Buried Feelings
Best Dressed
The song ends and Kris moves away first, glances at his watch and says, "It's getting late, Gus probably needs to go out and I have a game tomorrow, I'll go grab our shoes."
He walks away before I can even protest; maybe he didn't feel that moment like I did. It felt perfect, so perfect I felt like crying when it was over; I felt reconnected to him and like things were getting to a good place.
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"Kaela, we're home."
The ride home was short but I managed to fall asleep somehow, Kris jolts me awake from a dream I was having where he and I took the vacation to Ireland he had once promised me.
"What? Huh, okay." I rub my eye and unbuckle my belt. Before I can reach for the door he has already opened it and reaches for my hand to help me out.
"You don't have to walk me to the door, it's cold." I reach out and give him a hug, "Thanks for a great night, Kristopher. I loved it." I place a light kiss on his cheek and walk towards the building door.
"Hey Kae? Thursday I don't have a game, let me take you on a real date, where you dress like that, we don't eat omelets, no weddings, and no open bar before hand, would that be okay? Please?" His eyes look unsure, like he really believes I may say no.
"Yeah, Kris. That would be nice," I say from the door of the building. "Drive safe please." And I blow him a kiss as I close the door behind me.
I manage to get upstairs, Gus out, and finish my pre-bed routine before crawling into bed. As I start to fall asleep, my phone beeps.
"Back at my place, good night Michaelagh."
I respond, "Night babe." Letting my subconscious take over with my chosen term of endearment for him.
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On Wednesday, Carly and Rachel come over for dinner and wine. I haven't really told them what happened on Saturday, or how Kris and I have been texting non-stop, or about our date tomorrow so I figure there is no better time then when drinking red wine.
After I tell the story, which was punctuated with some eye rolls from Carly and sighs from Rachel, they both sit in silence.
"So neither of you have anything to say?" The silence scares me, my friends are very different but silence isn't good for either of them. Carly readjusts her position on the couch and places her wine on the coffee table.
"Well, I guess, if you are happy, then we are happy for you." She says and I breathe a sigh of relief, "Saying that, however, you still don't know why he left and why he did what he did. He gave you a very general, vague answer; obviously it is up to you if you can live with not knowing, but it literally destroyed you. And what happens if you fall in love again, you play house, and everything is wonderful but then he gets traded again? What if it happens again?"
I am speechless; I don't know how to respond because I don't know the answer.
"I like Kris, and even though she won't readily admit it, Carly likes him too. But she's right, Kae. You need to know what happened and then you can live happily ever after." She says and she means it with her genuine sweet smile.
And I know they are right, tomorrow I will find out.
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As he greets me at the front door I get a look at how amazing he looks. Kris is wearing a charcoal gray slim fitted suit with a light blue striped shirt, top button unbuttoned. He had told me we were going to RPM Italian downtown so I decided to wear a burgundy peplum dress with black tights and pumps. The smile that spreads across his face when he sees me confirms that I picked the right outfit.
"You look beautiful." He says as we greet each other with a hug, he sneaks a kiss on the cheek before opening the car door for me.
Dinner was phenomenal, the food was some of the best Italian food I have ever had and Kris was amazing. Conversation was easy and light, it felt so natural; he even held my hand most of the time. I invite him back to my place to watch This Is The End.
Sitting on my couch with my legs draped over his lap, we laugh at the movie and often get lost in conversation, having to pause the movie or rewind it several times to try and keep up with the story. Everything is going great until Kris starts telling a story about an old teammate from Florida and how Kris ended up in the middle of their messy break up.
"So Shawn is telling her to calm down and that he is going to live with me and she starts screaming at him about how I am a womanizer and how she read on the internet..." He's laughing, the story was funny until it brought me back to our breakup. How clean it was for him, how easy it was for him.
"Kris." He stops; I can read on his face that he knows something is wrong. "What really happened when you were traded."
