Washed out Rock Song

I took one last drag of my cigarette before tossing it into a new pile at my feet. About once a month my cigarette pile was swept up by community service members and I would have to start over again.

John had been calling me all weekend, but I ignored him. I was too embarrassed to face him. I don’t know what I was thinking at that party. I was drunk and jealous and I made myself look like a total idiot. It was something I never would have done had I been sober.

But I was also upset. John would sleep with anyone who was willing and when I threw myself at him, he didn’t want me. I was glad it didn’t happen, it was something I probably would have regretted. I promised Kira I wouldn’t sleep with him. But regardless of whether or not it happened, his rejection still hurt.

I grabbed my backpack off of the ground and made my way to my locker. While all of the attention I was getting wasn’t completely gone, most of it had stopped and I no longer felt like I should hide in a bomb shelter for the rest of my life.

I was relieved when I didn’t see John at my locker. I grabbed my history book and made my way to class. Instead of my locker, he was waiting outside my first period classroom.

“Leah,” he walked towards me, but I couldn’t deal with this right now.

I turned around and went in the opposite direction. I didn’t have to go to class today, right?

“Leah, wait,” I felt his hand wrap around mine and I came to a stop, turning to face him.

“Please just leave me alone.” I pulled away from him and left the school, running to my car. Once I was sitting in the passenger seat I let a huge breath out. I knew I could’t avoid him forever, but I didn’t want to talk to him now.

I drove away from the school and sat in an abandoned strip mall parking lot listening to music. Every now and then I got a call from John and hit ignore. At the time school got out I drove home and locked myself up in my room. I didn’t want Kira to bother me, I couldn’t answer any of her questions right now.

Late that night, I woke up to a clinking sound at my window. I rubbed my eyes and pulled my blanket down. I got out of bed and went over to the window. John was standing in front of my house. I watched as he leaned down, picked up a stone and chucked it up at my window.

I pushed the window open and stuck my head out. “Are you insane?” I whisper screamed.

John stopped reaching for the next rock and looked up. “I need to talk to you.”

“Shh,” I said, “You’re going to wake everyone up.” I was really only worried about waking Kira up, her bedroom was next to mine and she was a much lighter sleeper than my parents.

“I'm not going to stop until you come and talk to me.”

I hesitated. I didn’t want to talk to him, but maybe I should just do it and get it over with. “Fine, just hang on.”

I slipped out my bedroom door and crept down the stairs, out the front door.

“Hi,” I said, meeting him outside.

“Leah,” he said, “Why have you been avoiding me?”

“Are you kidding me?” I asked. “John, I’m so embarrassed.”

“Why are you embarrassed, Leah? You didn’t do anything wrong.”

I groaned. “I was drunk and I just threw myself at you, and it was so stupid, and it’s obvious that you didn’t want to-“

“Leah, stop,” he said, cutting me off. He put his hands on both of my cheeks and looked me in the eyes. “I knew you were mad about that night, but I didn’t realize you were embarrassed. You have nothing to be embarrassed about.” He leaned in and kissed me on the forehead. "And I want to, I do want to.” He paused and dropped his hands. “I just can’t. Not right now.”

“Why not?” I asked. I didn’t want to sleep with him either but it didn’t make sense why he didn’t want to.

He sighed and looked down at his shoes before looking back up at me. “Um, I’ve had sex with... a lot of girls,” he started. He seemed uncomfortable. “I know that you already know that, it’s not really a secret. It’s definitely not something I’m proud of, but, uh, I’ve never cared about any of those girls the way I care about you,” John reached over and grabbed my hand. “You’re not like them. I’m so sorry if I made you feel rejected, Leah. But I really like you and I don’t want to ruin this. I don’t want to rush anything.”

I didn’t say anything. I was glad he was telling me this and being a little bit open about his past "relationships", but I was reminded that one of those girls was Kira.

“Leah, if you don’t want to be with me because of all of this, I get it,” he said, “I’ve hurt a lot of people, I just don’t want to hurt you too."

I sighed. I wanted him, but at the same time I didn't. Looking up at his green eyes made me melt though. “No, I want to be with you,” I said, “And you’re right. We shouldn’t rush things."

A crooked grin appeared on his face as he pulled me into him. He put his hand on my neck and kissed me.