Actors

POV Jack

Actors - Chapter Five

*this chapter is introducing the depth of Jack when he is sad and when he goes onto these little ‘moods’. It implies self-harm and other things…just letting you knows if you don’t like these sorts of book or whatever…*

The nightmares never really stopped coming. My dream state was taken over by my subconscious and I never really could decipher what was real and whatnot. My mind traced into unknown territory that was forbidden and uncalled for. All the time I spent every day trying to hide the pain and dodge every possible trigger, I was always brought back by this one possible aspect, the fights.

I didn’t get over the fight Zack and I had. I was half expecting Zack to come over and apologise, or even text me. But no, nothing happened. It was selfish for me to even think so. I brought this upon myself and I hated it.

I was pathetic. Always, always! I tried to fix things and with all honestly I break them. I ruin them. That all I have ever done break things, I broke our friendship. I broke my mother, my father and his dreams. I ruined them.

I’ve tried too hard. To be liked, to like people, get to know them, help them…I’ve put others before myself. I am the one that’s needs help. And ironically I’m not always right. I put others needs before my own. Most of my little outbursts or inner thought, I leave unattended and focus on others.

Zack is right; I’ve fucked up myself and my life too much. My mother hates me, I understand that. I’ve fucked up Rian and Zack; I bet the fight was over me anyway… (Did I mention things always have to revolve around me?) I hang around people that are bad influences. Funny isn’t it that they are the only ones that listen and care for me, right?

When my father left, the memories stayed, as I said, nightmares. No one else but Zack and Rian knew about the beatings (my mother knew, of course, she ignored them…). I still remember the day I told them. It was hard and I was a mess by the end of it. Rian was crying and Zack looked so sad. We all came closer, I think, and was more like brothers by the end of it.

When my father went the only thing that was left of him was his guitar, an old acoustic one. It was his first one and had so much play it was basically nothing to me, well when I was younger. The sick thing is I wanted to learn. It reminded me of him and I needed that to live, to know that secretly I would be pleasing someone, becoming like them, just waiting for someone to ruin me, forever waiting.

I played and I played, not caring if it was when I was sad or when I was happy. I deserved the sadness, that’s all I brought.

I told them about my beatings. I was younger than four but the memories are clear. I remember him coming home for a hard fucking day in the office and after settling in for the evening, he came up to me, I was colouring or watching batman cartoons but he ruined it, beating me until bruises covered my face, down my body and everything hurt. I had learnt not to cry, that only asked him for more, more endless hurting, more kicks, punches, everything happened and my fragile body couldn’t take it.

As a growing kid I was extremely under fed and now I guess that shows. I wasn't an eating-disorder but I was punished. My bones are now just weak and for my immune system, it’s as crap as I could ever be.

That’s why I don’t eat much now-a-days. It’s by habit and still from where my father left, we had and still have no money so things are still the same. I am a lanky, bony teenager that still had no chest hair and is in the awkward stage of puberty. Fucking sucks.

Not eating as much when I have the chance gives me control. Sick control, one that's grasping can be let go for a second then instantly lost.

It's weird because all of this told me to never give up. I haven't given up on guitar because I continue to be liked to be tortured by myself conscious.

***

The nightmares...they are basically my last experiences mashed into what happened. I dream of Zack beating me. I mean who wouldn't after the low blow I have him. He has done so much for me and I cannot find a single way to actually apologize to him.

I hadn't heard or seen Rian after 'the incident'. I should really grow the fuck up.

As I said before my mother went away and I didn't see her until the last day of the mid-term break. She forced to drop by and get more clothes. She didn’t bother giving me anymore money so I continued to eat whatever was there.

I all honestly I barely left the house, only for work, of course. My hair, already bad and terrible, cut stupidly and now over grown. It hangs around my eyes, like a blanket of darkness. I looked like a mess.

I spent countless hours alone in my rooms playing guitar, watching movies and feeling sorry for myself.

In times like these I had no motivation. I was a walking disaster. I didn't compute anything and most things were forgotten. I shouldn't be alone in times like these. People normally insist on seeing someone who can "fix" me. But that will just drain the last of our money.

