I Need You Like Water In My Lungs
5
I sat at the table with Mandy staring at my house phone, because it technically decided my fate. 2 paths, the first one letting me live my life in regret, and the other letting me live my life with blurry memories and fear everytime he'd touch me. I sighed as Mandy slid the phone closer to me to pick up and dial his number. So I did, not clearly understanding why other than the fact that I needed to. Even though either way I was basically screwed.
"Hello?" I heard his raspy voice from the other end of the reciever. I opened my mouth to say something, but nothing came out.
"Hello?" he said a little more harshly this time making me flinch.
"Gerard." I said softly
"Justine." he sighed
"I-I wanted to talk to you-" I said eyeing Mandy who was going to the opposite end of the house "About yester-"
"How about we just talk about us in general Justine?"
"That's what I meant." I almost smiled, he had a way with making me smile with his sarcasim.
"What do you mean by all of this?" he asked it sounded like he was yawning.
"Did I wake you up?"
"Yes."
"Oh, I'll call you ba-"
"No, I'm awake now. Go on." he said with a grunt
"Gerard you hurt me." I said simply, trying to stop beating around the bush.
"Justine, I had to get better. And at the time you weren't ready or willing to get better with me." he sighed
"No, not then but before then." I said trying to make the itchyness in the back of my throat go away.
"When?" he sounded generaly interested
"That night when you-"
"Gerard, your new girlfriend's here!" I heard Mikey yell in the background.
"Justine-"
"No, I'll just talk to you later." I said before hanging up, and seeing Mandy come back and sit in front of me.
"How'd it go?" she said cheerfuly
"Good, but he had to go, he had company." I said my eyes drifting back out the window, there was something the matter with me. And I needed to find out, or else I was going to go crazy.
-------------------------------------------------------------
"Well Ms. Jones, it looks like you have depression." Dr. Baily said simply as I sat there trying to count the grain on the tiles.
"You said, you find yourse'f not being able to focus. And wishing there were an easier way out, and you can't even remember the last time you smiled." he said trying to get my attention.
"Yes, I did say those things." I said finally looking up
"And you said you don't find enjoyment in anything anymore, that is correct?" he asked and I thought about the last time I enjoyed even the simplest thing like eatting, or even the last time I ate.
"I'm especially not enjoying this right now." I said with a sigh
"Well that is to be expected, but you do understand my point." he said scribbling on his clipboard "I'm perscribing Cymbalta, since your depression is somewhat mild." he said ripping the sheet and handing it to me.
"Thank you." was all I could say, I made a plan to go get this Cymbalta filled as soon as I left here. Even if it made me crazier than I already seemed to be. I slid off the table, and headed out to my car. I sat there for a few minutes, and then I started crying. Crying because my life had gotten to this state. My sobs got harder, and my cheeks got more wet and tear stained. Then there was a knock on my window, at the passenger's side. I hiccuped as I saw that it was Gerard, how he found me I could only blame Mandy for.
"Let me in." he mouthed, as I unlocked the doors.
"You're not going to ask how I found you?" he said looking at me still crying, my sobs had stopped, I shook my head in response.
"Are you like crazy or something? Ok, no, I didn't mean that." He said putting his hand on my shoulder making me flinch
"I am." I said simply as he took his hand off my shoulder.
"Why do you flinch when I come near you-"
"I tried to tell you that the last time we talked-"
"That was over 3 weeks ago Justine!" he raised his voice a little making me flinch again
"You don't remember? Right before you left to get better?"
"I remember waking up, and you not being there. And me making friends with the toilet again, but not remembering why." Gerard said turning to face me. I shivered with the look his eyes gave me,
"It was raining." I started, and so did the tears once again. I told him how we were at the party together, and how I ended up in the woods with him in the pouring rain. And him hitting me, and raping me. I couldn't stop the tears after it happened, I popped more pills, drank more booze to make them stop. And almost over dosing put me in the hospital after I had alienated myself from those who cared about me, and had given me ultimatums. Just as the night after it happened, the tears wouldn't stop coming. I felt his arms wrap around me and he rocked me back and forth until the tears subsided.
"Justine." he said trying to calm me down
"Gerard, I-"
"Justine, I assure you. I didn't do that to you, I wasn't in the woods with you that night. Remember we got separated at that party." he said "But now I wish we hadn't got serparated now." he said taking his sleeve and wiping the tears from my face. "If you let me, I won't let that happen again. And I'll try my best to make you forget it happened." he said still rocking me back and forth.
I had to sit and remember, the shadow seemed so much like Gerards', so did the voice.
"Justine." he said seeing my doubt "Justine, you have to trust me, that wasn't me. I could never hurt you, nor any woman, no matter how drunk or high I was." he said as I situated myself back in my drivers seat. He sighed and opened the door, "I won't wait for too long Justine." he said, and slid out of my car and closed the door.
