12 a.m.

“Come on Dom, work those muscles I envy so much. MOVE!”

Jackie was laughing at my words and I could see Dominic’s already reddened face turn into a deeper color. “One day Ben, you’ll see just a flash of black when I knock you to the floor with my powerful stride.” He steadied his grip on the handles and dragged his feet forward the last few steps before settling down into his wheelchair.

“Good, you’re making progress, less whining this time.” Dominic gave me a distasteful look and wheeled over to Jackie who sat on one of the stretching benches, doing some yoga stretches herself. She was laughing at me when her gaze shifted towards the door behind me.

I turned, only to be met by Johnny, my colleague. “Coming to see Dom get his ass whopped?” My smile faded when I saw the look on Johnny’s face.

“Ben…”

“What’s wrong Johnny?”

“It’s Stella.” He said grimly. “She’s been in an accident, and she’s here, they just brought her to the ER.”

I stormed through the closed doors to the emergency room, Johnny right on my heels. It seemed to take forever for the doors to glide aside or for my feet to move, everything seemed to be moving slower. I looked back at Johnny. “What happened?”

Johnny started walking faster to catch up to me, and when we were side by side he said: “I don’t know all the details, but it seems she was in a car crash, there was a motorcycle involved and she hit the side of a building.”

“How do you know this and I don’t? She’s my wife for God’s sake.” I felt my insides quiver at the images that where playing inside my head.

“They couldn’t reach you, so they left a message by the front desk, your work number. I happened to be there checking through some patient files when I heard Stella’s name. It’s a quite unusual name so I asked to speak with whoever was calling and…” He was rambling and so I interrupted him.

“How is she?” Guilt and worry drowned me, making it hard to breathe.

“Ben?” I’d stopped walking and Johnny put his hand on my shoulder, a worried expression on his face. “Don’t worry until we know more. She’s in good hands, you know that.” He sounded so calm and in control, when it felt like I was going to break in half.

“Ben…” We were met by an ER nurse just before I reached the doors to the operating rooms, I think her name was Danielle. “Stop, you know you can’t go in there.” The nurse blocked the entrance and Johnny grabbed me by the arm, halting my stride forward.

“But she’s my wife! I need to be there.”

“No Ben, you have to stay away, you’re to no use in there, and you don’t need to see her like that.” Johnny turned me around to face him. I could see all the worry and anguish reflected in his eyes that I felt inside myself.

I was about to defy him, but suddenly all my willpower left me, Stella was in there, maybe fighting for her life. So instead I turned back to the nurse. “How is she? What happened?”

“I don’t know every detail, but it seems that a truck hit the side of your wife’s car when trying to avoid a speeding motorcycle in an intersection, the truck was also driving too fast so Stella’s car flipped and collided with the side of a building, the damages…” The nurse looked away at the last words and I felt my insides melt to a hard piece of stone.

“My God…” Johnny murmured quietly beside me.

“How is she?” I had to muster all my strength to get the words out.

“She had a severe concussion and some broken ribs, that’s how much the paramedics were able to diagnose on site, she is most likely in shock as well, because there was some blood loss. I’m sorry that I can’t tell you more, but they will update you as soon as possible.” Her pager started beeping and she excused herself.

Johnny and I were shown into a waiting room to wait for more news. It felt strange being the one to wait for news, when I was usually the one giving some, either bad or good. This time it was I who was praying for the doctors, many of whom were my friends, to save her. It was awful, the wait, the unknown, the not knowing if she would be alright or not. I sighed heavily and buried my face in my hands.

“She will be alright. She’s in great hands and she’s a touch cookie.” Johnny, who was sitting in the chair to my left, put his hand on my shoulder and squeezed. Unfortunately his words gave me no comfort.

I raked my fingers through my hair and looked straight ahead, at the closed door, willing someone to walk through it to tell me this was a big misunderstanding. But nothing happened. My focus shifted from the door to the clock hanging above it. For the next two hours and 37 minutes we sat unmoving, so still that the only sign that Johnny was still beside me was the rising of his chest when he inhaled and exhaled.

