Never Let Me Go

Jack’s mind raced with worse case scenarios, with the same one popping up over and over again. It was the same one he’d been trying to ignore since he’d learned how Alex was found. It’s the only thing that makes sense. And if he was attacked ‘cause he’s with me, then this really is all my fault and I’m a terrible person. I want nothing more than to go over there right now and hold him and tell him it’ll be OK, but that would probably just make everything worse. Ugh, why am I so useless? He thought. The scars on his wrist itched and he buried those feelings and the thoughts that came along with them as far down as he could.

“Hey, uh, we’re gonna go find food… or something.” Rian said.

“We are?” Zack said.

Rian smacked him in the arm.

“Yes, we are.” He said.

“Ohhh. Yeah. Now that I think about it, I am kinda hungry.”

The door didn’t make a sound as Rian closed it.

Jack noticed Alex had stopped crying, but he was still curled into the fetal position.

“So… is what Zack said earlier true?”

Without turning to look at him, he saw Alex nod yes.

“What happened? And why did it require you pushing me off the bed? My head hit the back of one of those chairs, you know.”

Silence.

“Lex? I know you’re not asleep. We’ve been through this, c’mon. I can’t help you if you shut me out, remember?”

More silence.

Jack got up from the floor and went over to crouch in front of Alex. He tried to catch his eyes, but no luck. He reached to put his hand over his, but when his skin came into contact with the other boy’s, he jerked his hand away. Jack looked up into Alex’s eyes, about to tell him off again, but didn’t when he saw the fear in his eyes.

“Please, just tell me what happened. Between seeing you like this and what I’ve been imagining, just put me out of my misery.”

“No,” he said, his voice reduced to a whisper.

“Fine. Since you’re treating me like I don’t exist, I’m leaving. Enjoy your peace and quiet,” he said.

He stalked out of the room and felt tears burn his eyes again. He blinked them back, thinking to himself: I need to stop this. Crying is a sign of weakness. Great, now I’ve just called my boyfriend weak. Maybe not to his face but… he slammed the side of his fist into a wall he passed, the resulting throb making him shake his hand back out. He looked up, found signs that pointed toward the cafeteria, and hoped Rian and Zack really had gone there to get food.

He walked in and spotted Rian’s mop of curly hair toward the back of the cafeteria. Jack slumped over in the seat he took next to Zack. He pulled the sleeves of his hoodie over his hands, tugged the hood tighter over his forehead, and rested his head on his forearms,

“So it went well I take it,” Zack said, sarcasm in his voice.

Jack heard Rian smack him on the arm.

“He won’t tell me what happened, much less touch him.”

“Ew, man TMI.”

Jack shot Zack a dirty look.

“I mean I touched his hand and he flipped out. It was like invasion of the body snatchers. You saw him before. I just thought we were past this whole shutting down thing. Not to mention my head hurts…” he said, putting his head back down on his arm.

“Man, I’m sorry. I wish I knew what to tell you.” Rian said.

###

School was the last place Alex felt like going but he knew he had to now that the hospital had discharged him. Jack hadn’t come to see him again after they fought.

I don’t blame him. I wouldn’t want to see me either. I want more than anything to tell him what happened but every time I open my mouth, it’s like this overwhelming feeling of shame tapes my lips together. If I wasn’t such a crybaby who can’t deal with his own emotions, none of this would have ever happened. he thought. He rubbed the sleep out of his eyes and swung his legs over the bed. His foot kicked an empty beer bottle as he made his way over to the bathroom. He ran a hand over his stubbly chin and took in his bloodshot eyes. He shrugged and brushed his teeth. He grabbed the first shirt he found on the floor, put it on, and slung his book bag over his shoulder.

The walk to school felt longer than usual and he kept his eyes on the floor as he walked to his locker. He got his books out and forced himself to breathe normally. 10, 9, 8, 7, 6, 5, 4, 3, 2, 1. He repeated to himself as he breathed in through his nose and out through his mouth. This helped him hold onto his sanity as he climbed the stairs to homeroom. It’s gonna be a long day. He thought.

