The Masked Feelings

I sighed in the mirror as I straightened my black pencil skirt and white blouse. I added black booties with a matching blazer before moving to do my hair and the make-up. Today was the day of the trial, and to say that I was nervous would be an understatement. I would be in the same room as the man who had abducted me and shot me. And he would be fighting me and using anything that he could against me. I inhaled a deep breath, trying to calm down my nerves in order to stop my hands from shaking. I put on a bit of foundation and eye make-up, not using any eye-liner as I knew that it would take multiple attempts to get it right with the state that my hands were in right now. I swallowed a pill of medication for my shoulder's recovery with a gulp of water before standing up and preparing to leave.

*** 3 days earlier ***

"Tasha, are you even listening to me?" My lawyer asked, as I stared blankly into the distance after zoning out of the conversation. I gave my lawyer, Carmen, a sheepish smile at me and she rolled her eyes. "Look, what I was saying is that Harry's lawyer Mr Clarke will try to shake you with bad memories, and try everything that they can to unnerve you. If the lawyer can see the hesitation in you then she'll question your recovery, having to take extra precautions with you which will just drag out the case and mean that they will have more time to come up with a new game plan."
"Ok, so what do I need to do then?" I asked.
"You're going to need to prepare yourself for whatever questions Harry and Mr Clarke may throw at you." Carmen instructed and I nodded my head. "I have got the number of a therapist with me here, so you should probably give her a call soon seeing as you've got to be at court in three days." Carmen suggested, handing me a card.
"Ok, is that all?" I checked and Carmen nodded.
"Yep, I've got all of the details and I will arrange an appointment for the two of us when I have sorted out the plan." Carmen told me and I nodded, offering her a small smile before leaving.

The following day I had an appointment to see the therapist, which I was certainly not looking forward to. "It'll be fine, trust me. It'll be beneficial." Cristiano promised, stroking up and down my arms slowly.
"I know, but I don't want to go back there; back to that night." I whispered, leaning into Cristiano's body as he wrapped his arms around me.
"But you have to, if you don't now then you'll have to do it at court and trust me, it won't be half as comforting." Cristiano warned and I nodded weakly, knowing that I needed to do this.
"I know, I know." I sighed, detaching myself from Cris's arms and grabbing my bag. "I'll see you when I get back." I told him, pecking his cheek.
"Where are you going mummy?" Bella asked as she appeared from the hallway. Ever since I had come back to her she didn't like me leaving, in fear that I wouldn't come back.
"I've just got to go to a meeting, I'll be back soon, I promise." I told her, half-lying. Bella nodded her head and I walked over to her, pecking her forehead, and then walking towards the door. "I'll be back soon." I told them, then leaving the house with a heavy weight on my shoulders.

I bounced my knee nervously as I waited for my appointment. "Tasha Grove?" A middle aged woman asked, and I nodded my head.
"That's me." I replied, getting up and following her into her office.
"Ok, so Tasha; would you like to tell me why you're here?" The lady asked, whose name must have been Dr West as it read on the name tag on her shirt.
"Well, I have a court case in 2 days against my ex-boyfriend who abducted me and my lawyer wanted me to be prepared for any emotional tricks that he and his lawyer may try to play." I explained and Dr West nodded her head.
"Ok, so what was your history between you and your ex?" She asked holding a notepad and pen in her hand, and watching me closely as I tried to keep a straight face.
"Um, well my current fiancé Cristiano, had abandoned me and our daughter for this horrid model and jetted off to New York. And then I met Harry, my ex, and we really hit it off and went on loads of dates with him. And then when Cristiano came back into our daughter’s life it caused a few issues, but nothing major. Then I walked in on him cheating on me with some other girl and then the girl ran out and he chased after her." I told her, pausing as she nodded for me to continue. "Then I met up with him the following day to find out what was going on and to officially end things... But he was still a little drunk from when he had gone out for drinks after I had walked in on him, and he was begging for me to come back and when I told him no, he turned on me. He started saying all this mean stuff and that he was only going out with me for publicity and all this stuff, so I slapped him and left."

"Ok and how did that feel? When he told you that the entire relationship was for publicity?" Dr West pushed.
"It felt like someone had stolen my heart from my chest and stamped on it repeatedly. I almost didn't believe it, part of me kind hoped that it was all some twisted dream and I'd wake up with Harry right beside me... That Harry didn't actually do that to me, that Harry didn't use me that way. I felt embarrassed that I had fallen for his lies and believed in him when he said that he loved me." I confessed, my eyes flickering from side to side as I used my hands animatedly to express my feelings.
"Ok. Now tell me. What happened when you were abducted?"
"Well, it was Cristiano and I's engagement party and we both had this gut feeling that something would go wrong... And then I got abducted..." I trailed off.
"Well, that's good to know, but what actually happened when you got abducted, I want to know exactly what happened and how you felt about it." Dr West probed, catching me off guard. I had done everything in my power to not go back to those nights when I was too scared to close an eye for a split second. Dr West must have picked up on my hesitation as she continued, "I'm afraid that you're going to have to talk about this on the court day, so you're going to need to get this off of your chest. Just imagine that you're talking to a best friend." She suggested and I nodded my head.

"Um, well I went to the toilet and when I came out my dad was there and he dragged me into the car." I began and Dr West nodded encouragingly.
"Ok, that's good progress, and how did you feel when this was happening?" She asked and I shrugged my shoulders.
"I didn't really feel anything to be honest. I was just numb; it was like I couldn't actually believe that this was happening to me. I found it hard to believe that I was being taken away from Cristiano; it all just felt so surreal. And then when I got to Harry's house and I saw him at the door, a part of me just broke. When I realized that he was the one behind this I didn't even feel mad, I just felt betrayed. I wasn't hurt though. I don't really know how to explain it, I just felt betrayed because I didn't think that something like this was within his depth; but I was wrong."

"And then what happened?” Dr West asked.
“I got abducted…” I replied nonchalantly.
“No, what happened, in detail?” She pushed and I avoided eye contact with her as I looked around everywhere in the room, but at her.
“Um, well I got put in this dark room with my hands and feet tied with this cloth around my mouth. I would then sit there as Harry scarred me with all of these condescending words, all these rude words which exposed my insecurities and I would just sit there.” I began, running a shaky hand through my hair as I got more and more frustrated as I thought about how I had been treated by Harry. “I was so powerless in the situation. I was literally tied to a chair and wasn’t allowed to say anything. And I don’t know what I hated more; being with Harry and his spiteful words, or being left alone with the deafening silence.” I confessed.

“Did Harry ever physically hurt you?” Dr West asked cautiously.
“He hit me a few times, but to be honest it didn’t even hurt. There was so much emotional pain which I was trying to handle that I couldn’t even feel the physical pain.”
“Did he, force himself onto you?” She asked and I could sense the hesitation in her voice.
“No, he was going to; but Cristiano saved me in time.”
“Ok, and so how did you sustain your injury?” Dr West asked, referring to my shoulder.
“Harry went to shoot Cristiano off balance but he got me instead. I then fell from the impact and landed in Cristiano’s arms… But when I blacked out I must have hit the ground heavily as I suffered temporary amnesia.” I replied and Dr West nodded, writing down a few notes.
“Ok, that’s the session over.” She told me and I internally sighed in relief, walking out of the office feeling a huge weight being lifted off of my shoulders, making it much easier to breathe.