The Poison in Your Blood

My dress is white with a big blue mark on one side, it’s got long sleeves and is basically form fitting. I can’t complain, I love the dress completely. I got a pair of white shoes to match and a bouquet of blue roses and white lilies. Austin got our honeymoon planned and paid for, but because it was short notice we ended up just planning a trip to Las Vegas. We joked a little bit about how that was perfectly fine, because in Vegas you can go to Egypt, New York, Paris, and Italy all in one weekend.

I’m standing outside the room where we are about to get married taking deep breaths through my nose and letting them out my mouth. I’m happy and I’m excited but I’m nervous as hell. Once I’m married I’m tied to him forever. But at the same time, I’d rather be with him for the rest of my life then spend a minute apart from him. I’ve given him my soul already, might as well give him my life.

I run my fingers over my blue wing earrings and take one more deep breath. It’s almost time for us to get married. We are next in line. I hear Austin walking towards me with a couple people, some acquaintance type friends of his that agreed to be our witnesses and take some pictures for us. Our bags are packed and in the Corvette so as soon as we say our vows and sign our papers we can head out to a week in Sin City. We didn’t tell anybody we are getting married, and we only told the kids we were going to Vegas for a week so they wouldn’t worry.

“You ready, Lana?” he asks me and kisses me on my mouth.

“Of course,” I say and take a deep breath.

“You look beautiful,” he says.

“Thank you,” I say.

He’s dressed in black pants and a black velvet jacket over a white button up shirt and a blue tie to match my dress. He’s got his boots on and I just need to throw it out there that he looks perfect. I dig my mirror out of my purse and check my hair. I went through the painful process of curling it and put like a bottle worth of hair spray in it to keep it looking pretty, and I’ve got a little diamond pin pushing it out of my face on one side.

I worked hard on my eye makeup and I managed to get a little bit of a very light pinkish color lipstick on and I feel really pretty and maybe a little over done to have a courthouse wedding. But because I wanted pictures of it and what not I figured I should put a little effort into it.

I take once last deep breath and it’s our turn to get our wedding thing going. We walk in together, and he’s holding my hand. I’ve got my little bouquet in the other hand and I hold it in front of me. I hear the cameras going off and shit but my mind if pretty focused on getting to the Judge so we can get this over with.

We are standing in front of the Judge, holding hands, and I meet Austin’s eyes and finally a sense of total calm washes over me and I notice it isn’t because he’s hypnotizing me. It’s because as nervous as I was I know inside myself this was the right thing to do, because this is who I belong with for always.

We go through the vows without ever breaking the eye contact, even when we exchange rings. Much to my protest he bought me a wedding band to go with my engagement ring. It’s a thin white gold band with diamonds encrusted across the top, and it is very pretty. His ring is more basic, but after all he is a man so he is no need of a fancy wedding ring. It’s pretty and masculine and whatever.

Once the rings are exchanged I feel tears lining my eyes and the judge informs us we are now husband and wife and we may kiss. I watch him lean down and he pulls me against his chest and he kisses me hard on the mouth. I feel my body melt into the forceful kiss and I can taste the salt of my tears and I love it.

We spend a little while filling out all the legal paperwork and the name change shit, so I’m officially Lana Winkler rather than Lana Davis, which is strange in a sense. We agreed we could let people find out we are already married once we get home from Vegas. It would be hard to hide when we are now both wearing rings and I’ve legally changed my name.

After everything is filled out and sent in for processing he thanks his “friends” for helping us out and we head down to the car. He opens the door for me and I slide into the Corvette and put on my seat belt, hoping my dress doesn’t get too wrinkled during the four hour drive up there. I sit and play with my hair a little while he gets in and starts the engine and turns on the radio.

We stop once for gas and as I stand line with an armful of snacks and sodas and stuff to keep me occupied for four and a half hours I have a flashback to the morning he and I left to visit Blair. I’ll have to visit with Blair when we get home. I’ll have to tell her I eloped but not to worry because we’ll be having a real wedding and we’ll be happy to pay for her assistants and nurses to attend with her so she can be there. She’s doing better every day, but her progress remains very limited. She’s able to feed herself and she’s almost able to use the restroom on her own again. She requires assistance in the shower and her speech therapy is still taking a lot of time and effort.

I shake my head once to clear the thoughts and move forward with the line. I look outside and see Austin pumping the gas, still looking lovely in his wedding clothes. I’m sure the jacket won’t last long. It’s late July and it’s hot as hell out here.