The bell finally rang for lunch and he felt tenser than he had all morning. He’d felt Jack’s eyes on him all through last period and knew he was going to hear it from him whether he wanted to or not.
Sure enough, the moment he sat down in the lunchroom Jack plopped himself across from him at the table. Alex refused to look up at him.

“Look, I’m sorry I never came back to see you at the hospital… I was mad and hurt and I just wanted to help and it didn’t seem like you were going to let me. I’ve debated calling you more than once and I just… I don’t know. But I saw you this morning and you still don’t look so good and it has me kinda concerned,” he said.

I can’t say I expected an apology. If anything, I feel like I should be apologizing to him. And ugh, of course he noticed my beard and how long I’ve let my hair get… I can’t let him see my eyes. I don’t want him to worry or question more. And I just… I can’t even make my mouth say words. I feel like it was my fault I even got into that situation… and the fact that I got hard. Does that mean I enjoyed it? That I’m a no good cheater?

Jack’s voice calling his name pierced his self-hate spiral.

“I-I thought about calling you too… but I had no idea what to say. And then I wouldn’t feel up to talking to anyone and I just… it was easier to be alone,”

“But you’re not alone. You have me. I could understand not wanting to talk to Rian or Zack, but I luh---“ he said, clapping a hand over his mouth.

Alex’s head shot up, waiting for Jack to finish his sentence. Jack was the one looking down now. It sounds like he’s going to say he loves me and no he can’t not right now I can’t do this. he thought, resisting the urge to cover his head with his arms.

“---I um, I really care about you and I’ve been worried ‘cause obviously something terrible went down and I know how you get inside your head and I just want to make sure you’re really OK,“

Alex breathed a sigh of relief at the sudden change in Jack’s words. He saw him reach for his hand but quickly pull it back. He cringed as he thought: I did this. I worried him and pretty soon he’s gonna hate me ‘cause I can’t fathom being touched by anyone and I just can’t tell him what happened. He’ll be grossed out and think I’m damaged or weak and—

“Why won’t you look at me, Lex? I feel weird talking to the top of your head,”

Shit. I know if I don’t, he’s going to make an even bigger deal of that.

He slowly raised his head and watched as the color drained out of Jack’s face.

Do I really look that bad? he thought.

“Have you been eating?”

Oh. I guess I haven’t. I kinda just eat a piece of peanut butter toast and that’s it for the day. he thought.

He shook his head, feeling like speaking required too much energy all of a sudden.

“Shit, Alex. ‘Cause of what happened? God, why can’t you tell me what it is?” he said, saying that last part more to himself than Alex.

And now I realize how much I hate hearing him call me by my full name. he thought.

“I want to tell you… believe me. But then I feel like that would make it real and you’d think I’m gross or horrible or something and I just can’t handle either of those right now.”

“I could never think you’re gross or horrible.”

“You say that now.”

Jack sighed.

“It’s kinda my job to support you and be there for you, you know. I’m hoping that’s not going to change any time soon,”

He refocused his eyes on the faded brown of the table.

“Come to band practice today… you’ll feel better, even if it’s just temporary. I’ll even convince Rian to let you use his drums. Great stress reliever,”

He made the mistake of looking back up and meeting Jack’s eyes. The desperation, worry, and… love? in them tugged at Alex’s heart.

“Okay. Fine.” he said, his voice quiet.

I’d forgotten how much I love his smile. It’s been so long since I’ve seen it. he thought.

###

That night, Jack noticed Alex hadn’t touched his food again. I thought that him agreeing to come back with me after practice was the start of us getting back to normal. Maybe I was just hoping too much. Jack thought.

“It really freaks me out when you do that. I just… I don’t get why you’re doing this to yourself again.“

“What happened was my fault. I don’t deserve to eat.” He said, pushing the plate away.

Jack felt as if someone had taken a baseball bat to his chest. Words escaped him so he scooted his chair closer to Alex’s. He made sure to catch his eyes, asking silent permission as he slowly slid his arms around his waist, hugging him. He leaned into his chest and Jack heard him inhale.

He snuggled further into Jack’s chest and said, “Can we just go upstairs and lay down?”

