Coming Home

I dreamt of him again today. I feel like the more he appears in my head, the more I’ll go crazy. It’s like he’s so close, but I might never see him again. I’d rather, in a million years, be haunted with the pain of being stabbed again and again than have his words and face echo in my mind. It’s that feeling when I lie awake in bed, remembering the times we had and knowing that we’ll never have them back that scares me. It’s a sort of pain that I expect a woman should have over a man, the kind that leaves marks and lasts forever. But I don’t want this pain anymore, I want everything to stop. I can’t look in the mirror and be reminded of who I was, I need everything, to remind me that I am not the same person. That I never will be.

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“Cassadee?”

She broke from their trance and tilted sideways, to see Jared staring at her, almost as wide-eyed as Derrick.

“Jared?”

“Damn girl I wouldn’t have recognised that face anywhere,” he smiled before inviting her over for a hug. Brushing past Derrick, Cassadee accepted his open arms.

“It’s been a long time Jared,” she smiled, brushing her bangs away from her face.

“Are you kidding? I’ve missed your wise-cracking ass!”

Derrick turned to stare at the girl who, for a brief moment let a shadow of her past-self flit across her eyes. The first thing he noticed were the way her calf muscles jutted out slightly from her legs. She was so skinny. He couldn’t attest that she had an added layer of sensuality exuding from her, but she seemed so wrong, so displaced. Gone were the sundresses and mild-mannered printed blouses. This girl was in a punchy maroon dress with a leather jacket that guarded her. And she seemed to glide in her heels, moving with the precision of a panther.

Then he noticed why she struck him as an entirely different. It was her hair, it was short. Cropped all the way to the nape of her neck, but growing out such that it blew out into attractive waves around her face.

“Jack?” Jared asked suddenly, his eyes cast towards a person standing away from them. Derrick turned to see someone who looked remotely familiar, with similar brown hair and confused eyes.

“Jack?” Repeated Cassadee, turning around and looking at the boy with a strange sort of expression on her face.

“Wait, you know him?” She pointed at the lanky guy standing away from them, eyeing them with similar interest and confusion.

“Yeah, I mean- I used to serve coffees to the workers at his office.”

“Hi Jared,” he mused slightly, Derrick’s stomach turned at the way he looked at Cassadee, his eyes roaming her body freely.

“So that’s your name,” Derrick heard Cassadee mutter quietly.

“How did you know each other?” Jared asked again, smiling languidly at Jack who stood away from them, as if warded off by a strange force field. Derrick watched as Jack’s eyes returned to Cassadee’s as both of them seemed locked into an unspoken conversation. There was something about the way they looked at each other that suggested they weren’t friends, but weren’t strangers either.

“Jack, he um, he works at the office below mine. He recognised me from school I guess,” she shrugged. Derrick switched to her face again, marvelling at how smooth her lies escaped her mouth. She allowed her eyes to flick coolly back to him, as if inviting him to speak. Then Derrick suddenly remembered why the boy looked so familiar, he had been to their high school and had been a frequent party goer, but never a close acquaintance.

“Looks like Cassadee’s been getting around,” mused Jared, running a disbelieved hand across his face. Jack’s face flinched at the mention of her name, and Cassadee sucked in a sharp breath.

“Cassadee? As in the Cassadee of The Adam's Oven nutcase?” He started, looking at Cassadee, then as if suddenly noticing Derrick’s presence, coldly switched his glare to him.

“You, Derrick!”

Derrick gave a curt nod, even though his insides churned uncomfortably. He watched as Jack seemed to join one and one together, then smiling to himself, in a sort of prideful manner.

“Now’s probably not the-“

“I never knew you were Cassadee! The one and only,” Jack exclaimed, a perverse sort of expression crossing his face, shutting Jared up. Derrick felt like punching that smug expression off his face as his gaze towards Cassadee intensified into a sort of sexual dominance.

“And you! To think I’ve been screwing the nation’s ex-sweetheart!” He exclaimed again. Derrick felt rage swell up inside him, and before he could stop himself, he smashed his fist sorely into Jack’s jaw.

~

Cassadee watched as Derrick swung his fist squarely into Jack’s jaw and coldly looked on as he sent the boy reeling to the ground.

Boys that was what they were. She watched as Jared tried to separate the two boys, her insides burning with intensity. She watched cruelly as Jack got up, wiping some spit off his face, almost snarling at Derrick. The latter just looked at him, anger emitting in fumes over his head.

