Buried Feelings
Christmas Wishes
The last time I spoke to my father was on the eve of my college graduation, I wasn’t ever sure how he found out that I was graduating but he did and he called. It was an awkward conversation, so formal and uncomfortable. He let me know that he and his wife sent me a present in the mail and they wished me the best of the luck in my future endeavors.
And that was it. He left my mom when I was young, he left us. I remember that my mom told me what happened, he had a girlfriend for about a year and then decided it was time to leave, and he did just that. I later found out that he stayed home from work that day, presented my mom with divorce and custody papers. He told her if she didn’t agree to his terms that he would file for primary custody of my brother and I. And since he had the money, the job, and the means to do so she agreed. She agreed to child support for each of us until we turned 18, to her having primary physical and legal custody. He would mandate any visitation (which he never chose to do anyway) and surrendered any right in making decisions about our lives. He chose to reset his life, started a new life with his new wife Laura. They even had two kids, I have two siblings in Pennsylvania that I have never met, and I frankly have no desire to be a part of their life.
I don’t even have my father’s number, so when a Pennsylvania number calls me at 6am on Christmas Eve I answer it, thinking maybe it’s a bill collector or something important. Only to hear my father on the other side of the line. He wants to know how I am, he makes small talk, and then he asks me if I want to visit him, my 12 year old sister wants to meet me, wants to meet my brother, so he would like it if I could set some time aside and come out to Philadelphia where they live.
I hang up. I am angry, no, furious. I haven’t heard from this man since I was 21 and he calls to ask me this because his daughter, this girl who is my sister, has a desire to know who we are. It is so incredibly selfish and it makes me sick. I find myself lying in bed crying hysterically, this is a part of me that I never dealt with and never healed. Before I know it I am calling Kris, I know at this moment he is the only person I feel comfortable calling, opening up to about this right now.
The phone is ringing and I look at my bedside clock, it is 5:11am in Lethbridge, he will be sleeping after his late flight and I feel guilty, and am about to hang up until he answers.
“Hello?” He groans into the phone.
“Hi.” I almost whisper, trying to hide the fact that I have been crying, but my sobs betray me and a few slip out.
“Kae? Are you okay?” He sounds more awake, he sounds genuinely worried.
“No, I’m not.” And I break into more sobs and can’t stop; I’m hysterical for nearly five minutes. I can hear his breathing; he stays awake and stays on the phone silently, letting me get out the cries. “I wish you were here.” I whisper into the phone, I wish he were here to hold me.
“Me too, Kae, me too.” He whispers back, I close my eyes and picture him lying next to me, our foreheads touching, just lying in peace. A few more minutes of silence pass before he breaks it, “What’s wrong, Michaelagh? Tell me please.” He says pleadingly, he sounds exhausted but I know it’s not because of me.
“My dad just called me.” And that’s all I can get out before breaking into more snobs.
“I’m sorry babe, I am so sorry.” He sits on the phone with me for a few minutes while I cry before I apologize for waking him up and insisting he head back to sleep.
“Just call me later, okay? Please?”
“Of course, Kaela. Call me if you need anything okay?”
“I will Kris, tell your family I say Merry Christmas, please?”
“You too babe, have a good day.”
And we hang up. All I want for Christmas is for Kris to be here, to hold me, to make me feel better. But I have another week before I get to spend any time with him. Ugh.
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I head over to my mom’s for Christmas Eve dinner; it’s always been a tradition. Her, my brother Mitchell and I celebrate our Christmas on Christmas Eve and then we go to her sister’s on Christmas Day. Christmas Eve is easily my favorite holiday of the year, although today is a little different. I don’t want to bring the phone call from my father up, even almost 15 years later it still upsets my mom and my brother. It’s better left to another day.
I get to my mom’s and I immediately feel home. She lives in a far north suburb on the Chain of Lakes; it’s a small rustic cottage home with a fire always burning and her dachshunds relaxing in front of it with their bones. The turkey in the oven smells heavenly and the Christmas decorations are far better than any seen in a magazine.
