Please Stay

Jack lightly clenched his husband's almost limp hand. He rubbed gentle circles on he back of it; serving more as a distraction for the younger of the two than anything. It's not like his beloved was conscious.

Everything had been ok. The chemo was doing it's job, Alex's condition was stabilizing. He was getting better. But then, all of a sudden he wasn't. The change had baffled doctors. They changed his medicine multiple times and did many tests to hopefully find out what went wrong. But they didn't.

Jack knew the end was near. He could tell by Alex's sudden loss of strength and the pitiful looks all of the nurses sent him as they came and went- less frequently than before Jack noted.

"Zack?" He whispered to his long time friend and current support system, "Can you do me a favor?"

"Anything Jack," Zack responded immediately, "What do you need?"

"I think we both know it's going to be over soon," Jack started, but was stopped by an interruption from his friend;

"Don't talk like that Jack!" Zack exclaimed, "He's going to be ok! You just can't give up hope. Not yet."

Jack gave his friend a sad smile. He didn't have the energy to fight with Zack over the obvious. "Humor me?" He asked as an alternative.

Zack sighed, "Go on," he prompted.

"I just. I don't want to leave anytime soon you know?" Jack drew in a shaky breath, "Do you think you can go to the house and get me some stuff?"

"Yeah sure," Zack answered, monotonously, "What do you need?"

"Maybe a change of clothes or two and my toothbrush?" Jack asked, digging his front teeth into his lip.

"Of course," Zack nodded, "Anything else? Your pillow maybe?"

"That wouldn't do any good. I haven't really been sleeping since the last conversation I had with Alex," Jack said, trying not to choke on the air around him.

Zack smiled softly, even though have heart was broken for his friend, "Don't worry about that now," he said softly, "I'm sure he didn't mean what he had said. Once this is all over you guys'll go back to being the picture perfect couple."

Jack didn't reply. He really wanted to believe his friend. More than anything did Jack want to believe that the cancer would mysteriously banish-he was certain the doctors had given up- and Jack could apologize for upsetting his husband and everything could be ok. But he wouldn't, couldn't, set himself up for even more heartbreak.

Zack patted Jack on the back before exiting the room, leaving Jack feeling more alone than ever. Jack was so grateful for the support of his friends and family throughout this process. He knew he'd need them more than ever in the coming weeks though.

"Why did this have to happen to you baby?" Jack asked the unconscious man, gripping his hand a little tighter than before, "You don't deserve this. You're going to be dead and I'm going to be alone and it didn't have to happen!"

At this point Jack was in tears. He had previously thought he was all out of tears; that they had dried up or had already been used. He was wrong of course, he'd been wrong about a lot of things lately.

He took in a few staggered breaths and wiped his face before continuing, "I'm sorry I was an idiot. I'm so, so sorry. Do you want to know the worse part baby? I don't even remember what it was we were fighting about. All I know was it was huge."

Jack was correct in saying their fight huge. They were both screaming at each other; grabbing the attention of every nurse and doctor on the floor. Alex was so ungodly mad. The last thing he was said to Jack before kicking him out of the hospital room was, "I want all of your stuff out of my house by the time I'm out of here. And if you ever see me again, don't even say hello!"

After that Jack had lost all sense of fight left in him. He emotionlessly glided out of the room, ignoring the nurses that reprimanded him for screaming. He drove home in a daze; not quite understanding what had happened.

It wasn't until he was home, curled up in Alex's their bed did it hit him. At that moment he lost all composure, crying ugly crocodile tears whilst clutching Alex's pillow to his face. It hit him how badly he had fucked up. The next memory he had of that week was picking up the phone, a few days later, to the doctor telling him Alex had taken a turn for the worse.

"I fucked up Alex, I know," Jack cried, using both hands to hang onto his husband's for dear life, "We've both said-and done- something's we're not quite proud of. But baby, I love you more than I've ever loved anyone. And now you're going to die thinking that I don't.

"Please just be ok. If you wake up, I'll admit I was wrong about everything. I'll say I'm sorry for the thousandth time. The only difference will be, you'll say how much you love me and we'll go home and be ok again."

At that point, Jack was full out sobbing. His body was trembling as he let out all of the pent up emotion. As much as he hated crying, it felt good to let out all of his frustrations. He almost didn't notice when the hospital machines started going haywire.

He didn't realize what was happening until the doctors and nurses were rushing in with different machines yelling things like, "he's flatlining" or "need 3 grams of oxiprone in room 1034." Two nurses had the unpleasant job of removing Jack. He fought them, screaming he needed to be with his husband until the end.

But the nurses were able to hold him in the corner of the room; practically out of the way. They wouldn't answer his questions. They wouldn't tell him what he already knew. This was the end of Alex. Jack thought he had prepared himself for this, but was he wrong.

It felt as if his heart was being ripped out and his lungs shredded as he watched helplessly while his husband died. He almost wanted to leave. To stop fighting the nurses and allow them the escort him out of the room. But he didn't, he couldn't let Alex die alone. So he watched, as the doctors worked over a practical corpse.

Minutes passed agonizingly slow for Jack. He had already lost faith in the doctors skills to save Alex's life. It didn't even register for Jack when the nurses holding him back let go until he tripped over his own two feet moving forward. He looked up at the doctor before standing back up.

The doctor gave him a small smile, "We've managed to stabilize him."

Regardless of the unsaid 'for now' tacked onto the statement, Jack was relieved. He stood up shakily and stammered back to Alex's bed. Before sitting back down he pressed his lips to his love's forehead, inhaling as much of him as possible.

Jack felt a mixed sense of relief and anxiety as took a hold of Alex's hand for the second time. He was alive for now, but dancing along the edge. But Jack now knew that he wasn't prepared for Alex to leave him. He was so scared of what would happen when he did.

He took in a deep breath and tried to focus on the steady beeping of the heart monitor. It provided a strange sense of security for Jack. It almost gave him hope that this fight wasn't over.

Beep. Beep. Beep. Beep.

The otherwise silence was comforting for him. He didn't even speak when Zack, who was now accompanied by Rian, dropped off the stuff he requested. Rian gave Jack a slight hug and squeezed Alex's free hand before he left.

Beep. Beep. Beep.

Jack wanted to say something to Alex. But he didn't know what. He was too mentally exhausted to say something to meaningful. When he finally decided the words that would accurately display what was feeling, he was only able to choke them out in a whisper:

Beep. Beep.

"Please stay."

Beep.