Perfume

April 2005

Valary DiBenedetto had been dating Matt Sanders, aka M. Shadows for a little over five years now, and until that exact moment, as she walked up to the studio carrying two trays of Starbucks coffees, she hadn’t had a bit of insecurity about their relationship. Not since they’d become official anyway. If she was honest with herself, there had been a moment around Matt’s high school graduation that she’d been a little worried he might dump her and get back together with his first love. But now that they’d been together for as long as he and Casey had been, she hadn’t been worried about losing him.

Until she saw who was leaning against the side of the building, talking to Matt.

Jimmy pounced at her, taking one of the trays from her hand as she stared at the red haired woman chatting up her boyfriend. She turned to Jimmy, trying to keep herself calm.

“Please tell me,” she whispered. “That I am seeing things, and that is not Casey O’Malley?”

Jimmy glanced over his shoulder, and then looked back over at Val and shrugged. “Do you want me to lie to you?”

Valary sighed. “What the hell is she doing here?”

Jimmy shrugged again. “No fucking clue. All I know is there she is.”

Valary squared her shoulders, and braced herself for coming face to face with the woman who’d ripped out Matt’s heart six years ago. She didn’t want to see Casey, didn’t want Casey anywhere near Matt, but she wasn’t going to start a fight over it. She would pretend she didn’t care.

“Hey babe,” she greeted Matt and leaned over, kissing him on the cheek as she watched Casey out of the corner of her eye.

Casey just arched a brow at Val’s completely obviously possessive gesture, as Matt continued talking, ignoring Val’s display of affection as his hands moved in an animated gesture as he discussed the album.

Since when does Casey give a shit about his music? Val wondered to herself as she took Matt’s coffee out of the tray and put it in his moving hand.

He stopped then, looked down at the coffee and then over at Val. He shot her a smile, dimples flashing. “Thanks Val.”

“You’re welcome,” Valary replied and leaned over, going in for another kiss. Matt turned his head to the side just as her lips met his face, and she ended up kissing his cheek. What the hell? She fumed silently.

Casey tried not to laugh at Val’s irritation, instead brushing a strand of her hair back, letting it fall around her shoulders. She watched as Matt’s gaze followed it, then she smirked. “You were saying?”

“It’s gonna be fucking epic,” he told her with a smile. “Remember how we watched Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas together?”

Casey nodded, catching Val’s pained expression at Matt’s mention of watching a movie together. “Of course I do,” she elaborated. “How could I forget? Didn’t I blow you in the theater that night?”

Val’s nostrils flared as Matt’s eyes darkened, a smile lighting up his face as he nodded in agreement.

“Yeah, you did,” Matt agreed with Casey. “It was fucking epic.”

“Does she have to bring it up?” Val asked and Matt glanced over at her, startled, as if he’d forgotten she was even there.

He took a breath, and stared at her for a moment, then shrugged. “Didn’t realize my history with Casey bothered you Val. You never seemed to care before.”

“You also didn’t go around reminiscing about it,” Valary pointed out as she gestured at Casey. “With her.”

Matt rolled his eyes. “Don’t be paranoid babe. It doesn’t mean anything. Does it Case?”

Casey smirked, and shook her head. “Not a thing.”

Valary frowned at her. “So you’re over him this time?”

Casey arched a brow at her. “What do you mean, this time? Are you referring to graduation? Whatever makes you think that I wasn’t over him then? Because I flirted with him a little?”

Matt nearly tensed at Casey’s casual mention of graduation, but relaxed when she played it off, keeping their secret a secret. The only other person who knew something had happened was Jimmy, and he wouldn’t tell Val, even if she was one of his best friends too. Jimmy had encouraged Matt to go get Casey out of his system, so he had. The problem he had currently, was that now that she was here in front of him, he couldn’t stop thinking about her, about them, about everything he’d ever planned for their future. It didn’t seem to matter that he’d been with Val for an equal amount of time, with Casey standing in front of him, it seemed to pale in comparison. Was it the first love curse? The one where you never truly got over that person, no matter who else you found yourselves with?

