Drowning

Hannah cursed to herself and to Niall a million times over of how stupid she was to believe life was worth living in just a short week.

“Now do you know why I don’t let people in my life?!”

Words could not describe how much Hannah had the upper hand, as if it were ever possible for Niall to be winning an argument with her. He kept his mouth shut because he could not form any coherent sentences. All of the things he wanted to say have already been said. On the other hand, he never got a chance to talk because Hannah never spared him a breath.

“You just make me feel like some god-damn idiot. I don’t know why I trusted someone like you.”

“Please, Hannah-” Niall pleaded, reaching out for her before she booked. “I’m sorry.”

“Just leave me alone.”


Days earlier, the phone rang, the day after the incident at the library. Hannah groggily sprawled her arm out on the nightstand in hope to grab on to the cellular device. A lazy and annoyed groan escaped past her lips. It was eight in the morning.

Her forearm crossed over her eyes as a shield from the light coming in from the cracks between the blinds. She swiped her thumb across the touch screen and put the phone to her ear.

“What do you want?”

“I want you,” He paused for a moment until Hannah hesitated to answer. “I want you to make me some tea.”

“I don’t mean to disappoint, Niall, but I’m still lying in bed, it’s eight in the morning and you can make your own bloody tea.”

He pouted with his bottom lip quivering, looking a little bit overdramatic. For her to hear his disapproval, he exhaled loudly.

“After you make me some tea, you can come lay in my bed. I’m still in mine.”

Hannah chuckled and wiped her eyes now, trying to wake herself as much as she didn’t want to. His persistency would not let up until she agreed to something along the lines of what he wanted. She was the woman in this friendship after all; he should be making her some damn tea.

“That’s useless.” She told him, rolling on to her side – another attempt to getting out of bed. “I won’t want to fall back asleep.”

The boy on the other line chewed on his fingernail, weighing in on her statement, but also out of habit. He leaned back on the headboard and stared at the wall ahead of him. Again, he cut her off before she could say something back to him.

“So, is that a yes to the tea?”

She hung up on him, and left him to worry about why she was not answering her phone anymore.

A majority of the two hours it took Hannah to leave the flat was spent trying to get out of bed. The rest of the time was devoted to freshening up her face and drinking a glass of orange juice. She slid a pair of grey sweatpants over the shorts she wore to bed and traded the dingy T-shirt for a crewneck. Her glasses along with her car keys and purse were the last things she grabbed before she was out the door, not in any sort of rush.

She escaped past Marisa’s questions since she was working, which was definitely good on her part. After the discussion the night before, how suddenly Hannah was making this drastic change in her life, she needed a break from Marisa. The thought of Niall being a friend was overwhelming as it was, let alone having to be reminded of the fact. Leaving while Marisa was gone was less anxiety resting on Hannah’s shoulders.

Hannah secretly liked being invited over to his flat, and there was no way she was about to let anyone know that.

The sky had turned a bit cloudy by the time she pulled her car to the curb in front of his flat at ten thirty. At least four text messages were waiting to be answered, he still having no idea of her whereabouts. Hannah checked her phone when she was walking up to the front door and didn’t have to wait that long for him to appear on the other side of the door by the time she reached the porch.

“If ya think arriving late was going to change my mind about the tea, you’re totally mistaken.”

The blonde stepped into his home and removed her shoes. “I wasn’t about to forget. But, please engrave in your brain that I am not doing any favors when I am half awake.”

“You’re not a morning person either?” He questioned and Hannah nodded. “Then, that makes the two of us. Today was one of those days where I could not fall back sleep.”

“Well, take a seat.” She guided Niall towards the sofa. “Get comfortable because I am about to do something that will only happen once in a lifetime.”


Hannah was an excellent tea maker. He had laid all the ingredients on the counter earlier, actually having the thought of making it himself, but never got around to it. He was caught in between the disappointment of her not accepting his invitation and the joy of being surprised. And Niall loved surprises.

“I think you make this better than I do.” He commented once he took his second sip.

The girl lounged in the corner of the L-couch, helping herself to a blanket and her own cup of tea.

“My mother makes a mean tea.”

“I see she’s passed it on.”

“More or less,” Hannah replied and raised the cup to her lips. “I’ve made it for her way more than she’s made it for me in recent years. It’s been embedded in my head.”

The mentioning of her mother caught Niall’s attention. It made him want to ask more questions, but decided not to push the subject about family now. He feared of being shut out because her presence was enough of a gift. Also, the announcers on the TV roared with excitement.