“What are you so angry about? You fucked her up, ruined her. I just filled the parts that she needed filling-“Jack stopped speaking as Cassadee’s mind filled with toxic vulgarities that were too crass for her to use now. Storming up to him, she grabbed him by his collar, pulling him down to her- hardly aware of the surroundings.

“Hey, don’t think that I’m a nympho that needed you to fuck me,” she hissed at him. She was angry, angry at how she was being slighted just because she was the girl in the situation.

“I decide who I want to screw, and where I need filling,” she spat. Her hand still firmly wrapped around his shirt. He didn’t move, eyes forced onto her as she made sure to enunciate each word so that it went through his chauvinistic head. Then as quick as she grabbed him, she shoved him away, before stalking off away from the scene. She didn’t need the drama, she didn’t want it.

“Kindly remind them how I fingered you in the toilet!” He yelled, trying to have the last word.

“Guess I won’t be seeing you at 9 today Jack. And by the way, you might also want tell them the story on how your sexual offerings were as quoted by you as ‘returning a favour’ after that slimy hand job I gave you,” she replied calmly, heels clicking against the floors as she walked off.

~

Throughout dinner and the whole event, Derrick kept his eyes onto Cassadee. He wasn’t afraid of staring at her, after figuring out that she was assigned to the table diagonally opposite him.

Cassadee on the other hand, felt watched. Not only by him, but by Caleb, Angela and Jared as well. She was sure that all of them had heard about the scuffle in the hallway, and she felt like an animal being watched. She knew the others were trying their best to only stare when she wasn’t looking, but she could feel the intensity of Derrick’s bearing into her throughout the whole dinner.

She dared herself to look up from a plate of fish, dared herself to stare him right in the eye. And for a moment, they just sat still, looking at each other.

Some might have termed it as a sizzling silence between two ex-lovers who had feelings for each other. But Cassadee knew better. There were no two people more clear of how potent the silence was between them than themselves. She hedged that the only thing going through his mind was how much she had changed, and there was a pleasant sort of satisfaction in knowing that for once in her life, she had had the last word. She enjoyed being the unpredictable one, the one that was ‘different’.

This time she wouldn’t melt under his gaze.

~

“Thank you for coming, and we’ll see you next year!”

Cassadee got up from her seat, wary that people were looking at her, the way they did the previous year.

“Cass!” yelled Angela as she pranced over to her, dressed in a pretty blue dress and Mary-Janes.

Cassadee returned her hug, smiling at her best friend. Angela had become so confident and self-assured that Cassadee saw a shadow of her former self in Angela, and while she was proud of her friend, there also came an aching dull when she saw Caleb behind her.

They had found love, Angela at first try, and Caleb without coming to any problems. She admired the luck they had in life, and sometimes she wondered what had gone wrong in loving Derrick.

“Cass,” Caleb smiled, his warm, comforting voice hitting her ears.

“Nice hair,” she commented as Caleb, as if they had rehearsed it, bent down to let her ruffle his hair.

“Don’t look too bad yourself smidge,” he smiled, looking absolutely boyfriend material in his button down shirt, with Angela next to him. Cassadee gave a mock curtsey before looking up at them again.

“Have you talked to the boss yet?”

“Jesus no. Harris is a biter, he’ll flip if he knows that I’ve started a book without his permission.”

“Technically you don’t need his permission, they are kind of your cartoons,” Cassadee replied, wrapping her arms protectively over herself as she felt Derrick’s eyes on her.

“I’ll talk to him for you if you need,” she smiled again. She technically did work with Caleb, but since their job scopes were so different, she hardly saw him. They usually had time for a quick meal or a coffee break before duty called for them again. Flashing her a crooked, blessed smile, Caleb grabbed Angela by the hand.

“It’s late Cass, we’ll see you for lunch soon yes?”

“Yes sir,” she saluted, before laughing as they walked away, hand in hand. Then she realised that she was alone with him again. His stare provided a bubble, a sort of protective zone where no one dared to intrude, mainly because of the intensity of his glare.

Catching his eye, Cassadee felt something jump in her. He knew, he knew who she had become, and she could feel his overwhelming need to reach out to her bubbling at the surface. Feeling as if she might break under the pressure, Cassadee baulked and turned towards the door to leave.

“Cass, wait,” he spoke. It was the first time in 5 years she had since heard his voice. She could almost hear him, reading out the letter he left her on the day he left. That voice, it was like walking on glass- tearing up sealed memories of the past. She could’ve kept walking and ignored him, the same way she ignored her past. But it was the way he said, brittle and yet hopeful, that made her stop and turn her head slightly back at him.

“Do you want to go grab coffee or something?”