Drowning

Her internal alarm clock woke her up at two in the afternoon. The white of the snow was bright through her blinds that it was utterly impossible to fall back asleep. She kept her grey eyes half opened, too tired to lift them any higher. They scanned the messy room for something to wear considering the fact she just realized she was only in a bra and a pair of panties.

All it took was one quick movement to figure out why it was smart to stay in bed. She held a fistful of blanket underneath her chin, shifting her body to get in a more comfortable position. As soon as her head turned, a rush flew to her brain and soon began throbbing. She let out a powerful groan before she realized she was making a sound. It was apparent she had too much to drink that night and due to the hangover, she couldn’t discover why.

Taking into account that Hannah has been in this position before, although it being over a year, she knew she had to get up sooner or later. Marisa would come knocking, checking to see if she was dead or alive (unless she has done that already). And compared to all the other times she drank to get drunk, Hannah knew this time was different. She can remember the dinner as well as walking into the nightclub last night perfectly fine, but the most important part was fuzzy. The last thing she needed to do was something stupid.

Ignoring the pounding headache, Hannah reached for any article of clothing and threw it over her head. She grabbed a pair of shorts from the dresser drawer and stalked out of the bedroom. Pain reliever and bottled water rested on the kitchen counter. Hannah smiled vaguely at the thought of Marisa thinking about her, but then she remembered that Marisa probably saw her in her worst state last night. As quick as she could, the blonde swallowed two pills, and then headed to the next room over.

The television played some sitcom softly so Marisa could focus on what she looking at on her computer screen. Her eyebrows furrowed and maneuvered the mouse pad quickly. All Hannah could decipher from it was it was some news website, and she was reading an interesting article.

“I take it you had a good night last night.” Marisa spoke up as soon as Hannah took a seat on the same sofa as her. Her eyes didn’t break away from the screen.

“What do you mean by that?” Hannah asked in a mild tone. One wrong turn and she’ll be suffering from this migraine for the rest of her life. “I woke up in my underwear and I can barely comprehend anything right now.”

“It must’ve been all those fruity drinks, yeah?”

Hannah pondered about the liquor she consumed last night. She remembered sipping the fruity content and sitting at the booth with blonde boy. He kept staring at her and ordering another drink each time she finished one. She stopped counting after three for that’s when her common sense went downhill.

“I suppose. I feel like I’ve been drugged.”

Marisa stayed silent for a few seconds, taking her bottom lip between her teeth.

“Well, the whole world feels a little different about you.”

“Pardon?” Hannah swiftly turned, receiving a pulsating throb in her head. She scooted closer to her friend to get a better view of the laptop. Several tabs were open, each one starting with Niall or mystery girl, date or nightclub. Whatever else was in the articles’ title was everything Hannah feared.

“See, I’ve been doing my research ever since last night. I know how you get about your privacy being exposed, and I just wanted to make sure nothing gets out of hand. Fans have posted more pictures than the paps have…”

Marisa kept rambling on about nonsense she’d been doing over the past sixteen hours. In the meantime, Hannah ripped the laptop out of her grip and took over finding all the pieces of the night she’s been missing. She started with the first tab on the far left labeled: Niall Horan Spotted with Unknown Female Last Night.

The article seemed to have far more photographs than paragraphs. One or two sentences were written underneath each picture that looked exactly like the last one. It was unfair, Hannah thought, to have such an article about her be brought out to the public when there clearly was no back-story. The pictures were taken outside the restaurant, and most of the time, Hannah had her head buried in her food. One showed she was glaring at Niall with a blank expression. Part of her was thankful that they didn’t snap one of her yelling at him. If anything, the two of them could be long-lost friends or distant relatives trying to catch up. But of course, the media must go straight to assumptions, which unfortunately were true.

The next tab opened looked similar, but once she reached the fourth one, that’s when the nightclub started being mentioned. After the title, One Direction Member Getting Frisky at Nightclub, Hannah’s heart dropped to the put of her stomach. A photograph of her being dragged through the entrance by hand was the first thing to pop up in the article. Their backs were to the paparazzi, but their figures were very obvious. This tabloid seemed to do the best job at tracking their whereabouts since the paragraphs were much longer. Photos from the restaurant were present on this website, yet it didn’t spend forever writing about that part of the night.

“What a wild night for the twenty-year-old pop star!

