Status: Active!
Dreams.
Lost
It starts as a simple euphoria. A surge of energy through out your body. Imagine the high of marijuana intensified a thousand times. Your skin is warmed with a flush of pure heat as it flows through out your blood. Then things start to slow down. You get tired. Your arms feel like they're being pulled down by heavy weights. But it's a feeling that is unlike anything you've ever felt before. Almost like the feeling you get after an intense orgasm, but still not the same edge. You feel like you're on top of the world. Then you begin to feel like you're at peace with everything. Nothing can phase you. Life is great. You're in your own little mind kingdom.
But that's only the first time. You do it again and again. Longing to get the same feeling as the first time. But you don't. You start getting sick each time. You start doing anything to get the feeling. Then you're suddenly stuck in that mind kingdom. You want to go outside of that kingdom, roam around in the garden. But you can't.
You start to realize in the back of your mind that this kingdom is being controlled by something untouchable by you.
You can't even begin to try to escape it. You can't control it. You're trapped.
Although, you don't mind, because it helps your ego, and not to mention how it calms down your conscious Thinking that you can control it. At the same time, you don't really mind either. Because you want to have that feeling you had the first time. You start getting sicker and sicker. You start spending more and more money, still hoping for that feeling.
You try kicking it a few times. When you finally figure out that you aren't going to ever feel that way again. But the longer you go without it, the more agitated and achy you feel. You yawn a lot, you're sweating constantly, and you experience a kind of insomnia that you've never even heard of before. That's just short term. Once you go more than 15 hours you get worse. Cramps like never before. Violent diarrhea, nausea, and vomiting. It may just be 3 or 4 days like that, but it feels like centuries. So you go back. Only this time you're worse.
Each time you do it you do more and more. The kingdom that you once loved, becomes a prison. There's no escape. As much as you try, you never will. Unless you get busted, but even then, you do some time, then you're back out on the streets. Back doing what you were doing before you got busted. Enjoying every minute of it.
Even though you knew it was going to be the end of you.
My eyes open. Looking around me, I have no clue where I am, can't remember what happened the night before. Didn't really care.
"Cassie? You up?" Alex's voice calls from somewhere.
"Yeah." I call back."You get the stuff?"
" 'Course I got the stuff. You came back with two twenty five last night. Out of it, but you had the money." I cringe at the word of it. "Sorry, forgot you hate talking about that."
"Why wouldn't I? I'm basically selling my body to these filthy men." I remind him in a cold tone. "And I'm not even doing it just for me, everyone else is benefiting off it too."
"Look Cass-" Alex starts, I cut him off.
"I don't care. Let's just do it." I say.
"How 'ya taking it today?" He asks.
"I only mainstream now. You know that." I say, no emotion in my voice.
"Oh yeah." He murmurs, measuring whatever he was giving me. I took it from him and walked off to my area of the place we were staying. I left Tyler's a long time ago.
Sitting down on a blanket my eyes linger on my guitar sitting up a wall. Shaking the thoughts of the past out of my head and wrap my arm. Finding my favorite place. Getting ready to soothe myself, and just forget about everything else. I needed it.
Heroin became, and is now, my life.
But that's only the first time. You do it again and again. Longing to get the same feeling as the first time. But you don't. You start getting sick each time. You start doing anything to get the feeling. Then you're suddenly stuck in that mind kingdom. You want to go outside of that kingdom, roam around in the garden. But you can't.
You start to realize in the back of your mind that this kingdom is being controlled by something untouchable by you.
You can't even begin to try to escape it. You can't control it. You're trapped.
Although, you don't mind, because it helps your ego, and not to mention how it calms down your conscious Thinking that you can control it. At the same time, you don't really mind either. Because you want to have that feeling you had the first time. You start getting sicker and sicker. You start spending more and more money, still hoping for that feeling.
You try kicking it a few times. When you finally figure out that you aren't going to ever feel that way again. But the longer you go without it, the more agitated and achy you feel. You yawn a lot, you're sweating constantly, and you experience a kind of insomnia that you've never even heard of before. That's just short term. Once you go more than 15 hours you get worse. Cramps like never before. Violent diarrhea, nausea, and vomiting. It may just be 3 or 4 days like that, but it feels like centuries. So you go back. Only this time you're worse.
Each time you do it you do more and more. The kingdom that you once loved, becomes a prison. There's no escape. As much as you try, you never will. Unless you get busted, but even then, you do some time, then you're back out on the streets. Back doing what you were doing before you got busted. Enjoying every minute of it.
Even though you knew it was going to be the end of you.
My eyes open. Looking around me, I have no clue where I am, can't remember what happened the night before. Didn't really care.
"Cassie? You up?" Alex's voice calls from somewhere.
"Yeah." I call back."You get the stuff?"
" 'Course I got the stuff. You came back with two twenty five last night. Out of it, but you had the money." I cringe at the word of it. "Sorry, forgot you hate talking about that."
"Why wouldn't I? I'm basically selling my body to these filthy men." I remind him in a cold tone. "And I'm not even doing it just for me, everyone else is benefiting off it too."
"Look Cass-" Alex starts, I cut him off.
"I don't care. Let's just do it." I say.
"How 'ya taking it today?" He asks.
"I only mainstream now. You know that." I say, no emotion in my voice.
"Oh yeah." He murmurs, measuring whatever he was giving me. I took it from him and walked off to my area of the place we were staying. I left Tyler's a long time ago.
Sitting down on a blanket my eyes linger on my guitar sitting up a wall. Shaking the thoughts of the past out of my head and wrap my arm. Finding my favorite place. Getting ready to soothe myself, and just forget about everything else. I needed it.
Heroin became, and is now, my life.