But I can’t find my mom, or brother anywhere.
“Hellooooo?” I shout from the entryway as I unhook Gus and hang up my pea coat. “Mom? Mitchell? Where are you guys?”
My mom comes into the entryway and gives me a hurried hug. “Merry Christmas Mickey!” Something is up, she is almost too excited.
“Um you too, mom. What’s going on?” My mom has an awful poker face; she can never hide her true emotions.
“Okay…”she says, smiling like a nut, “Your brother has a surprise for you, but I have to blindfold you, okay?”
What the hell. “Mom. What is going on?” We both know I don’t have the patience for games like these and after the day I have already had this is the last thing I want to do, I would rather be sitting by the fire, drinking a large glass of wine and eating some appetizers, not playing some silly game.
“Please Mickey, just play along.” Her childhood nickname for me always melts me, and she knows it. And before I can protest again she ties my scarf around my eyes. “Okay, are you blind?”
“As a bat.” I say giggling, her excitement and lightheartedness are contagious.
She walks me through the kitchen and dining room and towards the family room, I know the house backwards and forwards without having to see it, I anticipate that the surprise is some type of present from my brother so I let my anticipation build. He always has a knack for picking out gifts I love.
“Okay ready? One, two, and three!” She yells as she unties the scarf, the scarf drops and I look to the tree, my brother is standing there with a huge grin on his face, I turn my head slightly and I see what my present was.
Kristopher Royce Versteeg is standing in my mother’s family room, holding a bouquet of flowers.
“Merry Christmas, Michaelagh.”
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My mom and brother go to the kitchen to finish cooking to give us some privacy, they know we are back together but know that it is on shaky ground. Both of them are huge Kris fans so they will make themselves busy to give us a chance to be together.
I grab Kris’ hand and cuddle into his shoulder. “I can’t believe you came here.” I say as I stare into the fire, willing myself not to cry at this act of kindness.
“I had to when I heard you crying this morning, it broke my heart. I couldn’t let your Christmas be ruined because of that, so I got up, told my mom, she booked a ticket while I showered and I got on the 8am flight. I called your brother when I landed and rented a car; it’s parked down the street. I am a pretty clever guy, huh?”
“Very clever. This is a fantastic Christmas surprise, thank you.” We share a soft kiss; it reassures me that this was the right decision. That giving us another chance was the right decision for me.
We eat dinner with my family and everything feels so natural. They all love each other and get along so well, I can’t imagine a better reintroduction of Kris into my life. Shortly after dinner, we settle in to open presents. I get some cute clothes, riding boots, books, and Game of Thrones desk decorations from my brother and some beautiful jewelry from my mom. Once all of the presents are done I notice a new one has snuck under the tree.
“Who is that for?” I ask my brother, pointing it out. He grabs it and flips open the tag.
“To Michaelagh, from Santa.” He gives it a shake to see if it makes any noise, but nothing happens and he tosses it to me.
“Okay, really, who is this from.”? My mom and brother smile and shrug their shoulders. I look to Kris and he looks genuinely confused. I rip open the paper and then the small rectangular box. Inside is my passport, Kris’ passport and two red-eye tickets to Lethbridge.
“We are going to your house for Christmas Day?” I don’t even look up; a huge smile spreads across my face. He is taking me home for the holidays, something that was always on my relationship bucket list with him.
“Yep, Mama Versteeg insisted and your lovely mom consented to my stealing of you on Christmas Day. Our flight leaves tonight at 11:15pm, so we should get going soon if that’s okay with your family.” The excitement on his face is contagious, he looks like a little boy on Christmas, excited to show off his new toy and to spread his joy.
My mom stands up, gives him a hug and says, “I can make your dessert to go! You better get going!” She runs into the bedroom and wheels out a suitcase. “It’s prepacked, Kae.”
We say our goodbyes and head to the car. “So how is your Christmas so far?” Kris asks once we get headed towards the highway.
