Falling in Love All Over Again

Jack sighed angrily as he walked into the bathroom, he wasn't even really angry with Alex, more so himself for snapping at his best friend like that, he knew he needed help, he needed help a lot but he wasn't going to admit that to himself right now. He ran his fingers through his hair and slid down against the bathroom door, he was broken and he knew that. The events that happened more than ten years ago now were hurting him more than they ever had, he didn't even know why, but he knew that right now he needed Alex back more than anything, he needed to be able to kiss Alex, to cuddle with him, to much around with him, just to be happy with him, but he doubted that Alex wanted to be with him anymore, and Alex's words from this morning did nothing more than prove to Jack that, yes, Alex didn't want him anymore, he didn't need him anymore, that he was nothing more than a best friend to Alex which was better than them hating each other Jack guessed, but he wanted more, he wanted Alex to be his boyfriend again, he wanted them to be together again, happy with each other, making the bother boys on the bus cringe by how much they were in love with each other. Jack shook his head and dismissed those happy thoughts of them being together, he didn't deserve that, he didn't deserve to be happy with Alex, Alex deserved more than him, much more than him, he deserved someone who would't snap at him like that, someone who was good to him, someone who wasn't as fucked up as he was, he deserved so much more than Jack, at least that's what he thought. The skunk haired boy eventually stood up and ran his fingers through his hair again with a sigh he scrambled through the small drawers in their tour bus bathroom and looked for his new addiction, his razors. He knew he was pathetic and stupid for becoming addicted to this stupid metal blade, but he'd heard of fans saying how much it helped, even if the help was temporary it worked for a while, for a small amount of relief and that's all that he needed really, just a small amount of freedom, some time without the mental pain in his head. He pulled out the shiny metal object from his small toiletry bag, he knew no one would look through it so he didn't both hiding it too much, he looked at it and lifted up his shirt revealing his many cuts and scars, he rarely went deep so there weren't very many scars, only a few, and dragged it across his skin, he didn't know why, he didn't know why he did this to himself, he rarely did when doing it, all he knew was that it helped a lot, it was like drinking or smoking, or something like that, it gave him a moment of relief, a small amount of time to think, just to be free from his thoughts before he went back to be unhappy with himself and hating the world around him. The razor went over his skin 6 times before he put it away and he cleaned himself up, he sighed and placed it back into his bag and put it away in the same spot it was in before to make it look like it hadn't been touched, like it had never been used today and quickly cleaned himself up, he pulled his shirt down, wincing as the fabric caught his cuts but he ignored it for the most part, he knew this would happen, he'd done it enough times to know the consequences of his freedom, it helped when it happened, but the aftermath was the worst part, hiding them, making sure he other boys didn't see his cuts, going back to his old self after it was all done. Before Jack could exited the bathroom he heard a knock at the door which made him jump, it was only then he realized how long he'd actually been in the bathroom and it was probably a bit suspicious to the other boys.

"Jay," someone called out, Jack instantly recognized the voice as Alex's, the only voice he didn't want to hear right now, but the voice that he so desperately needed. "Are you alright, you've been in there for ages and the boys and I are starting to get worried?" The boy asked.
"Yeah I am sorry, I'm just thinking, I didn't realize how long I'd been in here for, sorry," Jack said quickly he words all mashing together into one big ramble, that probably wasn't good it was probably quite clear to Alex that something was wrong, and he didn't need more questions right now, he just needed silence and Alex's arms wrapped around him, but he doubted that would happen.
"You sure you're alright, you seem to be doing a lot of thinking lately? I know that you do think a lot but I've never seen you think this much for such long periods of time and I've never seen you be so defensive about it?" Alex asked, his voice was a lot soft and sweeter than before, which made Jack smile, Alex had learnt that the accusing wasn't good, that was one of his favourite things about Alex, that he learnt quickly and if he did something that someone didn't like he'd quickly fix up his mistake and Jack was grateful for that, there weren't many people like that around him, the world needed more Alex's.
"Yeah I'm fine, I promise, just a lot on my mind lately," Jack said quietly, it wasn't a complete lie, it just wasn't the whole truth. He opened the door and gave Alex a small smile, "M'fine I promise, just tour is taking its toll on me right now I guess and I'm missing home," Jack said with a shrug and Alex nodded in understanding, wrapping his arms around his best friend and pulled him in for a hug.
"I know, I'm sorry for snapping at you before like I did before, I didn't mean to, I was just caught up in everything, I'm just stressed about everything and I'm worried about you that's all, I don't like seeing you so upset and just so quiet, it's not normal and I get worried," Alex said quietly burying his face into Jack's shoulder, he could tell that Alex's apology was sincere and he meant every word, and Jack was glad, he sighed and wrapped his arms around Alex tightly and kissed his head.
"M'sorry too, I didn't mean to snap, I just don't like being accused of things, and you know that, and I just got upset, I really am sorry Lexy," Jack said and pulled back from the hug, "I'm tired, can you stay with me until I fall asleep please?" Jack asked, he knew it was a long shot, that it probably wasn't going to happen, but it was worth a shot.
"Of course Jay, and it's alright I know you don't like being accused and I should've remembered but I was just worried that's all," Alex said flashing Jack a small smile and lead him towards his bunk.

The two boys walked back towards Jack's bunk and Jack got in first Alex quickly followed him, Alex quickly closed the curtain and wrapped his arms around Jack's lanky body and held on to him tightly. Jack smiled softly and nuzzled his face into Alex's chest, it was times like this in which he would pretend, pretend that they were together, that they were happy, that he could kiss Alex if he wanted to, it was rare for that to happen, but he liked to pretend that he was happy and didn't have the thought of kissing razors on his mind all of the time, he liked to pretend that they were happy together, that he was happy for once in his life, that they were happy like they were back in high school. He knew they'd never be like that again, that their relationship was over but it was nice to pretend that they were together.
"Don't leave please," Jack whispered quietly and looked up at Alex, he so desperately wanted to kiss Alex but he knew he couldn't do that, Alex would reject him and he couldn't handle that, not right now, not ever really.
"I promise I won't Jay," Alex said quickly and moved his hands up to play with Jack's hair, "I won't leave, not even when you're asleep," Alex promised, Jack hadn't meant it like that, but he wasn't about to correct Alex, he smiled softly.
"Thank you," Jack said and with that he fell asleep.

Maybe one day Jack's pretending would become a reality, maybe.