“Who’s playing?” Hannah asked, her eyes fixated on the screen.

“It’s Derby County, my favorite football team in England. And it looks like we’re finally in the lead!”

Today was a day where Niall was trying to get to know Hannah as subtle as possible. He succeeded the night he first took her out, getting the basics of her phone number, schooling, and job. Now, it was mission to figure out all the little quirks about her. He had discovered she loved tea and could make it just the way her mum could, or even better. She did not like to be disturbed right when she wakes up otherwise he will get the wrath of his life. She’s the type of person that works at her own pace. And Niall figured out that she was girl who believed she did not give a fuck about what people thought of her, but that was an act that came along with her tough exterior.

Having to be a supporter of the Winchester City team all her life, it was nice to know she also was a fan of Derby. Hannah rooted for many football teams simply because she loved the sport, which only made Niall grow fonder of her. A girl not knowing the terms of the sport wouldn’t be a problem, but being able to watch the game in peace was nice.

The topic of the sport led them to talk about videogames and how sure Niall was at beating Hannah in a match. And she laughed because she knew he was right.

And Niall smiled because she’d be coming back tomorrow just to play.


“Bloody hell, what does this button do again?”

“It lets you passes to the other players on your team…no, now you just passed it to my player. Hannah-” Niall’s groan transitioned into laugher at her confusion. The look on her face expressed how done she was, and they weren’t nearly finished with the first game.

“We should have played some practice game or something. This is totally unfair!”

Literally, Hannah had been at Niall’s flat for an hour, most time spent of learning the controls of the controller for the PlayStation 3. There were numerous things to remember in such short time that she just told Niall to continue to set up the match. She thought she had learned the basics of it, but when the score reached five to zero in the first half, she realized how wrong she was.

Niall threw his head back in laughter, the throaty noise spewing from his mouth uncontrollably. By now, Hannah was just pressing any button in hopes to keep the ball in her possession. He found it funny to not ease up on the girl, somehow receiving the satisfaction of making frustrated by stealing the ball away and scoring a sixth goal just before time ran out in the first half. With that happening, the controller was thrown onto the sofa with a ton of force.

“This is so stupid.” She muttered when she exited the family room and into the kitchen.

His obnoxious laughter did not stop echoing throughout the entire abode, and Hannah was three seconds away from tearing the larynx out of his throat.

“I am absolutely serious.” She told him when he entered the room, standing on the other side of the island. “I hate losing!”

“So do I!” He said with a bright smile still plastered across his lips. “That makes the two of us again.”

“Niall, I am no competition. And wipe that ridiculous grin off your face! It’s not funny.”

“Alright, alright,” He held his hands up in surrender. “I’ll teach you the ways of the controller again. Just come back and finished the rest of the game, please?”

Hannah replenished herself with a glass of cold water before agreeing and followed him back into the other room. It took a moment for her to settle back in her position on the couch, finally noticing Niall holding out the controller for her to take. Once it was placed in her hands, she stared at the damn thing like it was foreign to her until Niall inched closer to her body. She quickly glanced to her left, getting this feeling of uneasiness in her stomach. He was only centimeters away, but she still felt as anxious as she would if he was feeling up her thigh.

His left index finger came into view and pointed to the X button.

“This is the control that lets to pass to other players.” He clarified again more clearly than he did earlier. Next, he pointed to the analog sticks. “The left one is for making your player move. Hold down R2 if ya want the guy to sprint.” His finger moved back to the right side of the controller, over to the O button. “Use this button for all of your crossing. For early crosses, hold down L1. Other crosses, just double tap the button, okay?”

Again, so much information was being ingrained in her mind, there was no way she was going to be able to remember all of this. Niall gave her another look to get her approval of starting the game. As uncertain as she was, she nodded to him and prepared for the worst.

The second went on more miserable than the first, all except for the lone goal she scored on a lucky bounce. Niall hadn’t really been paying attention, and Hannah took this opportunity to steal the ball away from him by using the controls she remembered. One fortunate kick and the score was now eight to one.

“Hey, you’re getting the hang of it!”

Niall sounded proud, but only lasted a couple seconds because Hannah has caused a corner kick for his team. It was nine to one now, and she did not want to stick around for a game that reached double digits.

His laugh filled the room again when he noticed she did not pick up her controller again. Both of her hands rested under her chin, elbows on her thighs. She watched as the easy goal slid past her immobile goalie again. Her right hand moved to the cup sitting on the coffee table, still eyeing his every move, making sure that pouring three ice cubes down his back would be done in secrecy.

