Buried Feelings
It's Brunch
Buzz, buzz, buzz. Goes my iPhone on my nightstand, I try to silence the alarm before realizing that it was a text message and not the alarm. I slide my glasses on and read the message.
"Still on for today?" It's 7am and thanks to my night out last night, far too early. What's today? Shit, today we are supposed to go to brunch. ugh, I would love for nothing more to stay in bed all day and push it back.
"Yea, how about 10am at Jam 'n Honey? It's in Lincoln Park right by my place" I salivate thinking about the stuffed french toast and check his message just to make sure that works with him before rolling over and heading back to sleep.
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I get to the restaurant a little late, I walked there but got down the block before worrying that I hadn't locked my door, which I did, but for some reason my nerves were going wild causing me to doubt myself. I look around at the entrance and I see him right away, he is wearing a relaxed button down and dark jeans, he looks great and I immediately want to turn around and go home. I had fallen back asleep and didn't wake up with enough time to shower or really do anything but throw my hair in a messy bun and swipe on some mascara. Before I can make up my mind on whether to flee or not, he spots me and waves me over, guess there is no escaping it now.
We exchange pleasantries, place our order, and then just sit there in silence. Awkward. I have to say something.
"So I just had..." I say as he says, "Look I am so sorry about that first night..." and we continue to talk over each other just when we think the other is done talking, eventually falling into a fit of laughter before the table next to us shoots us dirty looks.
"Okay you go first," he says trying to stifle his laughs still. I take a deep breath because I know what I am about to say will suck that lightheartedness right out of the conversation.
"Look, Kris, I think things got started on the wrong foot when you came back, I was, I am still hurt by how everything ended and seeing you, spending just that little bit of time with you, really brought all those feelings back. Right now, I am not sure how I feel, but I do know that I want, no, I need some answers about why we broke up, so that maybe we can work on a friendship if that's what we decide we want, or at the very least, just give me some closure that I realized I never got." I take another deep breath, realizing that I said that all in one breath and probably too quick for anyone to understand. He runs his hands through his hair and takes a sip of his orange juice.
"Okay, that's fair. I can answer the questions for you and hopefully we can move past this for our friendship, because I am not going to lie to you Michaelagh, I missed you, maybe I didn't know it the entire time I was gone but I knew when I got the trade news, I felt it then."
He missed me? What does that even mean at this point? "Well, honestly, why did you break up with me like that?" I wanted to know more but this was a starting point.
He chuckled a bit, "That's a bit of a first question. Why? I don't know, Kae. I was angry about the trade, I knew it could happen but I was pissed it did. I hated Chicago at the time and I decided I didn't want any connections to it so I thought we needed to break up, so we did. Maybe I didn't handle it great, but I was, what, 23? I didn't know what I was doing then, neither did you, I just knew that at that time I needed to move beyond the Hawks and Chicago."
I didn't like that answer, I felt it was a copout and he must have read it on my face.
"I know, it sounds shitty but that's why." He kept looking to the low right and wouldn't make eye contact with me, I knew what that meant thanks to law school. He was lying. But why? What was the point in lying? I think we both knew that his answer sucked anyway so what could really be worse than that? And then it hit me, he cheated, or he fell in love with someone else and at the moment I felt like I got sucker punched in my stomach.
"Was there someone else?" I say so softly, I can barely hear it in the busy restaurant and until I look up at him I wasn't sure he heard either, but I know he did.
"No, there wasn't someone else." He says softly, I believe him this time, he looks at me straight in the eyes.
But part of me doesn't believe him. Hockey isn't the reason he left me without any reason, he is still keeping a secret, and I know that we aren't at a point where I can push him to tell me it. So I simply say, "Okay, I believe you." And give him the smallest of smiles.
Just then our food comes and we dive in, we talk about a lot of things, politics, his family, my family, and my job. When we were together the first time he never seemed overly interested in what I was studying but he was always proud and supportive of me, but now he asks dozens of questions and seems genuinely interested in my career. I like it. After we eat, he pays for the meal even though I attempt to wrestle the bill away from him but he claims he owes me since I provided our last meal. We didn't get as much talking done, and I am not sure if I feel closure like I wanted but I feel like overall we are in a good space. i think what he told me is part of the truth, but there is a chunk missing and I need to find out what it is.
"Can I give you a ride home?" He asks, giving me his signature smile.
"No, it's okay, I only live a few blocks down so it's nice to walk. Do you need to get anything from your boxes..." I leave it open ended, I hope he does, so we can have more time together to talk. I forgot how much I enjoyed hanging out with him.
"I think I am okay now, she sent me the clothes and necessary stuff, the things at your place, are just, stuff I guess. I may need stuff but will let you know." All of a sudden he seems cold again, like something has changed suddenly.
"Oh, okay then, I guess." And I turn to walk away, I don't know what happened but it upsets me and I can't look at him anymore for fear of crying.
"Hey, wait. Actually, do you want to come to the game on the 3rd? And then after go grab dinner somewhere? We can talk some more and if you have any other questions, I can answer them." He puts me at ease with his smile.
"Yea, I would really like that." I will make sure I am not hungover at that time, so at least then I can ask what I want without a pounding migraine. "Drive safe, Kris."
"Walk safe, Michaelagh." He says with a wink, and I grab him for a hug. And it feels right. We hug for a few minutes and he gets into his rental and drives away and I walk back to my condo, trying to figure out if anything was resolved during that brunch or if more questions were just brought up.
