Write It Down, Without a Sound

June 3rd

Dear Journal,
Today is my last day home and I had a pretty good panic attack this morning. Five seconds after I woke up actually, barely had my eyes open and already I was leaning over the side of my bed trying to throw up. Not the best way to wake up, but at least it gave me a clear head for the rest of the day.

I probably shouldn’t write things like that in here in case someone reads it but it sort of feels important that I do, for some strange reason. It may help, who knows.

Today was one hell of a busy day. The saying ‘running around like a chook with its head cut off’ would be an understatement. Pat came over to help, which was lovely of him considering I really needed it. Spending most of the time on the road defiantly has taught him how to pack a suitcase properly. If he hadn’t of helped I would have thrown my clothes into a plastic rubbish bag and be done with it. I actually did that for a family holiday trip not too long ago. It worked quite well until the bag broke.

Even though I am going on this tour, I’m still undecided if I really want to. I’d like to think this would help, that this would be different, make things different. Honestly I’m just scared to death. I don’t know the guys really well, more “casual friends” than anything at this point and now I’m going to live with them on a bus for roughly two months. Sort of hard to wrap my head around it, it’s happened so fast without warning or any real time to sit down and think over every detail. That and I’d be the only girl on the bus, not that that fazes me much, but it’s going to be strange. The whole living on a bus thing is going to be strange. I’ve been camping in caravans, tents and camper busses before, but that’s only two weeks at most and on solid ground. I have never been car sick before but I wonder if the bus moving would affect me.

I wonder if any of the guys know sign language. I haven’t thought to ask. Probably should.

Probably should go to bed too, early morning tomorrow and John’s picking me up to take me to his place, where the bus should arrive around nine-ish. Hopefully I can get a good night’s sleep; I have a feeling that I’ll be up ‘till at least two in the morning though. Doesn’t hurt to try, I guess.
‘night.

June 4th

Dear Journal,
Well today was, well, interesting to say the least.

It’s not quiet five o’clock yet but seeing as the guys are going to have a movie-celebration-for-the-start-of-tour thingy tonight after we stop somewhere for dinner, now was probably the best time as any to write here.

Honestly, I’m not sure exactly what to write. Everything is like a whirlwind in my head at the moment so it’s probably best to just start with what happened today, right?

Well, John turned up at ass o’clock in the morning blearing his car horn for two minutes straight (I bet five bucks with dad that would happen. He lost. Haha) and woke up half of the neighbourhood - all the dogs at least. He and mum helped me pack last minute things and get into the car. I actually worried I had too much stuff (small suitcase for clothes, backpack and laptop bag) but as it turned out I had nothing compared to most of the guys.

It was hard to say goodbye to my parents, knowing that I won’t see them for so long. I think this might be the farthest and longest trip away from them I’d ever had. Usually I’m with my brother or someone close that is an extra communicator for me and this time I have no one. It’s going to be hard not having a person like that around. I’m a little scared about that to be honest. I have to remember to have something with me everywhere I go, namely a notebook.

Mum made a Skype account yesterday to keep in contact with me, other than by phone. Hopefully she’ll remember how to use it. I can see arguments happening between her and my brother over the computer already.

The bus turned up at John’s house right on time and after we all piled on with our gear, we were off. It’s quite a nice tour bus, fancy without being ridiculously so and well equipped with just enough room to move around without stepping on too many toes. I got to pick my bunk first, which was really nice of everyone and I picked one in the row closest to the kitchen/front lounge and was a top bunk. I know those things are meant to be really good but I not comfortable with someone sleeping above me. I also picked it because if I ever needed anyone’s attention it was the most see-able one from the main part of the bus.

The back lounge is pretty cool too with Xbox and Jared’s PS3. Should make for some fun nights.

Other than scoping out the bus we’ve all just mainly sat around as the road moved under us. I hope I don’t have trouble sleeping with how the bus moves, seeing as I can’t sleep in cars whatsoever. Jared said it was easy to get used to. I guess we’ll see.

I have to go now; Garrett just told me we were stopping for dinner now at some random cafe Nate, the bus driver, found. Looks pretty good from what I can see out the window.

June 5th

Dear Journal,
Today is the first official day of this year’s Warped Tour. I’ve always heard that it’s one of the biggest music festivals around and x amount of people go to it on average and so on, but it’s not until I actually saw it myself that I realised how huge it really is. The guys sure weren’t exaggerating when they were trying to explain it to me yesterday. There had to have been at least five hundred people or more waiting in line well before the gates were opened.

I’ve never been to the tour before, always wanted to see the bands but never had the chance, being summer something usually came up. Mixing in with the crowd you could see how big the festival is, but I think being backstage really opens your eyes. Not that I’ve been around the grounds to see a lot; I’ve only gone out to the food tent and to watch the guys sound check and play. It’s not my first time seeing them but it was like watching them for the first time again, standing awe-struck at how good they are and how the fans react. It’s kind of hard to put it into words. If I can figure it out I’ll defiantly writing it in this book sometime.

I feel sort of bad about hiding in the bus for most of the day. Too shy. Too scared. John said it was ok, that I just need time to get used to it. I hope the rest of the guys don’t think too badly of me for it. It’s more getting lost that scares me the most I think.

Honestly I don’t even know what my job here is yet and I don’t think the guys really know either. It’s actually amusing - was today when Kennedy was talking to someone (some tech guy from another band he knows) and mentioned me. I was in my bunk trying not to eardrop but as I’m finding out sometimes it’s hard not to on the bus.

The conversation went somewhat like this;

“So what does she do? Merch girl?” The unknown guy asked.
“Well, um...I don’t actually know.” Kennedy answered unsure, laughing lightly.
“Cleaning lady.” Jared.
“Our personal sex slave.” Of course John would make a comment like that.
“Our bus momma!” Pat yelled from who-knows-where.

I guess the ‘bus momma’ part might slightly be true seeing as I already clean up after the guys a little. I know it’s not something required for me to do here during this trip but I feel like I should be doing something. They allowed me to be here with my freakish silence, mini panic attacks (had another this morning, ugh) and fucked up social skills so I do owe them in a way.

I still don’t know if I really want to be here, it’s a bit overwhelming and has completely thrown me for a loop, but at least if I do have to go home early, I can say I tried. That right now is important to me.