Write It Down, Without a Sound

June 7th

Dear Journal,
Yesterday was a bad day. Today wasn’t all that flash either.

I, myself, am not exactly sure what happened. I was fine, I was doing fine and then everything went to pot. I’m finding it hard to write; I shake just thinking about it. Calm before the storm? I don’t know.

Nothing really triggered it that I can think of. I was standing side stage watching the guys speed their way though sound check as the next band got ready to do the same around them. They were doing well, everything sounding right (far as I could tell, anyway) when I felt like I couldn’t breathe. Like a heavy weight on my chest and a hand closing around my throat. I remember that I was shaking trying to hold it together until I was at least back on the bus. I don’t know what caught Pat’s attention or what he saw to know something wasn’t right, but he suddenly looked at me and without a second hesitation, got off his drum riser, walked over to me, took my hand and walked me back to the bus.

He didn’t say a single word until I was ready to talk but he wasn’t clingy either. Just sat there in a comforting silence until I got my shit together. I don’t remember anyone ever doing that for me before. Usually they try to bundle me up into a ball and repeat “are you alright?” “You’ll be ok” which only makes everything worse.

I haven’t had panic attacks for a long time when I really think about it. I know it’s just from being completely out of my comfort zone so hopefully when I get used to this, if I get used to this, they’ll stop.
I just hope the guys don’t think it was a bad decision letting me tour with them, that I’m sort of a liability. I don’t want to be in the way.

Update -

Just came back from helping Nate get everyone dinner before we hit the road and found a note on my pillow. It reads:

‘It’s ok to be scared sometimes. If you want someone to talk to I’m always open for a conversation even if it’s 4 in the morning. Or a movie night. Movie nights make everything on tour better. I make awesome popcorn? :)
Kennedy.’

I’m not quite sure what to think about that. It’s rather sweet of him, though.

June 9th

Dear Journal,
I haven’t replied to Kennedy’s note yet. He hasn’t mentioned it or seems to be waiting for a response; I hope he isn’t because I don’t know what to write back yet.

John’s watching me like hawk, in a good way. If that can be done in a good way. He noticed I wasn’t eating breakfast. When I’ve been having panic attacks eating breakfast makes me feel a little sick sometimes so I usually skip it until the panic attacks settle themselves out. After that big one I haven’t had any so far. It’s great. Morning ones as I first wake up are always the worst, thankfully they don’t happen often.

John brought me mini tubs of apple puree and told me I had to have one if I wasn’t going to have a proper breakfast. We made a deal: I’ll do that if he doesn’t wake me up in the morning with that stupid mega horn of his. I don’t think he’s all the keen to use it anymore though, after Jared threatening him this morning that ‘If you do that again I will shove that thing so far up your as-‘ ‘SORRY, I”M SORRY!’ followed by a lot of screaming.

Win, win for everyone!

June 10th

Dear Journal,
We had half a day off today. It was a travelling day and Nate managed to get to the next city (I’ve lost all sense of location already, it sucks) early so we had most of the afternoon to roam the closest mall. I’m not really one for shopping, I like to get what I want and get out usually, but we found some really cool stores.

I even found a bookstore that sold John Marsden books. That in itself made the mall trip worth it. That and the awesome icecream store that John found. Best icecream I’ve had in ages.

In one shop I had spotted a little stuffed rabbit, I really wanted to get it, decorate my bunk a little maybe, but I didn’t have enough money on me. When we got back from having dinner at KFC just down the street from here, there the little rabbit was sitting on my bed. I’m still shocked. I think Kennedy get it for me because when I pulled the curtain back on my bunk and saw the bunny, he was standing in the back lounge doorway smiling at me. Then walked away before I could ask.

I left a note on his pillow saying thank you.

The rabbit is now my journal’s guard. Even made it a helmet out of paper, it looks awesome. I need to think of a name for it.

June 11th

Dear Journal,
I really don’t know how these bands do it. Everyday it’s different. Different arrival time, different sound check, different meal times, set time, signing times, bus call. Then somehow in the middle of all that they make time to mess around and hang out with friends. I don’t even have a proper job here and I’m in a daze from it. I asked John about it, his response was a shrug and then fake sleeping on the couch.

I’ve sort of got a new “chore” on my list now. Help setting up the merch table. I got told though; that until I feel comfortable then to only do it on the days where they’re able to get it done before the gates open, luckily enough is most days by the sounds of it.

It’s not really that I’m uncomfortable doing that with the crowds hanging around, it’s more that if I get roped into serving someone it would be impossible in a noisy place when I can’t speak. Not to mention awkward as heck.

I spent fair bit of time on the venue grounds than sitting in the bus today. I didn’t really do much apart from following someone around like a lost puppy, but I did meet some new people today. I’ve met a few people so far during this tour, a lot of the names I can’t remember but I’m learning. It’s not anything more than a ‘hello, nice to meet you’ most of the time but at least I know some people around here. John has pointed out who are the best people to go to if I happen to ever get lost, which is good to know.

It’s only 3pm at the moment and John is going to take me to see All Time Low side stage around four. I’m so excited about it; it’s going to be awesome! If I get time tonight I’ll write about it here. Apparently there is an after party tonight and the guys are going. Not sure if I want to yet.

Update –

The show was awesome. Just brilliant and I got to see it practically from front row! It’s like a dream coming true to finally see one of my favourite bands live. I’ve see All Time Low once before but the venue wasn’t really all that good and I was so far up the back I could hardly see anything. I didn’t miss seeing anything this time that is for sure. I even have the pictures to prove it!

I got to meet Zack and Rian too! And got waves from Alex and Jack as they were ushered off to a badly timed interview. Zack and Rian were really nice and pleasant to talk to. We couldn’t talk much though, because my fucking pen stopped working and neither they nor John knew sign language. (I’m teaching Pat the basics that I know; he’s finding it quite interesting.) But that’s ok because we’ll be on tour with them for the next two months so I’ll bump into them again at some point. I got to tell them how great I thought their set was before my pen died, so I’m happy.

All the guys are at the after party so I have the bus to myself for a short time before bus call. It’s the first time being in the bus alone, it feels weird, too quiet and I keep expecting someone to walk into the back lounge where I am. I was actually thinking of going to the party for a short time but it’s been a long day and I’m tired. Staying up to two in the morning playing video games with Garrett last night probably wasn’t the best idea. I had fun, so.

Today was a great day, I’m glad to say.

Hey look at that, I’m a poet and I didn’t know it. Ha.