Never Let Me Go

So you're all probably gonna hate me because the last chapter was kind of fluffy and this chapter is the exact opposite.

TW: rape mentions/scenes

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Alex leaned against his locker, waiting for the bell to tell them to get to homeroom. Jack stood in front of him, barely an inch of space between them. He cupped his cheek, smiling as he stroked it and leaned in. Their lips met and he felt everything that had been plaguing his mind melt away.

As they kept kissing, he thought: what is it about this boy that makes me feel like I’m right where I’m supposed to be? Like I’m… home. Whatever that means. A contented moan escaped his mouth and he felt Jack smile against his lips.

The words “get a room, fags!” shattered their bliss. He felt his body shoved into Jack’s and thought, why did I think making out with him in public was okay? Why did I suddenly think this was gonna stop? God fucking dammit. He left his head where it lay against Jack’s chest, summoning the strength to turn around. He knew the boys would be gone by now, but it didn’t change the tangle of fear and adrenaline mixing in his stomach. He felt Jack’s hand on his back, attempting to soothe him.

“Fuck those guys, they’re just jealous ‘cause their only company at night is probably their hand. Try not to let them get into your head. They’re just assholes. There’s something wrong with them, not you. Never you.”

That was all it took for the tears and snot to start pouring out of Alex’s eyes and nose.

“Aww, Lex, no. What did I say?”

He took in Jack’s concerned eyes, eyes and soul that wanted nothing more than to make him happy, and all he wanted to do was run. He didn’t know why, but every time someone was genuinely kind to him, it freaked him out. He looked around and wondered if the hallway had gotten smaller or if his mind was playing tricks on him. I need to get out of here. he thought.

“No, no it’s not you – I just – I have to go.”

“Wait, Lex--“ he heard Jack call after him.

He sounded confused and upset. I hate that I’m doing this to him. Why am I like this? The hell is wrong with me? he thought. He wiped at his runny nose, blinking back the new tears filling his eyes as the destructive, confused thoughts continued. He ducked into the nearest bathroom, hoping to hide in there until he could get a hold of himself. He locked himself in the first stall he saw, leaned against the wall, and closed his eyes. He heard the bell ring outside and tried to care that he was missing class. I didn't work.

It felt like hours later when he opened his eyes again. He blinked a few times to re-orient himself and unlocked the stall. He walked over to the bathroom mirror to inspect his face. He studied his flushed face, puffy eyes, and bedhead hair and thought, fuck, it even looks like I’ve been crying. He turned on the faucet, filled his hands with cold water, and splashed it on his face. He prayed it helped with the flushing. He heard the bathroom door open and kept himself focused on turning off the water and going to grab a paper towel.

“Aww, is widdle Gaskarth sad that his faggot boyfriend isn’t here to protect him?”

The voice made Alex wince. Did he see me earlier and follow me in here? he thought. He felt his shoulders and neck tense and a sharp pain shot through his head, a sign that his anxiety levels were rising. I can’t take another attack. Not right now. he thought.

“What, don’t you speak?”

Why won’t he just leave me alone? What did I ever do to him?

He heard the boy’s footsteps approaching.

“C’mon, say something.”

A surge of anger swelled inside him like waves during a hurricane.

He turned to face the boy and said, “What the hell is your problem?”

“My problem? I thought you were smart, Gaskarth. You. You are my problem.”

“I’ve literally never done anything to you and I’m pretty sure I already missed one class and I’m not trying to miss another so I’m gonna need you to get out of my way.”

He began to move toward the door, but the boy started walking toward him instead. He noticed he had a foot on him. He felt the beginnings of fear constrict his heart. The closer the boy got, the more paralyzed Alex felt.

“Aw, the nerd is worried that missing class will affect his perfect grades.”

“I’m serious this time, move.” He hated that he heard himself stammer the word “move”.

“Muh-muh-move. Ha. No wonder you never talk.”

“Fuck off.”

“I’d rather fuck you. Show you what a real man feels like.”

Alex’s eyes widened, his throat closed, his breathing sped up, and his heart felt like it would burst through his chest at any moment. No. Not now. Not. Now. I need to get out of here, for my own safety. he thought, trying to clear his mind so he could focus on a way to get out of the bathroom. The closer the boy got, the more his chest and stomach hurt. It was becoming harder and harder to breathe eventually it felt like he was gasping for air.