“Are you telling me,” Val ground the words out. “That the shit you pulled at graduation was nothing? Just for kicks?”

Casey shrugged, her expression filled with nonchalance.

This made Valary fume. How dare Casey fuck with her that way! If it was true, and Casey hadn’t actually wanted anything from Matt, then it was just to screw with her head, and that was just… What a bitch! Her mind screamed.

“Val, chill,” Matt snapped suddenly and Val’s vision, which had clouded over in rage, cleared.

“Chill?” Val asked Matt, her eyes going wide. “She’s standing here, telling me she was fucking around with us, and you’re telling me to chill? She hasn’t changed one bit Matt! She’s still the selfish bitch who dumped you!”

Matt felt rage seep into his being at Val’s angry accusations and name calling of Casey; It didn’t matter that he’d thought the same thing about Casey many times over the years, it was one thing for him to think it, to rage at her picture about it, but it was quite another for Val to say it. She had no right.

“Shut up Val,” Matt snapped, glaring at her. “We wanted different things, that’s all.”

“Now you’re defending her?” Val asked, her expression and tone wounded. “What the hell, Matt?”

Casey tried to keep a straight face as she watched the tension mount between the couple. They were about to start fighting. “Look,” she touched Matt’s arm and he relaxed, turning his attention, and his body, back towards her, ignoring Val again. “I should probably get going. I’ll talk to you later, though?”

Matt’s brow furrowed. “You’re gonna leave? Why?”

Casey tilted her head at Val, her eyebrows in the air as she gave Matt a ‘well, duh’ look. Matt shook his head and rolled his eyes.

“Don’t mind her,” Matt told Casey with a grin. “Stay. I haven’t seen you in forever and I wanna catch up. I wanna play you some of the tracks we’ve laid out…”

Valary snorted, because she didn’t believe Casey actually cared about Matt’s music any more than she had six years ago. She was just pretending to be interested because it got her Matt’s attention. She could see right through her, and she preferred it when Casey was gone.

“I’d love to,” Casey replied, and when Matt walked past her, she shot Val a confident smile, and then turned on her heel and followed Matt into the studio, leaving Val fuming behind her.

“Oooh,” Val snarled as Brian walked up. “I’m gonna kill her!”

“Who are we killing? The hottie who just followed Matt into the studio? Why?” He asked Val, curiosity in his expression.

“Oh, you did not just call the competition a hottie,” Zack draped his arm over Brian’s shoulders as he flicked his cigarette to the ground and stomped it out.

“Competition?” Brian asked, eyebrows in the air as he looked from Zack to Val. “What the hell is going on?”

“That,” Zacky explained as Valary glared at Brian. “Was Matt’s ex-girlfriend, Casey. They dated from junior high to Matt’s senior year, and then Casey dumped him on his ass, leaving Val to pick up the pieces of his shattered heart.”

“Oh,” Brian observed as he shot Val a sympathetic glance. “So she’s the one who got away.”

“Don’t fucking call her that,” Val snapped, stalking into the studio after Matt and Casey. “She’s nothing. She’s no one. And soon, he’ll remember that and she’ll be gone again.”

“Right,” Brian agreed as he looked over at Zacky and whispered. “After Matt’s fucked her again, because there’s no way he’s not fucking her again.”

“Shh,” Zacky shook his head. “Don’t let Val hear that.”

“But it’s true,” Brian argued softly. “If Casey dumped him, he might still be hung up on her. He might want to at least tap that fine ass again.”

“So?” Zacky shook his head. “You don’t have to sell him out to Val over it.”

When Val walked into the sitting area of the studio, Matt was pulling away from Casey, and the other woman’s hands were lightly wrapped around his neck. Valary tried not to think about it too hard, or she might suspect that they’d been about to kiss, or had kissed, or something equally nefarious.

“So, Bat Country,” Casey was saying and Matt nodded. “I want to hear it.”

