Never Let Me Go

Alex and Jack were the only ones left in the rehearsal room again after school. The situation eerily echoed the dream he’d had last night. Hey, maybe I can predict the future. he thought. He caught himself. Wait, what? I need to stop.

“Thanks again for helping me finish the song,”

“No problem,” Jack said, patting Alex’s knee.

Alex gasped at the unexpected touch. Jack hopped up and started unplugging his guitar and putting all the separate wires and things away in the case.

“Hey, you want to come over? Maybe we could jam s’more? I have pizza rolls and Blink-182 CDs,” Jack said, closing the locks on his guitar case.

“Uh, sure. Sounds cool,” Alex said.

#

The beeping of the oven interrupted the boys’ attempt to learn Blink-182’s “All The Small Things”. They bolted up from the basement couch and raced each other to the kitchen.

“How are you so fast?” Alex said, winded.

“Practice,” Jack said. He winked at Alex before grabbing some oven mitts, opening the oven, and taking the pizza rolls out.

The two of them grabbed plates, loaded them up with the rolls, and headed back down to the basement, where they each took up their previous places on the couch. Jack dug the remote for the stereo out of the couch cushions and turned Blink’s “Enema of the State” back on.

Alex chomped down on one of the pizza rolls and the filling spilled onto the plate, his lap, and all over his mouth.
He then heard Jack laughing at his mess and tried to glare at him, but instead became absorbed in what a beautiful sound his laugh was.

“Here, I brought napkins,” Jack said, passing a stack of them over.

Alex wiped his mouth and lap, hoping the sauce wouldn’t stain his jeans.

“You still have some sauce right there.” He said, smirking as he gestured to the corner of Alex’s mouth.

Alex ran a finger over the corner.

“Did I get it?” he said.

“Nah. Let me get it.”

Jack took his finger and wiped it over the corner. He didn’t stop there though. Alex felt him glide his finger over his bottom lip. His eyes closed and he shivered.

Jack leaned in, as if asking permission, and the only response Alex could manage was a nod.

When Jack’s lips met his, it was like someone had lit a fire in his gut. The sparks traveled up to his throat and a muffled moan sounded through their lips. Jack kissed him harder then and Alex felt his body respond. He couldn’t believe how amazing it felt to kiss Jack. He felt his shoulders relax and his arms wrapped around Jack’s neck. He pressed himself to him as if he was the last source of oxygen in the world. He responded in kind. They only broke apart because they needed to inhale real oxygen. Both were breathing heavily.

“Wow… that was…” Jack said through breaths.

Alex looked at Jack, his eyes wide. Uncertainty and fear knotted his shoulders, making them tense. I enjoyed that, but I’m not gay... what does this mean? he thought.

“Really? Was it okay that I did that? It seemed like we were both enjoying it. Was I wrong?” Jack said, his eyes full of concern.

“Oh God, did I say that out loud? I’m sorry. It’s just, I’ve only ever dated girls and I like girls, but I really liked kissing you too and that’s confusing.” He said, looking down at his hands in his lap.

“I get you. I mean, I’ll be here while you figure it out… if you want me to be that is.” Jack said, his eyes searching Alex’s.

A shy smile spread across Alex’s face.

“That would be cool,” he said.

“Would you object to me kissing you again?” Jack said, his eyes full of hope.

“I definitely wouldn’t.” Alex said, still smiling.

Jack leaned in, that ever-present smile on his face, and pressed another kiss to Alex’s lips. The embers from their last kiss had risen in his gut again, making him feel warm from the inside out.

#

Alex spotted his new favorite brunette when he got to school the next morning and speed walked over to where he was sitting. He plopped down next to him and squeezed his hand.

“Hey,” Alex said.

Jack jumped.

“Oh God, Alex, you scared me,” Jack said, still catching his breath.

“Sorry!”

What if he decides he doesn’t want to hang out with me anymore after this? Alex thought.

