Buried Feelings
Physical Therapy
I pace my condo, over and over again. Did I really suggest talking about this over the computer? What is wrong with me, seriously. I don't know how I feel, the other day I felt myself falling for him, having dreams about us falling in love and having a life together and right now I am vacillating between hating him and willing to give him another chance. But I can't deal with this anymore right now, it's too much.
"Sorry, I don't think we should talk right now, or for a little bit. I need a few days to figure out some things. Again, sorry, and good luck tonight." I turn my phone on silent and hop in the shower before I am tempted to see his response.
Thirty minutes and three glasses of wine later, I dig through the couch and try to find my phone. Curiosity has finally won out and I want to know what he said, but there is nothing. No response, nothing.
Another two glasses of wine changes my sadness and loneliness to anger and I call Justin.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
It takes Justin 30 minutes to come over and another 45 seconds before we start tearing each other's clothes off.
As he lifts off my tank top he kisses me hard and pins me to the wall, boosting my hips to match his, moving his hands behind my back to unclasp my bra. I am panting as I pull at his shirt unbuttoning frantically and digging my nails into his skin, to which he grunts loudly, and moves his mouth down my neck towards my chest. I hesitate and he stops the kisses, "Everything okay, Michaelagh?"
"Yeah," I say breathlessly as I run my hands over his bare chest and pull him in for a kiss, trying my hardest to stop wishing and pretending that he was Kris.
He masterfully slides my sweatpants off and I work on his belt buckle, his hands fly there and he looks me in the eyes, confirming that I want to go further, I give him a small smile and he finishes the belt, kicking his jeans aside.
With one quick motion he's inside of me, he fucks me hard against the wall, it is animalistic. He knows how to push me and quickly we are both at the edge, moaning together. I climax first and he follows soon after, he catches me instead of letting me slide to the floor, laying me on the couch.
I must fall asleep because Justin is shaking me awake, "Hey, you fell asleep, I cleaned up a bit and I am heading out. You going to be okay, kid?"
"Yeah, thanks." I say, I get up and let him out of my apartment, and probably life for the last time.
"Anytime." He says and throws me a wink as he walks down the hallway. I head back into my bathroom, needing to wash whatever I am feeling off of me, I turn the shower as hot as it will go and let it wash over me. I feel guilty, dirty but I start laughing. That quick hook up helps me understand a lot about me, about Kris and I. The sex was a type of therapy that Kathleen could never give me, it got all my frustrations with my life; Justin and I just had hot, dirty sex against my entryway wall, but it was clean, no strings attached, no expectations. Just sex, hot sex that clears my conscience, my worries, and all my stress. I feel new, like my skin after a chemical peel but my whole body. And I understand how maybe Kris felt after Vancouver, how it was just sex. And I begin to realize that I am ready to talk to him, to move on from this and to figure out where we are.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
I wake up with a massive hangover and a few texts from Kris. They were all sent late, around the time where I started drinking all up until Justin left. The theme is generally the same; he misses me, he doesn't want to be without me, he will do whatever it takes and then there is a text, the last one he sent, that is different from the rest.
"Guess you found someone different" And my heart drops. I don't know if this is him being a brat because I wasn't responding or because he knew what happened last night, but he couldn't have possibly have known. He would have gotten home from Toronto incredibly late and wouldn't have been able to get into the building, so there is no way he knows. Nope.
I type a few texts, trying to play coy or stupid but they all come across as fake or guilty. But I don't feel guilty, I feel whole for the first time in a long time, like I have finally left the past behind me when it comes to us. Before I really know what I am doing the phone on the other side of the line is ringing.
"Hello?" He sounds like he is sleeping, a quick glance at the clock and I see it's 11am, he is probably napping after the morning skate and before going to get ready for the game.
"Am I waking you up?"
"Oh, Kaela. Um, kind of, what do you need?" He sounds cold, maybe even a little upset, but I can't fully read his tone because of the grogginess it still holds.
"I just got up and saw your texts, I thought maybe we should talk now."
