Rescue Me

"Ah, fuck," Alex muttered as he dropped his pick right into the guitar.

He was seated on Jack's couch, using his empty home as a place to practice since his dad had a headache and had kindly asked, "Will you stop with that fucking music?!"

So after a sympathetic eye-roll from his mother, he had called his boyfriend, and asked if he could practice at his place. Jack sounded a little distracted on the phone considering he was at work, but told Alex the house was empty so he could do whatever he liked. Digging out the spare key from under the mat, Alex took that to mean he could make himself two cups of hot chocolate and eat five cookies while he learned the latest song he was going to teach to his class.

"Fuckin' balls and tits and piss," Alex muttered, voice thick with annoyance this time as the guitar pick fell into his lap, cracked right up the middle. "How did that even happen?"

Sighing, he got up to toss it in the trash. Maybe Jack had a pick lying around. He didn't play as often as Alex did, mainly because Alex taught a class part-time and Jack did not, but he still liked to break out his acoustic when he could. So, staying hopeful, Alex trotted up the stairs to his room in search. He didn't like to play without a pick, he hated callouses on his fingers and preferred them soft. Jack also probably would be appreciative of the rough skin when it came around to his next handjob either.

Alex found himself kneeling in front of Jack's bedside table, digging through the first drawer which was just filled with socks. The next drawer was stacked up with crumpled boxers, crammed in half-heartedly. He chuckled, shaking his head as he forced it shut and tried the last one.

It was a whole mess of stuff that made Alex laugh all the more as he pulled bits out in hope of there being a pick buried in the bottom. There was a box of condoms, unopened, and Alex wondered if they were still usable; Jack had probably bought them at aged sixteen 'just in case' and then found he couldn't get lucky ever. There was also lube, a little blue bottle, half-empty, and Alex smirked a little bit. Jack either really hated jerking himself dry or he'd been getting slightly more adventurous with his masturbatory sessions. There was also a USB stick, some charger cables, probably for his phone and a couple of hand-held game consoles, spare ear-buds, a pack of gum and some empty wrappers... nothing of much interest which Alex had to say he was a little disappointed over. And there were no fucking picks. Two music magazines were stashed in the bottom, and Alex tugged them out in case there was more underneath.

Nope.

A few bracelets, a battery. Crumbs. Absolutely fuck all. With a sigh, Alex started loading everything back in again, but something caught his eye when he lifted the magazines. A piece of crumpled, worn, folded paper fluttering out from between the pages. He plucked it free, curiosity niggling as he unfolded it.

owe Jeremy $130

owe $80
need $50, payday on the 11th

owe another $100

memo: price up by $20 per gram

memo: each gram in separate bag now

Alex was frowning as he read Jack's childish scrawl, a slight laugh leaving him. If he didn't know any better he'd think Jack was doing drugs. But he didn't know better. His best friend - his boyfriend - didn't take drugs. Never had, never would.

So Alex didn't really know why he found his breathing quicken a little, frown deepening. Worry got the better of him and he started looking under Jack's bed, beneath his sheets. He started pulling out the other two drawers, tipping underwear and socks all over the floor in front of him. And in the rain of paired socks, fell something else.

A bag, small and tied, filled with what looked like talcum powder to the more innocent eye.

But Alex knew better than that. Perhaps if he hadn't found the paper, he wouldn't be convinced, but he was almost certain he'd just found a bag of cocaine in his boyfriend's bedside table.

Blinking and shaking his head, he grabbed the magazines, shaking them in search of more pieces of paper, hopefully with stuff written on them that would prove Alex all wrong. He discovered another sheet, more crumpled and worn than the other, and he opened it up to look.

None of it made much sense to Alex. It was all addresses and streets, sketches of God knows what. There were names scribbled amongst the mess of addresses, none of which meant anything to Alex, but one name in particular jumped out at him. Jess Bowen. And the date written underneath, the day she was taken. The day Alex's entire world got turned upside down.

Alex was shaking, picking up the first piece of paper in his left hand, looking from one to the other. He didn't really know what it meant or why Jack had all this stuff written down but he had this horrible creeping feeling that a lot of shit had been going on behind his back.

/////

Alex had been sitting on the floor of Jack's room, surrounded by clutter, clutching the papers in his hands with the bag of fucking cocaine in his lap for twenty minutes, just breathing hard and thinking, when he heard the front door open downstairs.

He jumped, looking around the mess he'd created in alarm, until he heard Jack's voice. Okay. It was only him.

Only his boyfriend, who had a lot of fucking explaining to do.

