of Ben and Jerry’s for lunch.

I get out of the shower and dry my hair before walking out to the bedroom wrapped in a towel. “Do you think I’m fat?” I ask.

“Oh shit,” he says and puts down his phone to look at me. “What the hell are you talking about?”

“I was looking at myself in the shower, and look, I’m fucking fat,” I say. I open the towel and let it fall on the ground.

“If you stand naked in front of me, don’t blame me when you are late for your lunch date,” he says.

“Austin! I’m asking you a question!” I complain.

“Lana,” he says and puts his arm over his eyes in frustration. “You aren’t fat.”

“Yes I am!” I protest. “I’m going on a diet.”

“Why?”

“Because I’m fat!”

“Lana, you are not fat. But, just so we are clear. If you were in fact fat, it wouldn’t matter.”

“That’s sweet,” I say. I look at my stomach and pinch a little bit of it in my fingers. “But see this, this is fat.”

“What is it with women and their obsession with being fat?”

“It’s because men want girls that are thin!”

“I just want a girl that isn’t crazy,” he says.

I frown.

“Now put your clothes on, you’re giving me a hard on and you aren’t going to let me take care of it.”

I roll my eyes and stroll into the closet and put on a bra and panties. I spend a fair amount of time looking for something to wear and finally decide on a pair of torn skinny jeans and a pretty black top. I put on the shoes Austin gave me for Valentines and examine myself in the mirror. I frown.

When I come out Austin is smoking a cigarette. I cough at him and he flips me off and I laugh before crawling over him and planting a big sloppy kiss on his lips. I take the cigarette from him and take a drag off it and blow it at him softly.

“Bitch,” he says when I give him back his cigarette.

“I’ve got to go,” I say. “Why don’t you give your big fat bitchy girlfriend a little money for gas?”

“I haven’t got a fat girlfriend,” he says. “My hot girlfriend can take the corvette. It has gas in it,” he says.

I think I choked on my own heart. I’ve never driven a car like that and the idea excites me in all the right places. He grins and I can tell that he knows all the dirty thoughts I’m having.

“Keys are in the dresser.”

“See ya later,” I say and get up off the bed. I grab my purse and the keys to the corvette.

“Please bring it back the way you took it,” he says.

“Of course,” I say and blow him a kiss before putting my big sunglasses down over my eyes and I stroll out of the room before taking off at full speed down the stairs and to the garage. It’s a miracle I don’t break my ankle in my heels but I’m so excited about driving this car I can hardly contain myself. I get in and adjust the seat and mirrors and put the top down in excited bliss.

I pull up in the restaurant parking lot and see Jon getting out of his car. He watches me as I park and put the top on the car up so no birds decide to take a shit on the seats. I get out and lock the car and turn to Jon with a big grin and walk to him and give him a hug. He’s still looking at the car.

“That’s yours?” he asks.

“No,” I say. “It’s my fiancé’s. He let me borrow it,” I say.

“Fiancé?”

“Oh, yea,” I say. “We got engaged on Valentine’s Day.”

He gives me a smile then. “That’s good,” he says. “Congratulations.”

That whole thing seems kind of forced but I make an effort not to point it out. “Thank you,” I say. I feel strange with him for a second. I’ve gotten used to Austin being much taller than me, even when I’m wearing heels. Jonathan is taller, but not by a lot so when I wear heels I end up at about his height.

“Let’s go inside,” I say after a few tense seconds.

He nods in agreement and we both make our ways into the restaurant. We are seated and I order a soda so not to be tempted to order alcohol. The server brings a basket full of bread and our drinks and I bite on my lip a little bit to remind myself I need to lose ten pounds. I take a small piece of bread and lightly butter it. Jon is watching me.

“What in the world are you doing?” he asks.

“I need to lose some weight,” I say.

“For what reason?”

“Because I’m fat,” I say and give him a weak smile.

“Who told you that?” he asks. The expression on his face shows he wants to add something like “You’re fiancé?” in a sarcastic tone.

I’m forever thankful that he keeps that in his thoughts.

“Nobody,” I say. “I noticed it when I went in the shower today.”

“I assure you you aren’t fat,” he says.

Men just don’t understand.

I eat the little piece of bread and chew my lip as I look over the menu. I’m not really sure what to have for lunch, I just know that I desperately want a piece of cheesecake for dessert. Oh hell I can start my diet tomorrow.

“It’s good to see you happy again, Lana,” he says. “Last time I saw you…it was heartbreaking.”

“I know…and I’m so sorry I acted the way I did last time I saw you. I was just…I was in a bad place. I’d had this big fight with my fiancé and I was staying with my friend and I was just, I don’t know. I was set on sharing my misery.”

“I’m happy you called me,” he says. “It would have been much worse if you’d been alone. I knew as soon as I picked up the phone you’d been drinking.”