“Right now, it’s shaping up to be the best one yet.” I smile at him and he takes my hand and gives it a kiss.
And that was it. He left my mom when I was young, he left us. I remember that my mom told me what happened, he had a girlfriend for about a year and then decided it was time to leave, and he did just that. I later found out that he stayed home from work that day, presented my mom with divorce and custody papers. He told her if she didn’t agree to his terms that he would file for primary custody of my brother and I. And since he had the money, the job, and the means to do so she agreed. She agreed to child support for each of us until we turned 18, to her having primary physical and legal custody. He would mandate any visitation (which he never chose to do anyway) and surrendered any right in making decisions about our lives. He chose to reset his life, started a new life with his new wife Laura. They even had two kids, I have two siblings in Pennsylvania that I have never met, and I frankly have no desire to be a part of their life.
I don’t even have my father’s number, so when a Pennsylvania number calls me at 6am on Christmas Eve I answer it, thinking maybe it’s a bill collector or something important. Only to hear my father on the other side of the line. He wants to know how I am, he makes small talk, and then he asks me if I want to visit him, my 12 year old sister wants to meet me, wants to meet my brother, so he would like it if I could set some time aside and come out to Philadelphia where they live.
I hang up. I am angry, no, furious. I haven’t heard from this man since I was 21 and he calls to ask me this because his daughter, this girl who is my sister, has a desire to know who we are. It is so incredibly selfish and it makes me sick. I find myself lying in bed crying hysterically, this is a part of me that I never dealt with and never healed. Before I know it I am calling Kris, I know at this moment he is the only person I feel comfortable calling, opening up to about this right now.
The phone is ringing and I look at my bedside clock, it is 5:11am in Lethbridge, he will be sleeping after his late flight and I feel guilty, and am about to hang up until he answers.
“Hello?” He groans into the phone.
“Hi.” I almost whisper, trying to hide the fact that I have been crying, but my sobs betray me and a few slip out.
“Kae? Are you okay?” He sounds more awake, he sounds genuinely worried.
“No, I’m not.” And I break into more sobs and can’t stop; I’m hysterical for nearly five minutes. I can hear his breathing; he stays awake and stays on the phone silently, letting me get out the cries. “I wish you were here.” I whisper into the phone, I wish he were here to hold me.
“Me too, Kae, me too.” He whispers back, I close my eyes and picture him lying next to me, our foreheads touching, just lying in peace. A few more minutes of silence pass before he breaks it, “What’s wrong, Michaelagh? Tell me please.” He says pleadingly, he sounds exhausted but I know it’s not because of me.
“My dad just called me.” And that’s all I can get out before breaking into more snobs.
“I’m sorry babe, I am so sorry.” He sits on the phone with me for a few minutes while I cry before I apologize for waking him up and insisting he head back to sleep.
“Just call me later, okay? Please?”
“Of course, Kaela. Call me if you need anything okay?”
“I will Kris, tell your family I say Merry Christmas, please?”
“You too babe, have a good day.”
And we hang up. All I want for Christmas is for Kris to be here, to hold me, to make me feel better. But I have another week before I get to spend any time with him. Ugh.
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I head over to my mom’s for Christmas Eve dinner; it’s always been a tradition. Her, my brother Mitchell and I celebrate our Christmas on Christmas Eve and then we go to her sister’s on Christmas Day. Christmas Eve is easily my favorite holiday of the year, although today is a little different. I don’t want to bring the phone call from my father up, even almost 15 years later it still upsets my mom and my brother. It’s better left to another day.
I get to my mom’s and I immediately feel home. She lives in a far north suburb on the Chain of Lakes; it’s a small rustic cottage home with a fire always burning and her dachshunds relaxing in front of it with their bones. The turkey in the oven smells heavenly and the Christmas decorations are far better than any seen in a magazine.
But I can’t find my mom, or brother anywhere.
