Never Let Me Go

“So how do you want to handle school tomorrow?” Jack said as they walked in the direction of Alex’s house.

“What do you mean?” Alex said.

“I mean… I don’t want you to do anything you’re uncomfortable with. Like if you’re not cool with PDA or something, I can understand that,” he said.

Alex smiled and kissed Jack on the cheek.

“I think you’re the amazing one, not me. And to answer your question, I think I’d be comfortable with holding hands… but maybe just at our table? Or in class?”
“Of course. Let me know any time you feel more, or even less comfortable than that, okay? I really want this to work.”

Alex stopped walking for a second and faced Jack.

“Come here,” he said, a dopey smile on his face.

Jack hesitantly closed the small distance between them.

Alex wrapped his arms around Jack’s waist and pulled him to him, touching his lips to his again, pouring all the feelings he’d been suppressing since he’d met Jack into the kiss.

When the two pulled away, Jack said, “keep kissing me like that and you might have to carry me back to your house.” His eyes were barely open, his knees were shaking under the weight of holding his lanky frame up, and he was smiling and breathing hard.

“I can’t help it. Kissing you feels so good. It brings something out in me that makes me never want to stop. And you’re being so patient with me and I just, I really appreciate it. Usually people aren’t that patient with me… about anything. So thank you.” Alex said. One hand was rubbing the back of his neck while the other rubbed up and down Jack’s waist.

“Aww, Alex, it’s no problem… really. One question though: would you be comfortable coming back to jam with us?” Jack said.

“Of course.” Alex said. He felt a smile creep onto his face. He couldn’t remember feeling this happy in… ever.

They shared one more kiss before re-joining their hands and continuing the walk back.

Their attempted viewing of “Harry Potter and The Chamber of Secrets” turned into Jack lying on top of Alex on the living room couch, grinding on him as the two made out. Alex let his hand wander under Jack’s Green Day tee, feeling muscles flex as he moved from Alex’s lips to his neck to his collarbone, and then back up to his lips.

He heard Jack moan as his hands grazed his nipples.

“So sensitive. It’s so hot.” Alex said. The words were a whisper in Jack’s ear, his hot breath hitting him right on the neck.

Alex slowly pulled Jack’s shirt up and he nuzzled the nipple area with his nose.

“FuckshitGod… ‘Lex, don’t tease me.” He said as his eyes closed.

Alex smiled a devious smile before brushing his lips against the same area.

“Just kiss me already you asshole.”

“Oh, a little dirty talk huh? God that’s such a turn on,” Alex said, still smiling the devious smile. He placed his lips on the area just above his nipple and started sucking on the skin, going up as far as he could reach.

“Holy… shit… where did you learn to do this? Oh… God… so… good.” Jack said between shallow breaths.

Alex didn’t answer him as he went back down to Jack’s nipple and sucked on the skin there before finally kissing it.

“FUCKING… SHIT… A-ALEX. That feels so fucking good. AH. Oh yes. Yes.” Jack said before his words were eclipsed by a loud moan coming out of his mouth.

He felt Jack move under him and before Alex knew it, he was standing in front of him, panting.

“Shirt. Off. Now.” Jack said, tossing his own shirt in the direction of the TV.

Alex smirked and pulled his shirt off over his head. Jack climbed back on top of him and kissed him first on his neck, then down his chest, to his stomach and then stopped right at the top of his jeans.
“More…” Alex said, his head thrown back in pleasure.

“Oh you liked that, huh?” Jack said, his voice a whisper.

He could only nod. Jack undid the button of Alex’s jeans, but then stopped as he reached the zipper.

Alex whined.

“Now who’s being a tease?” he said, his lips forming a pout.

Jack chuckled. Alex felt his lips on his again, this time the kiss being drawn out and slow. He felt like he was going to burst out of his skin when one of Jack’s hands moved along the inside of his clothed thighs.

“Jack…” Alex muttered into the kiss.

He felt Jack’s tongue in his mouth after that, and he sped up the hand moving over his thighs.

“Oh fuck… Jack… oh my God. More.”

Jack’s hands unzipping the zipper of his jeans felt painfully slow. The pain was only relieved when he pulled back and ran his hands over Alex’s boxer-clad hips. He folded down the top of his boxers and kissed all along there, not stopping until he got to Alex’s hips, where he sucked on the skin he found there.

He couldn’t contain the pleasure that shot through his body any longer and a noise he didn’t even know he could make escaped his mouth.

“Think I found your sensitive area too.” Jack said. His voice had dropped an octave. It only made Alex want him more. He placed his hands on Jack’s now bare chest and pushed him down so that he was on top now. He wrapped his arms around his neck, grinding against him as his kissed him on the lips and down his neck, nuzzling a corner he found.

