Rescue Me

"So Jack's not at yours today?" Danny asked as they made their way out of the supermarket, laden with bags.

Alex shook his head. "Nah, he's hanging with his siblings today, he called this morning and said they came over for dinner and stuff so he's gonna spend some time with them."

He'd run into their friend in the middle of food shopping, and of course Danny had been eager to see Alex -- he hadn't really had much contact with his friends since Jack got out of hospital. And Jack hadn't really felt up for anyone visiting him yet, even though everyone was desperate to see how he was doing. They were all pretty shell-shocked.

They stopped outside Danny's car and began loading their bags inside; Danny's in the trunk, Alex's in the back seat, since he had kindly been offered a ride home. Alex closed his door, waiting for Danny to finish packing his stuff.

Alex was in an idle daydream when he saw a confusing thing.

Jack, his boyfriend who had told him he'd be spending the day at home, was not in fact at home. He was out. He was right here, crossing the street with his head down, walking away from where Alex was stood. He frowned, blinking a few times just in case his vision was failing him. But it was Jack.

"Hey, uh, Danny, I gotta go do something, can you just drop my stuff off at my apartment? There's an emergency key in my hoodie in the car, just keep it."

Alex jogged away from his friend, leaving him somewhat puzzled, but an explanation was going to have to wait.

/////

Alex was back home an hour and a half later, having walked it. Danny had been a good friend and left all Alex's groceries in the kitchen of his tiny apartment, as well as his hoodie. But Alex was far too angry to send him a thank-you text right now.

He didn't even think angry quite covered it. Or furious, or enraged, or downright pissed off.

Alex didn't know what to call it, but he really wanted to throw Jack against a fucking wall and-- and--

And he didn't know what the end of that sentence was either. Alex actually felt strangely calm.

He'd never felt so apoplectic in his entire God damn life... but he was calm. He counted to ten, took a deep breath with closed eyes, and composed himself. Jack was meant to be coming over tomorrow to see Alex. The elder decided not to call him up and scream at him through the phone. No, that wouldn't do the situation justice. He could wait.

Slowly putting away the shopping so he had time to think about how he would address it, Alex counted to ten a couple more times.

He was going to deal with Jack tomorrow evening.

/////

Jack entered Alex's apartment the next day at five in the afternoon, carrying a bag full of Chinese food. Alex was on his feet and out of his room at the mouthwatering smell and the sound of the door, all smiles as his boyfriend set out their meal on the coffee table.

"Hi, babe!" he greeted warmly, going over and winding his arms around Jack's neck in a hug.

"Hello, Alex," Jack grinned back at him, slightly thrown off by the show of affection, but he welcomed it all the same. "I got your favourite! I hope you're hungry."

"Starved, Jack, absolutely starved," Alex nodded, sitting down and patting the space beside him. Jack dropped down on the sofa and grabbed a prawn cracker from the bag, crunching into it appreciatively. "You hungry too? What'cha been up to today, baby?"

"Mm, just sitting around the house," Jack spoke through his mouthful, watching Alex spoon honey rice onto plates with cutlery he'd set out on the table a half hour earlier, when Jack had called him from the Yang Sing.

"What about yesterday? What did you do with your family?" Alex asked, watching Jack from the corner of his eye. The casual question was his trap.

"Oh, just played some board games and stuff, since my siblings came over. We played Monopoly, it was so funny, May got so mad when she lost," Jack laughed, grabbing his plate and tucking in. "My mom is a terrible banker, but we always let her play that part, I do not know why. We're too kind to her. My baby cousin would be a better banker than her."

Alex chuckled along half-heartedly. Jack was lying to him. But he was being so believable that Alex almost wanted to let himself get sucked in, just take the easy road and pretend everything was fine. He couldn't though. It had all been going so well; Alex couldn't act like he knew otherwise.

So he put the television on and they kept eating in relative silence, with Jack occasionally making a comment -- "I could so win Takeshi's Castle, fucking easy money, don't these people think of wearing a protective cup?" -- and Alex giving a quiet fake laugh and then continuing to chew. At the end of the meal, Alex was actually considering putting off this confrontation until a later date because he was just so contently full of food; he didn't want to fight.

But if he put it off now then he might put it off forever and he had to know what was going on.

"Jack...?" he called, exiting the kitchen after throwing away their containers and putting the dishes in the sink.

Jack looked up from his spot on the sofa, stomach looking rounded under his shirt. Alex hated to shatter the happy couple illusion.

"Mind telling me what you were up to yesterday?"

