Buried Feelings
Inspiration
I don’t hear from Kris since our fight. And I am not entirely sure I want to hear from him either, so I busy myself with work and painting my office. The tedious, monotonous work keeps me occupied and before I know it, it’s the Thursday before Christmas.
Christmas has always been my favorite time of year but for some reason I just haven’t gotten into it this year, maybe it’s because I have been so busy with work or maybe it’s because my mind has been pre-occupied with something else. Who knows, but on the way home I decide I need to break out my tree and decorates, better late than never.
Putting up my tree immediately changes my mood; I throw on the classic Rudolph movie and sing along to all the songs. I even throw some reindeer antlers on Gus to put him in the mood too. Little by little my condo transforms into a winter wonderland. Garland and stockings hang on the mantle and the tree glows with its retro lights; this year my mom gave me a box of some ornaments she had stored for me for a few years and I reminisce as I go through the ornaments that are heirlooms and ones I collected throughout college and law school. There are some funny ones and some sentimental ones, but one ornament catches my eye.
It’s a hockey skate ornament, a set of skates dangling from a red and black ribbon. It takes me a minute to place it and I remember who gave it to me, Kris. It was a gift during the first Christmas we dated, I had told him how every Christmas I bought myself an ornament to commemorate something major that happened that year and he asked me if he could pick it out for me and this was the ornament. He said it was for me to always remember our first year together, that we were a perfect pair like a pair of skates. Before I know it, I am crying. How did we get here? How did something that was so simple turn into something so fucked up? I wrap the ornament up and put it away, I can’t look at it anymore, and the memories of then and what is happening now are too much to stare at everyday on my tree. I check the clock and see that it’s way past time for bed; my trip down memory lane was a long one.
After finishing my pre-bed routine, I crawl in my bed and lay on something hard that digs into my side. I guess that Gus brought another bone into bed, it wouldn’t be the first time he has decided that my bed is the perfect place to make a mess but no, it’s the ornament. It’s the pair of skates, and I know that this isn’t some divine intervention or some act of God; I know my dog thought I would be pleased with him but I laugh at the circumstances. Clearly he thinks that I should put it on the tree, I walk back into the living room and put it on the tree, front and center. Maybe I shouldn’t hide from the past, or the present, and I just need to tackle it head on.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
The next day at work I fill Carly in on everything over iChat, at first she has the same reaction as I did to the news of him cheating but she helps me realize that three years ago is a long time. And for someone who really isn’t Kris’ biggest fan she makes an astute observation.
CarlyJoy18: He was a self-absorbed hockey player who was in love with the right girl before he was ready to be, that’s the simple truth
CarlyJoy18: So he did some stupid shit that he immediately knew was a mistake and realized that he was ready but thought it was too late
CarlyJoy18: And he pushed you away, breaking both of your hearts. But somehow, something brought him back
MichaelaghRosey: That would be the Chicago Blackhawks lol
CarlyJoy18: Or KISMET
MichaelaghRosey: Or it could be that
CarlyJoy18: Do you want my honest opinion?
MichaelaghRosey: You say that like if I said no you still wouldn’t give it haha
CarlyJoy18: True fact BUT as crazy as this sounds, I think you need to win him back and as messed up as that sounds, I mean you need to show him that you are willing to try a relationship with again but remember yesterday is history, tomorrow is a mystery, and today is a gift, that’s why its called the present! So let’s do it tonight, let’s go to the game and you can do something there!!
MichaelaghRosey: Did you just quote Kung Fu Panda...
CarlyJoy18: You better believe it! Let’s get planning, boo
We formulate our plan, we will buy tickets to tonight’s game, I will wear his jersey, we will make the ultimate sign, which I will hold at the glass at warm ups and then everything will be perfect.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
I should have known things wouldn’t be perfect. They are playing the Canucks and as soon as I leave work early it’s like the universe is working against me. Traffic is horrible and the amount of time I have to get ready stresses me out and my stomach feels like crap. Not sure if this is from nerves or the tacos from lunch, but either way, it’s not a good feeling. Luckily I easily find my Versteeg sweater and throw it on over some leggings and riding boots; it’s like I am wearing an oversized sweater dress but it looks cute. I decide to throw on one of his black beanies I found to top the look off, I know he will recognize it and hope it just shows him that I never stopped caring.
Tickets are another story, I should have just called Abby and gotten the hook up but it’s too late for that at this point. Everything on StubHub is ridiculously overpriced and I can feel my credit card screaming in pain as I buy some 200 level seats. Normally I would just sit in the 300 level but with only a $40 difference, it’s worth it to be closer and for the perks. Plus if he rejects me, I can indulge in some free refreshments. But what if he rejects me? I look at myself in the mirror as I head out to Carly’s car and my stomach drops. What if he does? He seemed so angry with me before, like I wasn’t the person he thought he was. And I know I’m not, but I know I am better. And that’s the Michaelagh I will show him tonight.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Luckily we get to the UC with plenty of time to spare and are able to smuggle in some glitter poster markers, I want him to see the poster and be impressed. And if there is one thing I excel at, it’s arts and crafts. But as we get to the Home Depot poster center I choke up, Carly and I throw a few things out but everything seems so cheesy, so forced, or fake. And then it hits me, it’s perfect. A Harry Potter quote, the books and movies were one of the first things we had in common.
In big red glitter letters the poster says,
Always.
And in small parenthesis underneath,
(I love you.)
I take a deep breath, and head to the seats by the glass.
