Never Let Me Go

He walked into the practice room the next afternoon, his hands shaking and his throat tight. Today was the first day he was coming back to rehearsals. He turned the doorknob to the practice room, opened it, and searched the room for Jack. He didn’t see him and instead, his eyes first landed on Zack’s, who shot a glare at him. He flicked his eyes toward Rian who gave him a reassuring smile. Alex took a deep breath in, crossed the room, and sat on the edge of the stage. He slid his book bag off and rested it on the empty space beside him. He took his song notebook out and started reading over some of his older songs, trying to give himself something to do so he didn’t feel so awkward.

“What are you even doing here, Alex?” came Zack’s voice from the other side of the room.

Alex looked up and instantly his old “friend” panic rushed through his veins.

“Zack.” Rian said, a note of warning in his voice.

“No, seriously, we don’t want you here and I’m sure Jack doesn’t want you here either.”

Alex hung his head.

“Speak for yourself.” Rian and Jack said at the same time.

He looked up, wondering when Jack had gotten there. He gave him a sad smile and Jack crossed the room and sat next to him. He kissed his cheek and squeezed his hand, silently asking if he was okay. Alex gave a hesitant nod. I’m okay now that you’re here. he thought.

Zack scoffed and turned back to his bass.

“Don’t worry about him. I’ll talk to him later, if that’s okay with you.” Jack whispered in Alex’s ear.

He nodded again, seeming to have lost control of his vocal chords.

“Just join in when you feel up to it, okay?” Jack said.

He nodded again and tried to calm himself down, knowing that his unease would screw up his singing voice.

He felt a lot less jumpy a few minutes later and listened to the sound the others had going, trying to tap out a rhythm. He finally jumped in, earning a smile from Jack. They continued this way until Alex felt a pair of eyes on him. He looked to his side. Jack was consumed with his guitar and Rian was beating the hell out of his drums. He hesitantly looked over to Zack, who was glaring at him again. What the hell is his problem? He thought. He tried to ignore it and continue singing.

Three songs passed and Alex still felt Zack’s eyes trying to burn a hole into the back of his skull. He felt his throat close and his shoulders tense up as he became more and more uncomfortable. He heard his voice crack and swore. He tried to find his note again. Nothing doing. He sounded like shit when he tried and he knew it. Zack knew it. Oh God why am I letting him get to me and why is he doing this and why isn’t anyone saying anything about how shit I sound? He thought. His thoughts raced until they became nothing more than a chorus of ‘getoutgetoutgetoutgetout’. He grabbed his book bag from the floor, shoved his song notebook in, and ran for the door.

“Goddammit, Zack, really? We need to talk when I get back.” was the last thing Alex heard behind him before he slammed the practice room door shut.

He’d taken 10 steps away from the practice room door when he started feeling like he couldn’t breathe. He bent over, hands on his knees, trying to catch his breath. His heavy book bag hit him in the head as he did so and he winced. He felt like he’d just run a marathon. What the hell is wrong with me? What is happening? He thought. The words “panic attack” flashed across his mind and he closed his eyes. Nonononono… I don’t need something that makes me even more of a freak. he thought. He felt a hand on his back and he jumped.

“Sorry, I’m so sorry ‘Lex, I didn’t mean to scare you. I just wanted to see if you were okay and… clearly you’re not. Is this because of what happened with Zack in there?”

His breathing pattern returned to normal as he realized Jack had come to check on him, but his vocal chords still felt frozen.

“’Lex? Is there anything I can do?” Jack said after another minute.

Alex still felt like moving or speaking would be difficult, but he managed to force one of his hands to move in an effort to reach out for Jack’s. He understood and took Alex’s outstretched hand. He helped guide him back up to an upright position. As soon as Jack’s concerned face was in full view, Alex threw himself into his arms.
He rubbed up and down his back, making shushing noises, the same way he had the other night, and he finally felt himself exhale.