“What in the name of…” He interrupted is tenth celebration by instantaneously standing from his spot on the couch to remove the cubes that dripped down his back. Each landed on the ground with a thud. He turned to her, finding her in this laughing fit that he’s never seen her in before.

“You’re funny.” Niall told her while grabbing ice from his own cup of water, invading her privacy and dumping the ice cubes down the front of her shirt.

“Niall!” She gasped, holding her arms over her chest. One of the ice cubes was resting in her bra, but she wasn’t even focused on how cold it was.

“It’s not like I saw anything.”

His statement was true, and the only retort Hannah had was to take a pillow off of the sofa and throw it at him.


Two minutes passed after trying to get a hold of Marisa. Each of the three calls went straight to voicemail, which led to Hannah biting her lip to force back any other tears, but was unsuccessful. She buried her face in her hands, elbows resting on the counter. Silent sobs eventually came around, although she had the whole flat to belt out her emotions.

There was a buzzing next to her elbow. Hannah knew it was Marisa, so she didn’t bother to look at the caller ID.

“Happy Thursday!”

Her puffy, grey eyes widened at the masculine voice on the other end.

“Niall?”

“Hannah?” He questioned right back, concerned tied in with his voice. “What’s wrong? Are you crying?”

“No.” She shot back defensively. Her hand reached for her nose, and she wiped it with the sleeve of her shirt. A sniffle sounded over the phone, so it was impossible to hide the fact. “Yeah, I was. But Niall-”

“Are you okay?” His tone was completely serious that it almost made Hannah let out a chuckle.

“Yes, I’m fine.”

“You don’t sound like it.” He told her with an upset voice. “Do you want me to come over? We don’t have to talk about it.”

“No, Niall, really-”

“I’m coming over. It’s alright.”

One more attempt to get his attention by calling out his name, but it wasn’t comprehended. The line on the other end went dead, which made Hannah sigh exasperatedly.

It wasn’t the fact that she didn’t want comfort, considering that she left missed calls on Marisa’s phone, but she didn’t know whether or not she wanted his company. His company felt particularly overbearing especially when he did nothing at all. For as much as he didn’t provoke her to spill her problems, Hannah felt obligated to tell him things no matter what.

That was it about him. This boy didn’t have to do anything to make him likable to other people. His presence alone automatically accomplished it. One look at the boy and it was as if she had been caught under his spell. His bright blue eyes sparkled with life, all she’s ever wanted in the past couple years, but it absolutely terrified her. Letting him in was one thing, yet letting him get too close was another. These past few days have been fun and absolutely reckless that she had all these mixed feelings about this boy. But, she wasn’t fully willing to let her guard down, not even close.

Despite the fact that he promised they wouldn’t speak of her issue, Hannah knew that it would somehow fly out of her mouth. The thought alone gave her anxiety.

There was only enough time to touch up her complexion, leaving behind the slight redness on her face due to the sobbing from earlier. Her eyes appeared the most swollen, so there was still no hiding it to Niall once he arrived. The thought of it still made her stomach drop, and she rubbed her eyes hoping to clear her mind. Her hands flattened out over her entire face as she let out a defeated sigh.

She didn’t have enough time to process any thoughts since there was a knock on the door. Her mind raced with the thoughts of her problems to having to answer the door to realizing how she was still wearing a black tank top and gray sweatpants. Her hands reached for the dresser drawer for a T-shirt, but her feet led her to the door. Sheer panic could be read across her face that easily affected Niall.

“Hannah, are you alright?”

The blonde breathed heavily, stepping away from the door and towards the sofa. Her fingers threaded through her hair, holding on to it near the roots. She felt like pulling every strand from her skull, but the new, larger hands covered hers to have her refrain from causing any self damage.

“Hannah, please tell me what’s wrong.” He pleaded, bringing her arms at her sides and forcing her to face him.

“You said we wouldn’t talk about it.” Her tone was angry, and she could not make eye contact with him. She was on the verge of tears again, and at the same time, her heart rate increased.

“Okay, okay, I know. We don’t have to.” Niall removed his hands from hers. “But, you’re scarin’ me, Hannah.”

“Please stop saying my name.”

He exhaled, bringing his bottom lip between his teeth for a few seconds. Hannah felt her being pushed back to the sofa.