An old lady takes hold of my elbow in a friendly gesture and I look at her with a little bit of surprise before she says “Congratulations dear,” in a slightly raspy voice that shows her age.

I feel my lips spread in a huge excited smile. “Thank you so much,” I say. It amazes me momentarily that she should be able to tell I just got married just because my dress is white. I must be sending off newlywed vibes or something. Finally it’s my turn to pay for all my shit and I dump it on the counter and dig for my black credit card.

“Where ya headed, lady?” the cashier asks as I continue looking for my card.

“Las Vegas,” I say.

“Shit, wish I was goin’ to Vegas,” he says as he puts all my snacks into a bag.

I surface the credit card and swipe it on the machine. “Yup,” I say.

“Special occasion?”

“Honeymoon,” I say.

He gives me a nod and hands me a receipt to sign. I sign it and pick up my bag.

“Thanks,” I say.

“No problem, lady. Good luck in Vegas,” he says after me.

I give him a quick wave over my shoulder and head out to the car as my husband closes up the gas tank. I slide into the car with my bag of snacks and take a breath to calm my excitement. A whole week alone with Austin, no teenagers in our face, no cats killing bunnies. Just me and Austin.

“Ready babe?” he asks me as he gets into the car. He pulls the handle of my plastic bag and looks inside. “Got some good shit.”

“I have a hard time on road trips if I haven’t got anything to eat,” I say.

He gives a nod and turns the car on. I open up a bag of hot cheetos, a weakness I have had since I was a little girl, and a bottle of coca-cola as we head out of the gas station.

“You want some real food?” he asks. “Well…if a burger or something can be considered real food.”

My stomach lets out a growl and I frown. He probably heard it before it made a big nasty noise.

“I should probably have something to eat. I was a little…nervous…at breakfast and didn’t get much food in.”

“That’s what I figured,” he says and pulls into the drive through at In-n-Out burger.

“What about you? When did you eat?” I ask and give him a look.

“There is a buffet in Las Vegas for everybody,” he says and gives me a vampire grin and I feel my stomach do a little back flip.

“I shouldn’t have asked,” I say.

He laughs. He orders me a double double with onions and a milk shake at the speaker and to my surprise he gets himself a burger too. “I’ve been living with humans for 9 months now…I’ve fallen into some bad eating habits.”

“I like it when you eat people food,” I say. “Makes me feel less weird.”

“When I was still with my ex-wife I made a point of eating regular food…but after the divorce I didn’t see much point in it. Once in a while I’d have to eat, if I had a meeting or something, but mostly I was on a vampire diet.” He laughs a little as we pull up to the window. He pays for the food and we take off with our burgers.

About an hour into the trip I’ve made a slight dent into my snacks, devoured my burger, and my shake and half of Austin’s. We have some music playing but it isn’t very loud. Every so often he’ll reach across the car and take my hand and give it a squeeze.

“This is a long drive,” I frown.

“I know baby,” he says. “But it will be nice when we get there.”

“Talk to me!” I pout.

He laughs. “You never really told me much about you as a little girl,” he says. “I know everything about after you lost your parents.”

“I was a boring little girl,” I say and give him a little smile. “I was an only child. My mother has some issues when I was born and the doctors told her it would be impossible for her to have any more children. She did get pregnant once, when I was about 7. She lost the baby five months in and my parents were both devastated and so they never tried again.”

“That was a sad story,” he says then.

“I guess,” I say and nod.

“As far as kids go…are you sure you’ll be alright with never being able to have any of your own?” he asks.

I take a breath. “I’ve never wanted children really,” I say. Lie. I used to want kids when I was about 20, I dreamed of having a beautiful little baby I could love and cuddle and all that shit. As my relationships went from bad to worse I lost my desire to have babies because I couldn’t fathom having to care for one by myself. Sometimes now that I’ve found somebody I know I can love and count on I wish I could have children. A bad memory fills my head all of the sudden and I pull away from him, retreating deep into myself.

“What? What’s wrong?” he asks with concern. “I’m sorry, I shouldn’t have asked that.”

“It’s a perfectly understandable question,” I say. “Most women want children, right? I think…I mean we have Anna and Josh…” I add, stammering over my words as the bad feelings won’t go away.

“Lana, please tell me what’s wrong,” he says.

“I can’t,” I say. “I’ll start crying and we’ve just gotten married and I should be happy.”

“If you don’t let it go you are going to hold onto it the whole time we are up here and you won’t have a good time.”