The first thing I saw of the person when he stepped inside was his shoes. My gaze was lowered and it took a while before I reacted. The shoes looked comfortably worn, and at some point they’d been a bright green, but after much use they looked more like a muddy version of the original color. Suddenly I realized that I knew those shoes, I’d made fun of those shoes several times during my years at the hospital.

“Karl?” In my confusion I looked up, and surely enough I was met by the East Coast’s most skilled neurologist, still dressed in dark green scrubs with the matching scrub cap covering his damp forehead and scruffy dark hair. Karl was a close friend and coworker, as many of his patients later became mine to take care of.

Karl didn’t speak, he just shut the door behind him and stepped closer. Johnny got to his feet and so did I. My knees protested to the sudden movement, and I leaned into Johnny to steady myself.

“Should I leave?” His question was directed at Karl, but I answered.

“You can stay.”

Our eyes shifted back to Karl. “How is she?” My voice sounded hoarse, nothing like my usual tone.
Karl took a deep breath, but stayed quiet.

“Just say it.” I said when the silence became too much to bare.

“I’m sorry Ben, this is difficult to say. It’s bad, I can’t lie, but she’s alive and stable.” My heart sank at his words, when one scenario after the other played up in my mind. I let out the breath I’d been holding, now knowing that she was alive, but the pain in my chest didn’t ease, she wasn’t out of the water yet.

“That’s…” Johnny was about to say something, but stopped midsentence.

“Go on Karl, what’s her situation? Tell me!” The last words came out almost like a scream.

“She has a severe concussion, so she’s been put in a coma to ease the swelling on her brain. She has four broken ribs and a fracture in her left arm… and…” Karl stopped again and lowered his gaze. He started fiddling with his wedding ring, a sign that he was nervous. “You of all people…jiises… it’s so unfair…” Suddenly it sounded like he was talking more to himself than me.

“Karl, you’re not making any sense, what’s going on?” My nerves were killing me.

“The impact was severe not only to her head, but her back as well, she…” Before he finished his sentence I knew. I knew why it was Karl giving me the news, why the situation was so bad and what it all meant. My knees went weak, only Johnny kept me from falling.

“Stella is paralyzed from the waist down.” The words hit me like a physical blow.

“No…” I couldn’t say anything else, there was nothing more to say.

Karl said something more, but I didn’t catch it. It seemed that my entire being had gone into some kind of self-preservation mode, where the pain wouldn’t be as bad. But it was, my heart ached and I had trouble breathing. I’d helped hundreds of people accept their situation after they learned the inevitable fact that they would never walk again. I always preached the importance of hope and high spirits; that sometimes a miracle could happen, but now as I faced the situation myself, it was easy to fall into despair anyways.

Johnny brought me back to the present with a careful pat on my shoulder. “Benjamin, let’s go see her.” I could no more than stare at him as I felt my feet start to move.

I woke at some point, realizing that I’d fallen asleep again in that uncomfortable chair they’d put out for me. I wasn’t sure what had woken me up. I looked down at my phone, saw it was just creeping up to midnight and looked around again. Stella’s eyes were still shut, and her breathing was stable.
I carefully got to my feet, making sure that I wouldn’t wake her. I stretched my aching limbs and walked back and forward a few times to get the blood flowing again in my legs, because it felt like they’d fallen asleep as well.

I glanced over at Stella once more before I left the room. Again the nurses had been kind enough for me to stay past vising hours and let me fall asleep close to Stella. It was hard for me to sleep now, when she wasn’t beside me.

“Hi Ben, how’s Stella?” The night nurse greeted me with a smile and offered me a chilled bottle of water. Her smile was gentle, but I could tell she was feeling sorry for me.

“A sore neck, but nothing I can’t handle Jessie. Thanks for letting me stay late again, always appreciate it.” I gave a small wave before exiting the floor and building. A few minutes later I sat in my car, driving home to yet a lonely bed. I would sleep a few hours, take a shower and be back again at the crack of dawn, just like I’d done so far.

Hey there.” My voice sounded nothing like it should. It was weak and heavy with sorrow.

She rewarded me with a weak smile and wet her dry lips. “Hey stranger.” Her voice was barely a whisper, but it was enough for my eyes to tear up. I squeezed her hand carefully, still unsure if I was dreaming. She had been in a coma for 8 days and every second I’d sat by her side I’d wished for her to wake; now that she had I felt my chest tighten again.