At this point, she was seeing stars. Everything was becoming foggy in her vision, and it was even hard to remember to breathe. Her breaths came out short and shallow, and she had the honest thought she was going to pass out.

“Come on, Han, you need to breath.”

“Can’t you see that I can’t?!” Her words were choppy and very frantic. Tears pricked from the corner of her eyes again. “How the hell can I breathe? I’m incapable of doing anything else.”

Hesitantly, Niall sat down next to her, putting both of his hands on her shoulders. His thumbs kneaded into the spot above her shoulder blades painfully slow. His fingers squeezed on her shoulders as well, but Hannah did not move an inch. She kept her hands covering her face while Niall watched her carefully.

“Um,” He interjected, noticing his massage somewhat helping. Her body lifted and then lowered from one deep breath. “How did you sleep?”

“What?”

“How did you sleep last night? Did you wake up during the night? Did you have good dreams?”

“I don’t know.” She answered after a long pause. “I slept alright. And no, no dreams that I can remember.”

“That’s okay. I can’t remember half of mine anyway.” He told her as he stared off into space. His hands continued to work wonders on her back, changing the tempo every once in a while. “I had a dream recently though. We were back tourin’ in Australia. You and Harry were there, telling me I couldn’t run off with the kangaroos or something like that. It was actually really bizarre.”

The blonde chuckled softly, but it wasn’t enough to convince Niall that she was okay. She appeared calmer than earlier, and her gaze was still locked with the hardwood. The Irishman watched her from the side of her face, judging for any faulty expressions. Yet, the more he watched her, the more he realized the silence was killing her.

“What’s your favorite animal?” He asked abruptly.

“A tiger,”

“Sweet! I like lions. Have you been to the zoo?”

“As a child,”

Countless questions were answered with some to little hesitation. If Niall kept the questions coming at a constant speed, he noticed how she was concentrated on them. She would answer immediately and become more confident than the last. There were times where he struggled with a new topic, and she would go back into the same cycle all over again. In between questions, Niall had her take a couple deep breaths before she would fall faint. Not once did he remove his hands from her shoulders nor did he press about subject that was troubling her deeply.

It took close to a half hour until Hannah was completely back to normal. Her voice resurfaced to the regular tone, and she wiped her eyes, ridding any extra tears. One more relaxed exhale escaped her lips and she sat up from her crouched-over position. Niall could tell she was drained. For as much as her breathing was back to normal, her complexion was rather puffy, and she appeared lightheaded. She fixed her gaze ahead of her, blinking a few times.

“Hannah,” He stated her name for the twentieth time in forty five minutes. It caused her to turn her attention towards him. “Are ya feeling better?”

She nodded her head. “Yeah.”

“Good…good,” He said, sitting in the position she was moments before, and picked at his nails. “Does this happen often?”

The question was tentative, afraid he would be denied an answer. Everything that just happened was scaring the absolute shit on him, and he surprised himself by staying strong. After spending all this time focusing on her, he felt drained as well.

“Sometimes.” She finally answered.

It wasn’t a response he was expecting for he was expecting the worse. Relief washed over his body, and he shifted his head to look at her.

“A lot of shit happened to me.” She continued. “And when I can’t organize my thoughts, this is the price I pay. I just feel so fucked up sometimes. There’s nothing I can do about this.”

“Yes there is.” Niall said barely above a whisper. Hannah’s mind was organized enough to where she could speak what she wanted to say thoroughly, blocking out whatever Niall muttered under his breath.

“I really didn’t need you to come over, Niall.” She glanced at him although he wasn’t looking at her anymore. A hand cautiously made its way over to his that were balled into fists. “But I’m glad you did.”

His head raised one more, the pale blue eyes slowly gaining life back in them.

“Thank you.”

Without permission, Niall brought his arms around the girl in a tight hug. His hands flattened out across her back, bringing her towards his body. Hannah was alarmed at first, but was instantly pushed back in here mind. Her arms wound around his neck, and she got this sense of comfort spreading throughout her entire body. After what she experienced with him, she felt like this bond she unfortunately, at first, did not want was now unbreakable. She had this desire to hold him close and never let him ago.

In the back of her mind, Hannah knew she was forming attachment issues with him. And this was actually more terrifying than her panic attack.


There was a reason why Hannah never watched television on a daily basis. More than half of the reality television shows were crappy, the comedy programs were not so funny anymore, and there were things that she just didn’t need to see.