So maybe I wasn't crazy, but if I rejected Gerard, who listened to me blame him for something I was starting to realize he didn't do. I guess what truly bothered me is that he could leave me again, not to get sober, because he's been sober for 4 years.
"Hello?" I heard his raspy voice from the other end of the reciever. I opened my mouth to say something, but nothing came out.
"Hello?" he said a little more harshly this time making me flinch.
"Gerard." I said softly
"Justine." he sighed
"I-I wanted to talk to you-" I said eyeing Mandy who was going to the opposite end of the house "About yester-"
"How about we just talk about us in general Justine?"
"That's what I meant." I almost smiled, he had a way with making me smile with his sarcasim.
"What do you mean by all of this?" he asked it sounded like he was yawning.
"Did I wake you up?"
"Yes."
"Oh, I'll call you ba-"
"No, I'm awake now. Go on." he said with a grunt
"Gerard you hurt me." I said simply, trying to stop beating around the bush.
"Justine, I had to get better. And at the time you weren't ready or willing to get better with me." he sighed
"No, not then but before then." I said trying to make the itchyness in the back of my throat go away.
"When?" he sounded generaly interested
"That night when you-"
"Gerard, your new girlfriend's here!" I heard Mikey yell in the background.
"Justine-"
"No, I'll just talk to you later." I said before hanging up, and seeing Mandy come back and sit in front of me.
"How'd it go?" she said cheerfuly
"Good, but he had to go, he had company." I said my eyes drifting back out the window, there was something the matter with me. And I needed to find out, or else I was going to go crazy.
-------------------------------------------------------------
"Well Ms. Jones, it looks like you have depression." Dr. Baily said simply as I sat there trying to count the grain on the tiles.
"You said, you find yourse'f not being able to focus. And wishing there were an easier way out, and you can't even remember the last time you smiled." he said trying to get my attention.
"Yes, I did say those things." I said finally looking up
"And you said you don't find enjoyment in anything anymore, that is correct?" he asked and I thought about the last time I enjoyed even the simplest thing like eatting, or even the last time I ate.
"I'm especially not enjoying this right now." I said with a sigh
"Well that is to be expected, but you do understand my point." he said scribbling on his clipboard "I'm perscribing Cymbalta, since your depression is somewhat mild." he said ripping the sheet and handing it to me.
"Thank you." was all I could say, I made a plan to go get this Cymbalta filled as soon as I left here. Even if it made me crazier than I already seemed to be. I slid off the table, and headed out to my car. I sat there for a few minutes, and then I started crying. Crying because my life had gotten to this state. My sobs got harder, and my cheeks got more wet and tear stained. Then there was a knock on my window, at the passenger's side. I hiccuped as I saw that it was Gerard, how he found me I could only blame Mandy for.
"Let me in." he mouthed, as I unlocked the doors.
"You're not going to ask how I found you?" he said looking at me still crying, my sobs had stopped, I shook my head in response.
"Are you like crazy or something? Ok, no, I didn't mean that." He said putting his hand on my shoulder making me flinch
"I am." I said simply as he took his hand off my shoulder.
"Why do you flinch when I come near you-"
"I tried to tell you that the last time we talked-"
"That was over 3 weeks ago Justine!" he raised his voice a little making me flinch again
"You don't remember? Right before you left to get better?"
"I remember waking up, and you not being there. And me making friends with the toilet again, but not remembering why." Gerard said turning to face me. I shivered with the look his eyes gave me,
"It was raining." I started, and so did the tears once again. I told him how we were at the party together, and how I ended up in the woods with him in the pouring rain. And him hitting me, and raping me. I couldn't stop the tears after it happened, I popped more pills, drank more booze to make them stop. And almost over dosing put me in the hospital after I had alienated myself from those who cared about me, and had given me ultimatums. Just as the night after it happened, the tears wouldn't stop coming. I felt his arms wrap around me and he rocked me back and forth until the tears subsided.
"Justine." he said trying to calm me down
"Gerard, I-"
"Justine, I assure you. I didn't do that to you, I wasn't in the woods with you that night. Remember we got separated at that party." he said "But now I wish we hadn't got serparated now." he said taking his sleeve and wiping the tears from my face. "If you let me, I won't let that happen again. And I'll try my best to make you forget it happened." he said still rocking me back and forth.
I had to sit and remember, the shadow seemed so much like Gerards', so did the voice.
"Justine." he said seeing my doubt "Justine, you have to trust me, that wasn't me. I could never hurt you, nor any woman, no matter how drunk or high I was." he said as I situated myself back in my drivers seat. He sighed and opened the door, "I won't wait for too long Justine." he said, and slid out of my car and closed the door.
So maybe I wasn't crazy, but if I rejected Gerard, who listened to me blame him for something I was starting to realize he didn't do. I guess what truly bothered me is that he could leave me again, not to get sober, because he's been sober for 4 years.