My Dear Dakota

She was already gone.

In three weeks the love of my life entered and exited like any passerby in the library. I followed the ambulance in my car and my aunt came with me, not knowing about how much I loved Dakota. The doctor said there wasn't anything they could do, and that they couldn't get ahold of her parents. They asked if I was related or a friend, I told them I was her everything and she was mine, and then they proceeded to tell me that she was dead for about an hour. A fucking hour. If I hadn't had slept in, then maybe she would still be alive. Maybe we could have grown old together and had kids of our own that were adopted and then grandchildren.

Maybe...

Later that day, when I returned home, I found a note rolled up and shoved into the handle of the mug she had used to drink tea out of. It was written on the back of an flier that I had taken off of my windshield the day before. I read it four times. And then four more times.

I remember every intricately printed letter, every beautiful word, and it read like this:


Rachel,

Regarding this cup, thank you. Cats are very lovely, as you are.
I'm sorry, I'm so sorry that it has to be this way... But I've made up my mind.
I have nothing for me in this world, besides you... And I want to save you the years and years of pain and emotional stress... You don't deserve it at all.
I really do love you, I only came into the library because I thought you were beautiful and you made me feel cared for. Thank you for noticing my bruises and my cuts and my scrapes. Thank you for taking me in, and thank you for asking so many questions. I've lived a very complicated and twisted life these past 18 years,and I'd like to think that you were the only light part of it. You were the sun to me, and no star can compete. I'll make it quiet and quick and I don't want you to have to clean up blood so I'll do it in the shower.
I can't fit much else on this.... So I'll end this quickly...
Don't blame yourself, my love.
This is nothing you could have stopped, I was thinking about it before I came to you. I didn't wish to burden you, so this is how it is. I know this isn't emotional, maybe it is, I don't know..

I fell in love with you and I want you to grow old with me in your heart.

You were the first real thing.

I love you,
Love forever,
Dakota.


Love forever,
Dakota...

There's something about your first love that will always stick with you, and Dakota had done just that. I was bad after that, but some happiness came when I read that a drunken Don Sullivan had crashed his car into the icey river. But then I got bad again. And bad is where I stayed.
----
A full 10 years later, and I'm partially better. I get up out of bed and go to work more, but it's just from 'have to' and not 'want to.' I eat three meals a day, and I keep it down. I moved out of my apartment and in with Aunt Lillian. When I told her about Dakota, she said she figured something like that was going down but didn't want to question it. She also said that it was okay, and asked if I wanted cookies for my birthday or pie...

I still see Dakota, but not like I used to. This time she's in the summer night sky, and in the leaves in the wind. I can feel her breath against my cheek when I'm asleep, so I try to sleep longer and longer.

I loved her.

I love her.

And a little part of me, to this day, knows she's always there.

She's still new to me.