The Poison in Your Blood

I’m lying in the back yard on a lounge chair. I smell barbeque all around me. Madison and Doug are on their way over. The pool is nice and cool the air is nice and hot. Anna has made all kinds of pasta salad and macaroni salad and fruit salad. I’m sipping a margarita. I’ve been home from my honeymoon since yesterday, and my kids have spoiled me into feeling like I’m still there. I haven’t mentioned yet that we went and got secretly married. I figure I’ll tell them once Madison and Doug get here. Save myself the trouble of having to tell everybody separately.

I hear some music come on over the outdoor speakers. Our neighbors hate us so much it isn’t even cute. The old man next door likes to stare at me while I walk out to my car every day. It’s creepy in way too many ways. Anyway, I close my eyes and let the sun wash over me and I feel good.

I feel Austin lift me and position himself under me in a quick movement and he gives me a kiss on the mouth.

“Enjoying the sun light?”

“Very much,” I say.

“Are we going to tell everybody tonight?”

“I think we should,” I say. “It’s not a big deal. We already bought everybody’s plane tickets to the big wedding.”

I hear a splash then and I laugh lightly when Anna comes up out of the water for air. She’s got a tan which is surprising since it doesn’t really match her demonic Goth look. Her hair is purple now too. And I don’t mean reddish purple. I mean like grape jolly rancher purple. I personally love it for her, but never for myself.

Josh jumps into the pool with her and she splashes water at him. I love having my kids. I sometimes think about how fucking weird it is that my kids are sleeping with each other, but that’s okay too. I’d be more than thrilled to accept Josh as my son at any moment.

We’ve really taken on the role of parents for Annalise. We discussed legally adopting her but we haven’t made a real decision on that yet. I have legal guardianship, and Blair has unfortunately been deemed unsuitable and stripped of her parental rights, leaving Annalise with no legal or biological parents. To me she will always be my sister and I can’t imagine thinking of her as any other relation. But I’ve noticed that she’s mentally put Austin in her father category.

I hear Madison laughing from inside the house and I look over my shoulder to see her coming into the back yard with Doug. She comes over and gives me a hug.

“I missed you for a week!” she says.

“I know, I’m sorry!” I say. “I missed you too.”

“She didn’t think about either of us for a second,” Doug says. “Alone for a week with her man. You know all she was thinking about was taking advantage of him.”

“Shut up, pig!” I say and stand up to give him a hug. My tattoo has finally healed up and is feeling good.

“Hey! If I was alone in Vegas with you, I’d be spending all my time thinking about how to take advantage of you!” he says with laughter in his voice.

I can’t help but roll my eyes.

“Hey, hey,” Austin says. “Keep your eyes and your dirty thoughts away from my wife.”

Well, took care of the announcement thing.

“Wife?” Doug asks in a playful tone. “Is that what you were doing in Vegas? Leaving us all out of the party?”

Madison is looking at me with narrow eyes.

“What?!” I ask. “We…may have gotten married at the court house…” I say.

“Why didn’t you tell me?” she asks.

“We were planning to tell you all tonight,” Austin says. “It just slipped out a little sooner than planned.”

“I would have told you,” I say to her. “But it was a personal thing…you know…something that was just between us until we got back from the honeymoon. It was kind of…I don’t know, romantic.”

“Damn, I was looking forward to my free trip to the Bahamas,” Doug says.

I roll my eyes again. “We are still going to have our wedding. We want our families to attend and stuff, and of course the two of you. Both of you are so important to me.”

“Sweet! Then I won’t miss out on my piece of cake…and a weekend in the Caribbean with this little hot rock,” he says and puts his arm around Madison’s waist.

She gives him a kind of dirty little grin. I can’t help but notice the look of adoration in his eyes though as he returns her smile and I feel bad for him. I’d like to say he can’t see that she isn’t on the same track yet, but I know he can. I know he knows she isn’t there yet and for some reason he’s still standing with her, still giving his heart to her. I don’t know if that’s a great quality in a man or a stupid one. But what I do know is someday she’ll be ready to settle down and Doug will have the ring in the box.