“I’m gonna kill Zack when I go back in there.” Jack said, earning a chuckle from Alex. He nuzzled Jack’s chest and closed his eyes, finally feeling safe.

“No really, I’m pissed that he made you feel uncomfortable enough for this to happen.”

“No, I’m sorry.” Alex managed to say.

“For what? You didn’t do anything.” Jack said.

“If I wasn’t such a freak who couldn’t handle his own emotions, I wouldn’t have had to run out of there like that.” his voice was muffled against his chest.

Jack grabbed his arms and looked into Alex’s brown eyes.

“Listen to me. You’re not a freak and I don’t ever want to hear you calling yourself that again, okay? Zack was being a dick and you and I both know it. That’s on him, not you. As for the handling your own emotions thing, look I don’t think it’s that you can’t handle them, I think it’s just that you have so many of them all at once that it’s no wonder you get overwhelmed so easily. Remember that, okay?”

Alex tightened his grip on Jack’s waist and kissed his shoulder.

“Why are you so good to me?” He whispered against his chest.

“Because you deserve it. And so much more.”

Alex raised his head from his chest and looked at him.

Jack put a finger under his chin and kissed him slowly, gently.

“You constantly amaze me.” Alex said when they broke apart.

Jack smiled and pulled Alex into him, laying his head on top of his.

“I’m gonna go talk to Zack. Wait for me outside?”

He nodded and pulled his cell phone out and opened his Tumblr app, set to scroll through his dashboard until he came back.

He'd just finished watching a video that mashed Bubba Sparxxx's "Miss New Booty", "Under The Sea", and The Ying Yang Twins' "The Whisper Song" into one song when he felt he needed a break from the Internet for a second. He slid his phone into his back pocket and turned toward the practice room. They must be having a deep conversation in there... he thought, pulling his phone back out and noticing that it had been a half hour since Jack had gone back into the room. He leaned back against the wall and closed his eyes, trying to focus on his breathing. He'd found that helped sometimes.

He was shaken out of his near meditation by a kiss pressed to his neck and arms wrapping around his waist. He turned and smiled, giving Jack a peck on the lips.

“You okay to go back in there? Or did you just want to go back to your place?” he said.

“It just hit me how tired I am actually, so I think I’m gonna head back and crash.”

“Want me to go with you?”

“I don’t want you to stop rehearsal for me…”

“I appreciate that, but I want to make sure you’re okay. Like for real. Plus, you know, I *do* like hanging out with you.”

Alex chuckled.

“Then yes, I’d love it if you came with me.”

I also don’t feel up to facing that empty house by myself. He thought.

They reached his house 15 minutes later. Alex dropped his bag by the door as he made a beeline for the kitchen, hope in his eyes. His gaze landed on the kitchen table, scanning it for the usual note. When he realized he was looking at bare wood, his heart felt like it had been crushed in a garbage compactor. He figured Jack must have seen his face fall because he felt hands massaging his shoulders.

His eyes filled up and he felt the anger rising in his body. I can’t believe I’m crying again. he thought.

“Why do I have to deal with this?” he said, his hand connecting with one of the kitchen chairs. He hit it hard enough that it fell over and made a sound that shattered the relative silence the two of them had been standing in.

“You shouldn’t have to.” Jack’s voice came.

“What if she decides to make this a permanent thing? I don’t have a job, Jack. And my birthday’s not for a couple of months and it’s not like my mom cooks or does a lot of grocery shopping… how am I supposed to eat?”

He knew he was yelling and that he sounded hysterical but he couldn’t find it in himself to care. Silence fell in the kitchen again. It felt like hours had passed before Jack’s voice punctured it.

“How about this, you get some clothes and your books and some other stuff and you can stay over and eat at my house tonight. I’ll tell my mom we need to work on a project or something.”

He threw his arms around Jack, wrapping him in a bear hug, unable to express how much he appreciated the offer. He wondered how Jack always knew exactly what to say to make him feel better. He left him standing in the kitchen as he turned to go up the stairs to get things he’d need to stay over.