"Lex? You in?" he called, and Alex heard the sound of his guitar being strummed downstairs. Jack called again, trotting up the stairs when he got no reply. "Alex? Are you in the bathroom? Lex...?"

"Your room," Alex shouted back to him, teeth clenched and voice shaking.

Jack came padding in, wearing his little bird-patterned socks that were really lame but really fucking cute, and Alex had to resist telling him so. He didn't think it'd make him feel sad to have to get angry with Jack.

"Do you mind explaining what the fuck all this is?" Alex spoke in a low tone, picking up the bag and standing to walk over to Jack.

Jack was frozen in place, mouth ajar and eyes practically popping out of his skull. He reminded Alex of a cartoon. A stuttered, croaky noise sounded in his throat but no words came.

"Well?!" Alex burst out, shoving the papers in his face to make him do something.

"I-- I-- how did-- what were you doing in here?" Jack almost whispered, trying to clear his throat. It felt like it was closing.

"I broke my guitar pick so I came looking for one because I hoped you'd have some, and instead I found this fucking shit," Alex dropped the items in Jack's hands, throwing his arms in the air. "What the hell, Jack?! What is all that?!"

Jack's head dropped forward, teeth sinking into his bottom lip and chewing on it harshly. He thought he could be clever and keep all this hidden, that nobody would ever find out. Everything was going to come crashing down because Alex needed a fucking pick.

"Jack, talk to me, right now," Alex said, voice low again, warning him. "What's in the bag? Who's Jeremy? Why do you have a bunch of girls' names written on that paper? Not even-- fucking, Jess' name written on that piece of paper! What is all that?"

Jack took a deep shaky breath, miraculously finding the courage to look his boyfriend in the eye. "Sit down with me, and just let me talk, okay?"

Alex had never heard the younger male sound so shaky or frightened in his whole life, not ever, and it stalled his anger and confusion long enough to shut him up and let him sit on Jack's bed, facing him with their legs crossed and the three items in question between them.

"Okay," Jack swallowed thickly, pushing the paper around with his forefinger. "Don't-- don't flip out on me. But-- that is cocaine, yeah. And it's mine. I'm not holding it for a friend or whatever. It's mine. Jeremy's a dealer, and that was just keeping track of how much I owed him."

Trembling, he held up the first piece of paper that Alex had found to clarify, placing it in his boyfriend's lap. Alex was dumbstruck to actually hear it aloud from Jack's mouth, picking it up and staring before his eyes wandered to the bag of white powder.

"You're-- you take drugs? You're addicted to cocaine?" he whispered, eyebrows knitting together, completely puzzled of how this could be. Surely, as Jack's boyfriend, he would have at least suspected something was wrong? He felt both absolutely furious and terrible that he hadn't realised sooner. "How long have you been-- how did that even happen?"

Jack let out a short quiet laugh at Alex's stumbled questions. "Nine months, I think... yeah, nine. I don't even... know, like, it was just... it was so stupid. I got offered it at a couple of parties when I was drunk and it seemed like fun, but the high was so good and I wanted more so I started talking to people, and, the guys I work with said they knew somebody they were tight with, that they could introduce me. And I said okay, because I didn't think... I just didn't think it'd be that big a deal. But I got hooked. A-and I was careful about it, because I knew that you and all our friends and my whole family, they'd be so fucking disappointed so I tried really hard to keep it a secret. It stressed me out so fucking much at first, I was so paranoid, but it started getting easier after a while. But, I guess, well, now you know, so..."

Alex stared at him, watching Jack let out a long breath as he plucked up the bag and then dropped it again.

"It always seemed worth it because it gave me such a buzz, and I never pictured myself to be fucking snorting coke, believe me, but... I don't really know how to explain it. It was just really exciting," he added, quieter this time, sounding regretful.

It made Alex hurt to think he'd been keeping this secret, but he still didn't know what to think, or whether to comfort him. Everything he'd known about Jack was spinning around in his head. What else did he lie about?

"Jack, that's..." he trailed off, clearing his throat. "That's a lot to take in. I'm... I'm fucking mad at you, y'know. You hid this from me? That you were taking drugs? Do you know how dangerous that is? I don't know what I would do if something happened to you! What would your fucking mom do if something happened to you?! You'd crush her, Jack."

He got up off the bed, shaking his head and tugging on his hair, before he crouched down and started tidying up all the things he'd tipped onto the floor. Just to keep his hands busy. Just for something else to focus on.

