Hurt Beneath My Skin
hopeless and lonely
"Alright my dears, remember! Buddy system when going to the bathroom, don't disappear to where we can't see you, and don't talk to strangers!" The attendant hollered over us as the addicts and other socially unacceptable mistakes ran off the bus, eager to feel the sand of the beach between our toes. I was sulking in the back, reluctant to leave. There were so many opportunities for me to kill myself... didn't they know that?
"Rae honey, come along! We can't have stragglers!" She chirped at me, grinning like an idiot. Rolling my eyes, I got up and shuffled towards the door, making sure to wrap my sweater tightly around myself. If anyone else wanted to look at my scars, they would have to peel the cotton from my fucking hands. "Good girl. I'm sure the sun will do you some good," She continued to comment as I made my off the bus and into the open beach. Already, there were groups of other fucked up rejects scattered along the coast. Some where swimming, others were looking around for a familiar lurking figure, some where actually playing in the sand.
Pathetic.
"Rae-rae!" Came the shout of Brian, who was standing by the edge of the water. I turned from the nurse and scowled. I didn't want to be around anyone, but if I had to be with someone, it might as well be with Brian. "Rae, get your ass over here!" He shouted again, waving me over. I rolled my eyes, crossed my arms over my chest and made my way over to where he was standing. Turns out he was standing by a tide-pool, and he held something in his hand. "Look what I found!" He crowed, sounding like a five year old as he lowered his hands and let me peer in the cup of his hand.
It was a small crab; not a hermit crab, but a legitimate crab. Probably a few weeks old or something. Normally I would be all over it, but today just wasn't a good day. "Ew, Brian. Get it away from me," I replied, pushing his hand away. "But, Rae I want you to see it," "I saw it, Bry... now get it away from me before I toss it into a pot and eat it." He frowned, and let the little guy go back into the tide pool. "You're not in a good mood today, are you." I resisted the urge to scowl.
"No, I'm in an awful mood. Why? Is it really that obvious?" I ask, sarcasm dripping from my voice. Brian simply nodded, and returned his attention to the tide pool, where the crab was. Whatever. I didn't need this. "Fine. I'm going back to the bus." I growled and stomped away from him. He was my best friend! He was supposed to be helping me, not hindering me with his stupid smiles or stupid emotions or stupid remarks. 'Brian Haner is stupid,' I mentally declared as I shouldered past the attendant and sat in the very back row.
"Wake me up when we're ready to leave." I told the attendant as I curled up on the seat and got comfortable. I wasn't going to let anyone ruin my fun, even if my fun was sleeping in the back of the bus.
"Rae, wake up!" I swatted at the hand pushing my shoulder, growling a non-verbal warning to whoever it was. "Rae, don't you growl at me. I'll pick you up if you don't move your hood." I sighed - loudly - and threw my hood back, surprised when I realized that it was now turning to dusk. I looked at the guy standing there and frowned. It was Brian.
"Move over." I scooted closer to the window and he sat down beside me. No one else was on the bus, and it was just us. Only now I realized that he smelt faintly of cinnamon, we were sitting so close. "Why didn't you come back when I called you?" Brian asked me, taking my hand and tracing the small set of scars on the top of it. I pulled my hand away. "I didn't hear you."
There was a pause, and Brian grabbed my hand again and held it, his long fingers intertwining with mine. "The attendant said you were sulking. Did I piss you off?" Brian was so oblivious sometimes. "No, you didn't." I admitted. "I'm just ... I don't want to be around people, Brian. I hate people, I hate society." I sighed. We had conversations like this all the time back at the hospital, so he shouldn't be surprised. "You're putting those old walls back up, Rae." He reminded me, giving my hand a squeeze.
I shrugged, and looked out the window. They were putting a bonfire together, by the look of things. "I don't care. I'm not going to be around her much longer anyways." I murmured. I felt the weight of his head fall into my shoulder, and I looked down slightly, smiling even if I wanted nothing to do with him right now. "Don't say that, Rae. We gotta stick together." He replied, now resting his chin on my shoulder. "Why? Why do I have to stay here in this pitiful fucking misery?" I asked him, shaking my head.
"Because I'm here, that's why." I laughed emotionlessly. "Yeah, that's right. The pain-in-my-ass, my best friend." I turned my head, our noses touching. I was thankful that there were no attendants close by- we would be separated faster than oil and water.
Brian smiled, and kissed me lightly.
Then he was gone. Standing up in the aisle as if he had been there the whole time. An attendant was knocking on the other side of the bus, waving at us. I shook my head from the daze that settled, looking up at him with a mixture of a curious look and a scowl. If there was any extra light, I knew for a fact that the kiss made me blush. "C'mon Rae-rae, let's go sing 'Kumbaya' by the bonfire. Maybe one of the secret Pyro's will make an appearance." He held his hand out to me, and with ease I took it and followed him out from the bus.