While the members of One Direction have their break for the next few months before their World Wide Stadium tour, most have been relaxing with their families and friends…it appears here that Niall Horan has other plans! A majority of the night was spent at a nightclub in downtown London as Niall was spotted holding hands with an unidentified woman walking through the doors. Prior to that, however, the couple was seen at a restaurant not far down the street from this nightclub…”

The article elaborated little by little underneath each photo captured from the dinner. Hannah ignored it, having read it all in the previous readings. Her hand shook as she guided her index finger on the mouse pad, bringing the page down. The next photo was of her holding the fruity drink in her palm, ogling the boy sitting across from her. Both of them didn’t seem fazed by the photography. In fact, the strobe lights had been so distracting that Hannah didn’t notice the flashes of the cameras. She had been smirking at the moment while Niall had his mouth open.

Multiple photos of them in the booth passed, the difference being their facial expressions or body posture. As soon as she saw pictures of her standing, guiding the way to the dance floor, she focused on the article even more. This was the part of the night she missed due to being intoxicated on some drink she didn’t know the name of.

“This is what most of the fans are talking about.” Marisa said, pointing to a photo of Hannah leaning into Niall. Her head was turned to the side, so it was easy to see the drunken smile she held.

Hannah scrolled down the page a little bit more to reveal another photo. She wished she wasn’t that curious to see what it was because it only made her heart sink further down until it felt like it was in her toes. She didn’t know whether it was rage or fear or her well-being, but the shakiness in her hands increased speed. Niall’s arms were snaked around her waist, his head resting on her shoulder, looking like he was whispering something in her ear. Hannah had her hands wrapped around the nape of his neck, keeping him in place as close to her body as possible. This scene caused her anxiety, having it be the fact that she let him in. She was letting him get too close.

The brunette’s finger came across the screen again, interrupting Hannah’s thoughts.

“This is another popular one.”

“What are they saying about me?” Hannah dared to know.

Marisa snatched her laptop back and opened the tab to a website named Tumblr. In the search bar, she had his full name typed in. Mixed in between pictures generally of Niall, Hannah found herself. It was the same fifteen images repeated over and over again. Quoted underneath them for the most part was along the lines of “Niall out with unknown female. 30.11.13.” The most horrific thing Hannah saw was the text posts and how so many of them were literally paragraphs.

“I don’t know if this is an unpopular opinion or not, but I don’t like that girl Niall hung out with. In a lot of the pictures, she looks like an absolute bitch or didn’t want anything to do with Niall. If it were me, I’d be all over him! I just think that Niall could have done a lot better at picking out a girl.”

“This girl Niall was with just looked uninterested. The only time it seemed that she had fun was when they were dancing. She was probably drunk by that time, and it actually doesn’t surprise me…”

“I don’t care. Niall’s new love interest is a slut. Come on, bring on the hate.”

The more text posts she read about fans’ assumptions, the angrier Hannah grew. Nobody knew her, and yet they dared to write nasty things about her on the internet. A majority of these girls had to be under aged and living half way across the world. Hannah knew they were saying this out of spite of their love for Niall and jealousy towards her, but it still didn’t give them the right to openly write these words for everybody to see. What hurt the most was how many people were agreeing with these girls, confirmed by how many notes each post received.

Hannah stood from the sofa and brought her fingertips to her temples. A shooting pain came to her head that instant, but it wasn’t as excruciating as before now that the medicine was kicking in. She rubbed firm circles in that area as she stared at the ground, trying to figure out how she was feeling. So many emotions were washing through her body that they could all act as one. It was hard for her to tell whether she hated herself or Niall more.

“Hannah, are you alright?” Marisa watched her friend with worried eyes.

“How could these people say these things about me?” Her tone sounded high-pitched, the way it always is whenever she is overwhelmed. “They don’t know me at all!”

“You live in a world full of envy when you’re a celebrity. With you being associated with a member of one of the most famous boy bands on the planet, you should expect these things being said about you. Doesn’t make it okay-”

Hannah wiped around to face her friend with a horrified expression. Her mouth contorted to a disgusted look, eyes narrowed until they were thin slits.

“Of course it doesn’t make it okay! I should have never gone out with him in the first place!”

The blonde continued to pace the floor, but this time searching for her cell phone. She neglected the irritating headache, becoming a pest like buzzing bee, as she scoped the end tables and removed the pillows from the sofa.

“Where is my phone?” She groaned.

