Washed out Rock Song

“Are you sure you’re okay?” John asked as he laid next to me on my bed.

My parents were gone for the weekend and Kira was out with Kennedy, and since I didn’t feel like being around a bunch of other people right now, I asked John to come over.

I nodded. I wasn’t okay at first, but now I really was. The more I thought about what happened with my mom, the more I realized that this was all for the best. “Yeah, I’m glad we went actually. Now I’ll never have to wonder.”

“Do you think you’ll ever try to contact her again?”

I shook my head and laughed a little. “No way.” I shrugged. “Besides, I have a mom. She might not have given birth to me but I love her and she loves me, and she would never leave me. That’s all that matters right?”

John nodded. “Thanks Leah.”

“For what?” I asked.

“For being open with me. About everything. I finally feel like you trust me.” He grabbed my hand with both of his and started playing with my fingers.

“I do trust you,” I said.

“I know. And I trust you too. Which is why I have to tell you something.” His voice turned very serious. It scared me.

I sat up and looked at him. The sun was setting outside my window and it was almost dark, but I could make out his facial expression with the last bit of light. He looked nervous.

He was going to tell me that he slept with Kira.

“What is it?” I asked.

He sat up and faced me. “Those two months I was gone last year,” He started. He looked down at his hands.

So he wasn’t going to tell me about Kira.

“I, uh, wasn’t anywhere special. I wasn’t in Hollywood or on some cruise.” He let out a nervous laugh. “I was in the hospital.” He finally looked back up at me.

“The hospital?” I asked. I was confused now. He was seemingly healthy. “Why? What happened?”

“I, uh,” he paused. He looked at me with his big green eyes. “I don’t want you to think any differently of me.”

“John,” I said, “You can tell me.” I was so confused.

He sighed. “I was in the hospital because,” he paused again, “because I tried to kill myself.”

“What?” I said quietly. This didn’t make any sense. John always seemed so happy. Last year he was on top of the world.

He looked back down at his hands. “I took a bunch of pills. My mom found me I guess. I was in the ICU for a couple of days and then I was moved to a psychiatric hospital. They aren’t allowed to keep you for more than thirty days. So I left after about a month and when I went home, I pretty much kept to myself for another month until I worked up enough nerve to go back to school. The guys made up most of those rumors, for my sake. I didn’t want anyone to know what really happened.”

“But John, why?” I asked. I felt my eyes start to water. The thought of him not being here right now, the thought of the past six months never happening, it was something unimaginable.

He shrugged. “I was just having a bad day, or more like a bad year. I felt really alone, I don’t know. It was stupid. I, uh, slept around a lot. It was like I was constantly searching for something to make me feel less alone, but I never found that. I was depressed, and it got the best of me.”

“John,” I put my hands on his face. “Look at me.”

He looked up into my eyes.

“Promise me you will never do that again.”

“Leah, I-“

“Promise,” I said.

He put his hand on top of one of my hands and nodded. “I promise.”

I pulled his face towards mine and kissed him. I was just so incredibly thankful he was okay. And I was glad he trusted me enough to tell me. Now I knew I had to tell him everything. No matter how much I didn’t want to tell him, I had to. It wasn’t fair to him to keep lying about my initial intentions.

“John,” I said, pulling away from him. “I have to tell you something too.”

“What is it?” He asked.

“I,” I stopped and looked at him. He looked up at me with such confidence now. He was so relieved after telling me his secret, and now I was about it break his heart? I couldn’t do it. I couldn’t tell him.

“I love you,” I said instead. It was still the truth. I did love him, and that was why I couldn’t tell him I knew he slept with my sister or that I had planned to break his heart at the beginning of this. If I told him any of that, he would leave and he would never forgive me.

He smiled and kissed me and I kissed him back intensely. I loved him and he loved me. This just felt right. He pulled my shirt off over my head and I reached down to the waistline of his jeans, fumbling around with the button.

“Are you sure you want to do this?” John asked, he stopped and looked at me.

I smiled. “Yeah.”