The rest of the night left me quiet, though. Had Brian really kissed me? Did I imagine it? Did he feel something more than friendship towards me? Was I missing all the fucking signals he was sending?
Well.... fuck.
"Rae honey, come along! We can't have stragglers!" She chirped at me, grinning like an idiot. Rolling my eyes, I got up and shuffled towards the door, making sure to wrap my sweater tightly around myself. If anyone else wanted to look at my scars, they would have to peel the cotton from my fucking hands. "Good girl. I'm sure the sun will do you some good," She continued to comment as I made my off the bus and into the open beach. Already, there were groups of other fucked up rejects scattered along the coast. Some where swimming, others were looking around for a familiar lurking figure, some where actually playing in the sand.
Pathetic.
"Rae-rae!" Came the shout of Brian, who was standing by the edge of the water. I turned from the nurse and scowled. I didn't want to be around anyone, but if I had to be with someone, it might as well be with Brian. "Rae, get your ass over here!" He shouted again, waving me over. I rolled my eyes, crossed my arms over my chest and made my way over to where he was standing. Turns out he was standing by a tide-pool, and he held something in his hand. "Look what I found!" He crowed, sounding like a five year old as he lowered his hands and let me peer in the cup of his hand.
It was a small crab; not a hermit crab, but a legitimate crab. Probably a few weeks old or something. Normally I would be all over it, but today just wasn't a good day. "Ew, Brian. Get it away from me," I replied, pushing his hand away. "But, Rae I want you to see it," "I saw it, Bry... now get it away from me before I toss it into a pot and eat it." He frowned, and let the little guy go back into the tide pool. "You're not in a good mood today, are you." I resisted the urge to scowl.
"No, I'm in an awful mood. Why? Is it really that obvious?" I ask, sarcasm dripping from my voice. Brian simply nodded, and returned his attention to the tide pool, where the crab was. Whatever. I didn't need this. "Fine. I'm going back to the bus." I growled and stomped away from him. He was my best friend! He was supposed to be helping me, not hindering me with his stupid smiles or stupid emotions or stupid remarks. 'Brian Haner is stupid,' I mentally declared as I shouldered past the attendant and sat in the very back row.
"Wake me up when we're ready to leave." I told the attendant as I curled up on the seat and got comfortable. I wasn't going to let anyone ruin my fun, even if my fun was sleeping in the back of the bus.
"Rae, wake up!" I swatted at the hand pushing my shoulder, growling a non-verbal warning to whoever it was. "Rae, don't you growl at me. I'll pick you up if you don't move your hood." I sighed - loudly - and threw my hood back, surprised when I realized that it was now turning to dusk. I looked at the guy standing there and frowned. It was Brian.
"Move over." I scooted closer to the window and he sat down beside me. No one else was on the bus, and it was just us. Only now I realized that he smelt faintly of cinnamon, we were sitting so close. "Why didn't you come back when I called you?" Brian asked me, taking my hand and tracing the small set of scars on the top of it. I pulled my hand away. "I didn't hear you."
There was a pause, and Brian grabbed my hand again and held it, his long fingers intertwining with mine. "The attendant said you were sulking. Did I piss you off?" Brian was so oblivious sometimes. "No, you didn't." I admitted. "I'm just ... I don't want to be around people, Brian. I hate people, I hate society." I sighed. We had conversations like this all the time back at the hospital, so he shouldn't be surprised. "You're putting those old walls back up, Rae." He reminded me, giving my hand a squeeze.
I shrugged, and looked out the window. They were putting a bonfire together, by the look of things. "I don't care. I'm not going to be around her much longer anyways." I murmured. I felt the weight of his head fall into my shoulder, and I looked down slightly, smiling even if I wanted nothing to do with him right now. "Don't say that, Rae. We gotta stick together." He replied, now resting his chin on my shoulder. "Why? Why do I have to stay here in this pitiful fucking misery?" I asked him, shaking my head.
"Because I'm here, that's why." I laughed emotionlessly. "Yeah, that's right. The pain-in-my-ass, my best friend." I turned my head, our noses touching. I was thankful that there were no attendants close by- we would be separated faster than oil and water.
Brian smiled, and kissed me lightly.
Then he was gone. Standing up in the aisle as if he had been there the whole time. An attendant was knocking on the other side of the bus, waving at us. I shook my head from the daze that settled, looking up at him with a mixture of a curious look and a scowl. If there was any extra light, I knew for a fact that the kiss made me blush. "C'mon Rae-rae, let's go sing 'Kumbaya' by the bonfire. Maybe one of the secret Pyro's will make an appearance." He held his hand out to me, and with ease I took it and followed him out from the bus.
The rest of the night left me quiet, though. Had Brian really kissed me? Did I imagine it? Did he feel something more than friendship towards me? Was I missing all the fucking signals he was sending?
Well.... fuck.