“Maybe your room?” Marisa suggested. “Are you going to call him?”

“Don’t be ridiculous. I was just going to direct message him on twitter or something. I don’t have his number.”

The brunette raised an eyebrow. “Yes you do.”

Hannah stuttered to find a rational thought, but she couldn’t speak. She kept her mouth open as she glared at Marisa, begging for an explanation. Marisa set her laptop on the coffee table and leaned forward, placing her elbows on her thighs.

“I didn’t mean to interfere, but I heard some knocking on the door at two in the morning. When I answered, you were giggling in your drunken state and told Niall to text you that he got home safely. You exchanged phone numbers right in front of my face. Hannah, you were completely all over the boy.”

She tried to get a recollection of that moment, but nothing was coming to mind. The night turned to fog once she sat down at the booth, sipping on her third drink. Having the thought of not being in control of her actions was bothering her beyond belief. If giving him her phone number happened, then she could only imagine what else she had done last night. Images on the internet confirmed she was drunk dancing –something she never would have thought to do again. To make matters worse, she was grinding on Niall, a universally known man. Putting those pieces together, he must have been very convincing to get her to agree.

Her feet dragged her across the flat to her bedroom, running to the nightstand and taking the phone off of its charger. Frantically, Hannah went to her messages, growing impatient as it was taking forever to load the screen. The unknown number caught her eye at the top of the list, and she dared to click on it. Many exclamation points and smiley faces and “haha” were used on her part. Niall simply told her he’d arrived to his flat, but the conversation didn’t end until ten minutes later.

Hannah exited her bedroom while staring at her phone screen, running her fingers through her ratty hair. She couldn’t process how she let things get this far. All these months of building up these guarded walls seemed to be destroyed in a matter of hours.

“So, now are you going to call him?” Marisa inquired hesitantly. Her head leaned to the side to figure out Hannah’s intentions.

The blonde bit her lip, and then heaved a sigh. “Yes. My anger will eat up inside of me if I don’t let it out.”

Marisa whispered, “Good luck” before returning to her spot on the sofa.

The anonymous number has been dialed by the time Hannah reached her bedroom. She had one of her arms cross over her body while she stared at her furious expression in the mirror. She chewed on the inside of her mouth, probably leaving a prominent bite mark. Her heart dropped when the ringing stopped.

“Hello?” He answered sleepily, his Irish accent very noticeable.

“We have to talk.” She stated firmly, not even giving him the satisfaction of a hello.

“Hannah?” Niall questioned. “I didn’t expect you to call so soon.”

She knew he was referring the moment in the grocery store, telling her the proposition she by no means wanted to answer.

She groaned. “Can we talk or not?”

“Yeah, of course,” He grumbled. “I can come over there…you can come over here if you’d like.”

Hannah wanted to immediately reject the offer to both of those places, but she had to reconsider. Those were the only two options they had; otherwise they were forced to choose a public place. The last thing she needed was to be spotted out in London with Niall attached to her hip because who knows what the media would say about them next. Soon, her full name would be displayed across the world, and assumptions would be made that they were an item.

In order for Niall to come over, Hannah didn’t want Marisa around. She’d have to kick her out of the flat, which was unfair for the brunette. It would be her own selfish desire to invite the celebrity over and tell Marisa to leave. Besides, it was very risky for him to travel about in daylight. The last and only option was Niall’s flat. As reluctant as she was to know his whereabouts, there was a less of a chance of people stalking her.

“Your flat is fine. I’ll meet you in an hour?”

“Yeah, okay, I’ll see ya.”

Hannah ended the call and tossed her phone on the duvet. She took both of her hands and slid them through her blonde hair, exhaling harshly through her nose. The headache was still present. So, knowing that in the next sixty minutes she’s going to be screaming her head off did not comfort her whatsoever. It was best to get this over with as soon as she could.


“Jesus Christ,” She cursed to herself.

The GPS installed in her vehicle made her round almost the entire city of London until she found his neighborhood, which was in the outskirts of the city. Now it was a matter of finding the street and address.

She had done a lot of thinking while on this journey to his home. There were so many things she wanted to discuss with him that she had to make a list in her head. Without any organization, her thoughts would spew out of him with no control. She had taken the time to think about his proposition at the store, which wasn’t so hard to find an answer to. Her mind had been made up since the day he told her. It was the first thing she had planned to say to him.

