Washed out Rock Song

Even though John didn’t say that he loved me, that didn't mean that he doesn’t. Part of me wanted to know for sure exactly what he was feeling, but at the same time, if he told me he loved me, did that mean that this was all over? That I would have to break up with him for Kira’s sake? Hurt him the way he hurt my sister? I didn’t want that. We spent the winter cuddling and watching movies and learning more about each other, and as cheesy as this all was, I liked it. My life was like every single romantic comedy that I absolutely hated, but now that it wasn’t a movie and it was happening to me, I was in a state of constant bliss. I couldn’t tell Kira that though. Kira and Kennedy were together all the time, but she made it obvious she wasn’t over this plan yet.

I stomped out the cigarette that I had finished and made my way back around the school. I scanned the parking lot and saw John’s truck already here. I knew he would be waiting for me at my locker, but I didn’t want to be in school right now. I had way too much on my mind. I listened as the first bell rang and watched as people made their way into the school. Instead of following them, I ran across the parking lot to my car. I got in the front seat as my phone vibrated in my pocked. I pulled it out and answered.

“Hey,” I said.

“Where are you?” John asked.

I sighed. “I’m in my car.” I started my car up.

“Are you okay?” He asked.

No. “Yeah, I’m fine. I’m just really not feeling today.”

I heard the final bell ring.

“I’ll call you later.” He hung up.

I pulled out of the parking spot and drove home. It was Friday which meant that my dad would be in meetings all day before the weekend and my step mom would be visiting her sister who lived a couple hours away before she had to be home for dinner.

I went upstairs and fell onto my bed. How could I feel so confused about my relationship with John when I was so happy. Nothing has felt this right in a long time, but at the same time I couldn’t disappoint Kira.

I fell asleep thinking about what I was going to do and I woke up to my dads voice calling me from downstairs.

“Kira,” he yelled again.

“I’m coming!” I called. I rubbed my eyes pulled myself out of bed. I slowly made my way downstairs and glanced at Kira in the kitchen. How long was I asleep for.

My dad was in the family room, still in his work suit. “What’s going on?” I asked.

“I got a call from the school today,” he said.

Shit. I should have known to try to avoid this talk.

“Leah, what the hell are you doing? You were fine for weeks and now all of sudden you start pulling this crap again?”

I didn’t say anything. I knew better than to argue with my dad.

“Are you even thinking about your future? What about college?”

I shrugged.

My dad sighed. “Your grounded.”

“Dad, John and I have to-“

“No,” he said. “You and John don’t have to do anything. And I want your car keys.”

I rolled my eyes and pulled my keys from my sweatshirt pocket and handed them to him. I didn’t say anything else, I made my way back up to my bedroom and waited until family dinner. I sat through dinner in silence and went back up to my room as soon as I was finished.

I could see into Kira’s bedroom from mine. She was getting ready to go out. Her hair was curled, she had lipgloss on.

“Hey,” I called. “Where are you going?”

Kira dropped her eyeliner into her purse and walked to my bedroom door. “I’m hanging out with Kennedy.”

“What’s going on with you guys?” I asked. They had been just ‘hanging out’ a lot.

She shrugged and smiled. “I like him. A lot.” She blushed a little bit. Kira was never shy when it came to guys and she usually always told me everything. This thing she had with Kennedy must have been a big deal if she was keeping so hush about it.

She smiled at me before she left.

If Kira liked Kennedy this much, then she couldn’t hate me for liking John. Kennedy was John’s best friend, she would be around him all the time. She was over whatever happened between her and John, right?

I picked up my phone and called John.

“Hey gorgeous,” He answered.

I let out a laugh. “Hey,” I sighed, “So, I’m grounded.”

“For ditching class?”

“Yeah,” I said. “But do you want to come over? My parents are watching a movie in their room right now, I guarantee they will be asleep in 20 minutes.”

John laughed. “Sure.”

“I’ll leave the front door unlocked, try to be quiet.”

I hung up and smiled to myself. When I heard his voice, it was like everything was automatically okay. I got out of bed and went downstairs to unlock the door before making my way back upstairs. I could already hear my dad snoring. I shut off my light and switched on the TV to an old episode of Boy Meets World to kill time before John got here.

“Hey.”

I turned to my door to see John smirking about twenty minutes later.

I smiled and stood up, closing my bedroom door behind him.

John grabbed my waist and leaned over to kiss me. “I missed you at school today.”

“I’m sorry,” I said, and pulled away from him. I pulled open the top drawer of my vertical dresser and grabbed a bottle of vodka from the back. I grabbed the remote and shut off the TV, letting the moonlight from outside light up the corner of my bedroom. I sat down on a rug next to my window and took a swig from the bottle. I felt it burn my throat as John sat next to me and grabbed the bottle.

“Can I ask you something serious?” He said. He pressed the rim of the bottle against his lips and threw it back.

“Sure,” I said, curious.

“Why can’t you open up to me?”

“What are you talking about?” I asked.

He sighed. “You ditch school, but you can’t tell me why. You won’t tell me what’s wrong.”

I thought about telling him what was going on, that I knew he slept with Kira. I thought about telling him everything. But I didn’t. That would ruin everything. Instead, I just shrugged. “Nothing is wrong.”

“See, that,” he said, “That’s what I’m talking about. On our first date I asked you why you kept to yourself, you said it was because you didn’t want to be rejected by other people.”

“So what,” I said, getting irritated.

“So why? Why are you scared?” John moved closer to me and grabbed me hand. “Leah, I love you.”

I looked up at him, surprised. There it was. He said it.

“I just want to understand you better.”

I swallowed the lump in my throat.

Why was I this way? I was always closed off from everybody. John and I had been together for months and I was still like this. But I knew the answer to his question. What exactly made me this way in the first place.

I felt my eyes start to water. “You said that you remember my mom’s bright red car.”

“What?” He asked.

“We were outside of the school, we skipped class, and you said you remember my mom’s bright red car.”

“Yeah,” he nodded.

“Do you remember anything else about my mom?” I asked, I felt my eyes begin to water more.

“Leah…”

“I don’t remember anything about her. Nothing. The only reason why I know what she looks like is because I found a picture of her in a box of my dads things. I don’t remember what she smelled like, what she liked to do, whether or not she cooks. The only thing I remember is that she left me. She just left me.” I felt tears falling down my cheeks now and put my face in my hands.

I felt John’s arms wrap around me. “I’m so sorry, Leah."