I take a breath and hold it for a second. The truth is he’s right. I’ll come up here with this memory surfaced and never be able to let it go back to its hole where it’s been buried for so long. I take hold of his hand.

“It’s a fucking sad story,” I say.

“I can handle that,” he says.

I take in a huge gulp of air and blow it out in a harsh sigh. I search my mind for a place to start. “It’s not something I talk about with anybody, ever. Even Madison, who is my female soul mate, doesn’t know. I buried it away for a long long time. Something I prefer to keep hidden and buried because it only hurts me.”

“I won’t bring it up,” he says. “But you can tell me anything.”

“I had an abortion when I was 17,” I say. It feels strange to hear the words out loud. In 12 years I’ve never said them. I wait a few seconds for some kind of backlash or something, but he just looks out the window thoughtfully and continues driving.

“Oh,” he says. “Why?” he asks after a long time.

“I was 17 years old…I was being raped by my adoptive mother’s husband,” I say. “I had this boyfriend, kind of like Josh, only I didn’t actually love him. He was just there…when I needed to forget that Fred was raping me. I don’t know for sure who the father of the baby was…it could have been Fred, and it could have been Matt…I guess in the end it doesn’t matter.”

Austin is silent for a long minute, absorbing my little confession. I feel like I should explain more. I feel like what I’ve said doesn’t justify what I did.

“I was scared to death of having a baby…besides the fact that I couldn’t bring myself to tell Blair I was pregnant when I was 17.”

“It wasn’t your fault,” he says. “If her husband was…”

“But that’s the thing, I don’t know if he was the father,” I say. “He likely was, I’d only been serious with the boyfriend a couple times. But that doesn’t change the possibility. Anyway, if Fred would have found out he would have made me have an abortion. Couldn’t take a chance of the baby coming out looking like him. He probably would have called me a lot of hurtful things in front of Blair first but he would have made me have an abortion.”

There is another pause. My stomach is upset and I’m feeling like this was a shitty time for that to resurface. “I went through a long time, several years where I badly wanted a baby. Maybe it was…because I wanted to make up for the one I killed.”

“Baby, don’t think of it that way,” he says. “As much as it sucks…and as much as I’m sure it hurt, you did what you had to in your situation.”

For some reason that isn’t as comforting as I’d hoped it would be. “I panicked and I murdered a baby. I was 4 months pregnant and I killed the baby.”

“Lana,” he says and takes hold of my hand again. “It’s okay.”

“I shouldn’t have brought it up,” I say and wipe my nose. I feel tears on my face and I hate myself for a few minutes. “I could have just left it…”

“You’re my wife,” he says. “No secrets, I want to know everything…because I love you completely.”

“You don’t hate me?”

“Babe, you were 17,” he says. “I understand.”

This time it is comforting. I take a breath and I feel better. I feel like a weight has been lifted off my shoulders, and in a way I feel strange. “Did you want kids?” I ask.

“I did,” he says and lets go of my hand. “I wasn’t ready for a while. Then this happened and I found out I couldn’t have kids. It bothers me to know that I can’t have any children. I can’t really even think about adopting one or anything you know, because it would grow up and die and I would still be stuck here.”

“That is sad,” I say and look down. “Fuck, this is supposed to be our honeymoon and we are sharing depressing stories.”

“We’ll get back to happy soon enough,” he says and gives me a grin. “I can smell peanut M & M’s.”

This gives me an excuse to eat candy, so I dig the M & M’s out of the bag and open them up and we share them. A few hours later we pull in to the Las Vegas city limits and we’ve moved on to better conversation and left behind talk of abortions and infertility. We get tickets to a show and after that we have dinner and head to our room. We are staying at the Venetian, a beautiful hotel if I do say so.

We get into our room and Austin drops the bags before pulling me against him and kissing me on my lips.

“I’ve got to get changed,” I say.

“Sounds fun,” he says and gives me a dirty grin.

“It will be,” I say. I take my smaller bag and go into the bathroom and lock the door. I look at myself in the mirror for a few minutes and think about the day. I pull my earrings out and take the pin out of my hair before changing into a sheer teddy night gown and a big wedding garter. I leave my white shoes on and adjust my black hair a little and take a breath before deciding I need some more mascara and some lip gloss. I take a few minutes to fluff up my hair and make myself look sexy before opening up the door and strutting out.

“Consider it a wedding present,” I say to him as I crawl over him on the bed.

“It’s a good wedding present,” he says. He runs his hands up my sides and I feel a burst of energy. I lean down and kiss him on his mouth, and it feels perfect to lay in bed and make love with my husband.