“Well here goes nothing, right?” Carly gives me a small smile of encouragement.
“Let’s go get your dude!”
Christmas has always been my favorite time of year but for some reason I just haven’t gotten into it this year, maybe it’s because I have been so busy with work or maybe it’s because my mind has been pre-occupied with something else. Who knows, but on the way home I decide I need to break out my tree and decorates, better late than never.
Putting up my tree immediately changes my mood; I throw on the classic Rudolph movie and sing along to all the songs. I even throw some reindeer antlers on Gus to put him in the mood too. Little by little my condo transforms into a winter wonderland. Garland and stockings hang on the mantle and the tree glows with its retro lights; this year my mom gave me a box of some ornaments she had stored for me for a few years and I reminisce as I go through the ornaments that are heirlooms and ones I collected throughout college and law school. There are some funny ones and some sentimental ones, but one ornament catches my eye.
It’s a hockey skate ornament, a set of skates dangling from a red and black ribbon. It takes me a minute to place it and I remember who gave it to me, Kris. It was a gift during the first Christmas we dated, I had told him how every Christmas I bought myself an ornament to commemorate something major that happened that year and he asked me if he could pick it out for me and this was the ornament. He said it was for me to always remember our first year together, that we were a perfect pair like a pair of skates. Before I know it, I am crying. How did we get here? How did something that was so simple turn into something so fucked up? I wrap the ornament up and put it away, I can’t look at it anymore, and the memories of then and what is happening now are too much to stare at everyday on my tree. I check the clock and see that it’s way past time for bed; my trip down memory lane was a long one.
After finishing my pre-bed routine, I crawl in my bed and lay on something hard that digs into my side. I guess that Gus brought another bone into bed, it wouldn’t be the first time he has decided that my bed is the perfect place to make a mess but no, it’s the ornament. It’s the pair of skates, and I know that this isn’t some divine intervention or some act of God; I know my dog thought I would be pleased with him but I laugh at the circumstances. Clearly he thinks that I should put it on the tree, I walk back into the living room and put it on the tree, front and center. Maybe I shouldn’t hide from the past, or the present, and I just need to tackle it head on.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
The next day at work I fill Carly in on everything over iChat, at first she has the same reaction as I did to the news of him cheating but she helps me realize that three years ago is a long time. And for someone who really isn’t Kris’ biggest fan she makes an astute observation.
CarlyJoy18: He was a self-absorbed hockey player who was in love with the right girl before he was ready to be, that’s the simple truth
CarlyJoy18: So he did some stupid shit that he immediately knew was a mistake and realized that he was ready but thought it was too late
CarlyJoy18: And he pushed you away, breaking both of your hearts. But somehow, something brought him back
MichaelaghRosey: That would be the Chicago Blackhawks lol
CarlyJoy18: Or KISMET
MichaelaghRosey: Or it could be that
CarlyJoy18: Do you want my honest opinion?
MichaelaghRosey: You say that like if I said no you still wouldn’t give it haha
CarlyJoy18: True fact BUT as crazy as this sounds, I think you need to win him back and as messed up as that sounds, I mean you need to show him that you are willing to try a relationship with again but remember yesterday is history, tomorrow is a mystery, and today is a gift, that’s why its called the present! So let’s do it tonight, let’s go to the game and you can do something there!!
MichaelaghRosey: Did you just quote Kung Fu Panda...
CarlyJoy18: You better believe it! Let’s get planning, boo
We formulate our plan, we will buy tickets to tonight’s game, I will wear his jersey, we will make the ultimate sign, which I will hold at the glass at warm ups and then everything will be perfect.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
I should have known things wouldn’t be perfect. They are playing the Canucks and as soon as I leave work early it’s like the universe is working against me. Traffic is horrible and the amount of time I have to get ready stresses me out and my stomach feels like crap. Not sure if this is from nerves or the tacos from lunch, but either way, it’s not a good feeling. Luckily I easily find my Versteeg sweater and throw it on over some leggings and riding boots; it’s like I am wearing an oversized sweater dress but it looks cute. I decide to throw on one of his black beanies I found to top the look off, I know he will recognize it and hope it just shows him that I never stopped caring.
Tickets are another story, I should have just called Abby and gotten the hook up but it’s too late for that at this point. Everything on StubHub is ridiculously overpriced and I can feel my credit card screaming in pain as I buy some 200 level seats. Normally I would just sit in the 300 level but with only a $40 difference, it’s worth it to be closer and for the perks. Plus if he rejects me, I can indulge in some free refreshments. But what if he rejects me? I look at myself in the mirror as I head out to Carly’s car and my stomach drops. What if he does? He seemed so angry with me before, like I wasn’t the person he thought he was. And I know I’m not, but I know I am better. And that’s the Michaelagh I will show him tonight.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Luckily we get to the UC with plenty of time to spare and are able to smuggle in some glitter poster markers, I want him to see the poster and be impressed. And if there is one thing I excel at, it’s arts and crafts. But as we get to the Home Depot poster center I choke up, Carly and I throw a few things out but everything seems so cheesy, so forced, or fake. And then it hits me, it’s perfect. A Harry Potter quote, the books and movies were one of the first things we had in common.
In big red glitter letters the poster says,
Always.
And in small parenthesis underneath,
(I love you.)
I take a deep breath, and head to the seats by the glass.
“Well here goes nothing, right?” Carly gives me a small smile of encouragement.
“Let’s go get your dude!”