50 Reasons Why

The illness didn't start as Alex would have thought it might of. He hadn't’t had the easiest childhood, but it was fairly average, and he couldn’t deny that he had once come off as a cheerful bloke who wore a proud and happy smile when in the presence of others, but it was the factor of being alone that started to get to him. The cheery façade he wore slid off to a neutral expression, the silence of being left alone allowed his thoughts to wander, his mind swirling and heart thumping, always reminding him of the emptiness he would feel. The constant memory of what it felt like to have no one appearing again and again in his own private theatre and his trips outside began reducing slowly, less and less trips each week until they had come to a complete stop, the energy escaping the brunet, though he didn’t get away with it. He had received many calls and visits from his friends, but none convinced or changed him of his lifestyle. Everything surrounding Alex, his family, friends, work, music – they were all dissolving into nothing, and before he knew it, he had pills being shoved at him and a piece of paper telling him he was depressed. There was no way Alex would ever tell anyone of his depression; it was like a personal detail for only him to ponder upon. It wasn’t like he could introduce himself as ‘Alex Gaskarth, a guy who happens to have depression’ just as someone might do if they were an Aquarius or played basketball. Of course, for Alex, never telling anyone excludes his best friend, Jack.

Weeks and weeks dragged on, and Alex would always wake to a gentle whisper of his name setting down a warm coffee and jingling keys before going over to discuss how he had been. There was nothing Alex was more grateful for in life than Jack, but there was also nothing Alex hated more than jack.
Alex didn’t hate him in an odious way, but an envious one. He watched as Jack got on with his life, made more friends, went out, got a career, started a relationship– Alex was watching as everything he wanted to be became Jack. What was worse than that was he knew he was watching Jack prepare for his life without Alex, and that was incredibly hard for the older boy, seeing as the only part of his day that kept him alive was Jacks involvement. He knew the raven haired mans visits would eventually cease being daily, and might stop completely; Jack would get tired of Alex’s depressive behaviour, just as the others did. Alex was dreading that day, and the intense feelings he was harbouring upon the younger boy made Alex feel as though nothing could matter more than Jack, but alas, Jack had a relationship of his own, and Alex could never think of dragging Jacks beauty down with his own selfish problems.

Alex would think about all this from the comfort of his bed, wrapped in two blankets and a colourful knitted scarf he had once received from a relative, waiting for the arrival of Jack, but it was unsettling for Alex when one day, Jack didn’t come. Alex had never been more anxious in his life, constantly worrying over what could have prevented him for his daily visit, mind wandering from horrific car crash to spontaneous trip with his girlfriend, Holly, and sometimes Alex thought that maybe Jack had just forgotten him. All these thoughts were proved wrong when the day after Jack returned, coffee in hands and body wrapped up in multiple layers of cold, cheeks rosy from the cold.

“Sorry I didn’t make it yesterday, Lex, I got snowed in. I tried to call but no service,” He had said, and Alex’s reply had been a soft, “Oh,” the facts clicking into place and allowing the excuse to make sense. It was a great relief though, a lot of doubt and anxiety had been lifted off his shoulders at the dark haired mans words, but the following twisted his gut.

“Holly and I broke up though, while we were snowed in. She told me I spent too much time with you, that bitch. She’s the one moving out, thank god. I don’t think I would have coped finding an apartment during this weather.” Alex’s fault, it was Alex’s fault that Jack wasn’t happy with his girlfriend anymore. It was amazing that even when he wasn’t present, he still managed to ruin lives.

“I-im so sorry, Jack,” He had sympathised, hatred towards himself swirling in his veins. He needed to be rid of himself, needed to take a weight off Jacks life. Alex needed to die. After all, Jack was the biggest reason for his life to continue, so if his death was for him, that would be appropriate, and Jack would be thankful. Maybe he would sometimes even take time out of his life to visit Alex’s grave.