"Still on for today?" It's 7am and thanks to my night out last night, far too early. What's today? Shit, today we are supposed to go to brunch. ugh, I would love for nothing more to stay in bed all day and push it back.
"Yea, how about 10am at Jam 'n Honey? It's in Lincoln Park right by my place" I salivate thinking about the stuffed french toast and check his message just to make sure that works with him before rolling over and heading back to sleep.
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I get to the restaurant a little late, I walked there but got down the block before worrying that I hadn't locked my door, which I did, but for some reason my nerves were going wild causing me to doubt myself. I look around at the entrance and I see him right away, he is wearing a relaxed button down and dark jeans, he looks great and I immediately want to turn around and go home. I had fallen back asleep and didn't wake up with enough time to shower or really do anything but throw my hair in a messy bun and swipe on some mascara. Before I can make up my mind on whether to flee or not, he spots me and waves me over, guess there is no escaping it now.
We exchange pleasantries, place our order, and then just sit there in silence. Awkward. I have to say something.
"So I just had..." I say as he says, "Look I am so sorry about that first night..." and we continue to talk over each other just when we think the other is done talking, eventually falling into a fit of laughter before the table next to us shoots us dirty looks.
"Okay you go first," he says trying to stifle his laughs still. I take a deep breath because I know what I am about to say will suck that lightheartedness right out of the conversation.
"Look, Kris, I think things got started on the wrong foot when you came back, I was, I am still hurt by how everything ended and seeing you, spending just that little bit of time with you, really brought all those feelings back. Right now, I am not sure how I feel, but I do know that I want, no, I need some answers about why we broke up, so that maybe we can work on a friendship if that's what we decide we want, or at the very least, just give me some closure that I realized I never got." I take another deep breath, realizing that I said that all in one breath and probably too quick for anyone to understand. He runs his hands through his hair and takes a sip of his orange juice.
"Okay, that's fair. I can answer the questions for you and hopefully we can move past this for our friendship, because I am not going to lie to you Michaelagh, I missed you, maybe I didn't know it the entire time I was gone but I knew when I got the trade news, I felt it then."
He missed me? What does that even mean at this point? "Well, honestly, why did you break up with me like that?" I wanted to know more but this was a starting point.
He chuckled a bit, "That's a bit of a first question. Why? I don't know, Kae. I was angry about the trade, I knew it could happen but I was pissed it did. I hated Chicago at the time and I decided I didn't want any connections to it so I thought we needed to break up, so we did. Maybe I didn't handle it great, but I was, what, 23? I didn't know what I was doing then, neither did you, I just knew that at that time I needed to move beyond the Hawks and Chicago."
I didn't like that answer, I felt it was a copout and he must have read it on my face.
"I know, it sounds shitty but that's why." He kept looking to the low right and wouldn't make eye contact with me, I knew what that meant thanks to law school. He was lying. But why? What was the point in lying? I think we both knew that his answer sucked anyway so what could really be worse than that? And then it hit me, he cheated, or he fell in love with someone else and at the moment I felt like I got sucker punched in my stomach.
"Was there someone else?" I say so softly, I can barely hear it in the busy restaurant and until I look up at him I wasn't sure he heard either, but I know he did.
"No, there wasn't someone else." He says softly, I believe him this time, he looks at me straight in the eyes.
But part of me doesn't believe him. Hockey isn't the reason he left me without any reason, he is still keeping a secret, and I know that we aren't at a point where I can push him to tell me it. So I simply say, "Okay, I believe you." And give him the smallest of smiles.
Just then our food comes and we dive in, we talk about a lot of things, politics, his family, my family, and my job. When we were together the first time he never seemed overly interested in what I was studying but he was always proud and supportive of me, but now he asks dozens of questions and seems genuinely interested in my career. I like it. After we eat, he pays for the meal even though I attempt to wrestle the bill away from him but he claims he owes me since I provided our last meal. We didn't get as much talking done, and I am not sure if I feel closure like I wanted but I feel like overall we are in a good space. i think what he told me is part of the truth, but there is a chunk missing and I need to find out what it is.
"Can I give you a ride home?" He asks, giving me his signature smile.
"No, it's okay, I only live a few blocks down so it's nice to walk. Do you need to get anything from your boxes..." I leave it open ended, I hope he does, so we can have more time together to talk. I forgot how much I enjoyed hanging out with him.
"I think I am okay now, she sent me the clothes and necessary stuff, the things at your place, are just, stuff I guess. I may need stuff but will let you know." All of a sudden he seems cold again, like something has changed suddenly.
"Oh, okay then, I guess." And I turn to walk away, I don't know what happened but it upsets me and I can't look at him anymore for fear of crying.
"Hey, wait. Actually, do you want to come to the game on the 3rd? And then after go grab dinner somewhere? We can talk some more and if you have any other questions, I can answer them." He puts me at ease with his smile.
"Yea, I would really like that." I will make sure I am not hungover at that time, so at least then I can ask what I want without a pounding migraine. "Drive safe, Kris."
"Walk safe, Michaelagh." He says with a wink, and I grab him for a hug. And it feels right. We hug for a few minutes and he gets into his rental and drives away and I walk back to my condo, trying to figure out if anything was resolved during that brunch or if more questions were just brought up.