Buried Feelings

I had to leave.

I woke up at 3am and saw her laying next to me, her head on my arm. Watching her chest rise and fall became too much for me and I had to get up. I threw on my boxers and walked to the living room. I looked at all her pictures on the wall, I recognize some of the people, her mom, brother, Carly, Rachel, some other girls from college, but a majority of them are new faces. People from her life within the past three years, three years I missed out on because I was an idiot.

I hate myself for it. I can't imagine how hard things were for her, I knew about the internet bullying, the rumors about why we broke up but I didn't care, I thought that was better than what the truth would have put her through. I run my hands through my hair, I have been avoiding the guilt since I left and now it's hitting me full force. Who the fuck do I think I am coming back into her life like this?

"What am I doing?" I shake my and look at the pictures again. I didn't even give her a chance to turn me away, I forced myself back into her life without even considering what was best for her. She had a life after and before me again, friends, boyfriends, her career, and I just barged back in to take what I wanted.

I feel the anxiety rising, I walk quietly into the bedroom, she's sleeping soundly and I get dressed without making a sound. Gus raises his head and glances up at me, I silently will him to not make a noise; he seems to get the silent message and lays his head down. I walk back into her kitchen, everything in this place is so her. Down to subtle sparkle in the white countertop. I contemplate leaving a note but what can I say that will explain why I left this time, it's just something we will have to talk about later, I guess.

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I get back to my place at Trump Tower and stare out at the city. I loved Chicago from the moment I moved here, and I hated it when I left. I don't know what the future holds for me here, but I know at this point I have a choice to make. It's either me by myself or us together. And whatever I pick is going to affect everything else. But I just don't know. I check the clock and it's nearly 5am, definitely time for bed.

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I wake up to my morning skate alarm, I don't want to get up. The guilt from everything has hit me, I left her again, not in the same way but still, I left when I couldn't handle the gravity of my choices and actions. And the guilt from the first time I left her.

I take the water glass on my nightstand and throw it on the floor. It shatters and the water pools on the tile. I call down to housekeeping and have them send someone up to clean up the mess as I head out to Johnny's.

The car ride is tense even though it's just me in the car. I turn on the radio but every song reminds me of her and I have to shut it off; I can't handle anymore anxiety that I have right now. I have to focus on my job. And then my phone goes off.

"Hey, did you just run out for a bit? Or are you gone, gone?" I can hear her saying it, picture her pacing the floor, filled with the same anxiety as I am.

"Sorry, have practice today and had to get out earlier than expected. Didn't want to wake you, call you after practice."

I am not running away this time, not leaving her again, not when she's made it clear that she's made her choice and it's being with me.

"Okay, great. Had me worried :)"

This is going to work, I am going to make it work. And with that, I feel the anxiety lessen and I tighten my skates. Gliding on the ice and leaving all my worries on the bench.