It appeared he lived in a condo since she kept passing homes that were connected to one another. Her head leaned close to the steering wheel as she tried to figure out every address. The numbers kept going up, so she was heading in the right direction. She finally pulled over to the curb when she reached a house that was halfway down the street.

The area where he lives was quite hushed. Nobody was outside except for a man getting his mail across the road. It could be the temperatures reaching the low forties, or Hannah used to being in an area that was busy all the time. Whatever the reason was, after she got out of the car, she felt like she was being watched. She kept her head lowered until she reached his front door. She rapped on the door twice and waited ten seconds for Niall to open the door.

If Niall had sounded like he had just woken up, he still looked like it too. His hair was tousled and swept to the side, not hair sprayed up like last night. He appeared very casual in a plain white t-shirt and gray sweatpants. Tired eyes lifted to look at Hannah, and he gave a small smile before stepping aside and letting her in.

“Hey-”

“I want out, Niall. I’m done.”

“Whoa,” He rubbed his eyes, shaking his head to wake himself up. “What?”

“After last night, I made up my mind that I want nothing to do with you anymore.”

He looked completely stunned in front of her, as he should be, but at the same time, he should have some recollection of last night. It appeared he wasn’t as wasted as she was unless she was clearly mistaken.

“What made you change your mind?” He asked.

“Changed my mind?” She sounded offended. “Have you forgotten I was piss drunk last night?Whatever happened passed my third drink was definitely not me. And now, I’m being called names by your so-called fans because of it.”

Hannah took her phone from her coat pocket and opened it up to the photos she screenshot from the internet. It was from that blogging website where everybody expressed their rude opinion. She flashed the screen in front of Niall’s face. The Irishman took the phone from her to read the nasty comments, holding a neutral expression. At some points, he squint his eyes and his eyebrows furrowed, showing distress. He shook his head when he gave the phone back to Hannah.

“So, I’m such a slut for hanging out with you one night? I’m such a bitch for holding my natural facial expressions?”

Niall sighed and ran a hand through his messy hair. “Fuck,”

“Is this going to happen every single time I’m seen with you? If that’s the case, then I’m out, Niall. I didn’t even want this to happen in the first place.”

“People say crap like this all the time. You have to learn to ignore it.”

Fury built inside of Hannah like she was a volcano about to erupt. All the blood rushed to her face, her cheeks flushed. How quickly her eyebrows were narrowing to her eyes was an exact representation of how fast her patience was wearing.

“It’s hard to ignore it when it’s right in front of my god damn face!” Hannah shouted, spreading her arms out wide. “I don’t like the spotlight, Niall. I absolutely despise being center of the attention. And you not taking the hint that I didn’t want anything to do with you from the start were one of the dumbest things you’ve ever done. I cannot get used to the publicity by the snap of a finger.”

Her rant left her speechless and breathing raggedly. Niall’s features were expressing hurt. He tried to soften up a little bit, but it wasn’t to the lighthearted face she was used to seeing.

“What do you expect me to do then?” He asked her in an even tone.

“I simply want out.”

The blonde boy let out a short chuckle. He peered at the wood flooring for a moment, rolling on his heels. Then, he met Hannah’s gaze, who didn’t find his fit of laughter the least bit funny.

“Do you know how utterly impossible that is?” He asked her. “You don’t understand that I can’t change their views with a snap of a finger either. There are loads of them already that are searching to find out everything about you. My tweets are not going to stop their search. In fact, it’ll just make it worse.”

“So, this is your entire fault then!” Hannah pointed a finger in his face. “You dragged me into this mess with no way out. Niall, you caused me unnecessary fame.”

There was a pause. Hannah was ready to leave, seeing that there wasn’t any point of staying here any longer knowing that their argument was going nowhere. Nonetheless, she wanted to hear him out, mostly for her own pleasure to shoot back another witty response.

“I’m sorry, Hannah.” He said for the hundredth time since he’s met her. Sighing, he continued. “I just…I just want to get to know you better.”

“Well, maybe there was a reason as to why I didn’t want to get to know you. And this is one of the-”

“I didn’t mean for any of this to happen.” He cut her off. “Everybody follows me every move. It’s hard for me to get to know somebody nowadays. I’m going to keep trying, only if you let me.”

“No.” She stated instantly.

“If it’s because of the comments, I’m serious about ignoring them. There are a fair share of fans out there who I bet absolutely adore you.”

“I don’t care. I don’t want to be seen in public at all.”

