Buried Feelings
Christmastime, Eh
I last 15 minutes into the flight before I am asleep.
I dream about the future, about traveling with Kris and building a life together in some dream future. And then I have a nightmare, probably one of the worst I could imagine, my father showing up at my condo, unannounced and proclaiming that we will have a relationship.
It jolts me out of my deep sleep, my head is damp with sweat and my breathing is rushed. I look around the dark cabin and see the few other passengers are sound asleep. I look to my left and see Kris sound asleep, his head tilted back and his mouth wide open. I giggle at the sight of him, a true pro at sleeping on a plane. A flight attendant passes by me, "Excuse me," I whisper loudly, "How long until we land?"
"We are still another two hours away from landing, can I get you a coffee or a snack?" She asks politely.
"No thanks, I may stretch my legs though if that's okay?" She gives me a small nod of approval and heads back to her station.
I move to get up but his hand catches mine, I didn't notice that he was holding onto my hand but as I move he holds tighter. I whisper, "Kris, I gotta get up." But he doesn't seem to hear me, he doesn't even seem awake. I try to move again, he grasps tighter again and then pulls my hand onto his chest and clasps it under his. Even unconscious he can't stand to be apart from me, the thought of Kris lost without me amuses me and I let out a louder laugh and the woman across from us shoots me a dirty look. I raise my eyebrows at her and she scoffs. Deciding a confrontation isn't it, I pull my legs under me and curl up into him, slipping back into one of my blissful Kris filled dreams.
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For some reason our flight is delayed so it is almost 6am by the time we get into the gate and off the plane. We groggily get our bags and Kris picks up his rental car. He loads our bags into the car when his phone goes off, he looks at the text and a huge smile spreads over his face, he types in a quick response and puts the phone in his pocket. He doesn't mention anything but hops in the car and warms his hands up in front of the heater, the silly grin still on his face. I find myself getting jealous, automatically assuming it's another girl. He looks over at me and must be able to read it on my face.
"What. Is. Wrong." He says, emphasizing every word, letting me know that whatever I am thinking is ridiculous.
"Nothing." I say calmly and monotone.
He throws his head back and laughs, "Yeah, because nothing is better than fine. Really, come on, what's wrong babe?" He takes my hand in his and massages my knuckles with his thumb. "So tell me."
"Well you looked awfully happy about that mystery text, that's all." I look everywhere at him, saying that makes me incredibly uncomfortable.
"That smile was due to my mom, who got up super early, her text says 'Good morning sunshine, can't wait until my Kris Kringle gets here to open gifts with his special lady.' And I said 'Please don't embarrass me you crazy woman.' Nothing to hide from you my sweet girl." He leans over and places a kiss on my cheek.
I feel my anger and jealousy dissipate and I feel stupid. I turn away from him to not show my embarrassment, "I'm sorry then, I guess I overreacted." Which is an understatement, that little text message exposed an issue I had been avoiding with him, I don't trust him. I feel tears begin to well up and I can feel redness reach my face. He looks over to me from the road and squeezes my hand.
"Hey now, what's wrong for real? Tears don't come from that do they?" He has genuine concern in his voice and worry shows over his face.
"I think it's the lack of sleep and coffee and the fact that things just seem to be moving quickly." I take a breath and see that his gets sucked out of him, "But I don't want to slow down, or pull back, there are just things that have to fall into place and we need to work on, insecurities that I have about me and about us." I rush it out, like a bandaid, you have to pull it off quickly and get it over with. I hold my eyes shut and wait for his response. He pulls my hands up to his lips and leaves a kiss on it as he keeps driving.
"Michaelagh, I am not perfect. I made a lot of bad choices, but this time is different no matter how cheesy that sounds. I will show you that and we can work through all of this, okay?"
I open my eyes and take a deep breath, relief floods over my body and everything relaxes. I look at him and give him a small smile, "Okay."
"Now get ready, because my mom is probably going to bombard you with questions, hugs, and pancakes. I think she is more excited that I am bringing you with me than I actually came back."
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Kris' parents live in the same house that they raised him and his two younger brothers, in a modest house on the west side of Lethbridge. The moment I get in the house his mom gives me a giant hug, "Merry Christmas, Michaelagh, praise the Lord for making my son realize that he needed you back in his life!" She squeals with delight and plants a kiss on my cheek.
The house is decorated perfectly, lots of family memories fill the walls and a decorated tree in every room. The family room has the largest of all, a 10 foot real tree decorated in only hockey related decorations. I take it all in and his mom comes up from behind me and gives me a side hug.
"Can I tell you again how happy I am he brought you back? Thank you for giving him another chance, he has been praying for this for years. Give him a chance to show what a good boy he is, can you promise me that?" She laid her head on my shoulder as we stood there.
"Sure, I can promise that." And I leaned my head on hers.
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Christmas with the Versteeg's was amazing. The short trip when by incredibly fast and before I know it Kris and I were on a plane back to Chicago. He had to prep for a game the next evening and I had to pack for my trip with my brother. We pull up to the front of my condo when I realize that I haven't asked him something yet.
"Do you have plans next Saturday night? I don't think you have a game."
"Um, nope no game and no plans yet, why?"
"Would you like to be my date to the public defender's holiday party?"
"Partying with a bunch of attorneys? What wouldn't I rather do?" He asks teasingly, "I would love to."
"Perfect, it's a date."
We have one perfect long kiss in the car, long enough where when we separate I have to get off his lap and out of the driver's side. I won't see him until New Year's Eve and that kiss was so perfect, I just may make it until then.