He looks at his glass of wine, then at the TV, and then his lap; everywhere but at me. I am staring straight at him; I am not backing down from this. "Kaela, I thought we talked about this." His tone is almost pleading, asking me to let it go and go back to our fun night.
"It wasn't the whole story, I know that, I don't know what happened but I know there is more to it." I take a deep breath and realize I can't be touching him, it makes me weak. I withdraw my legs and walk to the kitchen to refill my wine glass. "So please, tell me. I need to know."
He looks at his hands again, stands up and faces me. "Maybe you want to sit down then." He motions to the couch, he knows that if I am close by, it will be easier to comfort me, to touch me, to make it better because whatever is about to spill out is not good.
"I'm okay standing, Kris. I need to know if this is going to move further, I can't pretend I don't, I won't be able to move forward without having a fear it will happen again if you get traded, that you won't just up and leave me again." I feel the anger, the hurt, and the sadness all surfacing. I take a swig of wine to hold back the tears.
"Okay." He takes a deep breath and stands a few feet in front of me. "During the cup run, when we where in Vancouver, I went out with a few of the guys after we won the series in Vancouver. Ladd had a bunch of girls he knew from the area meet us out." I know what's coming at this point and I can't even keep the tears from coming before he says it.
"And I slept with one of them." He leaves that hanging there to see what I say, I lean against the kitchen counter and start sobbing. He knows how I feel about cheaters, my dad left my mother with two kids to go be with his secret mistress, cheating destroyed my family. He walks up to me and tries to hold me. "Please, no" I whisper between sobs, "Don't touch me, please."
"Kae, I am sorry. It happened and I felt awful, that's why I pulled away. And then I tried to pretend it didn't happen, we were so happy, and then we won the cup and everything was perfect." He starts to get flush and I can see he is close to crying to. "Everyone started asking when I was going to propose, when we were going to get married, how I should cap the perfect season off with a ring for you too. It scared me; I cheated on you, after knowing what you dad did to your mom, to you guys. I didn't feel worth you anymore and I pulled away." He wipes a few tears from his eyes.
I pound the rest of my wine; I don't know what I was expecting. I didn't expect this though.
"And then the front office said I was getting traded, I thought it was a sign. You and I weren't meant to be, it was the universe's way of saying 'dude, leave her alone, you lost your shot' so I rolled with it. I moved to Toronto, drank myself into a stupor and slept with a bunch of puck sluts hoping to forget how I felt, how I treated you, and how I broke this."
He pauses to see if I respond, I stopped the hard crying and am trying to get a handle on my emotions but say nothing, just look at him, urging him to keep talking.
"And I was miserable in Toronto, that's why they traded me. Same with Philly. And I was worse in Florida. I hated my life, hated what it had become. I couldn't date anyone for more than a date because all I thought about was you, no one stood up to you, no one was you."
Anger. "So you want me to feel bad for you?" Is that really what he is saying?
"No, I don't expect that. But when I got traded I felt hope. I felt that maybe we could try this again, it was my second chance. I am a more mature, ready person. Ready for that type of commitment that I ran away from three years ago, I guess I was just hoping we could move forward without dragging up the past."
That does it for me, the tears come rolling back, but this time more from anger. "You wanted me to just forget that you left me? Without explanation? That you broke my heart without any sign? That I had to deal with the entire blow back by myself? That fans harassed me from Chicago because they thought I drove you away? That Toronto fans blamed me for how badly you played? I am just supposed to say oh well that was 3 years ago!"
"No, but I was hoping if you needed to know we could move past it, it was the past. But obviously I can't force you to do that." He looks as heartbroken as I feel.
"Kris, I think it's time for you to go." And I walk into my room and close the door. I can't face him anymore. He knows what my dad did, how he cheated on my mom for a year in secret before just leaving us all one day, no explanation, very little further contact except for child support. He knew that cheating for me was horrible, something that had ruined my childhood and he had done it anyway. I hear the door close and I burst into tears. My heart feeling as broken as it did the when he broke up with me three and a half years ago.
