Buried Feelings

There was barely any traffic on the way home, it felt like we flew to Lincoln Park, after a few songs we sat in awkward silence with Kris asking a few general questions about my life now, do I still make homemade pizza? Am I still obsessed with Harry Potter? Do I still hoard Red Vines? It seemed like he was grasping for straws, he could see that just because I gave him a ride did not mean I was letting him back into my life completely, I mentally applauded my cool demeanor and the fact that I kept up my resolve to not give in to what he clearly wanted.

Before I could even open the door, I could hear Gus nearly heaving and barking out of excitement, Kris perked up when he heard it too, "Is that Gus?!"

"Yep, it's my Gus." Again, drawing a line in the hypothetical sand in my mind, Kris had bought me Gus as a present and probably for that reason, Gus was drawn to him. So when Kris left, both myself and my dog had to nurse broken hearts. I opened the door and Gus howled his yelp of excitement and uncontrollably spun in circles until Kris scooped him up, what a sickenigly cute moment it was. I quickly shook it out of my head and laid his coat on the chair, giving him the hint that after we ate he would have to go quickly since I took no time to hang up his coat.

I don't know where I got this idea, or even why I believed it, but I thought it was a great idea.

"Um, do you want a tour? So you can start cooking?" I ask impatiently.

"Sure, lead me to the kitchen," he says as he baby talks to Gus before setting him down and walking into the living room, "This is really nice, great color scheme." He plops down on my couch.

"Kris, come on, it is late, you are hungry, and I am exhausted. So the faster you cook, the faster we eat, then the faster I sleep," throwing my hands up in the air and then motioning to finish the tour.

"Yes, boss!" He says before saluting me. I show him the kitchen and lay all the ingredients out as he pre-heats the oven.

"Okay, so you get started while I run Gus outside and then we eat," flashing him a friendly smile.

Fifteen minutes later, Gus and I make our way back upstairs, before we get in the condo we can both smell the baking omelets and I realize that I was hungry too. Walking into the living room I see Kris looking at all the pictures on my wall, he is focusing on one and until I round the corner, I don't see what it is. "Which picture are you looking at?" I ask as I put away the leash and baggies.

"You and some guy, is that your boyfriend?" His tone is flat, just questioning.

"Well, that is Justin, and we date on and off, but no I wouldn't call him my boyfriend," He wasn't my boyfriend because anytime he wanted to put a label on it, I would pull back until I got lonely and asked him to take me back, only to go through this cycle several times over the past year.

"Okay," and with a nod he heads back to the kitchen, "Your condo is really nice, it's very you. Omelets ready in five."

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He clears the plates for us, and I feel myself already drifting into sleep. We ate on the couch and watched an episode of The Office, he seemingly got my subliminal messages and respected my space while we ate.

I sit there and get lost in my thoughts, this had been a weird few hours but while we ate it felt like old Kris and Kaela, its felt familiar and comfortable. I have to keep reminding myself how he broke my heart, how he got traded on June 30th, dropped off the grid until I saw him on a gossip site partying in Toronto, only to come back a week later with a box of my stuff and a "I'm sorry, this just won't work long distance." No conversation, no trying, no hope. He didn't even seem sorry, I remember how cold he was toward me as we said good bye, the hug seeming like the awkward hugs that happen at funerals. A chill creeped up my spine and that warm feeling I had was gone, I felt the anger, humiliation, and hurt that I felt when he first left.

Kris walked back in the room and sat down next to me before I snapped out of it. He reaches for my head and pulls me into a kiss, his lips are soft and his kiss is gentle; it takes me a second to realize what is happening and I pull away but before he pulls me in deeper.

"WHAT ARE YOU DOING?!" I yell as I push myself onto the far end of the couch, "You don't get to come in my home and kiss me! Who the fuck do you think you are?" I am not yelling anymore but my voice is strained and I can feel the tears flowing, "You don't get to get traded and just come back in my life again, Kris. This is not how the world works, I have a life, a life I worked so hard to rebuild after you shattered it last time. I am not 22 and stupid anymore, I have a life, a life that does not involve you. I am helping you because I thought it would be nice since we have a history, not so you could walk into my life and take it over again!"

His face is in shock, his mouth gaping and his eyes showing some hurt, "Sorry, I should go."

"Yes, you should. I will let you know when they drop off your stuff and maybe we can be friends, maybe but Kris, please respect me." I stand up and walk to the door, holding his coat out for him.

"Okay," He says, avoiding any eye contact with me, "Hey, Kaela, I really am sorry, I just thought it was right." And he pats my shoulder gently.

"Get home safely, Kris."