Coming Home

Dear Cass,

I should let you know beforehand that I am writing this the day before I fly off for my degree. I don’t know why I decided to start a potentially triggering letter with that, but I guess it’s just my way of telling you that I don’t think you know how much I love you.

Sometimes, I can’t believe I let you walk into my life the way you did when we first met. It sounds almost stupid, but I didn’t think I would have stuck by you for so long. We were so childish, you and I- you in your innocent and loving ways, and me in my horrifically self-centred, little boy methods. But we both know what lies beneath all our different layers and facades, and I thank my lucky stars that I met you, and that you gave me the chance to love you. I don’t know if you might question the content of this letter seeing that I haven’t seen you in 3 weeks, and I know that most part of it is my own doing. But I should have told you this long ago, and it isn’t fair how you’ve been so honest with me and I haven’t been the least bit honest with you: I never wanted to leave you, I swear to god.

But I don’t think I can bear to look at you the same way, knowing that the reason you’re in crutches, and the reason that left you bleeding on the floor on that day was me. You know I would do anything to make you happy Cass, if you needed me, I’d be there in a heartbeat. But I know that you were never that type of girl. You are strong, and you can do this all on your own- and in the best way you can. You have been nothing but good to me, and sometimes I’d just like to look into your head and watch the way you live life, but yet again, I don’t ever think I’d want that. I would never want to doubt the selflessness in you, and the purity that you have come to symbolize to me. I trust you, and I want so badly to keep everything good between us, everything good in you to myself. Do you think I’m selfish like that?

Please don’t call me, I promise I’ll be back for you soon (that in itself is amazingly selfish and conceited of me to say, but I’ll take my chances). I confess I did lie to you the night we fought at the hospital. Nothing is wrong with us, in fact, the only thing wrong with us is me. I am too dangerous, too selfish and too destructive to be around you and your light. I need some time to fix myself, to be the man that I think you deserve. So please, I’m begging you- forget about me until I come home. I know it’s a lot to ask for, and it seems impossible, but I just, I really need this for us.

I don’t know what will happen to both of us, or anything around us when I see you again but I just want you to know that I don’t care what happens to you, I promise you, I’ll come back a better person.

I know I’m taking the cowardly way out- sneaking out through the back door, sneaking out from our relationship. But I know if I spent another day with you, I wouldn’t bear to leave. I love you Cass, no matter what happens, my heart will always be yours. Don’t beat yourself up too badly, okay?

Love,
Derrick

P.S I know you said I never told you I loved you, but I hope you know through this letter that I do Cassadee Adams, I do very much.