He walks away before I can even protest; maybe he didn't feel that moment like I did. It felt perfect, so perfect I felt like crying when it was over; I felt reconnected to him and like things were getting to a good place.
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"Kaela, we're home."
The ride home was short but I managed to fall asleep somehow, Kris jolts me awake from a dream I was having where he and I took the vacation to Ireland he had once promised me.
"What? Huh, okay." I rub my eye and unbuckle my belt. Before I can reach for the door he has already opened it and reaches for my hand to help me out.
"You don't have to walk me to the door, it's cold." I reach out and give him a hug, "Thanks for a great night, Kristopher. I loved it." I place a light kiss on his cheek and walk towards the building door.
"Hey Kae? Thursday I don't have a game, let me take you on a real date, where you dress like that, we don't eat omelets, no weddings, and no open bar before hand, would that be okay? Please?" His eyes look unsure, like he really believes I may say no.
"Yeah, Kris. That would be nice," I say from the door of the building. "Drive safe please." And I blow him a kiss as I close the door behind me.
I manage to get upstairs, Gus out, and finish my pre-bed routine before crawling into bed. As I start to fall asleep, my phone beeps.
"Back at my place, good night Michaelagh."
I respond, "Night babe." Letting my subconscious take over with my chosen term of endearment for him.
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On Wednesday, Carly and Rachel come over for dinner and wine. I haven't really told them what happened on Saturday, or how Kris and I have been texting non-stop, or about our date tomorrow so I figure there is no better time then when drinking red wine.
After I tell the story, which was punctuated with some eye rolls from Carly and sighs from Rachel, they both sit in silence.
"So neither of you have anything to say?" The silence scares me, my friends are very different but silence isn't good for either of them. Carly readjusts her position on the couch and places her wine on the coffee table.
"Well, I guess, if you are happy, then we are happy for you." She says and I breathe a sigh of relief, "Saying that, however, you still don't know why he left and why he did what he did. He gave you a very general, vague answer; obviously it is up to you if you can live with not knowing, but it literally destroyed you. And what happens if you fall in love again, you play house, and everything is wonderful but then he gets traded again? What if it happens again?"
I am speechless; I don't know how to respond because I don't know the answer.
"I like Kris, and even though she won't readily admit it, Carly likes him too. But she's right, Kae. You need to know what happened and then you can live happily ever after." She says and she means it with her genuine sweet smile.
And I know they are right, tomorrow I will find out.
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As he greets me at the front door I get a look at how amazing he looks. Kris is wearing a charcoal gray slim fitted suit with a light blue striped shirt, top button unbuttoned. He had told me we were going to RPM Italian downtown so I decided to wear a burgundy peplum dress with black tights and pumps. The smile that spreads across his face when he sees me confirms that I picked the right outfit.
"You look beautiful." He says as we greet each other with a hug, he sneaks a kiss on the cheek before opening the car door for me.
Dinner was phenomenal, the food was some of the best Italian food I have ever had and Kris was amazing. Conversation was easy and light, it felt so natural; he even held my hand most of the time. I invite him back to my place to watch This Is The End.
Sitting on my couch with my legs draped over his lap, we laugh at the movie and often get lost in conversation, having to pause the movie or rewind it several times to try and keep up with the story. Everything is going great until Kris starts telling a story about an old teammate from Florida and how Kris ended up in the middle of their messy break up.
"So Shawn is telling her to calm down and that he is going to live with me and she starts screaming at him about how I am a womanizer and how she read on the internet..." He's laughing, the story was funny until it brought me back to our breakup. How clean it was for him, how easy it was for him.
"Kris." He stops; I can read on his face that he knows something is wrong. "What really happened when you were traded."
He looks at his glass of wine, then at the TV, and then his lap; everywhere but at me. I am staring straight at him; I am not backing down from this. "Kaela, I thought we talked about this." His tone is almost pleading, asking me to let it go and go back to our fun night.