Hannah crossed her arms, wanting nothing more than to get out of his flat. Yet, her feet wouldn’t move. They felt like they were glued to the hardwood, forcing her to come to some sort of an agreement. The boy in front of her swallowed, and then inhaling a deep breath before speaking.

“Please…just, don’t leave, okay?” He pleaded. “I’ll keep you out of the media. We can chill at my flat. I mean, I’ll do anything to keep you around and out of sight. If I have to lie, I’ll lie-”

“Niall,” She held her hand out to stop his rant. A laugh escaped past her lips unintentionally. “I don’t need you going the extra mile for me. It’s not worth it.”

His eye color turned to a pale blue, filled with hopelessness, mystification, and displeasure. Hannah watched as his demeanor changed with his eyes. He was defeated like he ran out of convincing words to make her stay in his life. His shoulders slumped, and he couldn’t make eye contact with her.

She was so distraught by all of this. Her purpose of meeting him was to cut all ties with the lad, pretend that none of this ever happened. They could go back to their separate lives, the way she told him at dinner the night before. The boy had to come to sort of conclusion that they would never work. How could a guy like him get along with a girl like her? How could he tolerate her for this long? Her hatred for his lifestyle almost met with how much she didn’t even deserve it. She didn’t even deserve him.

“Why are you so negative all the time?”

The question came quietly out of his mouth, but so sudden that it left Hannah alarmed. She took a good glance at him, unable to make him match her gaze. It was the kind of question she’s been asked before, but could never let the full truth out of her mouth.

“My life is full of negativity. You should have had that figured out by now.”


The door slammed a couple feet away from him. His feet were planted to the floor, afraid that if he took a step, he’d collapse.

After another session of their discussion, Hannah seemed to have enough and finally walked out the door in a hurried fashion. It was his fault for the comments being thrown at her on the internet. He wanted to reason that he wasn’t making these girls say those awful names. It was their own desire, a mean one, but Niall couldn’t stop them. It wasn’t possible to alter all the minds of One Direction fans because they loved the band so much that they wanted what was best for them. And in their minds, bashing on their love interests was a way of showing it. Loving the fans as a whole was never enough since they individually wanted to be loved by the members.

The time leading up to their date was filled with worrying about what public might think. Niall’s seen it all with Louis, Zayn, and especially Liam. From what he’s heard, the people love Eleanor and Louis as a couple. There was rarely anything bad said about them. For being together for two years, they’ve earned a lot of respect. Zayn with Perrie were slightly different, but not entirely. They were two people from well-known bands, so there have been comments. But, now they are engaged and not giving a care in the world about what people had to say. Liam and Sophia were a completely different story. They received a bunch of hate in August, around the time they got together, and Liam did not know how much more he could take.

With her explosive and unkind personality, Niall knew he was risking it with taking her out in public. He viewed the problem in many different perspectives, but the best idea he came up with was to neglect the outsiders and focus on Hannah having a good time. She agreed each time he offered her another drink since he knew it was one of the things that made her happy. He didn’t intentionally make her drink for the hell of it, but because it loosened her up. She was easier to talk to, broke down all aspects of her character. It was the real her, shedding the tough, unnatural exterior away.

Niall would love to spend forever trying to figure the girl out. Her guard was up ridiculously high, meaning something awful in her passed bestowed this on her. And to acquire more answers out of her, he knew that drinking was not a solution. All it took was time.

His phone vibrated in his pants pocket, and it took multiple rings for Niall to finally answer it. After dealing with Hannah, he didn’t need any more disputes today. Management was the one he most dreaded.

“Hello?” He answered, at last moving from his spot in the hallway and over to the sofa.

“Hi, Niall. We’re just going to cut straight to chase. About last night-”

“I know.” He griped. “In fact, I have a few words to say myself.”

“I cannot have this girl around you if she is going to be a bad influence.” The man’s voice was a think, British accent. “And I cannot have you travelling about the city unprotected. It’s not safe for ya, lad.”

“It seems like I can’t…” Niall sighed, closed his eyes, and changed his word choice. “I can assure you she won’t be harmful. She’s not harmful. She’s just a little different, but has all the right intentions. Let me handle this, yeah?”

The man on the other end exhaled. “Alright. One wrong move and I’m afraid you’re going to have to say goodbye.”

Niall nodded as if management could see him and ended the call.

If he wasn’t stressed before, he sure was now.