Anna gets out of the pool then and runs over to hug Madison and Doug, even though she’s soaking wet. “I missed you guys!” she says. “How is my Zoe doing?” she asks Madison.

“She’s great, you should come and visit her,” Madison says.

“I keep meaning too, but I’m always busy with something,” Anna says and sighs.

“Did you know that Lana and Austin eloped?” Doug asks her. “I want to know how many people were lied to.” He sticks his tongue out at me.

“I knew,” Anna says and grins. “Lana left a note pad on the kitchen counter with her appointment information.”

Well, that’s good to know.

“Well…I have been known to have the occasional blond moment,” I say.

“Why in the world did you think I planned this big party, Lana? Not that I don’t love Madison and Doug, but didn’t you find it suspicious that I planned out a big party for you the day after you get home? I even baked a cake. To congratulate the two of you…on your, not quite as secret as I’m sure you’d hoped, marriage.”

“Oh my God, that’s what this is about!?” I ask and I laugh.

“Besides, even if you wouldn’t have left the evidence in plain sight, you both came home wearing wedding bands you hadn’t been wearing when you left,” she says.

“You are observant,” Austin says.

“I always have been,” she says and shrugs. “Anyways! Enough of this discussion crap; can we just have the party? The steaks are about to go on the grill, and I have a bunch of salads on the table. Make yourself some drinks, let’s have fun!”

After several hours in and out of the pool, a couple games of bathing suit twister, a few margaritas, and a delicious dinner of grilled steak and corn on the cob, we are sitting around the fire pit I insisted on having put in when we got the pool put in. I’m stuffed and feeling a little sleepy. I’ve got one of Austin’s sweat shirts on so its fucking huge on me. I’ve got my body rolled up and I’m leaning against Austin. It’s surprisingly cool out for the beginning of August.

“How are things going at work?” I ask Madison.

“Pretty great,” she says. “I finally got that deal worked out with Macy’s. My products will be sold nationwide in their stores now,” she says excitedly.

“Oh my god! That’s amazing!” I say and instantly get to my feet and hug her. “I’m so happy for you!”

“I know! This road has been a long one,” she says and laughs.

“It was a dream and now it’s coming true,” I say. “And I’m so proud of you for it! I always knew you’d pull your way up.”

I hear a slight clatter of glass then and a pop of a champagne bottle.

“I think we have call for a toast,” Austin says as he pours the champagne into six glasses. He stops for a second and looks at the kids. “Oh what the hell…one drink a few years early won’t kill you,” he says and hands them their glasses.

Doug stands up then and takes his own glass. “I’m gonna say it, so sit down,” he says and playfully shoves Austin.

Austin laughs. Rather than him sitting everybody else stands though and we take our glasses.

“I’m going to mash it all into one, so be prepared,” Doug starts. “First, of course! Congratulations to Austin and Lana on their marriage! Congratulations to Austin for finding a woman who is willing to put up with all of his bullshit for the rest of her life,” he says and grins.

Austin flips him off, but he’s laughing.

“And congratulations to my very beautiful, very talented and energetic girl, Madison,” he says. “For achieving her dream. I know what it feels like when finally your stars line up…and I personally am honored to be here with you while it happens,” he says. He’s looking straight at her now.

I feel like I might cry from the sincerity and romance and love that laces his words. Then we all clink our glasses together and drink the champagne.

The next morning I’m standing in front of the new mirror in the closet. I examine myself and frown. I’m dressed in a pair of nice jeans and a pretty black top. But I just feel gross. I mess with my hair for a minute and put on my makeup.

“Guess this is as good as its gonna get,” I say to myself. I put my purse over my shoulder and sigh.

I hurry down to my car and hop in, not terribly excited about where I’m headed. When I pull up in front of the rehabilitation center I feel even less good about it. I came to see Blair today and tell her about my marriage and that I’m still having a big wedding so not to worry. But I’ve been talking a lot with her doctors lately and they aren’t sure it’s such a good idea for her to travel that far. It would cost a lot of money to have all the medical care she would require to travel with her and because it is essential she have them all they can’t give her clearance to go without them. I wish so much she wouldn’t have attempted suicide.

