Teacher. Lover. Maniac.

You managed to find a bus route home, asking almost every bus driver that had passed, feeling hopeless and confused, lost like a small child searching for their parents in a shopping mall.

When you reached home at last, cutting a large chunk of your day just finding your way home, you felt extremely exhausted and decided to crash on the couch. However there were other means for you waiting at home. When you opened the door you cursed to yourself. Your mother stood beside the couch, back towards you and you could tell she was upset as her arms folded across on her chest, loosely holding a glass of red wine.

She turned slowly and smiled at you meekly, not only was she upset, she was also tipsy, which you rolled your eyes in response that what might happen. You proceeded to go to your room, you definitely didn’t feel like doing this right now, but she called you back. “So tell me...” her voice was husky from the wine as she smiled with bitterness, the same bitterness of the wine. “Who’s Lover boy?” You shook your head at her question and shrugged. “Not telling” you said simply, spinning on your heels and restarting your journey to your destination, but you stopped in mid tracks. You gritted your teeth and reproached her, she raised her eyebrows and played her tongue in her mouth. “And I’m never gonna tell, no matter what you offer me, because I owe you nothing” you hissed.

She chuckled and took another long gulp, you cringed in disgust, not because of her drunkenness, but what she’d become.

You entered your bedroom and collapsed on top of your bed, feeling the world spin away from your conscious mind, you closed your eyes and began dreaming. Your breathing was steady and deep as your mind had reached for the bad memories to think about and it didn’t matter if you wanted it or not, you had dreamt about what you had done today.

He stood in the darkness, light emitting from somewhere, making his eyes turn an almost ghostly white as he looked in the direction. You approached him, but each step you took, he became farther and farther. Your eyes began to taint with tears and your legs grew weak, falling to your knees, begging for it to end. ‘please, please, please... I’ll do anything...’ You lay on the darkness, feeling yourself become empty as you knew it was the end. But a warm presence had settled along your back, hot breath had come close to your ear as it whispered ‘Anything...?’ you nodded in desperation.

Suddenly, you felt the hard grasp of rough hands groping your body harshly, you looked to see it was him. You didn’t understand anything anymore, he rocked into you roughly, no warning and you gasped in pain. You bit your knuckle to try and ease it, but the pain became worse and worse as he continued.

You awoke, feeling the vivid pain, sweat was seeping on your forehead. You felt the pain in your abdomen. Ah yes, the death inside you. You hopped off your bed and opened a window, it was nearing midnight and when you returned to your bed, you couldn’t get back to sleep. What you had dreamt about, genuinely frightened you. You felt your body shake as you lay in bed. you were encased in a cocoon of fear, depression and pain.

All you could do now was wait until morning came.

---

Another school day that was all it was. Just another English class, that’s all. You wanted so hard to convince yourself that you could just cut the feeling off, but it was like cutting a main artery off.

When you arrived at school, only Nigel had greeted you, you guessed that Casey was sick or was doing some time on trying to catch up with an assignment. You thought nothing of it. When it came to the time of truth, you really wish you had Casey with you. Not that Nigel wasn’t good company, it was just that, Casey helped you with so much and you needed her more than ever.

When you entered the classroom, you didn’t give Mr. Hiddleston a single look, but you could feel his eyes burning on you. Throughout the whole class you managed not to catch his eye and that made you feel a bit easier, but you felt more awkward than ever. You sensed Nigel’s unawareness to the situation, you hadn’t bothered talking to him about it, you thought that it didn’t much matter with him, but Casey. You needed to talk with Casey. You slipped your phone under your desk and texted her. Surely she would reply within minutes if not seconds as she was usually on it if not talking to you guys.

---

Alas the period ended and you still hadn’t had a reply. You thought she really must have been busy if she didn’t touch her phone when you messaged her.

In your next period, the pain had returned and you asked if you could go to sick bay. The teacher had asked why, you panicked a little but thanked to yourself that you could still give the response of menstruation pain, and they let you off.

You rolled and hurtled in the medical bed as the pain throbbed, feeling like your were in the movie Prometheus with that thing trying to escape her body. Yeah, you only wish you could take it out, but you still had to wait a week and a half or less. You cringed and moaned and hissed in pain as it went on for a little more than you’d liked.

Finally when it stopped, you could here the office ladies talking discreetly, then suddenly a gasp had broken the quiet air. You lay still to listen and heard the words travel to your room “Casey” and “Car Crash”. Your world came crashing as you thought the worst. You sat up straight away and quietly paced to the door of the sick bay. You tried to listen with more precision. “Yeah, last I heard was that she was driving home yesterday when another car had collided with hers head on. A Porsche or so... they said that the driver was some the son and second manager to this big company.” You heard the condolences of the other secretary as they gossiped. You felt your head slip into a vertigo. Your heart pounded in your ears and your breath became shallow and sharp.