No, she doesn’t, not really, Val’s mind argued as she tried to keep her face from showing her distrust of Casey’s motives. She didn’t want the other woman to hang out for long. She didn’t want Matt distracted. She just wanted Casey to drop back off the face of the earth and crawl back into whatever hole she’d been hiding in since Matt graduated.

What the hell was she even doing there anyway? How had she found out where they were? Why was she suddenly feigning interest in Matt’s band? Because Val didn’t for one second believe that she actually cared about Matt’s band. She wanted something, she had to, because that was the only thing that made sense.

Casey wanted something from Matt. And the only thing Val could imagine Casey wanting from Matt was sex. It was, after all, something they’d always been very good at, from what she’d heard during Matt and Casey’s relationship.

Just because she didn’t want to be reminded of how epic their sex life was, didn’t mean she didn’t remember. She remembered every time they fucking made love, because she was always afraid she would never match up. That she would never be as good as he’d claimed it was with Casey.

And he never told her she was as good, never told her that she was better. And she was afraid to ask, because she didn’t want to know the truth if the truth was that the sex was better with Casey. As much as she wished she knew, she didn’t actually want to hear it.

But Matt eagerly played the new tracks for Casey, and she seemed attentive, so much so that Val couldn’t detect the slightest hint that she wasn’t actually interested. But she still wasn’t convinced Casey had developed an interest in supporting Matt’s dreams after all these years.

It was hours later, and nearly a whole song tracked, later that Casey told Matt she really needed to get going. He nodded.

“I’ll walk you out,” he told her and Val watched him, trying to stamp down the jealousy that flared in her chest as the exes walked down the hall, their bodies nearly touching.

How could they look so comfortable together after what Casey did, and six years, lay between them? It was almost as if no time, and no awful breakup, had happened, and it was driving Val crazy. Matt was over Casey, wasn’t he? Surely six years was enough time to get over someone, right? It shouldn’t matter that Casey was the one to end it, six years should be enough time for the love he’d felt for her to just fade away.

Right?

Val resisted the urge to follow them down the hall and spy on them, instead gripping the sides of the couch cushion, fixing herself into one spot so she didn’t run off and chase him down, demand that he never speak to Casey again. That would not make him happy, she could tell. If she forbade him from seeing Casey, he’d probably just talk to her more.

Two weeks later, Casey showed up at a party that the guys were throwing and Val was furious, because it was supposed to be a private party, which meant someone had had to invite her. And it was probably Matt, who’d been spending an awful lot of time on his phone when they weren’t in the studio, and taking off at the strangest hours. And when they weren’t together, if she called, he didn’t answer. So when they were together, she was sure to spend a little extra time making sure she smelled nice and feminine, so that when he left, if he went to go see Casey, she would be reminded by the way he smelled, that he belonged to someone else now.

And she brought hard liquor with her. Valary was fuming silently to herself as Casey passed bottles of Jack around to the guys, slipping into her old place comfortably as if she’d never left. It irritated Val that Casey was so easily accepted back into the fold when she herself had had to fight so hard to get there in the first place. But there she was, as if nothing had ever happened, as if she’d never left. There she was, bringing the liquor so the guys could get drunk. Only this time they were all legal, and it hadn’t been purchased by whatever adult Casey had conned into buying it for them.

“Is that who I fucking think it is?” Her twin whispered in her ear as she walked up.

Val let out a soft whimper and her twin wrapped her arm around her shoulders. “Yes,” she admitted softly, tears threatening to gather in her eyes.

“Whoa, what the hell is Matt’s ex doing here?” Michelle asked her, her tone judgmental and accusatory.

Val shrugged. “I had no idea she would be here until she showed up. Matt neglected to mention the fact that he was inviting his ex to our private party.”

“So call him out on it,” Michelle told her as she squeezed her shoulder supportively. “You have a right to know why he’s inviting her places all of a sudden.”

“It isn’t really all of a sudden,” Val whispered, admitting it aloud for the first time. “They’ve been talking for a couple weeks now.”

“What? And you’re only just now telling me about this?” Michelle asked her and she nodded.

