Buried Feelings
Therapy
I call in sick to work on Friday, my eyes are swollen and red and I just don't feel like brushing my hair, let alone getting dressed. I grab my phone and see that Kris text me 4 times throughout the night, I had fallen asleep shortly after he left, my body was utterly exhausted from all the emotions.
"Let's just talk this through, it was a long time ago."
"I'm sorry, I really am."
"Call me please, I can't sleep. I can't even sit still."
"Just let me show you how I am this new Kris."
I shake my head and feel sick. I didn't sleep well, I had nightmares all night and constantly tossed throughout the night, unable to get comfortable. I put my phone back down, laid down and stared at the ceiling. I can ignore him, it can just be over and I can move on again. This time I have closure, right? But I know I can't just do what he did and ignore what happened, I have to acknowledge it. I call my therapist.
I had stopped seeing her about 4 months ago, I had started seeing her a few months after we broke up initially; Carly convinced me I needed someone to talk to and Kathleen had been a great fit. She got me, she questioned me, and she pushed me to grow, without her I wouldn't be who I am.
Her receptionist says she can see me at 1pm. Time to go back to sleep until then.
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Kathleen is a petite woman in her mid-50's with bright red hair, so bright that it I am sure you can seat it in the dark. She has eyes that always seem to be smiling and she always wears power suits that remind me of Hilary Clinton. At this point in our relationship she feels more like family than a therapist. She greets me with a hug and a knowing nod of her head when she looks at me. Messy hair, yoga pants, hoodie, and Uggs, the attire of a college student...and me when I am a wreck.
One of the things I love most about Kathleen is that she lets me talk, uninterrupted and without any judgement. After I tell her everything, leaving a handful of used tissues on the couch next to me, she asks if she can say something, of course I tell her she can.
"Michaelagh, we spent a long time talking about Kristopher and how he has changed your life, both for the good and bad. Granted we haven't seen each other since his return but from what you told me, up until last night, he brought a lot of good. He made you happy, something you have been searching for in earnest since he left, and now he returns and it comes so easily. But like most things, it comes with a price."
"The truth." I say, she nods in confirmation.
"The truth, but remember. This was three years ago, does that mean it hurts less? No. Does that mean you are expected to be okay with it in less time? No. You take however long you need to process it, to deal with the emotions, the feelings, and how it affects the underlying issues you had from your father."
She's right.
"But from what I knew of Justin, he didn't make you feel this way. And Kristopher does, he hasn't even been back for a whole month and here you sit on my couch in tears because of him; you came so far only to end up where you started. Now what does that say to you?"
"That I don't have good coping skills?" I say with a small laugh.
"No, that he brings out these emotions in you, the kind of love brings out these deep emotions that you have experienced only a few times in your life. Do you remember when you broke up with the accountant? You didn't cry at all, we even laughed in that session, but there is not laughing today, is there? No."
"What do I do, Kathleen?"
"Michaelagh, I can't tell you what to do, you know where I stand on that. You control your thoughts, beliefs, and actions, not me and not anyone else. How would you feel if you didn't hear from Kristopher again?"
And I know what I need to do.
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After I left Kathleen's I decided I needed some retail therapy and hit up the mall near her office. After a mani/pedi, some new pajamas, and a few new boots. I settle in at home to finish watching This Is The End to work up my nerve to call Kris to tell him what I decided.
Instead, I end up falling asleep. I wake up and I send him a text hoping that he can talk, I really want to let him know that I appreciate his honesty but I am not sure where I want to go.
"Sorry, on the way to Toronto and then another game on Sunday but I would like to talk, would you want to FaceTime tonight when I get to the hotel?"
Well, I guess it counts as face to face, right?
"Let's just talk this through, it was a long time ago."
"I'm sorry, I really am."
"Call me please, I can't sleep. I can't even sit still."
"Just let me show you how I am this new Kris."
I shake my head and feel sick. I didn't sleep well, I had nightmares all night and constantly tossed throughout the night, unable to get comfortable. I put my phone back down, laid down and stared at the ceiling. I can ignore him, it can just be over and I can move on again. This time I have closure, right? But I know I can't just do what he did and ignore what happened, I have to acknowledge it. I call my therapist.
I had stopped seeing her about 4 months ago, I had started seeing her a few months after we broke up initially; Carly convinced me I needed someone to talk to and Kathleen had been a great fit. She got me, she questioned me, and she pushed me to grow, without her I wouldn't be who I am.
Her receptionist says she can see me at 1pm. Time to go back to sleep until then.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Kathleen is a petite woman in her mid-50's with bright red hair, so bright that it I am sure you can seat it in the dark. She has eyes that always seem to be smiling and she always wears power suits that remind me of Hilary Clinton. At this point in our relationship she feels more like family than a therapist. She greets me with a hug and a knowing nod of her head when she looks at me. Messy hair, yoga pants, hoodie, and Uggs, the attire of a college student...and me when I am a wreck.
One of the things I love most about Kathleen is that she lets me talk, uninterrupted and without any judgement. After I tell her everything, leaving a handful of used tissues on the couch next to me, she asks if she can say something, of course I tell her she can.
"Michaelagh, we spent a long time talking about Kristopher and how he has changed your life, both for the good and bad. Granted we haven't seen each other since his return but from what you told me, up until last night, he brought a lot of good. He made you happy, something you have been searching for in earnest since he left, and now he returns and it comes so easily. But like most things, it comes with a price."
"The truth." I say, she nods in confirmation.
"The truth, but remember. This was three years ago, does that mean it hurts less? No. Does that mean you are expected to be okay with it in less time? No. You take however long you need to process it, to deal with the emotions, the feelings, and how it affects the underlying issues you had from your father."
She's right.
"But from what I knew of Justin, he didn't make you feel this way. And Kristopher does, he hasn't even been back for a whole month and here you sit on my couch in tears because of him; you came so far only to end up where you started. Now what does that say to you?"
"That I don't have good coping skills?" I say with a small laugh.
"No, that he brings out these emotions in you, the kind of love brings out these deep emotions that you have experienced only a few times in your life. Do you remember when you broke up with the accountant? You didn't cry at all, we even laughed in that session, but there is not laughing today, is there? No."
"What do I do, Kathleen?"
"Michaelagh, I can't tell you what to do, you know where I stand on that. You control your thoughts, beliefs, and actions, not me and not anyone else. How would you feel if you didn't hear from Kristopher again?"
And I know what I need to do.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
After I left Kathleen's I decided I needed some retail therapy and hit up the mall near her office. After a mani/pedi, some new pajamas, and a few new boots. I settle in at home to finish watching This Is The End to work up my nerve to call Kris to tell him what I decided.
Instead, I end up falling asleep. I wake up and I send him a text hoping that he can talk, I really want to let him know that I appreciate his honesty but I am not sure where I want to go.
"Sorry, on the way to Toronto and then another game on Sunday but I would like to talk, would you want to FaceTime tonight when I get to the hotel?"
Well, I guess it counts as face to face, right?