“Need you. Inside me. Now.” Jack said in that low voice that turned Alex on so much. He didn’t even have to think about it, a rare occurrence for him, before practically tearing Jack’s jeans off of his body.

“You are so gorgeous.” Alex said.

“You’re not so bad yourself.” Jack said with that stupid smile he loved so much.

He was just about to climb back on top of Alex when the two of them heard: “Alexander William Gaskarth! Explain yourself right now!”

Alex froze, a wave of panic washing over him. What was his mom doing home? She always had the night shift. She should be at work right now. It took Jack rushing around to find his clothes and throwing them back on before snapping back into reality. All the beautiful words that surrounded his brain on a daily basis seemed to have abandoned him. Even if he could have thought of something to say, it felt like his tongue had swollen to three times its size and would have choked off any words anyway. He felt his breath coming quicker and knew he was panicking. This never led to anything good. The door slamming jerked him back to the present. Jack had left and his mother still stood in front of him with an angry expression on her face.

“Well?”

Again, Alex felt the fear racing around in his brain paralyze his words.

“Alexander, why was there a nearly naked boy in my house alone with you doing… that?”

The disgust in her voice stopped him in his search for his missing shirt. He sank down to the floor, feeling the arm of the sofa against his back. He held his head in his arms, trying to tune her out until she got whatever she came home to get. She continued yelling as he heard her go into her office across the hall. He guessed she’d come home to get some files or something. He hoped it’d all be over soon.

#
The sun had gone down and Alex was alone in the house again. He hadn’t moved from his spot against the couch and, considering that part of the couch sat under the air conditioning vent, that wasn’t the smartest move. He still sat in his boxers, unable to convince himself to move and get the shirt that sat less than a foot away.

‘I will not have a f****t in this house, Alexander!’ his mother’s words ricocheted in his brain. It was the last thing she’d said before slamming the door and leaving him alone in the house. His arms had gotten tired after a while, so they were now wrapped around his knees. He hugged his knees tighter as the afternoon’s events replayed in his mind, hoping that it would somehow comfort him.

I can’t believe I ever bought that whole ‘parents are supposed to love you unconditionally’ bullshit everyone always talks about. he thought. Instead of bringing the cathartic release of anger, though, Alex felt tears falling down his face. Goddammit, why am I such a crybaby?! He thought, his body shaking as he cried. He felt his thoughts spiraling into a dark place but he made no effort to stop them: what kind of cosmic irony is it that my mother decided to have a kid and then her homophobic ass gets a kid who may or may not be gay? Why can’t she love me, no matter who I am?

The tears came harder at that last thought. His text alert going off shook him from his misery. He grabbed his cell phone, welcoming any distraction from his thoughts: ‘From: Jack. How’d it go after I left today? scared emoji’. The panic took over then and he felt himself start hyperventilating. He gripped the phone as if it was the last life preserver on a sinking ship. Through his blurry vision, he found the white phone icon near the top of the text message and pressed it. He had no idea what time it was or what he would say to Jack or if he’d even answer, but he suddenly felt an overwhelming urge to talk to or be with someone.

Jack picked up on the second ring.

“Alex? What’s up? How’d it go with your mom?”

Alex tried to form words but instead they came out as a mixture between panicked breaths and sobbing.
“’Lex, no why are you crying, what’s wrong? What happened?” he said, using the nickname Alex was starting to become fond of.

He could only cry more in response.

“Okay, I’m officially worried about you. Is your mom still there? ‘Cause I’m coming over.”

Alex felt himself calm down just a little. Jack really had meant it when he’d said to let him know the next time he felt panicky.

He sniffled, managing to choke out the words, “no, she’s gone for the night.”

“Okay. I’ll ask my sister if she can drop me off.”

“Thank you, Jack.” You have no idea how much this means to me. he thought. He clicked the “end” button on his phone and threw it to the side. On the upside, he thought, his breathing had returned to normal now that he knew Jack on his way.

He raised his head from his knees and rested it against the arm of the couch. He blew a long breath out and wiped his eyes with the back of his hand. He waited a few minutes before reaching back over for his phone. He pulled up YouTube on his browser and let Jimmy Eat World’s “Bleed American” fill the silence.

His text alert beeped in the middle of “Hear You Me”. He clicked the preview of the message and read: ‘From: Jack. I’m outside.’ He put his phone down, reached over to grab his shirt, and headed for the front door.

He opened the door to see Jack with a frantic but concerned look on his face. He took Alex into his arms and kissed his forehead. He slid his hand into Alex’s and he led him inside.

“Let’s go upstairs… just in case my mom decides to make any more surprise visits.”

Jack nodded.

They lay down on Alex’s bed and Jack wrapped his hands around Alex’s waist, resting his chin on his shoulder. He reached up to peck him on the cheek. Alex turned his face.