"I did," Jack answered slowly, looking puzzled. "Me and my family played Monopoly... I told you I was having a night with them."

"Uh-huh. Did this night include going off alone to some sleazy bar to smoke with a bunch of dudes I've never met?"

Jack's eyes widened considerably, looking lost for words before he quickly smoothed over his expression. "I stayed in with my family, Alex."

Alex blinked at him, taken aback that he was sticking with his cover story. "You're lying to me!"

"I am not! How would you even know?!" Jack burst out, standing up from the couch.

"Because! I just told you everything I saw!" Alex yelled back. "I was grocery shopping with Danny yesterday and I fucking saw you walking down the street, so I followed you because I had no idea why you'd even be out, your mom would have a heart attack if she knew! And you went to a fucking bar and met up with these dudes and you just sat there and smoked like some forty-year-old bachelor who doesn't have a fucking care in the world! What were you doing there?!"

Jack sighed, running his hands through his hair. "I just needed a break. A walk. I get no privacy any more. My mom doesn't even let me close my bedroom door now. She sets a timer for me being in the fucking shower. If I'm not out in ten minutes, she gets my dad to come and hammer on the door and chase me out. And I love coming to your place but it's not the same as just clearing your head when you're alone! And that's just been taken away from me! So I started taking walks. That's all, Alex."

The brunette walked around in a small circle, trying to make sense of Jack's current thought process. He couldn't. "Do you know why your mom is paranoid? Because you slit your own fucking wrists, Jack! Look, I-- I get it, that it must be frustrating, but for crying out loud, she's your mother. Can't you understand she's worried about you? You point-blank refused any kind of therapist at all. She's totally shaken up, hell, we all are, Jack! I thought-- I thought things were going well! But, no, just. No. Of course I was stupid to think that it was all starting to get better."

"I couldn't get a therapist, Alex! If I did, then the truth would've come out, wouldn't it? The drugs and the kidnapping and everything! We agreed to put it behind us! I couldn't tell a therapist, I couldn't tell my family why I did it, because if I did, everything would just go to shit," he shook his head, sighing. "I know my mom's worried. I get it. But at the same time, I just wanted to be alone for a while and clear my head. Why is that bad? It is getting better, Alex! Things are going along great. I feel... I feel more at peace. We can move on."

"Are you-- are you out of your mind?" Alex asked slowly, staring at Jack as if he'd really gone completely insane, which didn't seem like it'd be too difficult at this point. "Don't you see why it's bad? You were smoking with all these fucking weirdos in a gross bar! What is that all about? You act like you're fine, like going cold turkey on the drugs was the best idea ever, but you are not fine! Jack, I know you weren't... you weren't as bad with the cocaine as you could've been. And I was proud of you for keeping your word and quitting it straight away, just like that. But you're suffering. You are. Fucking smoking? Really? You have nervous ticks, I don't know if you've noticed, but you sniff and rub your nose and tap your feet and you never did that before. You're just finding something else to focus your cravings on! Smoking isn't any better for you!"

"Alex, it's not a big deal, it's not like I do it every day, lots of people get high now and again just to--"

"Get... high?" Alex cut him off, voice low.

Jack paused, realising that Alex hadn't actually known he'd been smoking weed with those guys. Clearing his throat, he then swallowed, scuffing his feet on the floor. "Uh... yeah," he answered, not quite so confident.

"You were smoking weed? You were getting fucking high?"

"Yes."

There was a silence in the room, with Alex just looking and looking at his boyfriend as if he didn't recognise him. Just a stranger who'd said hello in a store or a restaurant and Alex was trying to remember his face. Then he spoke again, very slow, lips peeled back in a snarl.

"Where the fuck do you get weed?"

"Those guys at the bar. They were there the second time I went, and I got talking to them. They said I could sit at their table because I was alone, and they were smoking it, and they offered me some," Jack shrugged, trying to keep his cool. It still wasn't that big a deal. He could've been out doing worse. "After that they said I could just come to them if I ever wanted more. They know the owner, so they don't get thrown out for it. They hang there most nights, so... that's what I did."

Alex breathed out, long and slow and heavy, and it put Jack in mind of a dragon. The elder pressed his hands to his face, dragging them down it in frustration. "I don't believe this, Jack. I don't fucking believe this," Alex raged, kicking the leg of the coffee table. Jack jumped.

The elder started pacing around the room, trying to work off the anger. Jack just sat back down and waited. Alex's fuse was getting shorter and shorter.