Hannah had promised Niall she would watch his performance on the X Factor UK. It didn’t take a lot of convincing since her heart was still swelling over what happened Thursday afternoon. Also, her own curiosity got to the best of her. If Niall was going to be a constant in her life, she might as well be up-to-date in his life. And watching his band perform “Midnight Memories” was a part of that deal, then so be it.

Marisa was there to watch it with her, and after seeing the performance, Hannah wished she was alone. Previous pictures of the boys were nothing compared to what she just witnessed tonight. Maris was all over the social media, and finding comments about how Harry Styles dressed like a pirate and the parts assigned for Niall to sing was a huge mistake.

“So his voice cracked? Big deal, it was one time. And bloody hell, Harry can wear whatever the fuck he wants! All these people are such a joke.”

On the outside, it may have not seemed like Hannah cared, but the rude words spoken about Niall’s mishap deeply affected her. She thought that every person that had something nasty to say deserved a punch in the mouth. She’d like to see them get on that stage in front of thousands of people, televised across the world, and sing the song live. It’s not as easy as it looks.

Coming to Niall’s defense was short lived. The next morning, Marisa came across photographs of the After Party. Harry Styles left the building at three in the morning, other celebrities were photographed leaving the building as well, but spotting Niall with a girl particularly bothered Hannah. It may have been the fact that she thought she had claimed him (or that he claimed her), or maybe because there were possible dating rumors spreading like wildfire.

Whatever the reason may be, it caused Hannah to be irrational, impulsive, forcing the id to take over here body. It may have been too early after Niall’s long night, yet Hannah couldn’t have cared any less. He hadn’t strung her along this far to toss her aside.


“You’re such an ignorant piece of shit.”

The door had barely been able to open before Niall had been shoved and Hannah letting herself in the home. She gave him two more rightful shoves until Niall was awake enough to stop the blows from coming.

“Jesus, Hannah! What did I even do?”

A wicked, sarcastic chuckle came out of her mouth. “You’re joking, right? You have no idea what you did wrong?”

“As a matter of fact, I don’t.”

“Well, I kept my promise and watched the X Factor. Let me just say that I was absolutely appalled by a lot of the negative comments about your performance, and I rather enjoyed hearing that live. My night ended after that, but apparently yours didn’t.” Hannah paused for a second to glance a Niall, trying to read his expression. It wasn’t faltering, but rather anticipating her next comment. “How was Barbara Palvin, Niall?”

Niall scoffed loudly, throwing his head back as well as throwing his hands in the air.

“Come on, Hannah, ya don’t believe that shit, do ya?”

“I don’t know. You tell me because clearly you were photographed together! There’s enough proof just sitting in that image alone, and I’m not dealing with another cheater, Niall!”

He was still revolted by her quick assumptions, but the revelation of another part of her past caused his features to soften slightly. As intrigued as he was for her to press on the topic, a lot of other things needed to be resolved.

“Pictures speak a thousand words, yeah?”

His voice came off in a cool tone, which caused Hannah to raise an eyebrow.

“Don’t give me that. Last time I checked, you weren’t trying to juggle two girls when I appeared in the articles. You’re such an asshole.”

“I am not seeing her, Hannah.”

“I honestly find all of this to be complete bullshit.” Niall opened his mouth to speak again, but Hannah flashed him a spiteful glare and continued. “If I would have known this was going to happen, I would have not wasted my time spending all week trying to be your friend. I am no fool to how you feel about me, but it should be no surprise to how you feel about Victoria Secret models too. I’ve fallen victim to being pushed aside numerous times, been feeling like I am completely worthless, so I can add today another number to my list.”

There was only so much more Hannah could say; only so much more she could take before she would explode. The rant she just finished could not even cover all the variety of emotions she was feeling. It left Niall stunned, and it ticked her off.

“Now do you know why I don’t let people into my life?!”

It should never be a question if Hannah was winning an argument with Niall because she always was. He still hadn’t thought up a new rational statement, just standing in front of her with his mouth slightly open. Whatever he wanted to say was unimportant to Hannah because she spoke again.

“You just make me feel like some god-damn idiot. I don’t know why I trusted someone like you.”

“Please Hannah-” Niall finally beseeched. With each hateful word being spewed at him, his heated expression was replaced with distress. “I’m sorry.”

The blonde shook her head mostly to herself and rubbed her right temple.

“Just leave me alone.” She told him. “Okay, Niall? I need to be able to think.”

The statement had a double meaning to it. Her head had her believing that she wanted to be left alone for good, but her heart definitely thought otherwise. She didn't want to be alone.