"It wasn't the whole story, I know that, I don't know what happened but I know there is more to it." I take a deep breath and realize I can't be touching him, it makes me weak. I withdraw my legs and walk to the kitchen to refill my wine glass. "So please, tell me. I need to know."
He looks at his hands again, stands up and faces me. "Maybe you want to sit down then." He motions to the couch, he knows that if I am close by, it will be easier to comfort me, to touch me, to make it better because whatever is about to spill out is not good.
"I'm okay standing, Kris. I need to know if this is going to move further, I can't pretend I don't, I won't be able to move forward without having a fear it will happen again if you get traded, that you won't just up and leave me again." I feel the anger, the hurt, and the sadness all surfacing. I take a swig of wine to hold back the tears.
"Okay." He takes a deep breath and stands a few feet in front of me. "During the cup run, when we where in Vancouver, I went out with a few of the guys after we won the series in Vancouver. Ladd had a bunch of girls he knew from the area meet us out." I know what's coming at this point and I can't even keep the tears from coming before he says it.
"And I slept with one of them." He leaves that hanging there to see what I say, I lean against the kitchen counter and start sobbing. He knows how I feel about cheaters, my dad left my mother with two kids to go be with his secret mistress, cheating destroyed my family. He walks up to me and tries to hold me. "Please, no" I whisper between sobs, "Don't touch me, please."
"Kae, I am sorry. It happened and I felt awful, that's why I pulled away. And then I tried to pretend it didn't happen, we were so happy, and then we won the cup and everything was perfect." He starts to get flush and I can see he is close to crying to. "Everyone started asking when I was going to propose, when we were going to get married, how I should cap the perfect season off with a ring for you too. It scared me; I cheated on you, after knowing what you dad did to your mom, to you guys. I didn't feel worth you anymore and I pulled away." He wipes a few tears from his eyes.
I pound the rest of my wine; I don't know what I was expecting. I didn't expect this though.
"And then the front office said I was getting traded, I thought it was a sign. You and I weren't meant to be, it was the universe's way of saying 'dude, leave her alone, you lost your shot' so I rolled with it. I moved to Toronto, drank myself into a stupor and slept with a bunch of puck sluts hoping to forget how I felt, how I treated you, and how I broke this."
He pauses to see if I respond, I stopped the hard crying and am trying to get a handle on my emotions but say nothing, just look at him, urging him to keep talking.
"And I was miserable in Toronto, that's why they traded me. Same with Philly. And I was worse in Florida. I hated my life, hated what it had become. I couldn't date anyone for more than a date because all I thought about was you, no one stood up to you, no one was you."
Anger. "So you want me to feel bad for you?" Is that really what he is saying?
"No, I don't expect that. But when I got traded I felt hope. I felt that maybe we could try this again, it was my second chance. I am a more mature, ready person. Ready for that type of commitment that I ran away from three years ago, I guess I was just hoping we could move forward without dragging up the past."
That does it for me, the tears come rolling back, but this time more from anger. "You wanted me to just forget that you left me? Without explanation? That you broke my heart without any sign? That I had to deal with the entire blow back by myself? That fans harassed me from Chicago because they thought I drove you away? That Toronto fans blamed me for how badly you played? I am just supposed to say oh well that was 3 years ago!"
"No, but I was hoping if you needed to know we could move past it, it was the past. But obviously I can't force you to do that." He looks as heartbroken as I feel.
"Kris, I think it's time for you to go." And I walk into my room and close the door. I can't face him anymore. He knows what my dad did, how he cheated on my mom for a year in secret before just leaving us all one day, no explanation, very little further contact except for child support. He knew that cheating for me was horrible, something that had ruined my childhood and he had done it anyway. I hear the door close and I burst into tears. My heart feeling as broken as it did the when he broke up with me three and a half years ago.