Before his mind could spiral further out of control, he felt Jack pull him into a hug. He rested his head on his shoulder. They just stayed like that for a minute, with Jack running his hand up and down Alex’s back. This is so comfortable… can we just stay like this forever? He thought. Jack pulled back another second later and looked from Alex’s eyes to his lips. His face inched closer and closer to Alex’s, asking a silent question. He nodded and Jack’s lips joined his. The fire exploded in his gut again.

When they broke apart, a dopey smile crossed Alex’s face and he said, “I still can’t believe how good it feels to kiss you.”
“Well, allow me to make you feel good again,” Jack said.

He leaned in and this time, their lips joined like two ships colliding on a choppy sea. Alex snaked his arm around Jack’s neck, resting his hand against the back of it, pulling him closer to him. Jack allowed his hands to roam as well and rested one on Alex’s ass, giving it a squeeze. That earned a laugh from Alex.

“Fags,” someone shouted from behind them.

They broke apart to see a tall, tanned guy wearing a lacrosse uniform glaring down at them.

“Fuck off,” Jack said, giving the guy the finger. “C’mon Alex,” He stood up, extending his hand.

Alex looked at his hand and then at the lacrosse player. He felt his mind starting to race: I’mnotgayI’mnotgayI’mnotgay. If I take Jack’s hand this guy’s going to think I’m gay and then he’s gonna tell the rest of the school and this’ll never end and it’ll probably get worse and oh God.

He felt like tearing his hair out but instead he stayed frozen, feeling like he was being forced to decide on an identity right then and there. He looked at the lacrosse player and this amazing person he could see himself developing feelings for, unable to make a decision. The bell signaling homeroom rang just then and Alex turned and ran up the stairs to his homeroom.

What did I just do? Jack’s gonna be so mad at me… if he ever talks to me again after that. he thought. He felt his chest tighten and his heartbeat speed up and he tried to force himself to think about something, anything else to get his mind off what had just happened.

Alex’s worst fears were confirmed when it was time for one of the two classes they had together. Jack wouldn’t even look in his direction. Instead, he just stared at his jacket sleeves, alternately pulling at them and stuffing his hands inside them. He seemed to be sniffling and Alex couldn’t handle the thought that he might have made Jack cry. Jack was this perfect, funny ray of sunshine. His ray of sunshine. And he couldn’t handle the thought that he might have made that smile-y boy sad. He promised himself he would tell his fear to shove it and find Jack after class.

[Tick. Tick. Tick.]

The noise the clock on the classroom wall made as it ticked away the seconds made him more nervous by the second. He twiddled his pen between index and middle finger, waiting for that infernal clock to hit noon. One minute to go. He started shoving stuff into his book bag so he’d be prepared.

The loud noise from the bell made him jump even though he was expecting it. He shot up, immediately fighting his way through the crowd to find Jack. He found him in the bottleneck to exit the classroom door and put a hand on one of his shoulders to get his attention. Jack turned around.

“Oh, so now you can be seen with me?” he said.

Alex hated how hurt he sounded. It was like he was trying to sound angry or sarcastic and it wasn’t working.

He hung his head, took a breath, and said, “It’s not that… it’s just… I told you I’m still figuring shit out and I regretted running away the minute I did it and sometimes I just suck at decisions. I do like you a lot and I’m just confused and fucked up and I’m really, really sorry and I understand if you never want to talk to me again.”

Jack didn’t say anything. His eyes darted to the ground and it was another second before he spoke.

“I want to say I understand, but then I’d be lying. I really like you, Alex, and I don’t want to hide that. I need time to process all of this… just… I need space or whatever, okay?”

Alex hung his head. Oh God, I really did screw up. Why do I always do this to myself?

He felt his eyes tearing up, something that happened when he hit stress overload. He managed to mumble “okay”, adjusted his book bag strap and pushed past Jack. He felt his chin trembling and knew he was about to start crying. He ducked into the nearest bathroom, locked himself in a stall, and let go. Tears poured out of his eyes and his body shook. Why am I such an idiot? he thought, banging his head on the stall door.