Five in the Morning

The heat from the small fireplace made me feel as though I was suffocating and I put my head in my hands. My hair had gradually fallen out of my messy bun and it was now dangling in my face as I stared down at my mismatched socks. There were many thoughts that were racing through my head, but there was only one that stayed constant.
Why was I here?
I heard the small creak of the old wooden floor and I glanced behind me to see Travis leaning against the wall.

“Are you okay?” His voice was groggy and even though it was dark, I could see the guilt in his eyes.
The light from the fire flickered on his face and it illuminated his gorgeous features perfectly. I felt a lump form in my throat and I averted my eyes from him quickly. “Yeah, I'm fine.”

I felt the couch sink from Travis's weight as he sat down next to me and I glanced over at him. I noticed that he had taken off his Franklin College t-shirt and what was now remaining was the gray wife beater that clung to his torso. I remembered how his skin felt underneath my fingertips previously that night and I could feel the all to familiar ache in my chest reappear.

“I hate myself for still having feelings for her because I hate her, Brittany.” The orange light flickered onto his face and he closed his eyes. “I can't fall asleep next to you because she is in the back of my mind and I hate that.”

I pulled my knees up to my chest and stared at the continuously burning fire. I tried to find the right words to say to him and all that I could come up with was; “It's okay.”

He smirked and turned his entire body to face me. “No, it's not okay! You don't deserve this. You have been here for me through the good and the bad and she left me when I needed her the most.”

I studied his face and I swallowed the lump that had been forming in my throat. I met Travis when I was in eighth grade and he was a Junior in high school. He was the guy that all the girls wanted to be with and he took advantage of that. Even though I knew that he was a player, there was still something great inside of him that I could see. Now, six years later, he had become the guy that I always knew he could be.

Travis rested his elbows on his knees and he put his head in his hands. “I joined the Army because Lindsey and I had broken up. When we got back together, I still decided to go and things between us seemed alright. When I found out that I was being discharged, she decided that I wasn't good enough for her and she dumped me.”

He turned to look at me and he interlocked his fingers with mine. “Then you came along and you were perfect in every way in my eyes. You were there for me when no one else was and that meant the world to me, I want you to know that.”

I glanced down at our hands and I blinked back the tears that were fighting to escape from my tired eyes. “You are not the guy you were in high school, Travis. You have become the man I always knew you could be and I am really proud of you.”

He nodded his head slowly and unlaced his fingers from mine. “All of this is so frustrating because I want to be able to fall asleep next to you. I want to be able to be with you, but I feel like she is holding me back from that. I think I just need time to figure all of this out.”

It was then that I felt as though I couldn't breathe. I nodded and hugged my knees tightly. “I understand that.”

Travis rubbed his face roughly with his hands and before standing up he muttered; “Gosh, you don't deserve this and I feel like an idiot.”

He stood up from his spot on the couch and leaned down to kiss me on the cheek. I closed my eyes and he wrapped his arms around my shoulders. I couldn't explain to you how it made me feel to be in his embrace; it almost felt like home.

“Thank you for listening.”

“Anytime.” My voice sounded so foreign to me and I watched as he walked away. Before disappearing into his room, Travis turned back to look at me. “I wouldn't blame you if I woke up and you weren't here in the morning.”

Once he had closed his door, I finally let go all of the emotions that I had been holding back. Tears rolled down my cheeks as I sat there on his couch watching the fire burn. The feeling I felt in that moment was something I hadn't felt before, and it was something that I didn't want to feel ever again.

I glanced at the clock and sighed when I realized that it was almost six in the morning. It was only a seven hours before that Travis and I had decided that I was going to drive home from college to see him. It was an hour and a half drive from college to my home town and I didn't hesitate once.

Travis was like a dream come true to me. After six years of unresolved feelings for each other, I felt as though we were finally getting our chance to be together. Even as I sat here now, I still knew that he was the guy I wanted to be with.

After an hour of debating on whether or not I should leave, I finally stood up from the couch and shoved my clothes back into my backpack. I slipped on my Nike tennis shoes and pulled out my Anatomy notebook.

I sat down on the couch and began to write. I knew that I couldn't leave without telling Travis what I was feeling for him in that moment. I ripped out the sheet of paper and laid it on the couch where he had previously sat.

I slid on my winter coat and walked up to Travis's bedroom door. I could see the flickering light from the TV underneath his door and my hand hovered over the doorknob. I could feel my heart beating a hundred miles per second as I twisted the knob and pushed the door open. I smiled to myself as I glanced at the large lump underneath the red comforter. I walked to the side of his bed and noticed that he was fast asleep. I leaned down and pressed my lips against his temple.

“I could have loved the guy you have become, Travis.” I wrapped my arms around my middle and made my way back to his doorway. I turned to look back at him and the ache in my chest reappeared once again. “I still could.”