Washed out Rock Song

Chapter Twenty-five.

I stood in front of the mirror with my graduation cap on. No matter how hard you try, this thing looks ridiculous. I pulled it off and threw it on my dresser. I was wearing shorts and a T-shirt even though the dress code for the graduation ceremony clearly said to dress nice underneath your gowns. But school was over, I couldn’t get expelled now. And who would see what was under the gown anyways? My parents wouldn’t care what I was wearing, they were just relieved I was actually graduating.

I sat on my bed next to where my gown was laid out. Just a couple more months until I was in Chicago starting my new life.

The doorbell rang and I watched Kira walk out of her room to answer it. I listened to her foot steps down the stairs and up to the front door. I could hear the front door swing open.

“Kennedy?” Kira’s voice said, surprised.

“Is Leah home?” I heard him say.

Why did he want to know if I was home? I stood up and slowly made my way to the staircase.

“Yeah, is everything okay?” Kira asked as I took a couple step downs the banister.

“I just need to see your sister,” Kennedy said.

“What’s going on?” I said, about halfway down the staircase.

Kennedy looked up at me. “It’s John.” Kennedy looked at Kira, hesitant to say what’s next in front of her. But he continues anyways. “He’s in the hospital and he’s asking for you.”

“What happened?” I asked. I felt my eyes starting to tear up.

“I’ll drive you to the hospital, I’ll tell you on the way.”

I nodded. I ran into my room and slipped on a pair of shoes. I tried to force back my tears but I couldn’t. I felt some run down my cheeks and I wiped them away before heading back downstairs. I didn’t say anything to Kira as I followed Kennedy out the front door to his car. As I got in, I noticed Kennedy's cap and gown on the backseat.

“I’m sorry I’m making you miss graduation,” Kennedy said as he pulled out of the driveway.

“I didn’t want to walk anyways,” I said. The idea of standing up in front of everyone? No thanks. My parents would be pretty pissed though. I didn’t care. “What’s going on?” I asked. My eyes were still wet but I managed to keep myself from crying in front of Kennedy so far.

“He, uh,” Kennedy started, “He swallowed a bunch of pills.”

“Oh my God,” I said under my breath. He tried to kill himself. He was fine before, he said he wouldn’t do this again. This had to be because of me. This was all my fault. I couldn’t contain the tears anymore. They just kept coming.

“Leah,” Kennedy said, “Leah, he’s okay. He’s fine.” Kennedy tried to calm me down but that didn’t work so he tried to change the subject. “How’s Kira?” He asked.

My crying slowed and I took a deep breath. “She’s okay,” I said. I wiped my face and turned to him. “You should talk to her. She didn’t do anything wrong, it was all me.”

Kennedy shook his head. “That’s not really true.”

“Yeah, it is,” I said. “She didn’t want to hurt John until I talked her into it. Trust me. Kira’s not like that. She’s the sweetest person I know. And she likes you. A lot.”

Kennedy didn’t say anything else. I think he was just glad I had stopped crying. We pulled up to the front of the hospital.

“He’s on the third floor. Room 318.”

“Thank you,” I said as I got out.

I rushed through the front doors and towards the hospital elevator. I pressed the up button. I got impatient and pressed it a few more times. I got in and I was thankful it was empty. I didn’t want to talk to anyone right now. The elevator doors opened on the third floor and I followed the signs towards his room number. 314, 316, 318.

I stopped in front of his room and took a second to try and compose myself. I wiped away any wetness on my face and hoped that my cheeks and nose weren’t as red as I thought they were. I took a deep breath and went in.

“Leah,” He said, looking up as I took a few steps forward.

I looked at him laying in the hospital bed and I scared me. He looked fine, but the thought of him doing it again was terrifying.

My vision became blurry and I realized that I was crying again. “You promised,” I said.

John let out a sigh. “I know.” He nodded, motioning for me to come by him.

I slowly walked next to his bed, tears still streaming down my face.

“I’m so sorry, Leah,” he said.

“This is all my fault,” I said between tears. “I’m so sorry.”

“Leah, leah,” John said, trying to calm me down just like Kennedy. “Look at me.”

I looked at him. His eyes were the same bright green, but he had bags under his eyes. It had been weeks since I’ve looked at these eyes and I wondered how long the bags have been there for.

“Listen to me,” he said, “This is not your fault.”

I shook my head. He was wrong. If it wasn’t for me, he would have been fine.

John grabbed my hand. “Leah, I’m serious. You didn’t do this. I did. Okay? None of this is your fault.” He looked down at our hands that were resting on the side of the bed. “I’m just a little screwed up,” he said, looking back up at me. “But it’s not because of you."

I took a deep breath to slow my tears. I took a second to look at him. He had and IV in his arm and a couple of wires attached to his chest. He looked healthy. He always looked healthy. A little tired, but he looked fine. How terrifying it is to think that someone who looks fine, might actually not be.

“How could you do this?” I asked.

John shrugged. “I wasn’t thinking. It was stupid. I guess I had a bad day, or a bad month.”

“Not a bad year?” I asked.

He grinned a little and reached up to put his hand on the side of my face. I felt his thumb rub against my cheek. “No, not a bad year.”

I took a seat in the chair that was pulled up next to his hospital bed. I held onto his hand tight. “John, why did you want me here?”

“I just needed to see you,” he said.

I thought back to the night he called me, asking for me to come meet him in the parking lot. He said he just really needed to see me. Just like this.

“Leah, I’m sorry,” John said.

“You already said that.”

“No,” he shook his head. “I’m sorry that I walked away from you the way I did. You told me you loved me, and I just left you. I shouldn’t have.”

“It’s okay,” I said. “I understand why you did.”

“No Leah, everything I said. It was bullshit, okay? Leah, I love you.”

“You do?” I asked. It was like I needed him to say it again just so I could make sure he wouldn’t take it back.

“I tried not to,” he let out a small laugh, “But it’s useless. I can’t stop loving you. I always have loved you and I’m always going to."