I Need You Like Water In My Lungs
3
A month has gone by, and I thank myself for not picking up the phone except to call into work late a few weeks ago. I thought about many things I could say, to bascially say 'I did it', and 'I don't need you now'. But I know that wouldn't help me, the mornings are getting better. Getting used to him not being beside me, even if it was only for a moment before either him or I had to dash to the bathroom to relieve our stomachs of it's poisonous contents. It was also getting easier to look in the mirror, the bruises had faded away when he left. But for some reason I could still see them, but now I don't. Thinking all this while I was staring at my ceiling, I almost didn't hear my cell phone ring. I looked at the caller ID and wished I hadn't.
beep beep, I wasn't picking it up. I knew what the person on the other line was going to say. So I just got up and got ready for work. A boring office job yes, but, it most definitly keeps me sober.
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Walking to work helps, even though I have a car. I'd like to keep my alcohol enduced figure. Watching the passing cars go at speeds faster than the signs told them to also helps my brain. By the time I get to work I'm pretty cal-
"Why havn't you called me? Why havn't you answered my calls?" I was startled by a face I hated, because I was blaming him for what I'd done to myself. I jumped back, and walked aorund him.
"Don't act like you didn't hear me, or not that's me calling you." he said grabbing my arm.
"Let go."
"Not until you talk to me." I sighed as his grip loosened, I turned to face him.
"What do you want." it was more of a statement than a question
"For you to fucking talk to me, ignoring me is not what I wanted after we got better JJ." he said looking down at me
"You mean once you got better and didn't look back to help those you screwed up along the way." I said my voice more firm than I was feeling, and I glanced at his hand still on my arm. He let go then,
"Look, anything that happened before I left, was-"
"I'm going to be late." I said simply as I turned and walked a faster pace than before, hopefully he wouldn't attempt to catch up or follow me.
So much for coming into work calm.
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"You cannot not ignore him forever Justine. I told you when I met you that Gerard was bad news. But did you listen, of course not, and it's not his fault. You had all the will power and then some to tell him to fuck off." Mandy fussed at me.
"I don't want to fall back into that again, besides he left me remember." I said quietly, not even really paying attention.
"Justine! Look at yourself!"
"What."
"I know you miss him, that sparkle in your eyes is gone. Even when you needed help you still had that sparkle."
I only continued to stare out the window.
"Justine, just listen to him. Hear him out, at least tell him you're willing to start over." she sighed sitting in front of me to block my view.
"Why."
"Because, despite what you think. You need him, and he needs you. And now that you're both better. Do us all a favor and talk to him." she said getting up and giving me back my veiw of the sky.
I sighed as I went to my room without even uttering a goodbye. I got into bed and laid there, thinking about what I could say. And what he would say, knowing that no matter what. He couldn't come back into my life again, I didn't need him. I've gotten so much better without him, andcan am going to stay this way with out him.
beep beep, I wasn't picking it up. I knew what the person on the other line was going to say. So I just got up and got ready for work. A boring office job yes, but, it most definitly keeps me sober.
----------------------------------------
Walking to work helps, even though I have a car. I'd like to keep my alcohol enduced figure. Watching the passing cars go at speeds faster than the signs told them to also helps my brain. By the time I get to work I'm pretty cal-
"Why havn't you called me? Why havn't you answered my calls?" I was startled by a face I hated, because I was blaming him for what I'd done to myself. I jumped back, and walked aorund him.
"Don't act like you didn't hear me, or not that's me calling you." he said grabbing my arm.
"Let go."
"Not until you talk to me." I sighed as his grip loosened, I turned to face him.
"What do you want." it was more of a statement than a question
"For you to fucking talk to me, ignoring me is not what I wanted after we got better JJ." he said looking down at me
"You mean once you got better and didn't look back to help those you screwed up along the way." I said my voice more firm than I was feeling, and I glanced at his hand still on my arm. He let go then,
"Look, anything that happened before I left, was-"
"I'm going to be late." I said simply as I turned and walked a faster pace than before, hopefully he wouldn't attempt to catch up or follow me.
So much for coming into work calm.
--------------------------------------------------------
"You cannot not ignore him forever Justine. I told you when I met you that Gerard was bad news. But did you listen, of course not, and it's not his fault. You had all the will power and then some to tell him to fuck off." Mandy fussed at me.
"I don't want to fall back into that again, besides he left me remember." I said quietly, not even really paying attention.
"Justine! Look at yourself!"
"What."
"I know you miss him, that sparkle in your eyes is gone. Even when you needed help you still had that sparkle."
I only continued to stare out the window.
"Justine, just listen to him. Hear him out, at least tell him you're willing to start over." she sighed sitting in front of me to block my view.
"Why."
"Because, despite what you think. You need him, and he needs you. And now that you're both better. Do us all a favor and talk to him." she said getting up and giving me back my veiw of the sky.
I sighed as I went to my room without even uttering a goodbye. I got into bed and laid there, thinking about what I could say. And what he would say, knowing that no matter what. He couldn't come back into my life again, I didn't need him. I've gotten so much better without him, andcan am going to stay this way with out him.