"I really did think it was getting better, Jack! I did! But this? This is what's been making it easier for you to get along and make us all think you're doing just great, isn't it? Fucking smoking weed and drinking every other night, it's just another addiction for you to get yourself in over your head with in a few months' time! And you know what? I won't be there to fucking help you with it if you keep this up! You gave up cocaine for me, for us, just to start on something else!"

"Well I've gotta have something to help me get by! If I can't have therapy sessions and I can't have cocaine, drinking and smoking are just gonna have to do!" Jack shot back, but his voice was quieter than Alex's, attempting not to get the other boy too riled up.

It was a little too late for that.

"Jack! For fuck's sake, can't you see it's just as bad for you? If you're relying on this stuff now then you're gonna end up in fucking... rehab or something! This is too hard, it's just too hard."

"I'm trying, okay?!" Jack threw his hands up in the air, exhausted of the arguing, both inside in his head and out. "I think about everything I've done wrong constantly! It affected you and the guilt got so bad, I tried to fucking kill myself! It-- it wasn't my aim, okay? I didn't really want to die, I just-- I just wanted to make it all stop."

"Well why don't you talk to me about it?" Alex yelled, looking upset. "There's no communication any more, I just have to guess what the hell you're thinking! I thought you were doing okay! And now you're-- you've-- everything's just as fucked up as it was before! What's better? Nothing. You're totally messed up, and it's messing me up, and now your own family is fucking worried sick about you, and my family is too! We're fucking balancing on a knife edge here, Jack! Were you ever gonna actually tell me you've been out getting high with a bunch of strangers?"

"I don't know! I just needed something to make me feel better, for fuck's sake."

"Yeah, and that's what I'm here for! You're supposed to tell me when you're feeling bad so that I can help! This is all your fucking fault for getting us mixed up in this!" Alex was screaming. "The cocaine, yeah, I could handle, if that was all and you'd just quit, but I think you were a little more hooked on the buzz it got you than you ever let on, because what did you do? You aided a kidnap on a bunch of innocent girls! Kidnap, Jack! If it wasn't for you, I wouldn't have seen that girl getting taken away that night, I wouldn't have gotten all messed up in the head, and we wouldn't be where we are now! All the shit that's happened to us is your fucking fault, Jack! It's your fault!"

"I know it's my fucking fault!" Jack exploded as he jumped up from the sofa, patience worn down. "I'm perfectly aware, in case you hadn't noticed! I'm in a bad place right now, I admit it, okay?! Maybe drinking and getting high is something to replace my cravings, yeah, and maybe it helps me feel like I haven't made a complete fuck-up of my life, your life, those fucking-- those poor fucking girls' lives, and now, our families' lives, because they're all stressed to hell about me trying to off myself again! I get it, Alex, I'm a bad person. I've been trying to do better and make it okay but it's not that easy to just forget about it all! I can't clear my conscience any other way, I can't confess to everything I know because it'll all go to shit even worse than it is now, and Jeremy might do something to me, or you, or my fucking family if he finds out before they track him down! I can't risk that, Alex!"

The neighbours could hear the yelling, maybe not the words, but certainly the yelling, and both boys knew that, in the back of their minds, they should just settle down and talk it over calmly, but they were both done with talking. They'd tried to put it all behind them and move on and it clearly wasn't working. It occurred to Alex that maybe they'd been building to this for a while, that everything from Jack's past was putting on pressure without them even realising. He knew everything that Jack said was true, that his boyfriend was trying and that it was hard, but Alex couldn't bear this any more. Furious tears welled in his eyes and he started pacing again.

"I know you're trying but I can't-- I can't just not be mad about this, about you. I'm so fucking angry. You're going behind my back, not telling me stuff any more and we've had enough stress on our relationship recently as it is! This isn't what I wanted, Jack. This isn't how I pictured my life going! We should be happy right now, going out with our friends and talking about our future, what we wanna do with our lives, where we wanna live... instead I'm in this shitty little apartment trying to keep my head together while you're out fucking around with random idiots and making this even worse! I just want a normal life, Jack. Why couldn't we have that?"

Jack watched tears roll slowly down Alex's cheeks, jaw clenched. He felt like crying too. They could cry in each other's arms and fall asleep and work it all out in the morning... and in a few months' time, they'd be right back here, screaming at one another through guilt and fear and situations that neither knew how to handle.

And then he'd lose him.

With panic swelling in his chest, Jack turned and ran right out of the apartment, leaving Alex on his own.