"I know, Alex," Jack sniffed, toying nervously with his fingers. He didn't want Alex to get worked up and mad at him but his lies were unraveling purely because he couldn't bear to keep the truth from Alex any longer. "I wanted to stop, I didn't want it to go on this long, I'd been buying off of Jeremy for a while when he started asking for more in return, he wanted more than just money, and I didn't know how to get out of it, I didn't want to keep doing drugs because it was scaring me by then, but sometimes they'd ask me to snort what I bought in front of them so I couldn't even throw it away afterwards, and it always made the job easier if I took it anyway, it didn't make me feel so scared or guilty, so I took it and--"

Alex stopped what he was doing, standing at the edge of the bed and placing his hands on Jack's shoulders to make him quit babbling before he got himself too worked up.

"Slow down," he told him quietly. "I don't understand what you're talking about. Who's... who's 'they'? The guys you work with? Why were they forcing you? What were they asking for? You have to tell me, Jack, I don't know... you're fucking scaring the hell outta me, okay? And tell me about this."

He stabbed at the second piece of paper with his forefinger, specifically at Jess' name scrawled onto the page.

Jack let out a long breath, rubbing his eyes as Alex took a step back from the bed, waiting.

And that's when it all came out. Jack unraveled his web of lies with a shaky voice, staring at Alex's knees because he couldn't bear to look him in the eye. He stayed calm, surprising even himself. Alex was the opposite. He screamed, he shouted, threw his hands around enough to make Jack flinch, and he cried. He cried so fucking much, and Jack felt like he had a rock stuck in his throat the whole time, but still he stayed calm.

Jack's dealer was called Jeremy Davis, and the friends of his that Jack worked with were Taylor York and Chris Drew. When Jeremy had asked Jack for more than just money, he'd been asking for something even more illegal. After Jack had been buying the drugs for a while, Jeremy wanted Jack's help in a few stunts that he and his friends were planning to go ahead with. Nothing major, he had promised. As soon as Jack heard, he had refused, flat-out no. Remembering it gave him shivers, and it made him feel sick that he'd given in, that he'd even taken drugs in the first place and been naive enough to think it would be so easy to stop.

"In that case, I'll cut you off. You're not buying from me any more."

"I don't want them any more. I don't want anything from you if that's what I have to do to get it. Besides, I... I've been thinking about stopping for a while anyway. It's better this way. I don't want them."

Jeremy cocked his head, raising his eyebrows at the young male before him.

"You've been supplied by me for a little while now, Jack. You think it'll be so easy to cut yourself off? I'm only asking for a little favour in return," he said slowly, eyes widened and pleading. Despite his plans, he was so good at playing innocent with a cold, slow voice. "It's one thing to pay me for them but I go to a lot of trouble to get you your fix, Jack. So it would only be polite to help me out with a few things, yes? You'll still get your powder. Perhaps I'll even lower the price for you. Maybe for free if you do a really good job, but we'll see about that."

Jack was trembling, bottom lip shaking as he bit the inside of it to try and make it stop. He had fallen down a very dark rabbit hole and he was losing his sense of direction. No light. He didn't know the way out.

"You'd better do a good job for me anyway, because I know people in this city, Jack. People that could hurt you. People that could hurt those you love."

Jack had nodded solemnly and left clutching his fix in his sweating palm, struggling to push it into his pocket. He was bluffing. Jeremy wouldn't. Jack had been willing to bet he didn't even know 'people', but apparently he'd been talking about Taylor and Chris. Jack hadn't realised they were so involved with Jeremy.

Jack skipped out on his first task, skipped out on what was meant to be his first kidnap.

Jeremy called him to come over the next day. Jack was greeted by getting slammed up against the wall, courtesy of Chris, whose eyes were darker than the other boy had seen them before. Seeing the effects of what he took on the outside gave Jack shivers.

"I see you missed your first appointment," Jeremy said calmly, lightly pushing Chris away from him. He waved Chris and Taylor out of the room. His voice got much lower, much more chilling, once they were alone. "Jack, I know where you live. I know your family. I've seen where you go with your friends. I will not hesitate to cut throats over this, Barakat. You're helping."

The glint of a blade at the corner of his eye was enough to convince Jack he had no choice.

Alex sobbed into his hands for the whole story, crying for himself, for Jack. For the girls he'd assisted in stealing away from their normal lives. When it was over, he ran straight out of the house, stumbling in the street, scraping his hands as he made a bolt for his car.

His stomach lurched to think Jack would be chasing him, and he wondered if this is what it felt like to be Jess.

/////

It was dull outside. Darkened sky, a sharp wind. Not the perfect beach weather, but the perfect thinking weather.