“What happened?” Her voice was so low that I almost didn’t catch her question.

I took a deep breath. “You were in an accident.”

“Mmh…The motorcycle.” She sighed and shifted her gaze away from me and looked up at the ceiling. After a few seconds her eyes shut again and she was asleep.

I let out a deep sigh, realizing I’d been holding my breath while she spoke. I let go of her hand and stood up from the uncomfortable chair I’d been sitting in for the last week. I paced the room a few times before the door opened and Karl stepped in. Apparently he was going home for the day, because he was wearing a blazer and jeans instead of his typical scrubs and lab coat.

“I heard Stella opened her eyes, had to see it for myself.” He gave me a smile and closed the door as he stepped inside.

“Yeah.” It was all I could muster before I broke down.

Karl came to me and embraced me, letting me get it out. “The human body and mind is stronger than you might think Ben, you of all people should know that. She’s going to be alright, it’s not the end of the world.”

After a few minutes I felt the tears drain and I could breathe again. Karl let me go and looked over at Stella, still sleeping.

“Thanks for everything Karl. I know you have your own family to think about, without having to worry about us.” My voice sounded hoarse.

“You are my extended family Ben. We’ve been working together for many years and you’re one of my closest friends. I had the responsibility of saving Stella, and I know what it would have meant if you lost her.” He still didn’t look at me as he continued: “I’m just sorry that I can’t do more.”

“That would require a miracle.” I didn’t like how my voice took on a harsher edge.

“Sometimes even scientists want to believe.” At that he turned his gaze to me and I could see sympathy in his eyes.

“I face this situation every day at work, now I just have to adapt to it at home as well.”

“She is here with you and that’s the most important thing you have to focus on. She might not be able to walk now, but as you know being paralyzed is not always permanent.” His words hit me hard once more, just as it had when he gave me the news after the surgery.

“I should call Liv again, she would want to know.” Liv, or Olivia, was one of Stella’s younger sisters, she’d been with me during the first few days, sharing the pain and anguish after I told her. Olivia was one of those who knew what to do in a crisis, it was her job after all, to recognize the situation and fix it, but when it hit her own family she was just as lost as I was. Even so, I was relieved when she was the one who called Stella’s family to give them the news. I know it should have been me, but I just couldn’t do it, telling Liv had already drained me.

“You should. To be alone now is not doing you any good. They should all be here.” Stella’s family was staying with Olivia, since her parents lived across the country and Stella’s and Olivia’s youngest sister studied abroad at the moment. They’d all visited and broken down in tears when they’d found out about Stella’s condition.

Stella had been awake for almost exactly two weeks when the physical therapy began. I’d wanted to be the one to take care of her, but Karl and Stella had refused me, so it was Johnny who knocked on the door that morning. Since I’d trust Johnny with my own life, I knew there was no one better to take care of Stella than he.

I walked alongside Johnny, silent as I pushed the wheelchair Stella was sitting in. They were talking, Johnny explaining the steps to Stella’s therapy and how it would progress. I felt helpless in a way I’d never experienced before. I’d taken care of people that I knew would never walk again, seen their pain, misery and depression. I’d seen some become stronger, but I’d also seen some fall into a depression so deep that I didn’t think they would find their way back.

I’d stayed awake several nights, worrying how Stella would react and felt an overpowering helplessness at the thought that she would pull away from me. I’d worried in vain. After I told Stella about her situation she stayed quiet for a long time, but when she spoke again she just shrugged and explained to me with such clarity that she wasn’t sad, just afraid that she would lose me.
In that moment I loved my wife more than words could ever explain. I would never leave her, if anything the accident had taught me how fragile life really was.

Stella had a long conversation with her family as well. There had been the denial, the belief that she would walk again any day. There had been anger, anger at the driver of the motorcycle and at everything and nothing. There had been the bargaining, talking to the doctors, to me about fixing Stella somehow. There had also been the depression, Stella felt it, I felt it and her family felt it.
But I think in the end we’d all come to accept the situation as it was. Stella might not walk again, but she was still herself and among us. Olivia and Rose still had their sister, and Stella’s parents still had three girls and I still had the love of my life beside me.