He felt his throat tightening and chin trembling. He took a deep breath to steady his voice.

“Sure. Remember we have that report due on Friday. Promise you’ll work on some of yours with me first? Or at least attempt some?”

“Fine.”

That seemed to be Alex’s default response these days.

He woke up to the mixed smell of cinnamon, whiskey, and vodka. Confused, he turned over to Alex’s side of the bed. His confusion turned to surprise when the smell became stronger the closer he got to him. He tried to shake him awake but it didn’t work. The concern rising in his body blossomed into full on panic and soon felt like it was strangling him. He was fine when we went to bed last night… or at least as fine as he could be. What the hell happened? he thought. He reached over and brushed some hair out of Alex’s eyes, trying to divert some of his own nervous energy.

He stirred after he’d been doing it for a few minutes.

“Jack?”

“Hey,” he flashed him a sad smile before continuing, “I need to ask you a serious question. Are you drunk?”

He saw fear flash in Alex’s eyes before his guard went back up.

“I’m hung over. There’s a difference,” he said, slinging an arm over his eyes.

Jack stopped a scream of frustration from ripping out of his throat.

“Do you not trust me? Is that why you won’t tell me anything?”

Alex moved faster than he had since he’d woken up, flipping over to face Jack.

“Of course I trust you!” he said, eyes frantic. “I just --- can we not do this now?”

Jack couldn’t stop himself from rolling his eyes.

“If you think I’m going to sit here and watch you destroy yourself, you have another thing coming. What the hell is so bad that you’d rather hurt yourself than let me help?”

“You’d hate me if I told you.” Alex said, looking down at the covers bunched up in his hands.

“How about you let me decide that?”

“I-I just… it happened after our fight that morning and it just… I can’t. Not yet. It’s too much and almost… embarrassing?”

Jack groaned.

“Whatever, Alex. You know, last I checked, relationships require trust AND communication, even if it’s embarrassing. I’m gonna get ready for school.” he said. He flung the covers off of his body and slammed the bathroom door.

Alex heard the shower start and finally let the tears he’d been holding in go. As his body shook, the attack played over and over in his mind just like it had in the nightmare he’d had last night. It was like a film reel and he wished more than anything he could snap it in two so it would stop. I really thought getting drunk would make it all stop. Why didn’t it work like last time? he thought.

###

Jack ignored him the whole day and it didn’t seem like he was going to let up at practice either.

This is why I’m a shit person. I wish more than anything that I could make myself tell him what happened. I just wanna go home, bury myself under the covers, and never come out.

“Zack, could you tell Alex to stop being so flat please?” Jack said.

Alex noticed he refused to look in his direction.

“Tell him yourself? And he’s not flat at all, what are you talking about?”

Jack shot Zack a death stare.

Zack looked at Alex and mouthed the words “I’m sorry”.

Stress tied his head and back into knots and all he felt like doing was drowning himself in Fireball again. His voice came out choked when he started the song again. I feel like punching something… I can’t even get that right anymore.

Practice went on like this until Jack played a bum note that caused everyone to cover their ears and wince.

“Okay what is going on between you two?” Rian said.

Jack hardly ever messed up, especially on power chords.

“Nothing,” he said.

“Uh huh. I can see that. That’s why you’ve been ignoring him ever since he got here, right?”

He gave an exasperated sigh.

“Fine. You really wanna know? Well, Alex would rather drink himself into oblivion or starve than tell me what has him so fucked up in the first place.”

Alex’s head shot up and his eyes widened as he looked over at Jack. He felt Rian and Zack’s eyes on him as well. His embarrassment turned to fury.

“What the fuck, Jack? Thanks for putting my business out there like that.”

“I’m just---“

“I don’t care what ‘you just’. You’ve been a shithead since this morning and I’m over it. I’m still making sense of what happened, and it was pretty fucked, so I wish you’d stop acting like I’m keeping something stupid from you.”

Alex threw his book bag over his shoulder and stalked toward the door, slamming it behind him. He had no idea where he was going, just as long as it was away from Jack and practice and all that came with it.