Work was a struggle. I worked at a news agent’s store that sells magazines, office stationary, lotto tickets...ugh, too many things.

I find it entertaining watching all the "scene kids". The ones totally into the music talking loudly about their favourite bands, the newest song on the album that just came out! Talking about how hot the lead singer is...omg!

I can understand the ignorance. It’s all a part of growing up. They are in the middle of the awkward stages, yet undeveloped…and I’m getting creepy.

Most of them are twelve year olds and highly annoying. Once they come in and purchase their Kerang! magazines, Rocksound or AP. just talking about the posters that are going to be on the wall. It irritates me so much, people get their names wrong, and ignores the rest of the band, all their attention on the lead singer. But the thing is that they judge you, the little prissy girls with the wannabe fringes and quite frankly, shocking attitudes. I’m not saying this is for all, but it’s one thing that pisses me off.

Its one thing to come into a store and act like this but also to judge and actually talk loudly and judge the person who is right in-fucking-front of you is another. Stupid twelve year olds made me feel so insecure about me and I let them walk all over me. – My hate levels rising.

All and all I didn't do anything, my holidays went too quickly and I actually wish I spent more time actually relaxing than being highly-strung, like always, but I can't change that.

It’s like leaving your phone on the charger of the night only waking up to find it hasn't been plugged it properly. Little things like these compare to how I was feeling.

Days went by and nothing was working, I felt worse and worse has the sad rolled. At school I put all my effort into being happy, I just don't understand why it takes a toll now. I just couldn't keep up with the way my thoughts were swimming.

The memories and all the things I had done to ruin or create and make things bad increased on days like these. I was left by myself and with only one thing to do.

I fought with all my might but had to give in. I had no choice. I had to do it now or else it would escalate to a braking point and I would do so more damage.

***

I felt pathetic and dimly remember ghosting my way over to the bathroom. It was like I was on auto-pilot. I didn’t mean to, I swear…it just happened.

Things just dimed out for the night, my mind was at ease but the rush of regret hit me. I really shouldn’t have gone that far. I felt dirty and discussing. The dull ache that radiated from my arm, rubbed and burnt against my jumper and tears spilt from my eyes. The last time I had ever done it was ages ago and I had promised Zack and Rian I would stop.

I think it would be funny to tell them now and see the looks on their faces. A part of me thinks that they would be upset and then another think that they wouldn’t care. The abandoned me right? Leaving me to bask, yet again, in my sadness…

I was feeling regret but also feeling the bubbling sensation of anger rising throughout my veins. They cut me off. I didn’t do wrong, but I did! More tears spilt down my face, blurring my vision. I was really crying and heavy sobs were escaping.

I didn’t go back to work.

I didn’t bother with Zack or Rian.

Frank was caught up with Gerard.

My Mother wasn’t even there.

I was alone with the one thing that hates me the most, myself.

***
I was already at the school gate before anyone I remotely knew roamed the campus. I was shaven, my hair was (barely) styled and I was not at all exited.
Everyone else was happy, happy to see their friends. The girls were talking really fast and replaying their break from start to finish.

I was totally uninterested in life right now. It was going to be a fairly hot day and I was cursed into wearing my hoddie all day. I didn’t regret the other night just the cuts have become more trouble than necessary. The constant itching and that pain that comes when pressed against the fabric of my jumper. I just guess it’s all a part of the thing, ya know?

It didn’t really bother me and I wasn’t so upset I wouldn’t have been bothered with covering them up. About 70% of the time they would go unnoticed because I wouldn’t have any fuss over them. But that was a while ago and people would just think of them as accidents or just normal cuts and bruises. It is quiet easy to lie about them because people know me a supposably “happy” and not sad, sad as in ‘sad’ sad.

The school looked clean and just a little too clean. It’s like they wanted us to be optimistic about going back to school. I just decided to walk about. I didn’t expect much to come from today, and that was okay. I saw Frank and Gerard walking around and holding hands. I wasn’t bitter about that; Frank gave me a wave and smile. Gerard looked up and said something to Frank. I was too far away to hear but they came over to me.