He makes a noise that sounds like an amused grunt. "You want to talk? Last night you didn't want to but now all of a sudden you have an overwhelming desire to talk?"
"Yeah, I am ready to talk." I'm not sure where this is going, where he is going, but something is definitely going on.
"Did you decide this before or after you fucked some guy last night?" Shit. Maybe he's bluffing.
"What are you talking about?" Yeah, Kaela, play dumb. Maybe that will work.
"Are you kidding? Please don't patronize me, Michaelagh. I came by last night, to bring you flowers to fucking talk to you. One of your neighbors was leaving when I came and let me in. And I get to your and guess what the fuck I heard? I will give you one guess because I am sure you fucking know."
I don't say anything. I can feel his anger emanating through the phone, and I can feel mine building too. He has no right to be angry with me, I did nothing wrong.
"Yeah, don't say anything. Because we both know you were fucking some guy on the other side of the door loud enough that the whole building could probably hear you."
"Fuck you." I say it calmly and even toned. I am fuming but I will not let my emotions get the best of me.
"What?" It throws him off his power trip.
"You don't get to be mad because I had sex with someone, Kristopher. I am a grown woman, who is SINGLE," Making sure I emphasize that word, "Who is trying to figure out what she wants when the person who crushed her heart comes back into her life and tells her that he cheated on her. So sorry I was a little fucking confused, got a little drunk, and had sex with someone, we both know that isn't a foreign concept to you." I spit at him, it's a low blow but he can't dictate what I do in my life.
He's silent.
"I called you because the bottle of wine I drank and what I did last night brought me some clarity, Kris. It helped me realize that what I did last night was strictly sex, but with you everything is so much more and I realized I wanted to fight for it, wanted to fix it, and wanted to forgive you. But now I am not sure. So why don't YOU let me know when you can act like an adult and not a child?"
And I hang up. Kris Versteeg was always good at making me feel really amazing and making me extremely mad. Today he excelled in the latter.
"Sorry, I don't think we should talk right now, or for a little bit. I need a few days to figure out some things. Again, sorry, and good luck tonight." I turn my phone on silent and hop in the shower before I am tempted to see his response.
Thirty minutes and three glasses of wine later, I dig through the couch and try to find my phone. Curiosity has finally won out and I want to know what he said, but there is nothing. No response, nothing.
Another two glasses of wine changes my sadness and loneliness to anger and I call Justin.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
It takes Justin 30 minutes to come over and another 45 seconds before we start tearing each other's clothes off.
As he lifts off my tank top he kisses me hard and pins me to the wall, boosting my hips to match his, moving his hands behind my back to unclasp my bra. I am panting as I pull at his shirt unbuttoning frantically and digging my nails into his skin, to which he grunts loudly, and moves his mouth down my neck towards my chest. I hesitate and he stops the kisses, "Everything okay, Michaelagh?"
"Yeah," I say breathlessly as I run my hands over his bare chest and pull him in for a kiss, trying my hardest to stop wishing and pretending that he was Kris.
He masterfully slides my sweatpants off and I work on his belt buckle, his hands fly there and he looks me in the eyes, confirming that I want to go further, I give him a small smile and he finishes the belt, kicking his jeans aside.
With one quick motion he's inside of me, he fucks me hard against the wall, it is animalistic. He knows how to push me and quickly we are both at the edge, moaning together. I climax first and he follows soon after, he catches me instead of letting me slide to the floor, laying me on the couch.
I must fall asleep because Justin is shaking me awake, "Hey, you fell asleep, I cleaned up a bit and I am heading out. You going to be okay, kid?"
"Yeah, thanks." I say, I get up and let him out of my apartment, and probably life for the last time.
