Lily

‘’How do you know when it's over?’’ I asked myself out loud while I kept thinking why I let things go that far while I kept my mouth shut.

I should have spoken up. I should have told him that I wasn’t stupid enough to not realize another woman’s perfume on his suit or the red lipstick on his tie. I should have told him that when he called my name instead of hers, I could see that his eyes didn’t have the spark they used to have when he used to call my name while claiming he loved me, ‘’Lily! I love you, Lily.’’

Why didn’t I say anything?

Because I was afraid.

What was I so afraid of?

Losing him.

Why should I feel so afraid of losing someone who didn’t care about me enough to keep his penis inside his pants?

Because I truly loved him.

Yes. My love for him was true, but what about his?

His kind of love…it wasn’t love. He lied, he kept secrets and he cheated.

And that brought me to the main question dancing around in my head. ‘’How do you know when it’s over? How?’’ I asked myself again, just because I couldn’t ask him. Tears ran down my eyes as I held tightly the bottle of bittersweet whiskey in my right hand. I pushed my back against the armchair and let the bottle rest on the old, small table after taking a long sip from it. I let the alcohol burn my throat as I drowned my love in misery. Then it hit me, and it hit me hard.

‘’Maybe when you feel more in love with your memories than with the person standing in front of you.’’ The words come out of my mouth without me realizing it. I could imagine him answering to me using that sentence. I knew he cared for me, but he wasn’t in love anymore. Maybe he didn’t want to hurt me but he had fallen out of love.

Had I fallen out of love as well?

No.

Did I still care?

I cared.

Could I keep living like this?

Not anymore.

I wouldn’t keep living in the illusion I had created while trying to hold onto my hope. I couldn’t be able to live with him while being chained to the fear of losing him and my soul will never heal. I kept hoping he would change, that he would get bored with her and return to me. How foolish!

I knew from the start that I wouldn’t be able to breathe when it was all said and done, when we would be over... But then again, I was never able to breathe, not even when I was with him. I couldn’t believe it took me so long to finally master the courage to put an end to this…and just like that I stayed there, drinking, and while waiting for him, I knew I wasn’t ready for this – but it was now or never.