Alex spent the next week planning out his death, how he would go about it and the note he would leave to Jack. He planned it thoroughly, sketching ideas and drafting notes, making sure to get rid of all evidence of what he was going to do. The next time Alex saw Jack, he yelled at him. He made Jack not want to see him again, made him sure that his apartment would remain untouched while he underwent his ‘mission’. He wanted to make Jack angry at Alex, but not make him hate the older. Alex just wanted Jack out for a couple of weeks as he mentally prepared himself.

“Why is it, day after day, you keep coming back Jack? Why can’t you just leave me alone?” Alex had began, palms sweaty and head full of doubt and fear of hurting jack.

“I can’t just leave you to your own devices Alex!” He had defended, but it surprisingly had hurt Alex more than it did Jack.

“So what you’re saying is, the only reason you visit me each day is to make sure I haven’t done anything? You visit only because you don’t trust me? You don’t visit because we’re best fucking friends?”

“No Alex...that’s not what I meant –“

“Sure it wasn’t Jack. You know, why don’t you just leave me alone for real, okay? Make your way out of my apartment and don’t come back. Dont check up on me, don’tmake sure, just trust that I am capable of looking after myself.” Alex didn’t mean this, the only part of his day that he looked forward to were Jacks visits, and even if the meant only making sure Alex wasn’t dead rather than Jack wanting to hang around, it still meant a lot to the brunet.

“Okay.” Jack had said, a simple answer to Alex’s short rant, before following his wishes and leaving, shutting the door softly behind him.
Alex thought that this had been enough, he had began counting down the days until he would be free from life, but the day after next sought Jack back into his life. It wasn’t completely Jack, rather just what he had left behind, stuck neatly on Alex’s fridge – a crisp yellow post it note.

Reasons to not kill yourself,
#1/#50
the beauty of music.
You have to stick around to create more.

Alex’s heart clenched up, emotions rising high inside him. It could have only been Jack. Disposing of the sticky note, Alex continued on in the kitchen, shaking as he came across another note, stuck crookedly against his coffee mug,

#2
colours,
They’re everywhere,
always and forever
Will they be with you

That was how it had started. The endless sticky notes Alex began finding all over his house, all with giving reasons against Alex’s upcoming suicide. Some were longer, sweeter than others, but others were rough and straight to the point, like #10 which was located in Alex’s shower stating ’Sex.’
He got through to twenty, the reasons getting more and more romantic as he found each, ranging from cuddles to coffee in the morning and Alex could feel his affection for Jack growing and maturing in the confines of his stomach, the butterflies and hummingbirds persistently flipping and swooping. Ironically, the post it notes made it even more clear as to why Alex had to go. This was how much effort Jack had put into helping Alex when he needn’t help Alex at all, and what the younger boy planned was just making Alex’s feelings blossom for him further.

The affection grew stronger and stronger as Alex checked over his house, finding notes under the sink and on the stove, behind the curtains and in the bath – all with cute little reasons on them. He spent his entire day like that, going back and forth between rooms collecting notes with a huge smile on his face. To be honest, Alex couldn’t remember a day where he’d smiled so much.
The notes he collected weren’t in order, and they ranged from one to forty-nine, but he never found the fiftieth on that day, even after checking every place in the house. Alex had gone over all the notes, but it definitely wasn’t among them, so he sat down on his rickety couch, pondering the contents of that last note, wondering where it was Jack could have put it that was so difficult to find, or whether he had taken it to Alex’s apartment at all.

This question, however, was answered the day after, when Alex had heard a knock from his place curled up amongst the sheets after a sleepless night. The knocking belonged to Jack, and Alex was surprised to see the skunk-haired man at his house at all, thinking back to the horrible things he had said three days previous. He also remembered the notes though, the sweet, cute little things Jack had written in attempt to change Alex’s mind.
The shock must have been written on Alex’s features, because Jack raised his brow, an anxious look spreading across his face.