I walk into the building and check in and get my visitors tag and go back to her room. She’s sitting in her bed, looking tired and frustrated. Her eyes land on me and she gives me a smile but it doesn’t reach her eyes and I know it’s hardly genuine.

“Hi, mom,” I say to her and give her a hug.

“Hello,” she says and nods. She speaks now with the slow drawl of a special needs child.

“How are things going? You got your hair cut?” I ask. Her blond hair is shorter than I’ve seen it in a long time.

“They told me it would help with the heat,” she says.

I try not to let her see that I struggle to understand her. I sit on the edge of the bed and take her hand but she pulls it out of my grip.

“What’s the matter, mom?” I ask.

“I don’t like it…here…” she says and looks down at her blankets.

I notice for the first time that she’s still in her pajamas. It’s after 10 in the morning. For a minute I’m glad Anna didn’t want to come this time. It would have only been bad for her to see her mother, really the only mother she’s ever known, the way Blair is today.

“Why? Are they not good to you?” I ask. Austin and I spent a lot of time, and he a lot of money, to be sure she was in a place they would take care of her and treat her with respect and dignity. So It worries me to think that maybe they aren’t being as good to her as they should.

She shakes her head to tell me that isn’t the problem. “They are…very…nice.”

“Then why don’t you like it?”

“I want…to…go home,” she says.

“But you can’t,” I say in a soft voice. “You aren’t better enough yet to go home on your own.”

I have to try and keep her calm. Something strange happened when she was in a coma and she’s so much like a child now. When she is upset it easily escalates to a full temper tantrum worthy of a two year old.

“Please understand, it’s for your own good that we have you here,” I say.

“You…put me here…when I wanted…to go home,” she says.

“I put you here so they can help you,” I say gently. I try again to take her hand but this time she snatches it away aggressively and I feel bad. “I came to give you some news,” I say.

“I don’t…care” she says.

“Mom…” I say.

“M-my name…is Blair,” she says.

The words sting and I feel like all the air has been kicked out of my chest. I hate it and I want nothing more than to have the Blair I know and love back rather than this infant sitting in front of me. The mean and angry toddler she’s become.

“And how do you think going home is going to benefit you, Blair?” I ask bitterly. “You who can hardly talk and cannot use the restroom unassisted?”

It occurs to me then that I am being very childish, and I am completely healthy and able to know better. I take a deep breath before looking at her and try and force a smile.

“I know it’s frustrating…”

“No!” she says. “You don’t know…they…push…and push and push…and I never…get…to go home.”

“Blair…you tried to kill yourself,” I say. “You were without oxygen for a long time…and it was a miracle they were able to save you from all the meds you’d taken…you have a lot of irreversible brain damage…” I say.

“M-maybe…I didn’t want…to…be sssaved.”

I make a note to discuss the stammer with her doctor. It wasn’t present last time I saw her. But then I push it to the back of my mind as I think about the words she said. It hurts me to know she’s still wishing she’d have died.

“…No…I don’t think you did…” I say and wipe a tear from my cheek. “Austin and I got married last week…we eloped. But I still plan to have a big wedding in the Bahamas.”

She isn’t looking at me while I talk. She just crosses her arms and pouts.

“I’ll bring you a lot of pictures…and I’ll have somebody make a video of the whole thing. But…but the doctors don’t think you should go. It would be too difficult to have enough help for you travel that far…” I say. “I’ll come back another time, when you are feeling better.”

As I leave I get a sick feeling in the bottom of my stomach. Something tells me I should tell her doctor to keep a close eye on her. I’m walking out of the building when I hear somebody calling me.

“Ms. Davis! Ms. Davis!”

I turn to see Blair’s primary doctor coming towards me. She looks far too young to be a doctor, and far to cheerful to be a doctor in a place like this. Her hair is strawberry blond and long and straight. She stops when she reaches me and takes a breath.

“I’m glad I caught you, Ms. Davis,” she says.

“Oh,” I say. I don’t know if I should correct her in how to address me or not.