You slipped out and explained that you had to leave straight away to the ladies. You headed to your locker to gather your things. When you closed it, you spun around and hurled into a body. You both stumbled slightly and when you looked up, it was Tom. Oh boy. He opened his mouth to say something but you shuffled off and around him and quickly made your way down “Sorry, I gotta go” You could still feel his stare on you even when you were out of the building.

---

When you were walking down a street close to the school, you tried to remember Casey’s brother’s number but all of them jumbled as you tried to remember how the digits went. You hurled your phone away in anger and dropped on the curb. You sat there with your head in your hands and tears spilling from the corner of your eyes. “Please be ok Casey... Please...” You sobbed. Just in that moment, a car had screeched to a stop and you looked up. Tom opened the door to the passenger side from within and looked at you with urgency. You didn’t hesitate and hopped in.

You made your way to the hospital quite quickly, going to the front desk in a sprint almost and pleaded to the clerk of Casey’s name. They let you through but warned you of something but you didn’t bother listening. You only hoped that she was ok, that she didn’t have memory loss or something, or that she wasn’t a paraplegic. All these things raced through your mind as you raced down the hall, following the nurses directions. When you entered the room, Peter was there, sitting in a small chair on edge, holding Casey’s limp hand. There were no machines attached to her, no monitors indicating if she was alive or not. She just laid there.

Peter looked up, you knew exactly what was wrong as his eyes were red and teary. He winced to the fresh pain of loss and returned his forehead to her cold hand. Your stomach was replaced with a hard hollow object. The air in your lungs was stuck and you felt your eyes burn, and your mind went flat line.

You approached her bed, stroking her forehead, tracing over her freckles. God, those freckles that would move with her smile. You smiled at the thought of Casey’s freckles, you smiled at her moments, at her sarcastic remarks, but then you caved in at the feature before you. Casey was usually so alive with all these things that you couldn’t even think of, and now she was dead. Limp, a cold slab of meat.

---

After a long hour of mourning her, Peter had spoke quietly, softly with so much damage in his voice, “Mom said that she wants a subtle funeral, this Saturday...” and with that he left. You stood there, still overwhelmed that your best friend was gone. Just... Gone. Did Nigel know yet? You weren’t sure how to tell him, if you could tell him. But it would be a lot worse to find out from someone else.

You turned around to see Tom standing there, he glanced at you with desperate eyes and you tried to smile, but it twisted into a frown and you began to cry again. You couldn’t do this. You didn’t want to do this. It wasn’t fair, it wasn’t fair. You felt if should’ve been you. She had done so much for you, for everyone and yet there she was. You felt your legs grow weak, but you also felt that Tom had swept you up and carried you to a chair, sitting you down and crouched in front of you. He had wiped the tears off your face and tried to smile behind his own.

He sat in the chair next to yours and curled his arm around your shoulders, leaning your head into his chest and his lips upon your forehead. You stayed like for a long time, felt your head spin into nothingness, feeling helpless as everything you loved was being taken away from you. Even now, you weren’t prepared to let Tom go just yet. You needed him, you felt so... hopeless without him.

You heard a familiar voice calling your name and when you looked up, you saw Michael pacing towards you. Tom had unhinged himself slowly as the man approached. “Hey...” He looked over to Tom and his smile almost faded “Who’s this?” You looked over to Tom, his eyes were questionable, you didn’t know what to call him, you thought of confessing ‘this is my English teaching whom I have been screwing behind everyone’s back and I can’t seem to let him go’, but you knew this wasn’t a solution so you said simply ‘My English teacher.” Michael nodded with confusion.

You noticed that he had a cast and a few scars about him, and that’s when it struck you. The son of a big boss and head manager of some business. He had started talking but nothing processed as you stared from him to Casey. You didn’t want to believe, but you did want to, you wanted someone to blame, and he seemed pretty legible. When you returned your attention to him you finally heard what he was saying “This crazy bitch headed straight into my Porsche... Well, I’m lucky to be alive right?” He looked to you from Casey and smiled innocently. You felt a large lump in your throat, restricting your from getting any air to your head before you exploded.

"You!” you yelled out to him and stood up, hissing in his face “You spoilt, self dilluded Idiot!” He jumped back at your sudden outburst. “What the fuck is wrong with you! You’re no better than that fucking dyke.” The anger scolded your insides as it spewed up out your throat “you—You!” You attempted to find the right word to describe him but nothing came to mind, but you continued anyhow “She’s my best friend, or at least was until you...” You tried to go on but you felt the hot tears burn your eyes again, so you just turned and buried your face in your hands and wept. He retreated his tense posture into a more diminishing stance and his face was smitten with shame and sadness. “I’m sorry... I—I” He tried but you couldn’t listen anymore.