“Hellooooo?” I shout from the entryway as I unhook Gus and hang up my pea coat. “Mom? Mitchell? Where are you guys?”
My mom comes into the entryway and gives me a hurried hug. “Merry Christmas Mickey!” Something is up, she is almost too excited.
“Um you too, mom. What’s going on?” My mom has an awful poker face; she can never hide her true emotions.
“Okay…”she says, smiling like a nut, “Your brother has a surprise for you, but I have to blindfold you, okay?”
What the hell. “Mom. What is going on?” We both know I don’t have the patience for games like these and after the day I have already had this is the last thing I want to do, I would rather be sitting by the fire, drinking a large glass of wine and eating some appetizers, not playing some silly game.
“Please Mickey, just play along.” Her childhood nickname for me always melts me, and she knows it. And before I can protest again she ties my scarf around my eyes. “Okay, are you blind?”
“As a bat.” I say giggling, her excitement and lightheartedness are contagious.
She walks me through the kitchen and dining room and towards the family room, I know the house backwards and forwards without having to see it, I anticipate that the surprise is some type of present from my brother so I let my anticipation build. He always has a knack for picking out gifts I love.
“Okay ready? One, two, and three!” She yells as she unties the scarf, the scarf drops and I look to the tree, my brother is standing there with a huge grin on his face, I turn my head slightly and I see what my present was.
Kristopher Royce Versteeg is standing in my mother’s family room, holding a bouquet of flowers.
“Merry Christmas, Michaelagh.”
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My mom and brother go to the kitchen to finish cooking to give us some privacy, they know we are back together but know that it is on shaky ground. Both of them are huge Kris fans so they will make themselves busy to give us a chance to be together.
I grab Kris’ hand and cuddle into his shoulder. “I can’t believe you came here.” I say as I stare into the fire, willing myself not to cry at this act of kindness.
“I had to when I heard you crying this morning, it broke my heart. I couldn’t let your Christmas be ruined because of that, so I got up, told my mom, she booked a ticket while I showered and I got on the 8am flight. I called your brother when I landed and rented a car; it’s parked down the street. I am a pretty clever guy, huh?”
“Very clever. This is a fantastic Christmas surprise, thank you.” We share a soft kiss; it reassures me that this was the right decision. That giving us another chance was the right decision for me.
We eat dinner with my family and everything feels so natural. They all love each other and get along so well, I can’t imagine a better reintroduction of Kris into my life. Shortly after dinner, we settle in to open presents. I get some cute clothes, riding boots, books, and Game of Thrones desk decorations from my brother and some beautiful jewelry from my mom. Once all of the presents are done I notice a new one has snuck under the tree.
“Who is that for?” I ask my brother, pointing it out. He grabs it and flips open the tag.
“To Michaelagh, from Santa.” He gives it a shake to see if it makes any noise, but nothing happens and he tosses it to me.
“Okay, really, who is this from.”? My mom and brother smile and shrug their shoulders. I look to Kris and he looks genuinely confused. I rip open the paper and then the small rectangular box. Inside is my passport, Kris’ passport and two red-eye tickets to Lethbridge.
“We are going to your house for Christmas Day?” I don’t even look up; a huge smile spreads across my face. He is taking me home for the holidays, something that was always on my relationship bucket list with him.
“Yep, Mama Versteeg insisted and your lovely mom consented to my stealing of you on Christmas Day. Our flight leaves tonight at 11:15pm, so we should get going soon if that’s okay with your family.” The excitement on his face is contagious, he looks like a little boy on Christmas, excited to show off his new toy and to spread his joy.
My mom stands up, gives him a hug and says, “I can make your dessert to go! You better get going!” She runs into the bedroom and wheels out a suitcase. “It’s prepacked, Kae.”
We say our goodbyes and head to the car. “So how is your Christmas so far?” Kris asks once we get headed towards the highway.
“Right now, it’s shaping up to be the best one yet.” I smile at him and he takes my hand and gives it a kiss.