/////

Alex sat in the dark for a long time. He hadn't bothered to turn on any of the lights after it started to get dark outside because he and Jack had been a little preoccupied.

Now, he just couldn't find it in himself to get up. The entire apartment was dim, not pitch black yet, but it would take less than hour before it was. Alex still didn't think he'd get up even then.

He stayed on the couch, breathing heavily, unable to calm down. Jack just ran away. Ran away from this like he runs away from everything.

Alex was so busy fuming inside his own head that he missed the first knock on the door.

The second knock came, more insistent. No longer knocking; a fist, hammering against the wood.

"Fuck," Alex sighed.

All the yelling probably pissed the neighbours off and now they were here to tell Alex to shut up or they'd report him to the landlord. Which he really didn't need right now.

Alex heaved the door open to three faces he wasn't so familiar with -- but Jack was.

"Where's Barakat this evening?" the tallest of the men smiled.

Alarm bells went off in Alex's head, eyeing the man that had spoken. His hair was slicked back, with a beard neatly trimmed to frame his face, and a nose ring. The other two had a similar look, and the shortest on the right had various tattoos. Neither of them looked quite as threatening as their apparent leader, however.

He had this small smile, the look that Alex imagined a cat might get when it just knew the defenseless bird it had been stalking was trapped.

Alex didn't need to ask his name.

"Jeremy," he spoke slowly.

"Oh, you know me?" Jeremy raised his eyebrows, looking pleasantly surprised. "That's good, we can skip the introductions then, because I certainly know you. Alex Gaskarth, am I right? You've been dating our friend Jack for a little while now, haven't you?"

His tone was friendly enough but Alex didn't miss the slight sneer on the word dating or the malicious look in his eyes. Alex just nodded, keeping his expression neutral. He glanced at the other two men in the doorway, wrinkling his nose slightly. "You guys must be Taylor and Chris."

Jeremy's smile slipped a little. "Ignore them, they're just here for... business matters," he said, and Alex felt his throat constrict. "You never answered my question. Jack happen to be in right now?"

Alex wasn't sure if lying or being truthful would be a better option. He cleared his throat, breathing becoming a bit difficult. "Actually, you just missed him. He left not too long ago."

"Oh?" Jeremy lost his smile completely, and he was no longer a cat. He looked like a snake.

"Yeah."

"And where's he disappeared to this time?"

Alex scoffed, getting too cocky in his anger at the memory of the way Jack left. "As if he told me."

Jeremy breathed out, and his expression hardened. "We don't have fucking time for this," he said coldly, directing his words more towards the men standing either side of him than Alex. "If we can't get to Barakat directly, we'll just have to hurt him through someone else."

His words were malicious and Alex felt them wind around his neck, choking him. He wasn't sure many people in the world knew the strange feeling of an inward panic, calm on the outside, when they knew they might only have a few moments to live.

Alex never thought he'd be one of those people.

/////

He'd been worried about the neighbours hearing them argue.

Alex had been worried about the neighbours hearing.

He wished he could laugh at that now. As if they neighbours could hear a damn thing. The screams of pain didn't seem to be attracting any attention, other than another punch in the face or a kick to the stomach.

He couldn't process the situation enough to know who was where or it was even all three on him at once. In the back of his mind, Alex was vaguely aware of the fact that one of them was probably ransacking the place, looking for anything small and of value to steal.

Alex didn't think it would matter so much if he came out of this dead.

And after everything, he couldn't find it in himself to blame Jack. Not when he was choking and his mouth tasted metallic, or when he heard a sickening crack and what sounded like a scream from his own mouth when someone's foot came down hard on his ribs.

Winded, he did his best to struggle, but he was on the floor and his head didn't feel quite right. There were black patches in his vision and everything was too dark. Too dark, why wouldn't someone turn on the lights?

The carpet felt softer than Alex had ever thought it felt before and he liked the rub it made on his skin as he dragged himself towards the table. It was hard to hear but the table was ringing and Alex knew that ring; it called to him.

He had forgotten exactly what a telephone was but it was on the table, at the very, very top of a steep mountain, and he had to answer it.

But he couldn't. He made it halfway, grasping the table leg and pulling himself up a bit, reaching with all his remaining strength. A hand grabs his wrist and his arm is wrenched backwards, twisted unnaturally behind his back and Alex bites out a cry.

Pulled to the floor once again, away from the table, his only normality of a ringing phone, it starts up all over again. Punches and kicks and everywhere starting to feel strange. It all hurt, immensely, and despite the sounds of pain coming from Alex, he also felt immune to it now. Like he might adjust to the pain sometime very soon, and it might just be because his head is pulsing and he can't remember how to sit up any more.

