First Day
First Day
It’s the first day. The first day without him here. He’s gone and he’s not coming back. I have to move on with my life without him in it. I can do this. I mean how hard can it be…to never see his smile, hear his laugh, talk to him again? I mean, how do you go on with your life with one less person in it. One person shouldn’t make so much of a difference. So what if I never see him again, why should my life suddenly fall apart because of this? It shouldn’t, I won’t let it. But he was such a big part of my life and now that part is over with. It can never be again.
Moving on, that’s what I have to do. I can do this, it can’t be that hard. Millions of people do it every day, right? I can do it too. Just have to get through the first day, then the first week, the first month, the first year. Then it should get better right? I mean a year isn’t too long, I’d known him for two years. In two years would I be better? What difference can a year make? It has to get better, this will go into the recesses of my mind and it won’t be so all consuming in a year. A whole year without him though. What did I use to do before he came along? What am I going to do now? Everything is going to be so different with him gone. It’s only the first day without him and I miss him, so much.
The funeral will be in a few days, how will I feel then? Looking at him sleeping in a casket. Will I be relieved that he’s finally in a better place? Will I think about all the good times we had? Or will I be in pain, wishing he was here to hold my hand through it all? When they lower him into the ground, is that it? Does it really become real then? Or does it become real when I pick up the phone to call him and realize that he won’t answer, that he can’t answer? What happens when it’s two o’clock in the morning and I’m screaming at him for leaving me behind? When I’m sobbing into my pillow with no one to comfort me? What do I do then? Just brush myself off and get a grip? Wait for time to slowly heal my wounds that will never fully heal?
It’s only the first day. How am I supposed to live now? It’s the first day without him here and I want him back. I love him. I miss him. I need him. It’s only the first day.
Moving on, that’s what I have to do. I can do this, it can’t be that hard. Millions of people do it every day, right? I can do it too. Just have to get through the first day, then the first week, the first month, the first year. Then it should get better right? I mean a year isn’t too long, I’d known him for two years. In two years would I be better? What difference can a year make? It has to get better, this will go into the recesses of my mind and it won’t be so all consuming in a year. A whole year without him though. What did I use to do before he came along? What am I going to do now? Everything is going to be so different with him gone. It’s only the first day without him and I miss him, so much.
The funeral will be in a few days, how will I feel then? Looking at him sleeping in a casket. Will I be relieved that he’s finally in a better place? Will I think about all the good times we had? Or will I be in pain, wishing he was here to hold my hand through it all? When they lower him into the ground, is that it? Does it really become real then? Or does it become real when I pick up the phone to call him and realize that he won’t answer, that he can’t answer? What happens when it’s two o’clock in the morning and I’m screaming at him for leaving me behind? When I’m sobbing into my pillow with no one to comfort me? What do I do then? Just brush myself off and get a grip? Wait for time to slowly heal my wounds that will never fully heal?
It’s only the first day. How am I supposed to live now? It’s the first day without him here and I want him back. I love him. I miss him. I need him. It’s only the first day.