“I thought if I ignored it, she’d go away,” Valary admitted. “But she doesn’t seem to be going anywhere. And he claims that there’s nothing going on, that they’re over each other.”

“Then why the fuck is she here?” Michelle asked, shooting a glare in Matt’s direction, where he was currently downing a bottle of Jack, Casey egging him on the way she always had as teenagers.

“They decided to be friends?” Valary quoted what Matt had told her when she’d asked him why he was talking to Casey so much, but she made it a question because she didn’t believe him. Not completely anyway. Maybe he wanted to try to be friends, but she doubted Casey’s intentions were the same. She was positive Casey wanted Matt back, and the just being friends ploy was just to get him to let her spend time with him.

Michelle snorted. “You can’t be friends with your exes. It doesn’t work that way, especially not after a relationship like theirs. I’m sorry Val, they may be friends now, but they’re not gonna stay that way. Just look at them.”

Valary frowned. “Shut up, Michelle. Just shut up.”

Just then Casey raised a bottle of Jack into the air and shouted, “Carpe Diem, baby!” Then proceeded to tip the bottle back and down a good third of it in one sitting.

After that, she couldn’t stand to watch, so she left and spent the rest of the night wondering if Matt would even notice that she was gone.

End of April 2005

“I have one more I wanna add,” Matt announced and Val stared at him in shock.

He hadn’t even told her he was working on another track. When had this happened, and why had she been shut out of it?

“What is it?” Zacky asked and Matt tossed him a sheet of paper. Zacky read over it, then glanced over at Brian and handed him the paper. “What do you think?”

Brian read over it, smirked as he glanced over at Matt, then back at Zacky. “I think it’s a fucking ballad, that’s what I think. But I think I can work with it, change it up. Hey, what about that one track piece that we didn’t use yet?”

“I based it off that,” Matt agreed and they headed into the studio to work on it.

Valary let out a whimper at having been left out, and Jimmy stopped to wrap his arm around her shoulders. “What happened?” She moaned. “Where did the boy who told me everything go?”

Jimmy shrugged, knowing full well that once she became Matt’s fuck buddy and then girlfriend, Matt stopped sharing his feelings about Casey with her, because he’d felt it was unfair of him to burden his new girlfriend with his conflicted feelings about his ex. But just because she stopped hearing about them, didn’t mean they’d gone away, even if it might have seemed like they’d disappeared. Because once he’d started sleeping with Val, he’d stopped talking about Casey with her. And Jimmy wasn’t about to enlighten his friend about what had gone on, because he’d sworn to Matt all those years ago that he would never tell Val what Matt had done graduation night.

And he never would.

Once the song was recorded, the guys deemed the record done. Val loved the song, but she had a feeling it had nothing to do with her. Casey’s proclamation to ‘seize the day’ stuck in her head as she mentally went over the lyrics to the track. She just couldn’t shake the feeling that Casey’s carefree presence had inspired the lyrics Matt sang in the song, as much as she wished it was about her, she didn’t believe that it was.

By the time she’d stopped thinking, Matt was gone.

“Where did he go?” She asked Jimmy and Jimmy shook his head.

“No idea,” Jimmy told her and draped his arm over her shoulders again. “But I can give you a ride home.”

“I want to go to Matt’s,” she told him.

“Fine, I’ll give you a ride to Matt’s,” Jimmy told her, with a roll of his eyes. “You need to relax. Your paranoia is going to make us all crazy.”

“So he’s not cheating on me?” Valary whispered, meeting Jimmy’s gaze, searching it for the truth. “Casey doesn’t have some sort of hold over him?”

Jimmy laughed. “Honey, some of us manage to be friends with the girls who break our hearts. It isn’t impossible. They talk sometimes, but there’s nothing going on that I know of.”

Valary had almost been relieved, until Jimmy had added that last little qualifier… That I know of. It kind of defeated the purpose of reassuring her, when he added that little part of the phrase.

