From First to Last

I spent most of the night not with Jason, but with Adrian. It was slightly weird for me to not be with Jason in a social situation with people I was so unfamiliar with, but all the alcohol I was consuming was really easing my social anxiety. Adrian had eventually pulled me aside so we could talk one-on-one, and I was really too drunk to properly comprehend what was going on. I was rapidly becoming unable to even stand without toppling over a little.

Adrian and I were in the kitchen, while everyone else was still in the living room. It was around 12am now, and I knew I would regret staying out so late in the morning. I didn’t really care too much though, and I’m sure neither did Jason.

After a little bit of difficulty, I propped myself up onto the counter. Adrian stood in front of me, staring at me and smiling. He wasn’t nearly as drunk as I was, so he was well aware of what was happening in that situation.

“You’re going to kiss me, aren’t you?” I asked. I already knew the answer, but I was hoping I was wrong. I was pretty sure that Jason was watching from the nearby hallway, and I just felt weird knowing that. For some reason, I felt wrong hooking up with someone else even though Jason and I were just friends.

That didn’t stop me though. Adrian bit his lip softly before leaning forward and pressing his lips against mine. It was a very sloppy kiss, possibly due to the alcohol, but he seemed incredibly into it. His hands slid up my thighs, and I had to gently push them away. There was no way I was going there with him. However, he was very persistent. His hands found their way up my dress again, so this time I was more forceful with him. I broke away from the kiss abruptly.

“Hey dude, easy there.” I said. He didn’t really seem to take notice as he stepped closer and connected his mouth to mine again, this time with a lot more force. As much as I wanted to push him away, I knew that I wasn’t physically able to do much to get him to take a step back to the comfortable distance he was at before. Again, his hands travelled where they were not wanted. His fingertips grazed the top band of my underwear, hesitantly giving them a tug. It was then that I had to push him away, although my efforts didn’t really do much. He stumbled a few inches backwards, and enabled me to slide myself off the counter and onto my feet.

I was about to vocalise my protests to him when my thoughts were disrupted by the sound of my name being called from the other side of the kitchen. People had been moving around us to get to certain things in the kitchen but didn’t pay much attention to two random people they might not have known hooking up. However this voice was one that I knew, so I moved my attention to it.

“Avery!” Jason repeated as he hurried towards me from the living room. “I just went and got more vodka. Come drink with me!” I expected him to be mad at me hooking up with one of his friends, but he sounded chirpy. He grabbed onto my forearm, tugging me away from Adrian. I was kind of glad because things in that situation were getting a bit rough, but as we walked away from the kitchen I was stumbling a little. Maybe more drinks weren’t the best idea…

Jason stopped me when we were in the smaller room off the main living room. It was a little less brightly lit as the main room, and there were fewer people, but it was still just as loud and lively. He pushed me gently towards a wall so that I could use it to stabilise myself, but even with the wall’s assistance I was a little wobbly. Jason put a medium-sized plastic cup in my hand, half filled with Red Bull. He handed me a large glass bottle of ice cold Smirnoff in my other hand, and I grinned as I filled the remaining half of the cup with the alcohol. Red Bull and vodka was my favourite because it gave me the best kind of buzz.

“What was happening there before with Adrian?” Jason asked as I took a large gulp of my drink. He was leaning against the wall beside me, turned so he was facing me. He stood close enough so that I could hear him over the music and the loud conversations around us. I scrunched my nose at the mention of Adrian.

“Nothing, he was just being a scumbag. I could have dealt with him!” I said. Jason raised an eyebrow at me, letting out a small laugh before taking a swig straight from the vodka bottle. That impressed me – there was no way I could drink straight vodka like that.

“From what I saw you were doing a real nice job – did I even see a hand up your dress?” he asked with a smirk. I immediately felt weird talking about it with him.

“I told you, I could have handled it…” I was cut off by a tickle running up my leg, over my dress and to my abdomen. It was Jason, and I let out a small squeal before slapping him away. He let out a laugh, allowing himself to fall against the wall a little.

It was in that moment that I got to get a really good look at Jason. Of course I had seen him before, and I knew exactly what he looked like down to a T, but I got to properly take in all his features in a way I hadn’t really noticed before. As he grew older in the years I had gotten closer with him, his level of attractiveness had grown. He had medium-length dirty blonde hair that was pushed back and almost parted down the middle. His eyes were a misty grey-blue that shone an ocean colour in bright lights. His skin was naturally pale, but he spent enough time out in the sun to gain a light brown glow. His lips were almost always curved into a smile, and if he was laughing or grinning his teeth would gleam through his lips, the whites almost glistening. He was gawky and awkward-looking as an adolescent, but grew into his features and began working on his body a lot more during his later years of high school and especially his early years of university. He was well toned and incredibly fit. He was basically textbook attractive. Almost sexy…

Wait. Was I really thinking of Jason in that way? Jason, the guy who had basically been my older brother ever since I was 9 years old?

Shut up. Don’t be stupid and desperate, I mentally scolded myself. This is Jason we’re talking about! Your best friend!

Even though I was trying to empty my mind of those unusual thoughts, when I was looking at Jason in that moment, something inside my mind just clicked. I wasn’t sure if I was because of the alcohol or because all my stress and worry had finally caused my mind to just snap, but my brain just stopped working in its usual way. All of a sudden, I really wanted to kiss my best friend.

To make matters worse, he was looking at me in the same way. His eyes were staring into my eyes deeply, and then travelled down to my lips – just as I had done to him before. We weren’t saying anything, just staring at each other.

I suddenly felt deeply insecure knowing he was staring at me like that. I mean, I had studied his features so intently that I noticed every little bit, even the feint little freckle next to the side of his mouth. If he was doing the same to me, what if he noticed the various imperfections I had? Despite the copious amounts of makeup I lathered onto my face, my acne scars were more than noticeable against the pale colour of my face. I had dark circles around my eyes that no amount of makeup could completely hide. I had splotchy marks across my shoulders and chest. I couldn’t bare him looking at me – really looking at me – when I was as insecure as I was then.

Jason broke the train of my thoughts with a quiet whisper. He was standing close enough that he didn’t really need to speak very loud. “If I tell you something, will you promise not to laugh?”

A whole range of options rushed through my head. What was he going to say? Was he going to tell me something embarrassing about me? I hated how self-obsessed all my thoughts were sounding, so I forced them all out of my head.

“You know you can tell me anything, Mr. Hayes. I won’t laugh, I solemnly swear it.” I said, also speaking quietly. Jason was still staring right into my eyes, and he was trying to hold in laughter.

“Don’t look now, but the guy over there totally just peed himself,” he pointed over to where a guy was passed out on a lounge, a massive wet patch staining the front of his jeans. As soon as I looked at him, I burst out in laughter, but Jason’s hand covered my mouth so that I wouldn’t make any noise. His hand was incredibly cold against my face.

“I told you not to laugh! That dude is the party host!” Jason scolded while almost laughing himself. After I stopped giggling, his hand moved from my mouth to the side of my face, gently stroking my cheek and my jawline. Oh shit, he’s going to kiss me. Quick, leave the room! Push him away! Don’t let this happen!
The rational thoughts in my brain were trying so desperately to gain control of my body. I knew that the right thing to do in that situation was to just get the hell away from it, and avoid the potential ruining of our friendship.

But, of course, I didn’t do any of that. I stood, frozen, simply watching as Jason’s lips pressed gently on mine.

And in that moment, everything changed.