The phone goes to answering machine, and Alex doesn't pass out, because there's a voice he knows.

Tears spill and the burn of them on his skin hurts more than his bleeding mouth.

"Alex, please, please pick up the phone. Please. I just want to hear your voice, and I am so sorry. Without you, I'd be completely alone right now and I don't mean t-to not appreciate you, I'm just so fucked up right now. Please, pick up! Please! I have no idea where I am and I need you to find me, when I left I ju-just ran and ran and ran and now I'm lost and I'm so fucking sorry. Pl-please, I'm b-begging you to pick up the phone, I need to hear you. Please don't say this is it. I really need you, Lex. We'll get through it together, remember? Please, Alex, please, talk to me, you have to be home! I don't want to lose you, I love you. I love you so much it's hurting right now and I fucking-- I fucked our lives up so badly b-but I can fix it! Alex, pick up."

A choked sob.

"Please."

One final plead, and then fifteen seconds of silence before Jack gives in and hangs up.

Alex is choking on blood and the lump in his throat, fingers aching. He wanted to pick up. He could hear him.

He wanted to pick up but his legs are like lead and there's a funny feeling in his brain.

But the beatings stop. Talking starts instead, and Alex can hear that too, even if it sounds far away when they're right beside him.

"Should we go looking for him? He said he's lost, he's probably wandering the streets, he'd be easy to spot."

"Is it worth it now...?"

"No. No, he won't talk after he finds Alex like this. Let's go, we're done here."

There are footsteps and Alex realises the quiet means he's alone, and all he can think about is getting to Jack. He has to call him, has to tell him he wasn't getting ignored. That Jack could never lose him because they are in this together, no matter what.

It's a long fight to reach the table again, tears streaming down Alex's face at the pain it causes just to wriggle across the floor. He almost cries for real when he reaches it, breathing hard, smiling at the thought of Jack's voice on the other end of that line waiting for him.

But just like before, Alex is yanked away from his destination with a cry, and he sobs as someone drags him across the floor by his arms. He hits a hard surface and it's cold but that's actually sort of nice. Like an ice-pack for his bruises; and just when Alex thought he'd actually quite like to stay there, he gets punched again, everywhere. Stomach, face, throat. It hurts to breathe and that should worry Alex more but he can't bring himself to panic about it, not when he suddenly couldn't move. Not moving was also quite nice though; it seemed to make it hurt less.

The punches stopped again.

"Jeremy, we've done enough, we've been here long enough, let's fucking go, leave him."

Alex could see them this time. Chris and Taylor, both trying to pull Jeremy away. Jeremy looked enraged, eyes blazing, and Alex thought about his neighbour's dog that they owned when he was a child. It got bitten by something and developed rabies. The neighbours put it down.

The trio leave and Alex relishes his time on this cold, cold floor. He couldn't move, so he didn't try. Maybe he would, if the phone rang again, but right now Alex cared so much more about how cold the floor felt. It was so comfortable. Comfortable enough to maybe just close his eyes and sleep on.

/////

There's water everywhere, all around and in his mouth and his nose and he can feel it in his chest.

It's heavy too, and he can't get out. A great weight pressing down hard and it will crush him if he doesn't drown first.

He can only feel it on his face and his chest though, and there's a vision in Alex's head of that time his class went to the local swimming pool when he was ten. The class idiot pushed Alex to his hands and knees by the side of the pool and dunked his face into the water. But then he couldn't feel the water any more, only a nauseating crack and he thinks it was his head and that lovely cold floor that caused it.

/////

Ice creeps into Alex's blood and he jerks awake, legs kicking, and the weight is there again. It's all over this time, freezing and unforgiving, and he can see bubbles in front of his face. It's all his air, leaving him. All the air he needs.

He can see the sides of the bath above the water, and a figure leans over into his hazy line of sight. Jeremy spits into the water and grins.

"I don't make empty fucking promises. That's a message for your boyfriend. I don't think he'll ever get it though."

He lingers and Alex just looks at him with a distant sense of awe. He can't lift his arms to grab the sides of the bath and pull himself out so he doesn't try. His chest burns for oxygen but Alex knows it will hurt far worse if he lets himself attempt to breathe.

He knows. He remembers the sea.

Jeremy leaves quietly on his own this time and Alex lies exactly where he was left just like before.

And he thinks that if he breathes in now, it won't hurt as much as he remembered.