“I have a few things I’d like to discuss with you in regard to your mother,” she says. “If you’ll follow me to my office.”

“Of course,” I say.

We walk down a hallway and into a little room. I take a breath before having a seat at the desk. She walks around to her seat and sits daintily. I notice a simple gold band around the third finger on her left hand and it occurs to me that she’s married and has a life outside of this place too.

“Okay…Ms. Davis,” she says.

“Its Mrs. Winkler now…” I say. “Or Lana…you can call me Lana.”

She gives me a weak smile. “Congratulations,” she says and coughs. “Mrs. Winkler.”

So much for being friendly.

“Anyways, Mrs. Winkler,” she says and take a breath. “I have some bad news for you.”

“Oh,” I say and take my own breath to remain calm through it.

“Unfortunately, Mrs. Harold, your mother, has shown many signs of regression over the last couple of weeks. You may have also noticed a stammer in her speech,” the doctor says.

“Yes, I did notice the stammer,” I say. I frown. Regression is not a good thing.

“It’s very strange,” she says and sighs. “She just seems to have given up. It happened over a couple days, she stopped making progress…she started having more of her…break downs. She’s started to have seizures…it is doesn’t make any sense. She was doing quite well.”

“Seizures?” I ask. “Won’t that cause further brain damage?” I ask.

“It will…I’ve put her on medication for the seizures…as well as to assist her with sleeping. She’s had a very difficult time sleeping.”

This is all very overwhelming. I have to focus on breathing steadily. Why is she regressing? Why doesn’t she want to get better? She wants to badly to go home, but she doesn’t want to continue getting better. She wants to sit and feel sorry for herself and remain dependent on a place she doesn’t like.

“We had hoped to see her reaching her full potential by now…we don’t estimate that she’ll ever be able to live on her own again. Especially now that the seizures have started…but I just don’t know what kind of progress she’s going to make if she chooses not to try.”

“This is my fault,” I whisper. “I shouldn’t have told her…”

“People do strange things,” the doctor says then. “I am unaware of the reason she choose to attempt suicide…and where you may think some news you gave her prior was the sole purpose, it seldom is,” she says.

This makes me wonder what else could have prompted Blair to try and kill herself. I feel badly about it. I desperately want to help her and I know I can’t.

“We have attempted some counseling…most of the results are inconclusive. We have only been able to know her marriage was a source of a lot of her unhappiness…but because it is so much like working with a small child it is difficult to get all of the information out clearly in a way we can understand.”

“So…what you are telling me is she’s never going to get any better…” I say after a few minutes. “This is it. She will always be an angry toddler until she dies?”

The doctor spreads her hands helplessly. “I’m very sorry, Mrs. Winkler. I wish I could tell you otherwise.”

I nod and stand up before wiping my eyes again. “Thank you for letting me know…” I say.

She stands to show me out, but I only shake her hand quickly and leave. I need to be alone now…I need to get away from that place. I speed all the way home and when I walk into the house I throw a vase against the wall. Then all of the sudden Austin has me in his arms.

“What happened?” he asks.

“My mother is never going to get any better…and they are afraid she’s going to get worse now. They told me…she’s regressing…and she’s depressed…she told me today she didn’t want them to save her. She’s getting worse and worse, Austin!” I cry.

He runs his hand over my hair carefully. “It’s going to be okay, Lana.”

“No! It’s not! I shouldn’t have told her about Fred! I should have kept it to myself! Because then she would still be happy at home…in Arizona…”

“And we wouldn’t have Anna…and Anna wouldn’t have Josh…things happen for a reason…sometimes the things that happen have to be bad,” he says.

I feel horrible when he says that…and yet I know he’s right. Blair needed to know anyways. The fact that she wasn’t able to handle it was just an unfortunate effect of the truth. I had to tell her because she needed to know and now she’s not getting better because she’s choosing not to.

He holds me for a long time and I realize how much I need him to do it only when he finally lets me go. I feel drained and angry and tired. I look at his face for a minute and I frown.

“Take me upstairs, Austin,” I say in a low voice. “And distract me for a while. Please.”