“And you still came?” I ask.

“That’s what friends are for, Lana,” he says in his sexy Irish accent. “I couldn’t leave you alone like that. I know what it’s like to be that lonely.”

“I wouldn’t want to be my friend after what I put you through,” I say.

“Lana, I love you,” he says. “I could never leave you in a bad place because I didn’t feel like putting up with you.”

The words kind of linger for a few seconds and I feel a wave of emotions coming up in my chest. It’s been a long time since I’ve really had a real conversation with him. At least it feels like it’s been a long time.

“That’s very selfless of you,” I say.

“You were very selfless for a very long time,” he says. “It was because of you that I decided to get it together again. I woke up one morning realizing that I’d called you the night before, drunk and stupid and I’d made you cry. I regret all the times I called you while I was drunk and made you cry.”

“I tried to be there for you,” I say and look down. The server comes and we put in our orders quickly and he leaves. “I tried so hard, but you pushed me away so much.”

“I know,” he says and stops to think about it for a minute. “I think when you are really caught up in addiction it’s much easier to push people away than accept that your behavior is hurting them. But finally I woke up and saw all the stupid bullshit I’d put you through.”

“I’d have gone to the ends of the earth for you,” I say. “I think honestly in many ways I still would. I’ll never totally get over the love I have for you.”

“But you are happy now, Lana. Don’t let me take that away from you,” he says in a very serious tone. “I don’t want you to spend time dwelling on what we might have been had I not been so stupid. You seem like to belong with this…new man.”

“He loves me,” I say. “And I never have to wait for him to say it.”

“I can’t tell you how sorry I am it took me so long to see how much I loved you,” he says. “But it’s better…I’m not good for you.”

“I’d like to be friends,” I say. “You have been a big part of my life, and I hope to have you in it for a very long time.”

I would say the rest of my life. But I’m planning to have Austin turn me whether he wants to or not and so then all my friends will eventually die. That thought always makes me a little hesitant.

“I would like very much to be your friend,” he says and takes hold of my hand from across the table. “I hope you will invite me to your wedding?”

“Of course,” I say and smile widely at him. “You can be a bridesmaid.”

He laughs loudly and I can’t help but laugh with him.

“So, when I woke up the last time I saw you Madison was pretty pissed off. What did she say to you?” I ask.

He smiles a little bit. “She asked me what the hell I was doing in her house,” he says. “I’d been in your room with you most of the time you were sleeping, but I went out to find the bathroom and she came in and she was pretty livid.”

“She isn’t your biggest fan,” I say and kind of laugh.

“I gathered that,” he says. “She asked me why I would take advantage of you when you were in such a dark place…and she called me some unfortunate names.” He laughs. “I’d have explained what happened had she given me a chance.”

“She gets a little excited sometimes,” I say.

“She seemed sure I’d slept with you,” he says.

“It’s probably a good thing my advances didn’t get me far,” I say.

He laughs again. “Lana, dear,” he says. “You smelled like sour alcohol and you couldn’t stand up. You passed out on the bed. I much prefer my women conscience when I sleep with them.”

I don’t know if I should laugh or be incredibly embarrassed. I give him a weak smile and take a sip of my soda. “I really made a fool of myself.”

“I understood,” he says. “I’d have stayed with you as long as you needed me. I didn’t sleep with you because I knew you’d only hate me in the end. It wouldn’t have helped you.”

“Thank you,” I say. “For helping me when I needed it. I can’t tell you how much I appreciate it.”

“I’m always here for you, Lana. I might not always be able to come running, because I do work. But I will always be here for you, and you can always call me. I love you, darling,” he says and lifts my hand to his lips before kissing it gently.

“I love you, too,” I say. “And I’m so happy we had a chance to talk.”

“As am I,” he says.

We finish lunch and take our time saying goodbye in the parking lot. He tells me he’s going to be in Los Angeles for the next several months working on a project and I can call him anytime I want to meet for a meal and I give him a long hug before going back to to corvette. I pull out my phone and look at my text messages.

One from Austin that says “Have a good time” with a smiley face. I have two from Annalise. The first says she’s going to make something for dinner for us. But it’s the second that makes my heart stop in my chest for a second.

Lana, can you pick me up and Josh up at the hospital? His stepdad broke his arm and we don’t have a car

The responsible adult in me knows I need to do something. I can’t just let this kid stay in that situation. But the part of me that’s engaged to a vampire with anger management issues isn’t sure that it would be a great idea to get involved. That will probably just lead to dead bodies and Josh knowing all the gory details.

I type back quickly Sorry I just got your message. Do you still need a ride?

No, Austin picked us up she sends back.

Well…so much for not getting him involved. Let’s hope this time isn’t as bad as the others.