When he dropped her off at Matt’s place, she was frustrated to learn that he wasn’t even there. That was when she started to get pissed off, and she called him, but once again, he didn’t answer. So she called him again, and he still didn’t answer. She waited twenty minutes, and called again, but this time, his phone wasn’t even on.

She was beside herself, freaking out, when he finally got back at nearly midnight. She walked up to him and wrapped her arms around him, breathing deeply in…

What she smelled, wasn’t her perfume. He smelled like the perfume Casey had been wearing every time she’d come over and hung out with the group, and she wondered if Casey had done it on purpose, getting her used to the scent so she’d recognize it when she smelled it all over Matt.

“I fucking hate you,” she spat the words out as she backed away from him, and watched as Matt’s eyebrows shot up in the air.

“What the fuck did I do?” He asked her calmly, not reacting to the way she lashed out at him.

“You know what you fucking did!” Valary screamed, tears threatening to blind her. “You fucking smell like her! I know you were with her! Don’t bother trying to deny it!”

Matt shrugged, still calm, which pissed her off even farther, making her want to smash him over the head with something, anything. But naturally, there wasn’t anything handy.

“Tell me that I’m wrong!” She yelled, but he didn’t say a word, didn’t say anything at all. “You can’t, can you? Because I’m right, I’m fucking right. Every fucking time you’ve disappeared, you’ve been with her!”

Matt leaned back against the wall, watching Valary rage. He wasn’t going to bother denying it, because he had been spending time with Casey. But just because he’d been around her, didn’t mean he’d cheated. But Valary was jumping to that conclusion, so why shouldn’t he fuck Casey? Why should he try to convince Val that she was wrong? If she was going to accuse him of cheating on her, and not believe him if he said he wasn’t, why shouldn’t he just do the things she was accusing him of doing?

“Why?” Val whispered finally. “Why would you do this to me?”

“I didn’t do anything to you Val,” Matt snapped, rolling his eyes. “You just assumed I did. You clearly don’t trust me, which I don’t understand! I don’t know what it is about Casey that makes you think I’m going to cheat on you, but you really need to calm the fuck down.”

“I smell her all over you,” Val retorted. “So don’t even pretend you didn’t do anything.”

“Yeah, Val, I did something,” he taunted and when her eyes filled with righteous indignation he finished with, “I hugged her, okay? That’s how the perfume got on me. I fucking hugged her. She’s my friend, one of my best friends, and it fucking hurt to lose that when we broke up. So fuck yeah, I’m going to be friends with her, and if you have a problem with that…” He gestured at the door. “There’s the fucking door, you’re welcome to walk out it at any point.”

“You expect me to just be okay with you spending a shit ton of time with your ex-girlfriend?” Valary demanded and Matt shrugged.

“I expect you to not tell me who the fuck I can and can’t be friends, and spend my time, with.” Matt uttered the words and watched the shock flood Val’s face. “I am going to talk to, and spend time with, Casey. If you can’t fucking deal with that, you’re welcome to leave.”

Valary’s jaw dropped. How could he be telling her this after the five years they’d spent together? “I thought you loved me!” She started to cry, unable to help herself.

“I do love you,” he told her, his voice gentle. “But I fucking care about Casey, and she is my friend. I’m not going to tell her she can’t try to fix our friendship just because you’re jealous. You need to get it the fuck under control, or we’re done, do you understand?”

She nodded slowly. “I love you Matt, and I don’t want to lose you. So I will try to be okay with you being friends with her, but Matt?” She looked up at him, and when he looked back at her, expression waiting for her to continue, she did. “Can you try not to take off to go see her without letting me know first? It bothers me that you disappear. It’s like you’re hiding things from me.”

“I’m not hiding anything from you Val,” Matt whispered and wrapped his arms around her.

She kept crying, because he still smelled like Casey and she hated it. But she wanted to believe him when he said he wasn’t cheating on her, so she was going to try. She couldn’t stand the idea of losing him, so she would do her best to accept that he was going to be friends with his ex, whether she liked it or not.

“I love you,” she whispered, her arms tightening around him.

“And I love you.”