"Anytime." He says and throws me a wink as he walks down the hallway. I head back into my bathroom, needing to wash whatever I am feeling off of me, I turn the shower as hot as it will go and let it wash over me. I feel guilty, dirty but I start laughing. That quick hook up helps me understand a lot about me, about Kris and I. The sex was a type of therapy that Kathleen could never give me, it got all my frustrations with my life; Justin and I just had hot, dirty sex against my entryway wall, but it was clean, no strings attached, no expectations. Just sex, hot sex that clears my conscience, my worries, and all my stress. I feel new, like my skin after a chemical peel but my whole body. And I understand how maybe Kris felt after Vancouver, how it was just sex. And I begin to realize that I am ready to talk to him, to move on from this and to figure out where we are.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
I wake up with a massive hangover and a few texts from Kris. They were all sent late, around the time where I started drinking all up until Justin left. The theme is generally the same; he misses me, he doesn't want to be without me, he will do whatever it takes and then there is a text, the last one he sent, that is different from the rest.
"Guess you found someone different" And my heart drops. I don't know if this is him being a brat because I wasn't responding or because he knew what happened last night, but he couldn't have possibly have known. He would have gotten home from Toronto incredibly late and wouldn't have been able to get into the building, so there is no way he knows. Nope.
I type a few texts, trying to play coy or stupid but they all come across as fake or guilty. But I don't feel guilty, I feel whole for the first time in a long time, like I have finally left the past behind me when it comes to us. Before I really know what I am doing the phone on the other side of the line is ringing.
"Hello?" He sounds like he is sleeping, a quick glance at the clock and I see it's 11am, he is probably napping after the morning skate and before going to get ready for the game.
"Am I waking you up?"
"Oh, Kaela. Um, kind of, what do you need?" He sounds cold, maybe even a little upset, but I can't fully read his tone because of the grogginess it still holds.
"I just got up and saw your texts, I thought maybe we should talk now."
He makes a noise that sounds like an amused grunt. "You want to talk? Last night you didn't want to but now all of a sudden you have an overwhelming desire to talk?"
"Yeah, I am ready to talk." I'm not sure where this is going, where he is going, but something is definitely going on.
"Did you decide this before or after you fucked some guy last night?" Shit. Maybe he's bluffing.
"What are you talking about?" Yeah, Kaela, play dumb. Maybe that will work.
"Are you kidding? Please don't patronize me, Michaelagh. I came by last night, to bring you flowers to fucking talk to you. One of your neighbors was leaving when I came and let me in. And I get to your and guess what the fuck I heard? I will give you one guess because I am sure you fucking know."
I don't say anything. I can feel his anger emanating through the phone, and I can feel mine building too. He has no right to be angry with me, I did nothing wrong.
"Yeah, don't say anything. Because we both know you were fucking some guy on the other side of the door loud enough that the whole building could probably hear you."
"Fuck you." I say it calmly and even toned. I am fuming but I will not let my emotions get the best of me.
"What?" It throws him off his power trip.
"You don't get to be mad because I had sex with someone, Kristopher. I am a grown woman, who is SINGLE," Making sure I emphasize that word, "Who is trying to figure out what she wants when the person who crushed her heart comes back into her life and tells her that he cheated on her. So sorry I was a little fucking confused, got a little drunk, and had sex with someone, we both know that isn't a foreign concept to you." I spit at him, it's a low blow but he can't dictate what I do in my life.
He's silent.
"I called you because the bottle of wine I drank and what I did last night brought me some clarity, Kris. It helped me realize that what I did last night was strictly sex, but with you everything is so much more and I realized I wanted to fight for it, wanted to fix it, and wanted to forgive you. But now I am not sure. So why don't YOU let me know when you can act like an adult and not a child?"
And I hang up. Kris Versteeg was always good at making me feel really amazing and making me extremely mad. Today he excelled in the latter.
♠ ♠ ♠
I don't know where this came from! I just started typing and this happened. Kris hasn't been back a month and I think everything that has been going on has just been too much for Michaelagh and she snapped!I am interested to see where it goes from here, Kris had this vision of this young, innocent, sweet Michaelagh; but since he broke her heart she has grown up a lot and changed some too. Now he has to figure out if he is still in love with this Michaelagh. Hopefully everyone is as interested as I am to see where this goes! My outline for the next few chapters is interesting for sure!