Broken Lullaby

Time. People say time heals everything. Then why did Sydney still find herself feeling like, after eight months, nothing had changed? Why did she feel trapped inside herself, inside her own feelings, as the two people she and everybody else around her looked at, tied the knot?

One week in Huntington Beach had been enough to erase all the feelings she had been building up in Miami and all the time she had taken, convincing herself that she could deal with the fact of seeing them all again. That she could face Brian. And that she could face the fact that he was getting married.

But that was happening now. Right now. Right in front of her. And it seemed like the universe had decided to punish her, by making it painfully slow.

Every minute seemed like an hour, hundreds of thoughts crossing her mind and making Sydney feel as trapped inside her bridesmaids’ dress as a lion inside a cage.

Her unsteady breathing made Morgan elbow her arm and flash a smile at her. An apologetic one, Sydney recognized it, even if it had only lasted a split second. Morgan knew what she was going through, she had been the one to watch her slowly change from the ‘I can do this, I’m over him’ act, to the ‘I can’t handle this, what am I going to do?’ anguished state Sydney was currently in.

Fuck, fuck, fuck. Fuck this, fuck everything. She had to refrain herself from screaming, her eyes darting to the couple now exchanging the wedding rings. And fuck you, Brian. Her face frowned as her mind pronounced herself. This wasn’t his fault; it was hers and only her. She had been the one not being able to move on.

It’s not that she didn’t want to move on, that was actually the thing she ambitioned the most in her life. She wanted to be like him, fall in love with someone else and be able to forget him. It was her heart that didn’t allow her to.

Sydney closed her eyes as the ceremony finally came to an end. She had to be stronger than this. She had to return to Miami.



People laughed as Matt finished his speech. He might have the looks of a badass, but he was just a big teddy bear, and Sydney knew it. She smiled at the recollection of the story he had just shared. She remembered that. She had been there, just like in every other funny, and slightly embarrassing, story their friends had shared with the wedding guests. They had been a family for so long that she couldn’t actually remember a moment, worthy of sharing, where they hadn’t all be together.

Sydney decided not to give a speech. She was not the only one of course, but she could see the disappointed look on Michelle’s face, considering her relationship with her and the groom, especially the groom. She tried to enjoy the food, not thinking too much about what the bride would think about her sudden lack of courage to speak in public. She had planned a speech, full of cute and sickening things about the two of them, but now she just couldn’t do it.

She felt her cell phone buzz, reminding her that she still hadn't changed it back from silent to normal mode. The name on the screen made her frown. Logan. She wasn't in the mood to talk to him now.

She decided to step outside for a smoke. The day was ending, and it casted a beautiful shade of orange on the lake in front of her. She had the urge to take off her high heels and just walk on the grass, savoring the cool feeling against her bare feet. She lit her cigarette and chuckled. She knew Michelle wouldn't like that.

"Another nail on the coffin?" She heard a voice behind her. She didn't need to turn around to know who it was.

"What can I say, Zee?" She watched Zacky stand next to her, an already lit cigarette between his lips. "We're all gonna die."

Zacky let out a humorless chuckle. "This sucks, right?"

"What? Dying?"

He laughed this time. "No. This whole wedding thing." He waved the cigarette in his hand as he gestured.

"Oh." Although she’d seen Zacky almost every day for the last week, they still hadn’t talked about Sydney’s ‘secret’. "I knew what I was coming for. Besides, I've moved on." Sydney shrugged.

Zacky didn't reply. She took a long drag of her cigarette, watching him from the corner of her eye. She knew what he was doing. He was trying to find what to say to her. He was trying to find some wise words of comfort and friendship that would tell her that everything would be alright. She didn't need that.

"Anyway, what's this I've heard of, you not having sex with Morgan?"

"WHAT?!" Zacky looked like he had been hit in the face. "How…?"

"Well, she's my best friend," Sydney spoke casually. "And girls tell everything to each other."

"Why do I have the feeling that you made her tell you?"

Sydney laughed, but didn't reply.

“So what’s the problem?” She dropped the cigarette butt and stepped on it.
“With what?”

“Are the… hydraulics not working?” She lifted an eyebrow at him, the amusement clear in her features.

“What? No!” He yelled, making the few people outside look at them. “Look, it’s not… There’s been a lot of things going on lately. The wedding, you not being around, her work, and we’ve been spending a lot of time at the studio.”

“Those are not valid excuses.”

Zacky sighed. “Look, she’s different, I don’t know, when I think about her it just seems important, it has got to be the right time.”

“You want it to be special.” She had to bite her lip to keep herself from laughing. “It’s sweet.”

Zacky crossed his arms. “Are you making fun of me?”

“I am not.” She raised her hands in defense.

They stood in silence for a moment. Zacky was finishing his cigarette, noticing the way Sydney peered at him.

“Now what?”

“Hey, when you’re done, will you braid my hair?” She fluttered her eyelids and laughed like a maniac.

Zacky couldn’t help but laugh as well. “Fuck off.”

“There you are!” Morgan came out of nowhere, a glass of champagne in hand and a big smile on her lips.

Sydney elbowed Zacky “Someone’s already had a bit too much to drink.” She wiggled her eyebrows. “Maybe tonight will be the night.”

“Shut up,” he grunted.

“Hey, what were you two talking about?” Morgan drank the rest of her champagne and placed herself between them, her smile never faltering. She opened her mouth to speak again, but stopped herself as something, or someone behind Sydney made her suddenly sober up.

She turned around, all eyes zeroing on Brian and silence hanging over their heads like something wrong had just happened.

“Can we talk?” Brian looked directly at Sydney.

“Of course.” She could sense the awkwardness Zacky and Morgan shared, as both knew what had happened between them, but Brian didn’t know that they did.

No one moved and no one talked. She didn’t know how long they stood there, the four of them just staring at each other, but it had seemed like eternity.

Brian cleared his throat. “Alone.”

“Oh,” Sydney mumbled. She knew exactly what to say. She didn’t need to talk to him, things between them didn’t need to be sorted out because there was nothing else between them. She took a deep breath, but the words didn’t leave her mouth. There were so many ways she could tell him, but her lips didn’t part.

“Sure.”