I dream about the future, about traveling with Kris and building a life together in some dream future. And then I have a nightmare, probably one of the worst I could imagine, my father showing up at my condo, unannounced and proclaiming that we will have a relationship.
It jolts me out of my deep sleep, my head is damp with sweat and my breathing is rushed. I look around the dark cabin and see the few other passengers are sound asleep. I look to my left and see Kris sound asleep, his head tilted back and his mouth wide open. I giggle at the sight of him, a true pro at sleeping on a plane. A flight attendant passes by me, "Excuse me," I whisper loudly, "How long until we land?"
"We are still another two hours away from landing, can I get you a coffee or a snack?" She asks politely.
"No thanks, I may stretch my legs though if that's okay?" She gives me a small nod of approval and heads back to her station.
I move to get up but his hand catches mine, I didn't notice that he was holding onto my hand but as I move he holds tighter. I whisper, "Kris, I gotta get up." But he doesn't seem to hear me, he doesn't even seem awake. I try to move again, he grasps tighter again and then pulls my hand onto his chest and clasps it under his. Even unconscious he can't stand to be apart from me, the thought of Kris lost without me amuses me and I let out a louder laugh and the woman across from us shoots me a dirty look. I raise my eyebrows at her and she scoffs. Deciding a confrontation isn't it, I pull my legs under me and curl up into him, slipping back into one of my blissful Kris filled dreams.
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For some reason our flight is delayed so it is almost 6am by the time we get into the gate and off the plane. We groggily get our bags and Kris picks up his rental car. He loads our bags into the car when his phone goes off, he looks at the text and a huge smile spreads over his face, he types in a quick response and puts the phone in his pocket. He doesn't mention anything but hops in the car and warms his hands up in front of the heater, the silly grin still on his face. I find myself getting jealous, automatically assuming it's another girl. He looks over at me and must be able to read it on my face.
"What. Is. Wrong." He says, emphasizing every word, letting me know that whatever I am thinking is ridiculous.
"Nothing." I say calmly and monotone.
He throws his head back and laughs, "Yeah, because nothing is better than fine. Really, come on, what's wrong babe?" He takes my hand in his and massages my knuckles with his thumb. "So tell me."
"Well you looked awfully happy about that mystery text, that's all." I look everywhere at him, saying that makes me incredibly uncomfortable.
"That smile was due to my mom, who got up super early, her text says 'Good morning sunshine, can't wait until my Kris Kringle gets here to open gifts with his special lady.' And I said 'Please don't embarrass me you crazy woman.' Nothing to hide from you my sweet girl." He leans over and places a kiss on my cheek.
I feel my anger and jealousy dissipate and I feel stupid. I turn away from him to not show my embarrassment, "I'm sorry then, I guess I overreacted." Which is an understatement, that little text message exposed an issue I had been avoiding with him, I don't trust him. I feel tears begin to well up and I can feel redness reach my face. He looks over to me from the road and squeezes my hand.
"Hey now, what's wrong for real? Tears don't come from that do they?" He has genuine concern in his voice and worry shows over his face.
"I think it's the lack of sleep and coffee and the fact that things just seem to be moving quickly." I take a breath and see that his gets sucked out of him, "But I don't want to slow down, or pull back, there are just things that have to fall into place and we need to work on, insecurities that I have about me and about us." I rush it out, like a bandaid, you have to pull it off quickly and get it over with. I hold my eyes shut and wait for his response. He pulls my hands up to his lips and leaves a kiss on it as he keeps driving.
"Michaelagh, I am not perfect. I made a lot of bad choices, but this time is different no matter how cheesy that sounds. I will show you that and we can work through all of this, okay?"
I open my eyes and take a deep breath, relief floods over my body and everything relaxes. I look at him and give him a small smile, "Okay."
"Now get ready, because my mom is probably going to bombard you with questions, hugs, and pancakes. I think she is more excited that I am bringing you with me than I actually came back."
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Kris' parents live in the same house that they raised him and his two younger brothers, in a modest house on the west side of Lethbridge. The moment I get in the house his mom gives me a giant hug, "Merry Christmas, Michaelagh, praise the Lord for making my son realize that he needed you back in his life!" She squeals with delight and plants a kiss on my cheek.
The house is decorated perfectly, lots of family memories fill the walls and a decorated tree in every room. The family room has the largest of all, a 10 foot real tree decorated in only hockey related decorations. I take it all in and his mom comes up from behind me and gives me a side hug.
"Can I tell you again how happy I am he brought you back? Thank you for giving him another chance, he has been praying for this for years. Give him a chance to show what a good boy he is, can you promise me that?" She laid her head on my shoulder as we stood there.
"Sure, I can promise that." And I leaned my head on hers.
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Christmas with the Versteeg's was amazing. The short trip when by incredibly fast and before I know it Kris and I were on a plane back to Chicago. He had to prep for a game the next evening and I had to pack for my trip with my brother. We pull up to the front of my condo when I realize that I haven't asked him something yet.
"Do you have plans next Saturday night? I don't think you have a game."
"Um, nope no game and no plans yet, why?"
"Would you like to be my date to the public defender's holiday party?"
"Partying with a bunch of attorneys? What wouldn't I rather do?" He asks teasingly, "I would love to."
"Perfect, it's a date."
We have one perfect long kiss in the car, long enough where when we separate I have to get off his lap and out of the driver's side. I won't see him until New Year's Eve and that kiss was so perfect, I just may make it until then.