“Jack, don’t.”

He heard him sigh.

“What the hell happened after I left?”

There was no trace of anger in his voice, just the same concern that had been on his face earlier.

He felt himself wanting to cry all over again as the words repeated in his head. He turned and buried his head in Jack’s chest.

“We… we got in this huge fight and she-she said she ‘wouldn’t have a fa***t’ in her house and...”

Jack pressed Alex’s head into his chest tighter and kissed his forehead again.

“Shit, ‘Lex… I’m so sorry.” He said, his voice a whisper.

“Why are you so sweet? I don’t deserve it…” Alex said.

“Stop being ridiculous.” he rubbed a hand up and down Alex’s back.

His eyes finally felt heavy with the urge to sleep and he closed them. It was the first time in years he felt safe and… loved.

He woke the next morning to the scent of cinnamon and Old Spice. He turned over, looking for the source of the scent. He jumped as he realized Jack was asleep next to him. Memories from the night before flooded his mind and he shut his eyes against most of them. Then he remembered Jack texting him, the events that had followed, and bolted up, listening for sounds of his mother moving around downstairs. Relief rushed through his body as he realized the house was silent. He glanced at his bedroom door, hoping he’d locked it, saw that he did, and fell back on the bed. The movement woke Jack up. He snuggled up to Alex and kissed his temple.

“How’d you sleep?” he said.

“Better than I would have if you hadn’t been here. Thanks for staying with me… and I’m sorry I’m such a mess. I don’t know why you put up with me or what I did to deserve you being so patient with me.”

He felt Jack rest his chin on his shoulder and Alex turned so they could face each other properly. Jack’s hand cupped his face and he closed his eyes and leaned in.

“You’re beautiful and you’re fun to hang with and I love talking to you. And you like all the same things I like. How could I not? I mean, it’s definitely frustrating on nights like last night, but I know it’s something you need time to process. I know you’re only trying to figure out what’s best for you.” Jack said.

Alex wanted to kiss him then but his brain fought against him, indecision freezing him. He settled on wrapping his arms around Jack and pulling him close, nuzzling his chest. Jack kissed the top of his head and placed a finger under his chin, tilting his head up. He looked into Alex’s eyes.

“Is it okay if I kiss you?”

He nodded.

Jack brushed some hair out of Alex’s face and gave him a series of short, sweet kisses.

“Wait, what time is it?” Alex said after they broke apart.

Jack reached over for his phone, unlocked it, and said: “10:30.”

“Shit. We are so late for school.” He said, panic rearing its ugly head again.

“So let’s skip today.”

“You’re a bad influence.”

“You love it.”

Alex laughed, “You’re right about that.”

He laid his head back on Jack’s chest and noticed he could hear his heartbeat. He smiled.

The two of them spent the rest of the day sharing funny things they found online and watching “Home Alone” and terrible but funny movies like "Troll 2" and "Cool As Ice".

The two of them wandered down to the kitchen around dinnertime, ready to raid the kitchen or order takeout. That’s when Alex noticed the first sign that last night’s argument had changed things for the worse. The money and the note she always left for him so he could order dinner were nowhere to be found. His mom didn’t have a lot of time to go grocery shopping so Alex wasn’t even sure they had other food in the house. He collapsed in the nearest chair and rested his head on his folded arms. He waited for the panic or the tears to overwhelm him, but neither did. Instead, he didn’t feel anything. No anger, sadness, or guilt. I can’t decide if this is better than feeling everything all at once all the time… he thought. He was shaken out of his thoughts by Jack’s hand on his elbow.

“’Lex?” he said. His voice was gentle.

Alex turned his head so he faced Jack and said, “My mom always leaves me money to order food since she’s not usually home and doesn’t have a lot of time to shop or cook or anything, It’s usually on top of a note saying she hopes I had a good day and she loves me and all that and I just looked all over… there’s nothing here, Nothing. I don’t get it.”

Jack pulled him into a hug.

“I’ll call my sister and we’ll eat at my house.” He said.
Alex couldn’t put into words how grateful he was for Jack’s offer, so he reached up and kissed him. He poured all his feelings of desperation and uncertainty into a series of short and fast kisses. Jack kissed him back, slowing the kisses down and pressing Alex closer to him, reassuring him that he was here and not going anywhere.

“I’m so sorry you have to go through this.” Jack said once they broke apart.

“Thank you.” He said.

“I’m gonna go call my sister, okay?” Jack said, pecking Alex on the cheek before walking to the other side of the kitchen to make his phone call.

Alex watched him as he did. Having someone like Jack to talk to and be with made this whole situation easier to deal with. For the first time in his life, he felt that, as long as Jack was in his life, things would be okay.