Coming Home

I’m sorry I have to do this again. Everytime I think about what happen, it just scares me. I just imagine her knife going into me again and again, drawing blood out till I’m bled dry of every single drop. Some people say being stabbed gives you a sense of empowerment, that you’re ready to face anything more dangerous. That’s bullshit. I can’t stop thinking about it, nothing seems to help. Just being stabbed, again and again. That kind of stinging, metallic pain that never seems to dull down.
--------------------------------------------------

Cassadee awoke from her nightmare, sweat pouring down her face, heart ablaze, her gasp getting forcefully stuck behind her tongue. The muted dusty sky peeked in from her closed windows and she looked to see Derrick still asleep, his face on the pillow.

She had slept with him. And she had liked it, very much. But something inside her felt rotten. Sliding out of the bed, smelling weird after the previous night- Cassadee padded to the toilet, the cold floor stinging her feet. But she welcomed the pain, just so she could ignore the bristling feeling inside her.

She looked at her naked body after closing the toilet door. She had love bites around her shoulder, and her hair was a tangled, streaky mess. She realised, in horror that she had slept with her make-up on. She didn’t know why she felt so ugly, but she did.

Stepping straight into the shower, she turned the faucet to high heat- feeling the water pour down on her. At first it hurt, the heat shocking her and scalding her. But she got used to it, the searing of her skin dulling after coating herself with water. She felt the water burn her in places where his hands had been- touching but not seeing. Part of her was glad he had been drunk, it was another emotional mess she had avoided. But another part of her regretted sleeping with him. Now she had tasted that forbidden fruit, and boy did it burn.

It also reminded her of her future. Or a lack thereof.

She felt the steam curl up into ringlets around her, breathing in heavily from the heated water before scrubbing her skin raw. She wanted the memories to be gone, she just wanted to be with Derrick without being haunted. For the first time in a long time, Cassadee hated herself. She hated what had happened, and she hated that she couldn’t fix it.

Turning off the water which had started to burn up rapidly, Cassadee watched the ringlets of her hair lie limply around her face, studiously trying to ignore her mind. When the burden of doubt became too much to bear, she let herself slide down onto the marble toilet floor- silently allowing the tears that had been collecting to fall.

~

Derrick awoke to the sound of steady tapping. He felt a blurry ray of sun hit his face, trying to recollect his thoughts. He was naked, and someone else was in the room. Then he felt a strange straining sensation in his thigh, feeling it cramp up before gradually fading away.

He opened his eyes to see Cassadee sitting at the hotel table, steadily typing away. Oh right.

“Did we…?”

He watched as Cassadee turn back to him, looking strangely vulnerable without a speck of make-up on, her eyes and skin pale and raw- smile.

“I guess?” She replied, before returning to her typing.

He hated that he couldn’t remember much of what happened the previous night. All he remembered was that it felt good, then it felt painful, but mostly it felt good- the ache, he realised, was from the foreplay which he had engaged with Cassadee.

“What are you doing?”

“I’m finishing the article, Lee wants it in an hour,” she replied, shrugging. He noticed that she was wearing a white fluffy robe that the hotel had provided for them, strangely engulfed in it- one side of it slipping down her shoulders. Sliding off the bed, wrapping the sheets around himself, he trudged to the bathroom.

He didn’t like the way she was responding. It was the first time they slept together, and her divisiveness to it was slightly frightening. Then again, his lack of memory over what happened might have been equally insulting to her. Judging from the way his body responded to any physical movement now, it must have been good.

He stepped into the shower, showered, and got out. He felt a strange sting from the soap, and checked his back in the mirror as he was drying off. He saw thin lines on his shoulder blades, raking towards his collarbones.

Yup, it was definitely good.

Shrugging on a bathrobe similar to Cassadee’s, he padded out to see that her laptop was closed and she was standing idly by the window. Her hands were wound around herself in a protective manner and for a moment, it was silent.

“Hey,” he whispered, standing over her, wrapping his hands around her waist, which she accepted. He felt how fragile she was beneath him, feeling her ribs through the padded fabric as she breathed in.

“Are you okay?” He asked, noticing that she was suddenly very brittle today. He looked down at her shoulders and noticed the reddish bruises that littered her shoulders, running his fingers over them. He felt her stiffen upon contact.

“That good huh?” He asked. She returned a breathy laugh, staring at their lurid reflections from the glass. He wondered if she would feel his heart beat pummelling in his chest. There would never be peace when they were so close together, just separated from thin layers of fabric.

“Caleb and Angela left this morning,” she murmured. Derrick nodded, ignoring her forlorn expression and looking out at the morning sky.

“Is that why you’re sad?” He asked her. Cassadee turned around to look at him. Today his eyes were clear, undisturbed. And she wondered if she would ever get used to them just looking at her. She ran her fingers across his jaw, across his cheek. If they were ever to get married, she would never have this reproduced in her children. She would never even have children. But she decided that it wasn’t in his position to know yet.

“No, they needed it. A new adventure,” she replied finally, her arms resting on his jaw. Derrick looked back at her, staring lovingly into her eyes.

“And what about us? Do you think we deserve one?”

He saw a smile tug at the side of her lips.

“As long as it has a happy ending. I’m tired of crying,” she whispered. Derrick bent down to kiss her, breathing her in. She smelt clean and fruity, the scent amplified because of her recent shower.

Cassadee felt the kiss reach her toes, but decided not to push it any further. Resting her forehead on his chin, she wrapped her arms around him and squeezed tightly, the way a child would.

~

“Are you crazy?!” Lee yelled at her across his office. Cassadee winced at the way his voice pricked holes in her ego.

“No,” she muttered defiantly.

“I’m not publishing this. Even if it’s a great article, it goes against everything I’ve built this paper upon!”

“Which is what Lee? Patriarchy? Learning how to cover up the truth with nice, flowery words?”

“Balance Cassadee! The paper is representative of the delicate balance the society has. And this article, could ruin EVERYTHING!”

“You should have thought about it when you sent me out to do those interviews!” Cassadee yelled back, her voice cracking from anger. She had returned from the wedding to be yelled at by her boss, and no Caleb for comfort.

She watched as Lee glared angrily at her, his grey hairs matted to his head. It was a risky article, angry and defiant. But she was sick of it, being treated and threatened by sex- she hated how women stood in comparison to men, hated how the whole political sphere, and even the public saw a girl as nothing but a romantic stunt. For once she wanted to be taken seriously.

“Publish it or I quit,” she said again, her voice deathly still. It had taken long for her to reach the ultimatum, but she couldn’t carry on working like this.

“Cassadee, tell me what happened,” Lee finally said, sitting down, wrapping his hands on his lap.

“It’s nothing-“

“Don’t you dare tell me this is nothing. Something is going on and I need to know!”

“Fine. The other day I went to the RPA, and Bill Anderson tried to have sex with me okay? Everyone thinks I’m the nation's whore. And you know, feels great.”

Lee pursed his lips, before settling his arms on the table.

“And this has happened how many times?”

“3. If you count the NDP and FF as patriarchal assholes, sure.”

“Aren’t you dating that boy from the NDP?”

“Apparently I’m also banging the one from FF.”

“Christ Cassadee,”sighed Lee, leaning back onto his chair. There was a moment of silence as Cassadee wrung her hands together, feeling strangely uncomfortable.

“Fine I’ll publish it. But only under the commentaries section.”

Cassadee felt a smile spread across her face, but was silenced by Lee again.

“I hope you know what you’re getting yourself into,” he sighed, folding her documents up and shutting his eyes.