The breeze that came in from the sea chilled Alex to the bone, numbing his brain and the thoughts circling inside as he made his way up the rocky path. It was a place he knew from childhood. He and Jack had come with their families one summer, when they were ten. Over the sand dunes with the jagged grass that made their feet hurt, they came across the base of a cliff, climbing it to the very top. They could see the whole beach to the right, their families like ants in the sand. To the left, more cliffs, a little smaller. It was impossible to climb those. Too rocky and unsafe. But this cliff, it had a path, and they stayed long enough to see a couple of people come by and take pictures of the sea out ahead. It seemed like a popular spot for tourists passing by. Despite getting the worst of the cold wind from up so high, the two of them adored it. The view was incredible. It was like the colours intesified; the sand was the warmest summer yellow, and the water far below such an inviting deep blue that it almost seemed logical to dive into it.

But it was far too high, and maybe rocky at the bottom. They might have been young but they were smart enough to not venture too near the edge, for fear of the wind changing direction and causing a fatal loss of balance.

Alex wasn't sure why he chose to come here. It was on a whim. He could remember how tranquil it felt. It gave him such a clear head. He needed that. He wanted the innocence of childhood, how easy it was. He wanted the innocent Jack he knew then too.

Alex had only been pacing around the space of the clifftop for twenty minutes, goosebumps like pebbles rising on his skin, when Jack found him there, having followed the older boy in his mom's car since she'd walked to work that day.

"Lex," he called over the wind, gaining his attention, and a blank expression. Jack swallowed, unable to tell if that was good or bad. Perhaps a mixture of both. Perhaps he was on the fence. He jogged a few steps closer, and Alex continued his pacing. "You didn't let me finish! Alex, I'm not doing business with the dealer any more. I got out of it. A few weeks ago, actually. I couldn't-- I couldn't keep doing it. I paid him a lot of money but I didn't buy anything, I just paid him to let me off the hook, and he did. He said he'd erase me, that it would be like I was never a part of it."

Alex didn't stop pacing. "What did you pay him with?"

"What?" Jack called, stepping closer.

"What did you pay him with?" Alex gritted out, throwing Jack a glare.

"Money? What do you mean? I..."

"You're a college student, Jack! You're not a fucking millionaire! You work a shitty paying job and it's not like your parents are rich! Did you take out a loan? Borrow money? Steal it? How did you fucking pay him?!"

"With the money my grandparents left me when they died," Jack answered calmly, shame evident in his voice. He only had his grandad left from his father's side. All three others had left Jack and his siblings quite a lot of money in their wills. "I used it to buy the drugs too. But I paid him off with the last of my share. And money that my parents have given me. Birthday and Christmas cash I had saved up for a long time... and the stuff in the jar I was gonna use to buy a car."

Alex paused and stared at him for a moment. He couldn't imagine how desperate Jack must have been to spend all of that on drugs, and how much more desperate to spend all of that to get him out of his fucked up situation. But he didn't say anything, simply shook his head and kept pacing.

"Alex, I'm sorry!" Jack pleaded helplessly, tears welling in his eyes. "I... It was only three girls, just three, there was the first girl and I was so scared, I didn't... I didn't really do anything, I was just on stand-by whilst the other guys did it so I would know for next time and then I took Jess because I was even more terrified of what would happen if I didn't, and he wanted me to do it again, after the hype about her died down, and I did it because I was fucking ill at the thought of you getting hurt, and-- and--"

Alex waved his arms to make him stop talking.

"Wait, wait, wait. Another... you helped kidnap a third girl whilst you were fucking dating me?!" he roared over the wind, finally losing it. "You fucking... how could you be so sick?! After everything I went through, and then you comforted me when really, it was you that caused the whole thing!"

"Alex, you have to understand, please, please, I was so scared, I didn't want my family, my fucking friends, everyone I loved to get hurt because of my stupid mess-up, please, I got in too deep, I was terrified," Jack begged him, sobbing despite the pain of the sea air whipping his tear-stained cheeks.

Alex just scoffed at him, turning away. Jack only shouted louder.

"Alex, please! They were all okay, he released all of the girls because he didn't want murder charges following him around if he could cover up his tracks without doing that, they're all safe back home now! Please!"

"Jack, what the fuck does he do to these girls? Kidnap them and hold them hostage for weeks on end and then just let them go for nothing?!"

Jack hung his head. Alex could see his lips moving but a gust of wind tore his voice out to sea. The older boy marched over, grabbing Jack's chin and wrenching his head up.

"I don't know," Jack mumbled, bottom lip trembling.

"You don't know," Alex repeated, mocking his expression.