“Where were you? Everybody has been talking about you, you were basically unreachable, and all your friends are worried about you.” He said and looked up into my eyes. He looked so small and worried. I didn’t understand. Those words that came out came like they came from the heart. He was actually worried.
“I understand that you closed us off, and buddy, I understand. I want you to know you are like a brother to me and I want to care for you.”

“Zack and Rian came over to my house saying they were looking EVERYWHERE for you! You had me worried. You had Zack and Rian worried. Hayley said she saw you and you looked dead, like really dead. No functioning properly and like you went even there. Seriously man, don’t disappear okay” Frank went on and on.

Gerard sort of pitched in too, on the Making-Jack-Feel-Bad lecture, he nodded and agreed. Frank looked distort. He was so into the speech, spilling out all his worries, he started to cry. Tears welled up in his eyes, smearing his eyeliner and punk rock attitude.

Gerard held him and I felt even guiltier. Frank cared, he really cared. He could see past all my bullshit and fucking hell, he cared.

Frank, the smaller boy, reaching up to my shoulders, gave me the biggest hug in the world. Crushing me in his embrace, I returned the favour, not by crushing him, but letting my arms hold him. I was so lucky to have Frank.

The two boys left me after Frank promised me that he’d touch base with me in math. I hadn’t spoken a word, to either of them and overall, I really didn’t have the energy to.

I saw more and more people. They called out my name and waved, I smiled and waved back, I didn’t know them particularly well so I didn’t want the trouble of people talking behind my back, wondering what’s wrong. Josh came up to me and he stared going on about how the newest episode of Doctor Who came out. Scolding me on how I missed it, for the first time I answered saying I had too much work. I put on my smile and laughed. Josh told me about his girl who he met. Apparently she was ‘golden’. His ‘The One’. He could already see a future for them and I congratulated. Josh seemed less conserved about my whereabouts on the break, which was quite refreshing due to Frank’s encounter.

The school buzzed with more and more people and I was starting to see hope and optimism for the day. Well, maybe it’s not my weekend, but it’s going to be my year, my thoughts told me.

As soon as I saw a glimpse of the shaven-haired boy, he was on to me, dragging the taller and muscular boy along. I stood there, not sure how to covey my emotions but ne quite sure what my emotions on the situation were. It’s funny how someone so down and upset, being upset over what happened concerning the pair that were walking towards me could be turned around by the quick sign of affection. Sometimes I questioned my own sanity.

Both of them stopped right before me and there was that awkward silence. No one knew really, what do you say? After about two weeks of silence do you really go up and be casual, saying hellos and pretending what’s normal? Do you try to resolve the problem?

All I can say is that there was not a lot of speaking.

We all stood facing each other. Zack and Rian stood in front of me and I was losing, in my mind. Rian started.

"Jack..." he breathed. He looked into my eyes and I feared he saw right through me. "...we didn't hear from you...um...-" Rian was cut off by Zack.

"...I'm sorry Jack. With all I did and all I said, I shouldn't of done that and in front of everyone...it's unforgivable, I'm sorry...you have no reason to forgive me-"

"and me" butted in Rian.

"So, were really sorry...." they finished.

I couldn't help myself. I erupted with laughter. They had memorized this, I assumed. Any feeling of sadness was rid from the one cure, laughter.

They looked at me like I was completely mad. I guess that wasn't a lie.

Now just a note, I have these mood swings all the time. If I am angry and sad because you did something and then see you, I forgive straight away. It’s weird and I don't know entirely why. I am probably just too forgiving.

"What? no I’m okay...I lost my phone, if you were trying to call me, I’m sorry - I didn't have it"

lie, I had it with me the whole time.

Zack looked relieved.

"Oh, thank god, I was calling you and texting you, no wonder you didn't answer."

Lie again, I knew that.

I smiled; I wanted things to be back to the way they were before, no drama, and no new people in our lives. I wanted things to be exactly the way they were before.