Never Let Me Go

Jack was in his last class before lunch daydreaming about playing guitar instead of listening to his Spanish teacher drone on about –ar and –er verbs. He wished he could make the bell ring sooner so he could see Alex. He’d spent the better part of the morning wondering what happened after he’d run off. He hoped he hadn’t done anything stupid.

An ambulance siren pierced the relative quiet of classroom. He noticed it getting louder instead of farther away. His arm started to itch as his anxiety levels jumped. He tried to tell himself that he was overreacting, Alex was fine, but he knew this jumpy feeling wouldn’t go away until he knew why the ambulance came. It could also be a fire truck siren. They do sound similar. he thought. Another part of his brain came back and said, if it was a fire, you know no one would be in class right now. He looked at the clock and breathed a sigh of relief. Only one minute of class left. He heard the other students now chattering behind him, probably wondering the same thing he did.

The bell rang and he bolted out of his seat. He slung his book bag over his shoulder and reached into his pocket for his cell phone. He looked up Alex’s number and pressed the phone icon next to his number to call him. He waited for the phone to connect and felt tension tighten his body each time the line rang and no one picked up. He hung up when he got Alex’s voicemail. He texted him asking if he was still in school or if he’d skipped for the rest of the day, though he knew how unlikely that seemed.

He started scanning the crowd in the hall, trying to see if he could spot Alex’s messy brown hair or his black and green book bag. He couldn’t. A sinking feeling settled around him like a python. He reached into his pocket and checked his phone again. Nothing. He saw a crowd forming around one area further down the hall. He watched as paramedics wheeled someone out on gurney, and he wanted to scream, cry, hit something, or do all three at once.

He ran toward the group, hoping to get a glimpse of who’d gotten hurt. As much as he pushed his way through, he couldn’t get to the front.

He turned to the person closest to him and asked, “Hey, do you know who that was?”

“Some sophomore. They’re saying he got attacked in there. I heard that the guy who found him passed out because there was so much blood.”

“Do they know what happened?” he heard his voice crack and cleared his throat.

“Half say he got stabbed. The other half say they heard yelling that turned into a fight.”

Fighting? Alex? So it can’t be him, right? Right? He thought.

He couldn’t allow himself to picture the other scenario, not if he wanted to keep himself from collapsing.

“You all right, man?”

“Fine. Do you remember what he looked like?”

“I dunno.... I didn’t really get a good look. I think he had brown hair though. Also, weirdest thing: when they found him, he was naked from the waist down. What type of argument ends up with you losing both your pants and your underwear?”

It felt like someone had punched him in the stomach. Ten different possibilities of what happened flashed across his mind all at once, with one terrifying one trying to force its way to the top. “when they found him naked from the waist down…”

He thought back to when he first come out and had gone looking for help understanding what was happening. He thought back to when he'd talked to the other bisexual guys in the support group and frowned. A lot of them had been assaulted either by someone who’d bullied them and some knew others who’d ended up dead because of their sexuality.

Flashes of the boys who’d been bullying him and Alex ran through his mind. They’d already started on Alex with the black eye and the name-calling. God, why didn’t I pay more attention to how much it all bugged him? Why didn’t I follow him into the bathroom and make sure he was okay? I’m such a terrible boyfriend, why did I not pay more attention to how much all of this was screwing him up? This is all my fault. He’d be safe right now if I’d just been more patient with him. Okay, Jack, get a hold of yourself. You don’t know for sure if it is him. Breathe. Call him again.

“Hey, are you sure you’re okay? You look like you’re gonna be sick.”

Nausea burned his insides and his back started to hurt. Why can’t I make my feet move? he thought.

“All right, well I’m gonna go eat lunch…”

That’s when Jack noticed the crowd had disappeared and the hall was empty again, as if nothing had ever happened. Dazed, he pulled out his cell phone and dialed Alex’s number again. It can’t be him. It can’t be. he thought. Voicemail again. He pressed “end” and checked his texts. Nothing new there either. He looked at the time on his phone and saw that lunch period was half over. Alex would have found him or otherwise gotten back to him by now. His knees buckled as the realization hit him. His bottom lip started trembling and soon his entire jaw was trembling. He touched his tongue to the roof of his mouth, a trick he used to keep himself from crying in public. He speed walked to the principal’s office, hoping they’d be able to tell him something.

He threw the door open when he got to the office and ran to the front desk. The receptionist stared at him, surprised. I guess I do look a mess, banging the door open like that.

“The boy… the one who got attacked. What was his name? I’m afraid it was my friend.” He said, panting.

The receptionist’s gaze turned sympathetic.

“I’m sorry. I wish I could help you but we can’t release information on students to non-family members.”

Jack swore and turned around, leaning back against the desk, trying to get his breathing and emotions under control. He heard the phone ring behind him and the shuffling of footsteps. He turned back around to see that the receptionist had left. He looked down at the desk, trying to see if there was any information on the attack.

His eyes scanned the papers on the desk hoping something would jump out at him. His eyes landed on the words “incident report”, reached over, and snatched it off the desk. I hope the name and the hospital are listed together. he thought. His heart dropped as he read: “Name of student: Alexander William Gaskarth”. He’d been expecting this, but having the confirmation in black and white smacked him in the face with reality. He heard footsteps making their way back toward the desk and the momentary panic allowed him to focus. He typed the hospital name into the memo pad app on his phone, put the report back on the desk, and ran for the door.

He reopened the memo app once he stood in the hallway and copied and pasted it into Google Maps. It said the hospital was 30 minutes from the school. He switched the directions over to bus and saw that one would be stopping in front of the school in the next 10 minutes. He pulled up another tab and typed “bus prices Baltimore” into the search bar. Once the price popped up, he dug in his pockets to see how much money he had. He realized he only had enough for one ride over. I’ll just call Rian or May on the way back. He thought.

Once at the hospital, Jack looked for the ER. He figured Alex would have been brought there if what the kid said were true. He walked the long hallway, got his bag checked by security, and made his way into the waiting room.

He approached the ER receptionist’s desk and said, “do you know which room Alexander Gaskarth is in?”

He watched as the receptionist typed the name into the computer.

“Are you family?”

“No, why does that matter?”

“I’m sorry, but we can only let family up at this time. If you want, you can wait with Mr. Gaskarth’s mother.” She said, pointing across the room.

Jack’s face fell. He looked over and saw the woman he’d come to despise. Maybe I can just hang out somewhere she won’t see me and I can find out what room he’s in that way. I really hope it’s not as bad as that kid said it was. He thought.