"I don't. The very first girl, the one I skipped out on helping with, he didn't even keep her a whole night, and the next one I did help with was home again within the week. Then Jess for those seven weeks, then..."

"Then?!"

"Then the latest, her name's Cass, it was written on the paper, she has shoulder-length hair and white dyed into it, a-and he kept her for two weeks."

"For fuck's sake, Jack, can't you guess?! He probably rapes them! Over and over and over again! Fucking violates them, takes away every scrap of innocence they have, and for what? For some sick thrill because nobody else wants to fucking sleep with him? Because he's such a God damned fuck-up?!" Alex was screaming in Jack's face, breath hot in contrast to the wind slicing past them.

"I know that, Alex!" Jack yelled back, covering his face with his hands. Alex stepped back, face screwed up in disgust as he turned to face the water. Choppy waves, the anger bubbling inside Alex mirrored in the sea. "I can guess but I try not to! I hear him saying to the other guys he doesn't like to 'use' them more than once and Taylor, he's really buddy with him, he lets him have a go afterwards and it makes me fucking puke, Alex! But I had to pretend because if I didn't keep helping then they could've hurt my parents, or my brother and sister, or you! And I can't bear that! They never mentioned anything about fucking rape to me, just that they got taken and kept for however long and then they'd probably be let free again, so I turned a blind eye and now that I'm saying it out loud, I could fucking... I hate myself, Alex! I hate that I did it! It was only the drugs at first but I got in too deep! It's over now. I quit. I'm away from that scene, the girls are safe and sound and I'm going to stop. I'm not taking drugs any more. I'll do it for you."

Alex didn't care. He didn't care. Jack was totally different to him. Drugs, kidnapping teenage girls... it happened in television dramas and fast-paced movies. Not in real life. Not to Alex. Not to his Jack.

Jack was breathing hard, throat aching in the cold of the wind. Alex wouldn't look at him. And Jack needed Alex to fucking look at him. Storming over with the rage of a thousand lightening bolts, he grabbed Alex's arm, wrenching him around so they could face each other.

"I'm trying to change, I'm making a promise, Alex! Why won't you listen?!"

Alex turned and pushed him hard to make Jack let go, trying to swing at him, left fist clenched in his fury. Jack stepped back, and Alex missed. He didn't try again, but if he could just make Jack's jaw crack and see his nose gush blood... he'd be a calmer man for it.

Jack stared at him, wide-eyed and nervous at first. Alex wasn't violent, he just wasn't. But it was shaken off, frustration clouding Jack's features again as he paced restlessly at the edge of the cliff, keeping a careful not-too-close-not-too-far distance with his boyfriend.

And Alex wanted to believe him, that he would change, but what wouldn't change was the memory. The knowledge that he'd done these things in the past, that he'd once been this secretive, hiding all of his sins from the one person he was supposed to share everything with. It made Alex feel sick. And to know the men that had taken those poor girls were still running free, whether Jack was involved or not, gave Alex the most panic. It wasn't safe. It was all Jack's fault for getting mixed up in this in the first place, dragging Alex down into it. It was bound to happen whether he'd witnessed Jess get kidnapped or not.

"Alex, can't we just go home? Go home and talk about this, where it's warm?" Jack pleaded, still pacing. Alex could barely feel the cold. "I can make it better. You're overreacting, baby, come on."

At the attempt of sweet-talking him, Alex turned, fire in his eyes as he took one warning step towards Jack. Jack stepped back warily, holding his hands up in surrender. Water lapped the rock a hundred feet below, appearing calm until the occasional sudden hard wave crashed into it, angered by the wind and darkening weather.

"Okay, alright, I'm sorry, just... just listen, we can go home, talk it through, nice and calm," Jack corrected himself. He knew Alex wasn't overreacting, not by a long-shot, but he needed him to back down, to get on his side and put the whole thing behind them as quickly as possible. That was all Jack wanted. Alex scoffed again and shook his head, looking away. "Alex, would you just fucking listen?! Jesus Christ, you've always been so damn stubborn."

Jack fumed, pacing again when Alex wouldn't answer him.

A distracted man puts himself in dangerous situations.

"I mean, I'm trying to make this better! You're unbelievable. This could all disappear like that, just pretend it didn't happen! You've only known about it one day. It would be easy. Just don't think about it! I won't ever mention it, and we can go on like normal! You'd think you'd wanna make things less difficult for yourself that way, Alex."

Distraction of rage sent him a step too far, and Jack was over the cliff, inky waves gratefully opening their jaws to swallow him whole.