“Did you find the notes?” he asked, words slow and voice gravelly, as though he had not spoken in a while. Jack must have realised, because he stood up a little straighter and cleared his throat loudly.

“Uh yeah... um come in,” Alex offered, feeling obliged to be as nice as possible after the effort Jack had gone to only to be let down in a few days time. Jack didn’t know this yet, but he’ll realise soon enough.
Jack stepped through the door awkwardly, lanky figure passing by Alex and into the living room, seating himself on the couch. Alex smirked.

“Have a seat Jack,” He teased, and Jack smiled at him, some of the tension visibly leaving him at Alex’s joking tone.

“Listen Jack, I want to apologise about the other day...” Alex started eyes finding their way to his grotty floor. “I just needed some space, I think, for... you know...” He took that moment to look up, searching for understanding in his best friend’s eyes. There was none.

“You wanted me out so you could kill yourself.” Jack whispered, words harsh and quick, as though he were disgusted to say them, “Alex, did you even read the fiftieth note? I thought I made it clear as to why you couldn’t do that! You mean so much Alex, I thought you’d at least care about my emotions.”

“Actually Jack, I uh, never found the fiftieth note. I couldn’t find it. I checked everywhere, I promise,” This made Jack look up, eyes amused and yet angry.

“So you don’t know...” Jack said, causing Alex to frown. What didn’t Alex know?

“Listen, ‘Lex, I gotta run, but check your favourite jackets top pocket, okay?” with that, Jack was gone, almost sprinting out the door and away from Alex. He suspected Jack didn’t want to spend any more time with him then necessary, so had left as soon as possible.

Not ignoring what Jack said, Alex made his way to his room, sifting through the dirty clothes that decorated his floor until he found his large gray jumper, worn in from being worn so often and edges frayed and picked at. He dug his hand into the pocket, soft flesh meeting crinkled paper. He pulled it out gently, reading the content with great anticipation.

#50
Alexander Gaskarth,
I love you more than anyone,
I love you in every way,
and I will love you forever and always,
So please.
Please don’t.

If it were true or not, Alex didn’t care, rushed emotions flooding him as he pulled on the jumper, reaching into his closet and pulling out a pair of worn black converses. He ran his fingers through his hair and petted it down, hoping he didn’t look like a depressed boy who barely ever left the house. He picked up the keys and ran, out the door and down the complex stairs, two at a time. By the bottom, Alex was regretting it, seeing as he was now majorly out of breath and a little sweaty. He hopped in his car, igniting it and tapping his fingers impatiently against the steering wheel the whole ten minutes to Jacks. Honestly, Alex didn’t know if Jack stilled lived there or not, and he was beginning to second guess himself as he left his vehicle and jogged over to the door. Even if he was a hundred percent sure it was Jacks, there would still be hesitance. Now that he there, he was questioning everything.

Was Jack lying?
Did he mean it in a – god forbid - friendly way? Like bro’s?
Was he over the feeling?
Was he just trying to string Alex along?

But what if it was true? What if because of his doubts, he missed out on the feeling of Jack, pressed up against him, spending every available minute with him? He couldn’t risk it, so shakily, he lifted a pale hand to the door and knocked once, twice and then three times. Jack opened it a few moments after, taking in Alex’s dishevelled state and public appearance. Jack couldn’t remember the last time Alex had willingly left his house without anyone pestering him.
“Jack, I love you too.”
It took a few moments for Jack to realise, for the words to sink in, but when they did, he respectfully did what anyone else would have done and leaned down to the elder, lips ghosting Alex’s in slight hesitation, before pressing them fully against Alex. It was perfect, something you’d see in a romantic movie and Alex just couldn’t get enough, only pulling away from Jacks deadly lips to get a gasp of air, panting heavily as Jack repeated the same thing kissing Alex’s face all over in light presses. “I love you, I love you, I love you-“
Alex had never felt happier.