Tom knew this and acted immediately, placing his arms around you and leading you away. He managed to find another hospital room, and set you down on the floor in a corner, and placed himself beside you. He leaned you into him and rubbed your arms. He knew not to say anything, he just was there, placing his lips serenely on your forehead and listened to your breathing.

---

After a long while there, he drove you home, you insisted that you would be fine alone, but he came in anyway. He promised to stay on the couch as you would sleep comfortable alone.

Before you knew it, you were dressed in black and ready to go to the funeral. Tom had stayed with you the whole time, and you were lucky enough that your mother hadn’t come home. Tom gave you a ride to the funeral and before you got out to join the large black mass, he wiped a tear away from your cheek. You tried to smile but it still came out broken. Her leaned over and pulled your chin to close the distance. He embraced your lips since a long time. His lips helped you stay calm, but your breath became a fluster, it was comforting, but still made you aware of the truth of the situation.

When he retreated to his seat, he raised his eyebrows in anticipation and you nodded, preparing yourself and exited.

The ceremony was depressing, to say the least, especially with her casket just waiting above the slab of dirt she was going to be rested in. You couldn’t bear the thought of her being stuck there forever, and the more looked at it, the more you tried to fight the tears. When it had finally become enough, upon hearing all the speeches taking place, you couldn’t stop the tears falling and you rushed out of your seat and kept walking past dozens of other graves. The world felt so far away as you kept walking, watching all the names going passed as you tried to wipe away the sadness. You didn’t stop when you felt the heavy steps of a running body near you. It was Peter.

He placed his hands gently on your shoulders before pulling you into a tight, warm hung. “Hey... You there.” He whispered, muffled as his mouth pressed in the top of your head. You couldn’t handle it, he seemed too much like Casey, especially when he spoke, or comforted you. “You can’t leave me hanging, huh?” He rubbed your arms as Tom did in the hospital. There was numbness to your whole being. You didn’t want to believe she was gone. Though it did feel different, Nigel found out on other means and neither you have spoken to each other since the day you found out. You hadn’t seen her since Monday. But all this just felt so Surreal, it felt like a huge joke.

“Come on. You still owe her a speech, make her laugh.” He said, trying to joke, he knew as well as I that whenever we tried to talk her up, she would laugh, ridiculing us for loving her so much. This only triggered more sadness but a laugh had managed to escape your broken heart. You leaned away from him and wiped tears away that had created streams down your face. “Ok” you said feebly, sobbing.

You returned to the ceremony and they welcomed you to the stand. You looked to the casket, feeling the tears form, but looked away, hoping that would cease the feelings.

“Casey...” You struggled, stopping for a brief moment, but began again, gaining strength from her, from her memories. “Casey was always there. She was funny, smart, although she didn’t think it... But most of all, Casey was strong. She would never let me think I had failed, merely that I made a mistake and that I can move on from that, learn from it, live and love from it. She taught me to always chin up, to look hell in the eye and tell it to screw off.” You stopped for another moment. Feeling the overwhelming waves hurl you over again and again as it neared you to the edge of manic sadness. But you continued on because that’s what Casey would’ve done and wanted. “Casey wasn’t my just best friend, she wasn’t just some. Casey was my sister. Nothing could’ve torn us apart and nothing bonded us closer than equally bad grades and checking out guys.” You felt a little chipper as you started to remember all the good memories you shared with her. You felt a heavy weight lift from your chest as you continued on. “Casey was one of those people who thought of life as a big joke. A cruel joke or a funny joke, she lived it and went along. Always having the last laugh. The last laugh being that she won’t have to endure the cruelty of things such as...” You felt a lump form as you compared it to your relationship with Tom. You stopped for a moment, feeling that deep hopelessness enter your mind again, tears began to slip out and Peter had managed you back to your chair.

Before long, the ceremony was over and you stood by and watched as Casey was being buried. You close your eyes as the last piles of dirt had trapped her there forever. And after everyone had left, you still stood there with Peter. None of you moved since that after noon. The stars had appeared amongst the blackness of the sky through leaves of the trees. When you averted your eyes from the grave and looked up. You imagined Casey’s freckles and slightly smiled. There was something common about the vast space out there and inside your chest. You felt almost empty, but there was still shimmers of hope that could mould some form of happiness... of life.

You thought about this for a long moment and leaned on Peter’s shoulder. He in response, wrapped his large arm around your back and you stood in the cold like brother and sister.