Is this what death feels like? he thought as he watched the boy back him against one of the stalls and pin his arms against it. He felt like a ghost, floating above his body and watching all this happen, powerless to stop it. Tears pricked his eyes as he felt the boy’s lips on his, moving and moaning.

“Do you like that? I bet it’s better than how your fairy boyfriend kisses you.”

A sob escaped his lips and he saw the boy’s eyes flare with satisfaction. Domination. Power. This is what he wanted. No, I can’t give him what he wants. I need to go to another place, another place where everyone is accepting and I can just figure all this out without the judgment and I can just be with Jack while I do it with no pressure. Yeah, that’s a nice place.

The horrified feeling running through his body when his lips moved in sync with the boy’s punctured his dream bubble. The familiar feelings of lust and desire filled his body and he felt his dick get hard as the boy moved down to his ear. Why am I hard if I don’t want this to happen? Does that mean I like it deep down and I actually do want it? he thought.

“Yeah, I knew you liked that, faggot.”

He grabbed his denim-covered erection and Alex whimpered.

No. Please no. Stop. Stop. Why won’t he stop? Why won’t my voice work? Why can’t I move? Oh, God, okay. Just pretend this isn’t happening. Block him out. This isn’t happening. It’ll all be over soon. Don’t give him the power he wants and maybe he’ll stop. He thought.

The boy pressed his body to Alex’s as he slid a hand down his chest, lifting his t-shirt and sliding it all over his body, as if he was a dog marking a hydrant. He squeezed his eyes shut. Maybe when I open them again, I’ll wake up in my bed and this’ll just be one of those vivid bad dreams. He thought.

He felt the boy’s hands move to the button of his jeans, heard the slow movement of the zipper being unzipped and then of his jeans falling to the floor. This isn’t happening. This isn’t happening. Nope. He felt his chin trembling and he knew if he opened his mouth he’d scream or just completely break down and end up on the floor, even more vulnerable. He took a shuddering breath and opened his eyes again. The boy’s hands were inside the waistband of his boxers, passing a hand over his hips, grabbing his ass, and wrapping a hand around his dick.

“You’re my bitch now.” He said, squeezing.

Alex couldn’t help the scream of pain that came from his mouth.

The boy laughed and pushed him into the stall, shoving him against the wall of it. He locked it with his free hand and then reached back to his ass, stroking it before coming to a rest in the middle of it. He felt the boy's fingers dig into the crack. It felt as if someone had shoved a nail file up his ass, twisted it around, left it there and just kept doing it over and over again. There was no controlling the groans of pain that escaped his mouth anymore. I don’t want to fight this anymore. I just want it to be over. He felt tears wet his face and eyes as the boy continued and before he knew it, he couldn’t stop crying. He doubled over and his body shook, his breaths sounding more like hiccups.

The boy pulled the hair on his forehead back so he was looking up at him.

“We’re both going to savor this moment.”

The boy trailed his dirty hands back down his chest until he got to the waistband of his boxers, where he inserted his hands again and pushed the boxers down. It took hearing the boy unbuckling his belt for him to "unfreeze". He shoved the boy in the chest, grabbed his boxers, and launched himself toward the stall door's lock. He fumbled with the lock, struggling to see it through his blurry vision. He managed to get it unlocked. He’d taken about three steps outside the stall before his tormentor pulled him back.

The boy grabbed him by the waist and spun him around, bringing him an inch from his face.

“You’re not going to get away from me.”

The words struck a chord of fear in Alex’s heart and flowed throughout his body, making the room spin. He felt like he was going to pass out. It froze him for a second too long.

The boy pushed him back against the pillar of the stall door, again pinning his arms against his sides. He took in his hungry eyes scanning up and down his body like he was the last dessert on the dessert table. The room began to spin again and Alex swayed for a second before everything came into focus again. I almost wish I would pass out. he thought.

“Now, where were we?” he said, inclining his head to reach Alex's lips.

The boy's lips hovered over Alex's before his brain finally caught up with his body.

“STOP.”

The force of the words made the boy stop, just for a second, as if he was shocked he was fighting back. This made the adrenaline course through Alex's veins faster.

He kicked the boy in the shins and turned to dive under the stall door, but he wasn't fast enough. The boy pushed him, hard, and he fell backwards into the stall, arms windmilling around, trying and failing to give him balance. His head connected with the edge of the toilet and his body hit the floor. Everything started to turn black around him and his eyelids suddenly felt like they were weighed down by cement. He couldn’t keep them open anymore and let the encroaching darkness envelope him.